Dear Abby:
    I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.  My parents live in Fort Worth.  One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.  My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.  I have recently become engaged to marry a former
prostitute who lives in Longview.  She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.  Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

(My apologies to the good people of the state of Texas, and the cities of Beaumont, Fort Worth, Pflugerville, Dallas, Huntsville, and Longview.  Any similarities to real or imagined people is strictly coincidental.)

Go ahead and tell them if you don't mind finding yourself on the end of a rope and/or tarred and feathered.

Please let me know when you're having your next family reunion.  I want to make sure that I am out of state.

Yours,

Abby

-- Modified on 8/18/2008 7:54:34 AM

Dear Worried About My Reputation:

I was asked by Abby to respond to your dilemma.

Your fiance should understand that things are not always as bad as they seem.  For example, while I was married, I began an illicit affair with the daughter of a drug dealer.  Within one year of our first meeting, I left my wife and children to marry her.  After her father died, she took over his business of distributing an addictive substance that ruins lives, families and marriages and became wealthy off the misery of others.  

We all have our faults, and your fiance will understand.  

Sincerely,

John McCain