Review: Helena West

General Details

What wonderful times I’ve had with Helena! Being with her is living with every sense running on overdrive, sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at once.

I stand with her at a bar, and a strange woman leans over to join our conversation, and says that Helena’s septum piercing is too large. I freeze, wondering if Helena will take offense to this uninvited and unwelcome intrusion on our time. But no, Helena deflects it with humor, issues a happy sound that contains a mixture of every synonym for laughter, shoots me a quick smile, and invites the woman into our conversation, and I relax, knowing that we will enjoy this moment later in private.

I sit with her at the dinner table, it is our second date, talking about our favorite food memories, and Helena’s eyes crinkle and flash and radiate the clearest, deepest blue as she talks about a pizzeria in New England. And I tense up, proud New Yorker that I am, ready to take offense at anyone who would mark anything superior to a NY thin crust. But then she goes on, to talk about a favorite diner, and I realize she is never judging, only enjoying.

We listen to the waitress explaining that the kitchen still has no gas and that our entrees are still off in the indeterminate future. And I am worried, worried that we have only eaten small appetizers and it is getting late and our time for play is slipping away (worried about my schedule, not hers; I do not think Helena is one to cut short mutual pleasure for no reason), but I do not want to be a bad host. But Helena is gently saying words to ease my mind, and we walk out of the restaurant into a food hall, arms around waists, picking up small cheeses and dried sausages for a snack if we need one. She makes every minute, every move, about pleasure.

It is my first meeting with Helena on a cold winter’s night, and before we meet she has sent me a sweet and warm note about sitting in a corner booth, huddling around the glow of a candle. And so I ask the hostess for a corner table, and she complies, a special table where we can sit on adjacent sides. I am so happy, we will be closer. But it is not a wide table, and I have forgotten how long Helena’s legs are. And so we sit down and our legs collide, and I start to worry that we will be uncomfortable for the two or more hours of the tasting menu. But no, five minutes in, she is not flamboyant or shy, just attuned to the situation, and her hand is stroking my leg, my thigh, my lap… Helena is going to make it a great night.

She always does. In every sense. You just have to follow the basic rules of the game. Introduce yourself, supply references, set a date, and generally come across as someone civil and familiar with applying water and soap to the unpleasantly fragrant parts of your body. She will email you back, cheerfully and promptly, and you will make a date.

Helena is smart, so smart, beautiful, incredibly beautiful, sensual, passionate and sensual, and tall, yes, so tall, really 6’3”, every inch spectacular. A brilliant, gorgeous, phenomenal lover.

That is all I can reveal here, other than to say we will see each other often and you should too.