I had the occasion this week to make and receive confirmation for an appointment with a provider which any frequent reader of the discussion board would be familiar with; she’s a recurrent poster. She also has a stellar reputation. Her online persona is both pleasant and intelligent. Her reviews portray her to be kind and giving; I wanted to meet her. Unfortunately, when the time arrived in which she stated she would e-mail me the contact information, nothing, not a word. I e-mailed her a verification message, silence. As this was to be an early morning appointment I waited throughout the night until it was time for me to call it a day. At this time I sent one last e-mail, I guess you could call it a slight slap on the wrist communiqué; expressing my surprise having not heard from her, that this seemed uncharacteristic of her online persona and was somewhat inconsiderate. Not a rage, not an ill tempered rant, I let her know I understand that circumstances can arise that could prevent her from keeping our appointment, what I couldn’t understand is her not getting back in touch with me to let me know. An apologetic response has not been received. Now I realize that she could be reluctant or embarrassed to acknowledge her behavior here, she doesn’t know me, it’s a risky business, she even could be scared, the thought of just letting it go and moving on seems the safest course. It is not. Now to the point of this post; a general observation that the ladies should contemplate, most of us including myself, and let me make that point very clear, including myself, would just let the situation go no matter what course it took. But if you were dealing with “that guy” the behavior exhibited here in this situation is exactly the type that would set him off. So for your own safety ladies remember in your correspondence with your “friends” that although you are communicating with the many it is the one that you are trying to pacify.

Agreed, I've had providers that just stopped communicating with me as well.  I've set up an appointment with a well reputable provider in the past and she couldn't fulfill it due to an emergency she had early on in the day which was completely understandable.  She contacted me later on in the week to apologize which I was grateful for.  However when I tried to schedule another appointment with her again she never replied to my emails, so I simply stopped trying.  I've even had providers simply not pick up the phone when I've arrived at the location, and these were reviewed providers.

Be serious!

i would never agree to see you.

you are taking liberties that would only be acceptable, i think, among well established friends with a history of trust.

what i find particularly disturbing is the commentary of your title "be charming to be disarming" provided by the message texts:

"it’s a risky business, she even could be scared, the thought of just letting it go and moving on seems the safest course. It is not."

"But if you were dealing with “that guy” the behavior exhibited here in this situation is exactly the type that would set him off."

now i am way liberal and warm in my approach to this but you sound like you have a poor attitude and possibly an unwholesome one to boot.

since you have no prior track record to indicate safety of "friendship" i have to say that to me your post reads like an alarming but plausibly deniable threat.

i'd stay away from you without regret.

on the lighter side i cannot refrain from adding:
your handle suggests doughnuts.

Having hobbied for quite a long time now (longer than the internet, cell phones, etc), I will share my wisdom with you for what its worth. Many of the people in this buisness do not respond back for one reason or another. Some are over booked. Some make several small appointments, and then get a big long appt with a regular and blow the little ones away (especially if they are new clients). There is no commitment on the ladies side to answer every call, text, or email. The more popular ones have the luxury of choosing who and when they want to see a client.
Now if one of your references or something in your verification smelled bad, then most Ladies or schedulers would put your phone number into a "Do Not Answer" Status.
Seeing you do not have any reviews listed here on TER, that is another red flag for popular ladies, and they may not take a chance on seeing any new clients.
I originally thought, like you did that if someone could not make an appt. or had a problem with not being able to contact someone in the verification process that they would call me or email me so that I would understand or be able to fix the problem. There side of the buisness, does not seem to work like that. They instead go into silent mode.
I am not implying that all Ladies do this, but I have had it happen enough times in the last 10 years to recognize the pattern.
I had one lady in Florida several years ago, insist her phone battery went dead. I asked why she did not reply to my emails, when she did not show up on the day and time we agreed to. Then came the excuse that they shut off her email service for several days due to non-payment. At least she picked up the phone a couple days later to give me excuses, why she had blown me off. By then I was in the airport and heading for home.
My advice is to move on and try again with another reputable lady that suits your taste. Write a review even.

for a rather grouchy response.

although i think the points in my post are still something to consider. i did not choose to make them politely.

I take exception to the implications of your post. If my intention was to threaten anyone I wouldn’t do it on a public forum using my legitimate handle. The post wasn’t written in malice, it wasn’t a shout out of the provider. Do you know her name? No, because it wasn’t meant to malign her. Since this was the first time this has happened to me, this experience simply was the catalyst to prompt me to convey to women on the discussion board that this might not be the safest practice. As I stated in my post, which you conveniently left out of your response, let me guess, political consultant, the vast majority of men would simply move on, including me. But the women in this business put themselves in a precarious position interacting with a wide spectrum of individuals and therefore human behavior. Those of us that are familiar with the inner dialogue of the mentally ill understand that the behavior the majority of us would dismiss passively can be perceived by an individual that fit a certain criteria as dismissive rejection which can be the mechanism that leads to destructive behavior. The point of the post is that those interactions will be, the vast majority of time, benign. But given the circumstances of their profession, it isn’t the vast majority that they need to be concerned with, but the one individual that’s mentally ill. She should always, I repeat always, assume she is interacting with this individual. A word of advice here, no matter how much you think you know someone, you can’t be sure you really know anyone. That’s how you arrive at story lines that are so familiar to all of us “ but he was such a terrific guy” up to the point where he shoots up the Safeway.
As far as the question of reviews, she did not inquire whether I was a member of ter nor if I had any reviews. My references on the other hand are impeccable and were provided. Henceforth, she agreed to the date and time leaving only the location to be supplied in the e-mail I never received.  The explanation for my lack of reviews is that I haven’t done this very long nor have I been with many of the providers. The few I have been with, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank the reviewers of ter, have all been highly regarded women; Robin O’Reilly, Amanda Leigh, Nikki Irish, Juliet Monroe, Amber Reese, Emma Anderson etc…I didn’t feel that it would have added anything to the board to add to the numerous pages of glowing reviews of these providers. If, on the other hand, I thought a provider had precipitously changed from her descriptions in the reviews I certainly would have informed the community. Thankfully, this was never the case.  
By the way Textcat, you should be apologizing for the misrepresentation of your post as well as the spirit with which it was written.            

I agree that the idea a woman should be charming to be disarming is... unsettling.  If I suspect I'm dealing with someone who is potentially dangerous, I much prefer he loose his temper in an email or over the phone. I have no intention of tippy-toeing graciously around a lunatic. I don't want him to make it far enough to climb into my bed.

Any lady who has dealt with a malicious personality will tell you: don't respond. If you think he could be dangerous, don't answer an email and don't pick up the phone. He'll take any attention as an opportunity to further the situation.

In the case of a normal date being planned, dead silence isn't acceptable, you can always respond "I'm busy but will write shortly".  If you have a family and career it's hard to answer emails to gentlemen in privacy.

I book the occasional lady and they can be slow to respond but generally are communicative enough to let me know plans haven't changed. If I'm caught in a vortex of silence I might cancel the appointment for someone else.

However, gents are often guilty of the same.  Booking a date and dropping off the face of the earth. I don't know if there's a date, or if I should make other plans.  Often, when the communication is terrible, I might as well assume the date was never serious.

Firstly:

You have mis spelled my handle it is texcat.

Secondly:

Your assertion that I distorted tha content of your post is false and the request for an apology on that basis cannot be honored. I'll explain further.

This was a first time appointment. She has never met you and has no idea who you are apart from your references. Therefore your insistent implication that the customary wisdom of the hobby "just letting it go and moving on is the safest course" should be set aside as not the safest course is strikingly peculiar. I would have to say that it is a remarkable claim and so would require remarkable evidence to set that dictum aside. You have not presented any such remarkable evidence. You have no long record of association with the lady in question by which she should know that you are OK. You have only a claim of having seen some of the local stars of the business that is unverified by a review history.

A question: you imply that the "triggering" of a dangerous individual by nonresponse is somehow not safer. The alternative would be to communicate? Or to actually see the individual but "manage" the session somehow? What folly do you suggest?

At the very least your attitude reminds me of some of the amazingly manipulative and narcissistic clients that some lady friends have complained about to me. At the most as stated in my previous post it sounds like a plausibly deniable threat. I didn't distort your post in the least, I provided a interpretation of your post. This rejoinder is reinforcing that possible interpretation as a likely one.

Thirdly:

I will admit to being grouchy when posting and chose to be a bit edgy. My attitude was to be helpful but I chose a grouchy mode of expression. I tried to lighten it with a little jest at the end so that the intelligent reader would understand the irritation wasn't all THAT serious. I will therefore apologize for the tone but not the content of the post. Your rejoinder reinforces the negative impression I had formed.

Fourthly:

The phrase "let me guess, political consultant," is odd and incomprehensible.

In conclusion:

I apologize for my tone, only. I do not apologize for misrepresentation since there was none as I see it.

Any initial contact that is belligerent or you feel is inappropriate should be ignored. But my attempt here was not to address this situation. Ironically an individual that approaches you in this way is more than likely, beyond being an annoyance, harmless to your physical well being. Rather the individual I’m addressing will approach you with a smile on his face. I’m not sure when you state that silence isn’t acceptable in the planning stages of the process if you are referring to his initial attempts to contact you or whether you have already begun an ongoing dialogue. In the case of the former circumstance, you should not feel any obligation to respond to every e-mail you receive. Again this is not the situation that I was attempting to address here. The profile of the mentally ill or imbalanced individual that would present a danger to women in this business first need to feel a connection to the provider; in his mind represented by the correspondence prior to a date being made. Once the date is set on the other hand, you now have your finger on the trigger. Silence to the mentally healthy would be interpreted as simply rude or inconsiderate behavior; the trigger pulled, the gun empty. But for the mentally unstable, the silence more than likely would be interpreted, as I stated in my initial post, as a dismissive rejection; the trigger pulled and the increased possibility of ensuing destructive behavior to arise. That you state that silence is not acceptable during this point in the process is the procedure that I would counsel all the women in this business to adopt. Apologize any way you deem acceptable, tell him the truth, come up with a creative reason for not getting back in touch with him, but say something. Remember you more than likely will never interact with an individual of this nature, statistically speaking, but as the old adage says “better safe than sorry”.  

Oh, by the way, texcat, if you’re reading this, and given the personality traits you’ve exhibited so far in this discourse, I’d bet my bank account on it. The reference of “political consultant” that you found so incomprehensible to understand, should be, for anyone who lives in this city or for that matter has taken any interest in the political process in this country for the last 25 years, quite simple to comprehend. It was a reference to the practice in the modern political arena for opponents to take snippets or lines of opponent’s speeches or conversations with journalists and twisting them, placing them out of context for their own advantage or as you so adroitly put it providing your own interpretation of my post. Three hundred people have read the post with you being the only hard case. You must be the lone “enlightened one”, able to root out the hidden agendas of others that the rest of us can’t see. Possibly the rest of the board simply found it to be what it was, an attempt to offer some common sense advice to the women of the board. You on the other hand find it necessary to hurl invectives. To continue to do so after my second post leads me to believe that the “political consultant” reference isn’t the only idea you can’t comprehend. For my part this dialogue has ended, don’t expect a response to the reply that I know you will feel oh so compelled to craft.

I continue to disagree with your philosophy.


"The individual I’m addressing will approach you with a smile on his face....  Once the date is set on the other hand, you now have your finger on the trigger. But for the mentally unstable, the silence more than likely would be interpreted, as I stated in my initial post, as a dismissive rejection; the trigger pulled and the increased possibility of ensuing destructive behavior to arise."

If someone is mentally unstable, destructive behavior will arise regardless of my actions. They will interpret according to their need to act out, not reality.  I would prefer that trigger be pulled in the beginning of the interaction, I would invite him to loose his temper over so trivial a matter as not responding to his liking. Much better to have a man show his true colors, before I've let him into my physical presence. If he took my silence as a rejection and lost his temper, I'd be thrilled to have found out he was undesirable before we met. I certainly wouldn't be apologizing.

If I apologize to a man, it's because I felt I've done wrong, and I sincerely wish I had not.  I do not apologize out of fear. Almost all of us have come into contact with undesirable people, and the ladies have much better advice to offer than this.  Even when faced with a twisted mind, I'm not about to grovel to him. I will not cower.  No one should be expected to go through life submissively bowing their head to everyone they meet because he's a possible danger to life.  What an undignified life that would make.

"political consultant" was in this context of this poorly crafted run-on sentence..

"As I stated in my post, which you conveniently left out of your response, let me guess, political consultant, the vast majority of men would simply move on, including me."

by replying to _me_ in a post to another it looks like you are playing the political consultant game that you say you dislike. the assertion that i am "the only hard case" is not based on reactions from those readers but from their silences. political consultants are well known to misapply statistical reasoning in an effort to win a point.

there may be others who think as i do about your tone and demeanor, but why pile on? that would not be "politic".

i provided a mirror to the possible negative repercussions of your attitude and post, not invective.

you are taking this much too seriously which is also troubling. you seem to be bound on making an enemy and an opponent out of someone who merely pointed out negative interpretations supported by you unfortunately crafted IMO initial post.

really, reflect on your own role a bit. if you cannot see how the texts you have submitted to the board fully support a negative interpretation...? well.

it is only words on a computer screen to me. you can take my reaction to heart or not as you see fit. i do not judge _you_ but i do judge your self presentation on these pages as being problematic.



-- Modified on 1/4/2010 5:59:28 AM