I'm no dr Drew.... But I just could not help myself with this one

I called up one of my favorites today to say hi, and she sounded like she was crying.
I asked her what up and at first she did not want to talk about it, but then she started to open up.

background:
she is in her mid 40's, been providing for 2 years, has a 19 year old son who knows what she does and she "works" from home.

She tells me her son has been acting up and challenging her authority. He comes and goes as he pleases and has come home drunk a few times. He took her car for 3 days and has been on a downward spiral with drugs and alcohol.

She has NO IDEA why he is acting up.  

I know that when i was 19, if i found out my mom was a provider i would have lost my shit.

she is in complete denial. Is it worth telling her whats up?

Yup, kids are rebellious at that age. Can you imagine what her son is feeling? He is has to accept that his mother is a provider, and he is at that age where he is aware of the social context, that is, the acceptable and unacceptable behaviors of society. He's going through some tough times right now.

He got it tough, that's no way to raise a kid, especially a son. Makes me thankful for my fortunate upbringing by loving and caring parents. I don't know why I turned out this way. That is, wasting all of my money on providers, although I live a productive life and contribute to society, and have a heart to care for people.

He is at that age where he will begin to search for independence because he can no longer accept that his mother is a provider. He doesn't want to go through the turmoil on a daily basis. It's a lot to take in and accept. Especially for his age, it must be very difficult for him to accept that his mom is seeing multiple men a day.

I wouldn't involve myself with that drama, it's too much baggage to take in. There can be many reasons for his rebellion, and his mother being a provider is definitely affecting his decision to misbehave. If you want to get involve, then be my guest. However, don't make it as the main focus of her being a provider is the number one reason as to why he is rebelling. Talk to her to find out what is causing it, then gradually ask her, does she think he is rebelling because of her occupation.

As a man, there is no greater dilemma, and nothing more shameful than finding out that your mother is providing. It totally hurts a man's emotion and consciousnesses. There is nothing greater than knowing that your mom is a provider, and I feel for the boy. He needs therapy. For this reason, providers should not inform their children that they are providing. As a hobbyist, I respect and enjoy this hobby and providers. However, because of its taboo, and society's expectations of such a hobby, it should be kept in the dark.

There are 2 gals that I see who have exactly the same problem-one has a son-the other a daughter-in each case some how the kids found out what Mom does for a living-it is a problem-I too very much appreciate that these 2 gals are in the Hobby-and given today's access to info via websites-It should be expected that anyone you know will soon learn that a gal is providing-there are no secrets in this secret life if you take the time to look just a little-very little!  There is no easy answer to the problem-gals provide -  we appreciate it-they appreciate the money-that is the way it is-but....if you don't want to be caught and have your photo's on your website-and many websites-it will be discovered-not only by their kids but by friends, neighbors, family members, etc..."That is the business we have chosen"!!

lock him out of the house first, take her car keys back and let him be independent on his own. The trouble is he knows her line of work and can cause problems making a bad situation worse.

I think her son is troubled by his mother's work and is made worse by how he found out. Was she upfront or did he find out by accident? If his friends found out, dealing with the stigma and emotional heartbreak from teasing he will receive from friends that his mom "is a whore" would be too hard to deal with.

Providing from home is a mistake, she should have used better judgement. Too many risks are involved.

I am the last to get involved with the personal lives of providers but here is a situation where I think you can help without getting overly involved.

She should stop providing if she can for a while, certainly not from home and let him know that she doesn't "provide" anymore. Let him know that he is now an adult and set some firm ground rules for living at home, no drugs or alcohol. Allow him to use her car with limits. Fixing the relationship with her son by having an open an honest discussion with him will help. Along the way she should encourage him to become an independent by going to college, tech school, work, getting a car and eventually moving out.

As he grows older he will understand or acceptance will set in but right now he needs her attention and is crying for help inside. You can help by putting yourself in his shoes and letting her know what is going on without getting too involved.

You could substitute doctor, stay at home mom, teacher or any other profession in this story and no one would blame the profession for his behavior... just if she's a provider.

I have known many, many women whose kids went through a downward spiral at that age who weren't providers. One coworker, a customer service manager, found her 19 year old son dying in his room after an overdose. He died in her arms. If she were a provider, you all would quickly blame it on that. But she's not, oh, so it must be something else. Well maybe if she's a provider, it's STILL something else!

Can you image discussing behind her back whether you should tell her that her son was having problems because she's a customer service manager (so it's her fault!)? How incredibly ignorant that would appear, right?

You guys are being incredibly narrow minded.

There are providers whose kids DON'T know they are providers who are having problems with their kids!

Raising kids is tough! Teens have all kinds of problems and issues and the common denominator is not "their mom is a hooker!"

You guys need to stop being arm chair psychologists and just mind your own business with how other people raise their children. You raise yours how you want to but you are in no position to give any insight or advice on how providers should be raising their children! You are not in their shoes! What is this, "Thank god I had loving parents BS?" As if providers aren't loving parents... are you for real?

And stop with the blanket statements about how all providers always get "found out" by everyone who knows them! That just isn't true!!! It can happen, yes, but it's not a given.

God, this ignorant, stupid shit makes me so mad! And now there will be a barrage of individual, isolated stories from guys about providers who were found out or who have problems with their kids in order too justify the assumption... NONE of which prove that these blanket statements are true!

But some of you love to pick at and find fault with providers in every way and for every reason possible, so it doesn't really matter what the truth is. For some of you, it only matters that there is something new to criticize.

what she does has nothing to do with her sons problems..he is just fucked up..

My response to this issue was not to condem the gal about providing but only to point out that the kids, etc...will ultimately find out...............At least from my perspective I was not finding fault-so take that for whatever it is worth and have a nice day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've raised teen agers... most of my friends and acquaintances have raised teen-agers.. the little fucks don't come with a users manual or even an help desk number... most of them were terrors at one point or another in their teen years.. some grew up to be productive members of society, some did not and are still a problem for their parents... some parents are raising their grand children.. none of these peopel are hookers... hell half of them are not even women..

It's good to know the good ole double standard is still alive and well in our sexually repressed society

Sure he might be upset she provides, but it could be something else.  First of all, telling him is one thing, providing from home puts it much more in his face, so I'd suggest she find another incall.  As for the kid, you have no idea what other factors might be causing him to act out.  Sounds like he's got a drug and alcohol problem that could have nothing to do with her providing.  Also sounds like there's no Dad around.  Not a good thing, either and you have no idea whether he play any role as a father figure.  I could go on, but you get the idea.

Now she's 21 and actually turning human again.  She doesn't know that I'm a provider, but she does know that I have a rather promiscuous streak.  She once found my stash of condoms and was a little horrified.  But that was just last year - after she had turned human again.  lol

She apparently could hear enough & guess the rest.  Daughter was grossed out & just upset...  I apparently was not the first & certainly not the last to be entertained in Mom's bedroom.  (If she could have held off a few weeks, the sex basically stopped but by then she was established at the grandparents.)
This situation is a disaster.  She needs to at minimum move her business off the premisis & cut it down so it's not happening during times he might be home.  I do know providers who entertain no more than 1 client per day...  from home...  during school hours & no one the wiser.  

As a client, it is not your place to play shrink.  You can hint but a lesson I had to learn is that the end of the day it's not our call nor our decision.   It is between parent & "adult" child...  this could blow up in her face...  and you don't want to be too close.
H

Quit, for the good of your son? Lie, and tell him you quit?

My parents got divorced in my early teens and my Mom had an active sex life after that. She was shy, but horny. Since she really did not have any other friends, she decided it was a good idea to tell me about her sex life. Which I hated, and I got away from her as quickly as I could (never lived at home after 16). The whole thing was creepy as hell for me. And not because we were living outside some social norms either - the whole problem was that my Mom creeped me out to start, and to know she was having sex was way over the top disgusting for me.

No question that I was acting up before I left. But was it because she was fucking around? Ended up spending a fair amount of time in counseling to get over some of that crap, and I do not believe her sex life ever came up. Not once. It was an easy and obvious thing to focus my anger on at the time, but that was because it was safe, not really scary like the shit that was really bugging me. At that age, your parents are a mortal embarassment no matter what they do.

Sort of ironic that this group immediately blames providing for a kid's problems, assuming we know the exact cause without ever meeting the kid, or knowing much about the situation.

My advice - shut up. You have no idea what the problem is, and should not offer advice or opinions unless asked in any case. Just because you know A and B does not mean A caused B. It is not a great stretch to believe Mom had her own rebellious and substance abuse issues, which would explain why son is reacting that way to his stress. Even if Mom removed this stress, that age is stressful and son needs to learn how to manage stress and take care of himself.

The short story!
I was a hell cat from 14 on.... you name it I did it and was scared of nothing..
I am so lucky to be alive and not in prison... I turned my life around with the blessings of my children and vowed I would never ever let them do the things I did. BECAUSE I LOVED THEM!
I am not saying your friend does not love her kid.. But TOUGH LOVE IS THE BEST KIND..
I had no rules and no boundries and not a soul in this world who was there to guide me.. all I really wanted was someone who belived in me and someone who was there to guide me with love.........

I recently kicked my 19 year old son old of the house.. it was hard but one day I am going to be dead and one day he is  going to have to follow rules and get along in the world and the world is hard and cruel and will not make excuses for him..

My son is a good kid for the most part.. but... I Have rules and he lived a damn good life because I worked my ass off to give it to him.. He obviously thought he could have as much and do it on his own... Today he is driving a scooter, needs a haircut. but did just get a job and misses home ...He can come home as soon as he can follow the rules..

TELL YOUR FRIEND. YOU MAY BE SAVING HIS LIFE.......................... It is easy for kids to find love and acceptance in all the wrong places and by then it may be too late..

A little bit of pain along the way is much better then a lifetime of heartache...........

Guess I should have pointed out..

In your case ..

MOM should move her business elsewhere..
Kid's I don't care what the age don't need to know about the business of their parents..
MOM in your case... needs to be a grown up. She should know better............

The most important factors were the ways in which he experienced her as a mother during his childhood, and especially during his infancy and early childhood.

As far as her job goes, it is realistic to acknowledge that there is a stigma attached to sex work, and that he will have to deal with the stigma, just as she does, if/when her job becomes known to others.   The stigma is the result of ignorance and is very unfair, but it still exists.

The more pressing concern is the possibilty that he has become a substance abuser.  He is an adult, and can seek professional help if he chooses to.  His loved ones can encourage him to do that.  

Professional counseling can also be helpful to both the mother and son in making their relationship a healthier one.  Going separately to their own therapists would probably be more helpful than going together to a single counselor for both.

So that he can get an appreciation of what a great service his mom provides to the masses.

If she has a daughter too, maybe there's a chance for a job shadow day.

I'm  sure lawyers' kids have some of the same shame issues.

Dear Jessica:
What would be the conundrums and other things that you contemplated about during the time that you considered being a provider with respect to how it would effect your child? Also how did you plan to answer certain questions if they did come up? Finally what certain things did you think about with respect to him and his peers if he did find out about what you did and how would you handle it since you where in psychological and profesionally uncharted territory?

MEGO (My Eyes Glaze Over).  Please try to keep it simple.  The rest of us are not cunning linguists like yourself.

how un comfortable for the son. that stinks. wow that be like every sons worst nightmare. Most sons are already very protective of there mothers. Oh dear. I would say maybe she should come out the blue with sorry son, i stopped today, SAnd from there on out call only and dont let the poor kid know. That def drive a kid to insanity, oh my god,

Speak for yourself. Duplicitious wrote concisely and to the point (even if you don't understand it).

Meaning, and I'm just throwing this out there, but what if he had a male who 'got it'? I mean, a male to truly cared. Truly listened. Not judge. Be supportive of his point of view, but also try to get him to understand, on his level, how things can happen to cause people to make certain decisions. Mabe he'd open up a little at a time if he had a male to trust and respect. One who doesn't yell at him every time he's high or drunk. Maybe, the kid will go to the adult males place when he's down, or whatever, instead of altering his mind/mood/feelings with drugs and alcohol. Kicking the YOUNG man out might ruin him. If I got kicked out under that circumstance, I'd feel like I didn't matter. Dad isn't around.....we don't know why. Now mom kicks me out!? And she a "provider"? Am I that worthless? Man, I wouldn't chance kicking him out. He needs a male to turn to. A male to open up to. An adult male who doesn't judge him OR his mother. A male figure who tries to talk to him as a person. A father figure. He needs support, understanding, some strcture(rules/guidelines), and to be allowed to fuck up every now and then. He will look back at this time in his life and, if somebody helped him, or tried, he'd appreciate that, and respect hat, alot. His head and heart can change, but he needs to be made aware that SOMEBODY gives a damn about him, and HIS happiness. You see, we don't even know how she reacts when he's all f'd up when he comes home. Does she cuss him out? Belittle him? Actually tell him that he's worthless/useless? There's a lot we don't know. But there's a lot that can be done by somebody who cares. Somebody who's in it for the boy. It's gotta happen fast, or he could be lost for a looooong time. And I'm sure most on here know how that can turn out.
She is old enough to fuck up and suffer ALL the consequences. He's just old enough to fuck up, but be assisted to understand and learn. He has to learn from his mistakes. She apparently hasnt learned from her mistakes. Damn. He's got it rough. That's gotta suck.

Ok. With all that said. I am NOT suggesting that YOU do anything. I suggest you decide whether or not you distance yourself from that situation for a while, or at least don't visit her there. If you wanna do her, fine, but not there at that house no matter what!
Also, there is some DAMN GOOD ADVICE in this thread by many people who know and care. No one can say any ONE of these points of view or ways of dealing with it is completely right.
No one can tell you what to do, only suggestions, mixed with knowledge/experience, but it's up to you, what you're going to do BECAUSE of what you know. It's a simple question really. Do you want to be known by that young man as "one of those men"? Think about that real long and hard, my friend. I lay money on the fact that he's looking for someone to show him he matters. Someone to show him they care. I don't mean he'looking for that because SHE is the only reason. Chances are, that only adds to his already complicated/confusing life. Don't forget. His hormones, too. Somebody mentioned tough love. Listen. After a while, he WILL "get it"(the reason for the tough love, I mean).
A teenager at that age, in today's society, on the cusp of becoming a real adult where your life hinges on all your choices, has got to be hideous and scary as hell. Now, he's got THAT home life? Put all that together. Every time he sees a man at his house has got to really hurt.  
However, it has been stated that we may be too eager to assume its completely her fault. The home life she is providing might be what has put him over the top, but not necessarily THE reason why.
I don't know. It's hard to just pry. It may not seem right on the surface, but distancing yourself from that whole seen might be the best thing for ya. If she asks you why, tell her.
Whatever you decide, stick to your guns. Don't change your mind.
And don't forget about the karma!

-- Modified on 2/14/2012 4:31:35 PM

-- Modified on 2/14/2012 4:48:29 PM

It's nice to have a fan club.  Thanks so much.
PS: How long did it take for you to troll the board and find a day-old post of mine to comment on?  I had hoped you had better things to do.  But apparently not.