Re: provider question needing advice..

Dear Lovelylorena,

You are NOT socially inept, or else you wouldn't be a successful provider. The reasons for not finding an "outside love interest" could be very similar to those of civvie women, ranging from just not meeting someone appropriate, to being so caught up in your career that you can't seem to give up something to get something because you really are caught in a rigid rut [yup, sometimes even falling for someone involves a compromise.]

Of course it would be easy to blame providing as the ultimate occupational hazard, but if we do that, then we really take the easy way out. There are SO many reasons for why women don't become romantically engaged - for one, it's more difficult to MEET men than one would think! Bars - meh. Hobbies - who's got them? It's tough! And if you join match.com or other such venues, you're just as liable to run into a frog as you are finding a prince - it's really the luck of the draw.

You're not saying how old you are, but I believe that it gets a little more difficult to fall for someone special the older we get. When we're in our teens and early 20s, it's easy, simply because we don't have enough frames of reference. We're open to just about anyone, as long as he's cute. As we get older, however, we get over the looks/sex issues, and we begin to make some reasonable demands on our potential partners. And that's where it can get tricky. I really believe it's less about clients filling the void of romance per se, and more of being a provider who has tasted a life where men really put women on pedestals, however temporary. Often, providers feel that clients are more solicitous, kind and caring than civvie partners. So how are you going to beat that?

On the other hand, being with a client is largely a fantasy, even if it's a superfun job. You KNOW that the client is not going to behave like that 24/7, and yet when you are in a professional setting, it's easy to forget that it's just temporary. And in a civvie relationship, particularly in one between two equals, it's not easy to experience the kind of seductive control exchange that goes on in a professional sexwork setting. In addition, many hookups just seem clumsy or artless compared to the champagne dates that providers often experience.

My advice to you is to take some of your hard-earned dollars and go away on a trip or two in a completely different setting. I have no idea what your interests are, but my suggestion would be to go away on a trekking trip or some kind of rugged, outdoorsy vacation where you'll meet people who are not into any fantasy at all. It doesn't matter if you end up being the glamour babe of the group - so much the better! But I believe it's easier to abandon yourself to romance in a very unlikely, unexpected environment, rather than hang out at the same places over and over again, only to have your expectations greatly unmet.

You don't sound pitiful at all - every unattached gal I know in her 30s, regardless of what she does for a living, has complained to me about these issues. But the only way that you will have a good shot at meeting someone is really by breaking your patterns. So start thinking about it, and I bet you'll come up with something quite radical.

Maybe the unexpected will happen?
The Love Goddess

I think it's hard to meet people, period, and being in this business makes it that much harder.  We tend to live an isolated life.  If that's where you are, you are definitely not alone.

I don't think you should give up.  You will not meet anyone if you do not make yourself available.  In the business, there is an unspoken line that must not be crossed.  Is it that so many of the men you meet are married, that your wall is built high?  If a single guy "fell in your lap" would you at least consider him?
Is there time in your life for anything besides work?  You could take a class at a nearby college.  You could take up a hobby that interests you.  Yes, you could take trips or cruises, meet new people.  I'd not be above matchmaking where some matching of interests is done.  (Just get out your frog repellant & go for it.)  
I went through a couple of periods where work & another where a relationship with someone who was not truely available BLOCKED opportunities to meet someone...  This was very poor planning on my part.  
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More than a few providers whom I have gotten to know well have confessed to me that one of the biggest sore spots of being a provider is that they do not feel that they can ever meet that "special person" for fear that the person would never accept their job, and they would not want to try and build a relationship on deception.

I feel bad for these gals and any providers who feel this way.  We're talking about denying one of the strongest human needs there is.

As Lenin put it:  What is to be done?

Lovelylorena,

I can understand your perspective to some degree as an old ATF went through a transition from provider to civi. One of my first forays into this world was with a beautiful eastern European woman (About 10-15 yrs older) who helped me get over a broken heart.

She was about to leave when I first started seeing her, we had chemistry so she let me see her a few months after she pulled her ads and killed the work phone number. Then we started to see each other off the clock and soon it was friends with benefits. She confined in me her hesitation to start dating as she was not sure how to explain her previous profession to someone if she fell in love and compelled to full disclosure. Also what if she met a former client while dating, this terrified her. She had a great deal of concern. We saw each other for about a year, during that year she started her own business with the money she had saved. This gave her confidence and pushed her into civi life by making her deal with people daily as a business owner and professional.

Then one day she asked me to come over and explained that she was now ready to move on and needed to leave behind any part of her provider life, I knew what that meant. So I wished her well as she finally made the transition to the civi world. So you may not be looking to retire but perhaps a venture into another business or hobby will give you what you are looking for, it happens when we least expect it to.  

This is a very complex issue but one of the reasons, at least for top-tier ladies is Raised Expectations.

We see Gentlemen on their best behaviour, dressed to our nines, and in luxurious environments.

Men spend signigicant effort and substantial amounts of money to spend time in our company.  Lead this life for few years and all of a sudden you raise the bar in your personal life


Unfortunately I have to put on little black dress and run to dinner so I have to revisit this post after i get home

Lina

LL, I don’t know if this will help as my personal experience is converse to your situation.  A little background: married over half of my life to the same wonderful woman, couple of great kids….and I hobby.  Why?  Maybe, because I married young.

Well your probably thinking how’s this useful?  I recently had the great fortune of spending an evening with a wonderful lady (provider).  Since then I’ve caught myself thinking “What if”  

Is the grass greener on the other side?  

The trouble is that wanting something implies that you don't have it. And most people value what they want more than what they have. The only way out is to keep wanting what you have, it means to not get bored of what you have, still using or enjoying what you have.
Grass looks greener on the other side, because it's the grass that you don't have. The saying points out precisely this aspect of some people's psychology: that they think that what they want is better than what they have.

This is something I use to stay grounded to what I have with my family and this wonderful lady that I understand sees our relationship as one of business.  We all need to enjoy what we have and work towards future goals, being financial, spiritual or emotional.

There are many relevant and pertinent statements.  May I just leave you with this:

When you do find the happiness you seek, it takes tremendous give and take on both parties, understanding of your partner’s actions or even non actions.  Be more committed to the relationship than the person.

Maybe I’m all wet but I wish you the best and enjoy seeking your happiness!

LL, I think being based in LV makes it even harder (yes, I checked you out).  I can't imagine a "normal" relationship in that city, especially if you disclose what you do.  I don't mean to generalize and I don't live there so maybe there is a normal social scene that I don't see why visiting.  Its hard enough in a "normal" city to find quality people.  I am 41, good looking, recently divorced and severely struggling to find quality people to spend time with.  Everyone is so busy and the good ones I meet are always taken.  Good look to you and don't give up.

I'm in a similar situation, except it's just friends that I want.  Just gal friends to hang out/go out with, to the malls or bars, etc.  I'm slowly coming to the realization that I am indeed socially inept.  My true personality is pretty much my 'work personality', and I constantly have to put on a front to be accepted by normal people who I really don't have much in common with.  I just want to have fun sometimes and have someone to talk about stuff to, too.  It's really difficult in the biz, as we're not 'normal' people.  I don't want to have to ACT normal to fit in...I guess that's where my ineptitude comes in.  Good luck!