Sorry for bring this here but there's nowhere else to talk about it and its eating me up.

I've seen a young lady twice now and I've been so moved by her it makes me tear to think about her. I've seen some wonderful ladies in my years in the hobby. Some have been great one time experiences, some friendships, some so so experiences and one disaster. Most of the ladies I've met in this business have been nice. I've seen a couple I've had a crushes, not romance just a crush.  

This girl is too sweet. Yes, to me she's a girl, I'm about three and a half times her age but she treats me like I'm not. She's the only lady if seen since I returned that doesn't have to close her eyes to kiss me or during sex. So what's the problem? The last time I saw her some things happened that made me come the the conclusion I have.  

During that visit I just wanted 'time and companionship'. I just wanted to help her. We had a good time talking and I was happy with that. Then I started getting sad. Why? She's not acting, she really likes my company and I really like hers. So, I ask for a cover, I need to change this feeling. Didn't work. I no longer want to f--k her, I want to make love to her and want to tell her so. I don't, that would be a disaster. I could 'explode' at any time but I don't because I don't want it to end. So it goes on and on and I'm afraid I'm wearing her out. Ding! Times up! I'm not done and she offers more time, I don't take it. Not fair, and I'm afraid because I want to stay. I just tell her I schedule more time next time, she deserves it and I want it. When I'm dressed we kiss and she says the fatal words, she tells me I'm a nice. She asked a question I brushed off with a joke, but it really made me think later. We kiss again and she walks me to the door and another kiss. I leave and walk halfway to the car and run the rest, I didn't park close.

I don't remember the ride home, I'm in a daze. I eat and go to bed, emotionally exhausted, its mid afternoon. I try to read, it doesn't work, I'm thinking of her. I try TV, it doesn't work either.  

Now I find myself wondering if I'm too old and have gotten too soft. Yes to both. My solution, go away. For those that think, just see someone else, I have and it was listless on both our parts. So I'm just going. Will I be back, I don't know, but probably not. Maybe but I need to get my head together and my heart out of this if I can. Age isn't for the weak, and I think I've gotten weak.

Conclusion, its goodbye to all

She did her job. She obviously did it very well. She did exactly what you paid her to do. She gave you an authentic girlfriend experience. You are correct in knowing it is up to you to control your emotions. If saying goodbye to seeing providers is the only way to control them, then so be it. But kudos to her for doing such a great job.

I'm an old guy chronologically. Old age is not for the weak. You're watching your body and life disintegrate. You try to stay fit and healthy but that doesn't stop the disintegration. Unless you have some support along the way, aging is not easy. I've been missing the TLC for so long I've gotten weak. That and some of the other stresses going on in my life have made my emotional state very fragile. It doesn't take much to bring a tear to my eye. If this had been one of the more experienced ladies it wouldn't have been a problem. This girl isn't experienced. She wasn't trying it just happened.  

The unhappy part is this was the only place I could get that TLC as well as the extras which I've miss for so long and now I can't. I almost broke down on my last visit with her and she noticed and tried to comfort me. That was tough for me. I thought I was in control, but this young lady showed me I'm not.  
She was young and sweet and I'm not. Reality sucks sometimes.

Most of the ladies here are professionals and don't need some jerk breaking down on them. I need to move on, to what I don't know

I think it depends if you are a glass-half-full or glass-half-empty kind of person.  Me?  I'm old too - just got my National Park Pass for Seniors!  I don't see the world the way you do, I look at that I have SURVIVED when so many have not, and when I go out it will be sideways skidding tires and throwing sparks.  I've been hit by a car and left for dead on the road, had terminal cancer - or so I was told - (hey ladies, I have a scars you wouldn't believe!).  And I'm still on the Right Side of the Dirt.  Just took up bicycling again, and can be seen around town pedaling as fast as I can make it go, which is pretty fast.  I still ride motorcycles and my daily driver is a quick little german convertible, not some Buick 4-door sedan.    So personally, I don't mind getting old - because I have wisdom and money now, something I didn't have when I was young.  Aging suits me just fine, the young are not nearly as smart and as much fun to be around.  

You are hiring someone here for a service.  You have to keep things in perspective.  Would you fall madly for your plumber just because they did a great job fixing your pipes?   Or for your housekeeper because she said nice things to you while dusting the living room? I don't think so, because you realize its a service.  Your forgot that.   For TLC, go meet someone real and forget about trying to hire it out.  You want to play with 20-somethings and re-live your college days, then realize that is fantasy-world.  Lose your filters and you WILL get sucked down the abyss

I'm sorry to hear this story. Makes me feel really sad for you.  

Have you considered an SB? There are all types of arrangements out there for all different kinds of people. I think we've all been there where we fell a little too hard for that one person against our better judgement. Don't be so hard on yourself, dude.... we're all human. Maybe on SA you can find a more long term arrangement where there's a better chance of making an authentic connection with someone. Of course there's still an element of P4P there, but you can make it as sexual or platonic as you want it to be. Sounds like you just need a little compassion, companionship, and kindness... Hope you find someone/something that works for you.

emotionally separate from the Real world, get the hell out of P4P!
 

Previous responses offer a lot of wisdom and practical suggestions, and I hope you heed them.  Your "malady" is not uncommon, but you can heal most of it yourself rather than hoping that some attractive provider will do it for you.  They can help, but it's not fair to put the entire burden on them -- to heal your malaise -- but you can do it, either by yourself, or in combination with professional therapists or sympathetic amateurs.   I have no idea how old you are but I'd bet I have about 10 years on you and I know something about what  you're talking about.  While you're deciding what road you want to take, and notice that I'm saying you have to start the ball rolling yourself, please consider what a wise old guy said a long time ago, on the same general subject: RALPH Waldo EMERSON:   “We dress our garden, eat our dinners, discuss the household with our wives, and these things make no impression, are forgotten next week; but in the solitude to which every man is always returning, he has a sanity and revelations, which in his passage into new worlds he will carry with him. Never mind the ridicule, never mind the defeat: up again, old heart!

Good luck!

Not being mean. Just saying. Sounds like it would help you a lot more than getting your dick wet.