I have been a provider since the end of 2004 and I have NOT been able to have any outside "love interest" come into my close proximity.
I am not sure what the problem is??
Is it that I am socially inept : (
or a mere individual who cannot transition?
thank you
Lovely Lorena
I hope I am not sounding pitiful/life is great Im just lacking a few answers

Dear Lovelylorena,

You are NOT socially inept, or else you wouldn't be a successful provider. The reasons for not finding an "outside love interest" could be very similar to those of civvie women, ranging from just not meeting someone appropriate, to being so caught up in your career that you can't seem to give up something to get something because you really are caught in a rigid rut [yup, sometimes even falling for someone involves a compromise.]

Of course it would be easy to blame providing as the ultimate occupational hazard, but if we do that, then we really take the easy way out. There are SO many reasons for why women don't become romantically engaged - for one, it's more difficult to MEET men than one would think! Bars - meh. Hobbies - who's got them? It's tough! And if you join match.com or other such venues, you're just as liable to run into a frog as you are finding a prince - it's really the luck of the draw.

You're not saying how old you are, but I believe that it gets a little more difficult to fall for someone special the older we get. When we're in our teens and early 20s, it's easy, simply because we don't have enough frames of reference. We're open to just about anyone, as long as he's cute. As we get older, however, we get over the looks/sex issues, and we begin to make some reasonable demands on our potential partners. And that's where it can get tricky. I really believe it's less about clients filling the void of romance per se, and more of being a provider who has tasted a life where men really put women on pedestals, however temporary. Often, providers feel that clients are more solicitous, kind and caring than civvie partners. So how are you going to beat that?

On the other hand, being with a client is largely a fantasy, even if it's a superfun job. You KNOW that the client is not going to behave like that 24/7, and yet when you are in a professional setting, it's easy to forget that it's just temporary. And in a civvie relationship, particularly in one between two equals, it's not easy to experience the kind of seductive control exchange that goes on in a professional sexwork setting. In addition, many hookups just seem clumsy or artless compared to the champagne dates that providers often experience.

My advice to you is to take some of your hard-earned dollars and go away on a trip or two in a completely different setting. I have no idea what your interests are, but my suggestion would be to go away on a trekking trip or some kind of rugged, outdoorsy vacation where you'll meet people who are not into any fantasy at all. It doesn't matter if you end up being the glamour babe of the group - so much the better! But I believe it's easier to abandon yourself to romance in a very unlikely, unexpected environment, rather than hang out at the same places over and over again, only to have your expectations greatly unmet.

You don't sound pitiful at all - every unattached gal I know in her 30s, regardless of what she does for a living, has complained to me about these issues. But the only way that you will have a good shot at meeting someone is really by breaking your patterns. So start thinking about it, and I bet you'll come up with something quite radical.

Maybe the unexpected will happen?
The Love Goddess

I think it's hard to meet people, period, and being in this business makes it that much harder.  We tend to live an isolated life.  If that's where you are, you are definitely not alone.

I don't think you should give up.  You will not meet anyone if you do not make yourself available.  In the business, there is an unspoken line that must not be crossed.  Is it that so many of the men you meet are married, that your wall is built high?  If a single guy "fell in your lap" would you at least consider him?
Is there time in your life for anything besides work?  You could take a class at a nearby college.  You could take up a hobby that interests you.  Yes, you could take trips or cruises, meet new people.  I'd not be above matchmaking where some matching of interests is done.  (Just get out your frog repellant & go for it.)  
I went through a couple of periods where work & another where a relationship with someone who was not truely available BLOCKED opportunities to meet someone...  This was very poor planning on my part.  
skb
skb

More than a few providers whom I have gotten to know well have confessed to me that one of the biggest sore spots of being a provider is that they do not feel that they can ever meet that "special person" for fear that the person would never accept their job, and they would not want to try and build a relationship on deception.

I feel bad for these gals and any providers who feel this way.  We're talking about denying one of the strongest human needs there is.

As Lenin put it:  What is to be done?

I must say thank you first for this section of TER.
I want to also say special thanks to the pm's I received and  the posted advice and also the  love goddess ideas..(taking a physical  challenge where beauty is not primary)ie: community college etc
I am going to put into affect all the info that sounds like it may help.
I am very thankful once again for having an arena such as this to be able to ask for help

Does the feeling that a provider may have that she could never be accepted reflect reality.  One of my dearest friend is a lady who was for decades first a provider than a woman who ran a dungeon and employed a large number of younger women (though she continued to see a few clients at a very high fee.)  She is now a happily married woman, married to someone who first met her professionally by visiting one of her young women, who is on the surface extremely straight and narrow.  They have been happily married for about 5 years.  

One the other hand, a friend of mine started to see an extremely charming and beautiful young women who was a provider.  She continued though cut down.  He was at first sort of proud at how "cool" he was with it.  Than lasted about 9 months.  Then he pressed her for details, tried to find reviews he could read, became irritable, and finally, after a year of agony, broke it off.  

My friend,I wonder how two mature men, like you and me, experienced with providers and admirers of the best of them would deal with that situation.

I really needed your advice.. Im going to pursue some of your ideas!!
I really needed to see your words in black and white.. : )
lovely Lorena

and couldn't care less as she is having the time of her life.  She says she sees 2-3 guys a week, and keeps a regular job.

BTW, not sure I believe her 100%, but she sure does seems to have a lot more fun than me!

Somehow I doubt that Paris Hilton has more fun than you. (Most of us are jealous.)

Some gals can lead a double life when it comes to romance and some can't.  it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you.  My two long-time ATF's don't civvie date at all and I have known many other ladies who dropped out of site when they where involved with a guy only to "drop back in" when the relationship soured.

Be true to yourself where the opposite sex is concerned. It's not going to be easy to juggle both a career as a sex worker and a love life.

Lovelylorena,

I can understand your perspective to some degree as an old ATF went through a transition from provider to civi. One of my first forays into this world was with a beautiful eastern European woman (About 10-15 yrs older) who helped me get over a broken heart.

She was about to leave when I first started seeing her, we had chemistry so she let me see her a few months after she pulled her ads and killed the work phone number. Then we started to see each other off the clock and soon it was friends with benefits. She confined in me her hesitation to start dating as she was not sure how to explain her previous profession to someone if she fell in love and compelled to full disclosure. Also what if she met a former client while dating, this terrified her. She had a great deal of concern. We saw each other for about a year, during that year she started her own business with the money she had saved. This gave her confidence and pushed her into civi life by making her deal with people daily as a business owner and professional.

Then one day she asked me to come over and explained that she was now ready to move on and needed to leave behind any part of her provider life, I knew what that meant. So I wished her well as she finally made the transition to the civi world. So you may not be looking to retire but perhaps a venture into another business or hobby will give you what you are looking for, it happens when we least expect it to.  

One of my Fav ladies is UTR, has flex hours at her day job.  From what she's said she also sees 2-3 gentlemen per week.  
I'm surprised she does not date or have a BF but apparently not.  
skb

omg!! Msy I say thank you to all.hobbyists/providers with all the knowledge from similar situations..I was hesitant at first about writing a question to the ' LOVE GODDESS' but may I say WOW!! I am so glad I went with my gut and expressed my "real feelings" in a straight shooting manner.. That is how I lead my life in n out of all scenarios and I  can only say once again the people of TER all came in and gave me a feeling of I do belong here and the majority of members are truly caring great people.

So, thank you.. I am not the best writer or typist but please note I feel more in perspective of my origional concern and I am honored by the sincere PM's and posts
keepthem coming!(no punn intended)
Warm regards
Lovely Lorena

This is a very complex issue but one of the reasons, at least for top-tier ladies is Raised Expectations.

We see Gentlemen on their best behaviour, dressed to our nines, and in luxurious environments.

Men spend signigicant effort and substantial amounts of money to spend time in our company.  Lead this life for few years and all of a sudden you raise the bar in your personal life


Unfortunately I have to put on little black dress and run to dinner so I have to revisit this post after i get home

Lina

but I think your answer is right on!!
thank you beautiful lady for that 411
Ibthink you hit the nail on the head!!
xoxox Lovely Lorena of las vegas!!

You do honey!

And the more i think about it the more i am convinced it may be major reason.



Lina

LL, I don’t know if this will help as my personal experience is converse to your situation.  A little background: married over half of my life to the same wonderful woman, couple of great kids….and I hobby.  Why?  Maybe, because I married young.

Well your probably thinking how’s this useful?  I recently had the great fortune of spending an evening with a wonderful lady (provider).  Since then I’ve caught myself thinking “What if”  

Is the grass greener on the other side?  

The trouble is that wanting something implies that you don't have it. And most people value what they want more than what they have. The only way out is to keep wanting what you have, it means to not get bored of what you have, still using or enjoying what you have.
Grass looks greener on the other side, because it's the grass that you don't have. The saying points out precisely this aspect of some people's psychology: that they think that what they want is better than what they have.

This is something I use to stay grounded to what I have with my family and this wonderful lady that I understand sees our relationship as one of business.  We all need to enjoy what we have and work towards future goals, being financial, spiritual or emotional.

There are many relevant and pertinent statements.  May I just leave you with this:

When you do find the happiness you seek, it takes tremendous give and take on both parties, understanding of your partner’s actions or even non actions.  Be more committed to the relationship than the person.

Maybe I’m all wet but I wish you the best and enjoy seeking your happiness!

LL, I think being based in LV makes it even harder (yes, I checked you out).  I can't imagine a "normal" relationship in that city, especially if you disclose what you do.  I don't mean to generalize and I don't live there so maybe there is a normal social scene that I don't see why visiting.  Its hard enough in a "normal" city to find quality people.  I am 41, good looking, recently divorced and severely struggling to find quality people to spend time with.  Everyone is so busy and the good ones I meet are always taken.  Good look to you and don't give up.

o the ence!! : )
I have to say this week has been a remarkeable week in regards to all areas of my life. including my providing.
I have been doing things that are unique to me and doing so has opened up my eyes..
examples..I allowed myself to eat junk food at a big Italian festival in Las Vegas(a usual no no for me!" )it felt great
then I did a big ferris wheel ..I have fear of certain rides but I did it!!
I danced at the festival with  beautiful  Italian woman(they were mature aged 70 plus)
I signed up for rock climbing
what an epiphany I was given by all!!
I will keep you posted..
gratefully and respectully
lovely lorena

I should have reread.
yet mr.ol guy..(i love the alias lol : ))
you are NOT OLD!! hehe
the point I want to convey is that I finally lived life outside my NORM!!
I didnt worry about the glamour and I enjoyed all who came to me in all scenarios!!
and I ran with it ..
thanx again

I'm in a similar situation, except it's just friends that I want.  Just gal friends to hang out/go out with, to the malls or bars, etc.  I'm slowly coming to the realization that I am indeed socially inept.  My true personality is pretty much my 'work personality', and I constantly have to put on a front to be accepted by normal people who I really don't have much in common with.  I just want to have fun sometimes and have someone to talk about stuff to, too.  It's really difficult in the biz, as we're not 'normal' people.  I don't want to have to ACT normal to fit in...I guess that's where my ineptitude comes in.  Good luck!

I agree it is a very isolated life. We keep secrets and some we aren't even aware of. We are guarded in many ways, it makes it harder to connect. We have the usual reservations that everyone else has and then a bit extra. We have to decide to kiss and tell about what we do or not, when to do so and can we trust this person with our secret and our heart.
I think it complicates things, no doubt. It makes s some what stand offish. Maybe to some degree not totally being ourselves.
Well I know with me and my last full blown distructive relationship, I kept this a secret for 3yrs, it was complicated. I put up with more shit than normally I would have if I didn't have a secret to keep. I pasified him on many occasions to keep my secret. I was not completely my whole true self. I put up with too much shit to BE in a relationship. Now that's really NOT who I am.
Deciding to be fully honest in the end ended things once and for all which really after the explosion is a huge relief. Well now the fall out is messy and a disaster but I no longer have this secret to hide. Just a man who's behaving like a 3yr old out for revenge for doing him wrong. Its losing steam so eventually like a 3yr old h will tire himself out and find someone else to torture.

Good luck

from what i have seen from your posts and reading your website (i read it all before even looking at the pictures or your TER profile) you are most certainly top shelf

your pictures and profile just reinforce my opinion of that, in fact now I am thinking when I make a trip to Vegas later this year....

If you have to act to fit in with your friends then they are not really your friends.

i don't mean necessarily share your occupation, i know that takes a lot of trust more than with a group of casual friends

I have a very small group of friends, most are in the same work I do. It can be lonely as well because it involves long hours and LOTS of travel. I'm not the best at meeting people, hate crowded bars and the like, kind of shy at heart. Combine that with my travel 9 or 10 months a year, and I understand exactly how socially inept feels. Its the main reason I search out providers.

Oh one other thing I saw somewhere on one of these   boards. Wish I could remember where so I knew who to credit. A great piece of wisdom...
'normal is nothing but a setting on the washing machine'
(or something like that)

I have made friends in this industry ..and I have to say it is a great feeling to speak open and candid with them..yet, unfortunately not all the women I have encountered have had good intentions towards me..

That is not to say I eliminate any possibilty of friendship but it does have me always entering a new friendship with a guarded feeling.

I hope I dont sound jaded because honestly, I have a handful of close provider friends that I see/call/ or just plain hang out with ..

I am ALWAYS open to friends. My father always told me ,"you can never have too many friends"

I also must say whoever said the phrase you referenced was a very wise/comical person

Thank you for your honesty and sincerity
LL