...I read the post regarding ATF's and emotions, and was truly baffled by most of the posts/replies.

    Now, if you are just looking for sex, I can understand the reasoning, but many ladies and gentlemen seek a deeper connection, without an agenda.  

    Yes, I have a few one hour dates each month, but most of the gentlemen I entertain are looking for a connection of sorts; even for one night; drinks, dinner, etc.  I have had more than one gentleman caller tell me that he loves me, and I love them, as well.  Not the all consuming, leave your wife love, but a mutual understanding of what we share, and where we are at this point in our lives.

    I often exchange social e-mails with said friends, remember their birthdays, and send kudos when they achieve a goal they have strived for.  My inbox this week was filled with birthday wishes, and e-gift cards.  This would never happen if I did not make a true connection with the gentlemen I visit with.

   I can, and do appreciate the fact that many ladies, and gentlemen take it to the extreme, and blow through savings accounts, college funds, etc, but a wise woman, would not allow this to happen.  Do I like having a gentleman spoil me: absolutely, but not at the expense of his family.

   I truly think that we, as community should not berate those that have found happiness with one lady; be it short term, or long.

Hugs and Kisses,
Kelly

Every time I read one of your posts I think to myself this was well thought out and well written. You have raised the bar for others to follow.

Is this place like Match.com? I may be in the wrong place.

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And with or without an agenda, it is easy in this hobby world for feelings to naturally develop that can test those boundaries, especially (though not exclusively) for guys.  You may have everything working in a harmonious compartmentalization, one that provides both pleasing interactions for your gents, as well as provides you with the feeling that you are every bit the same caring person to those in this hobby as you are to those in your life outside.  But this IS different.  At it's core, it is still a transactional relationship.  And as long as funds are involved, that will be THE central defining aspect of each hobbyst-provider relationship IMO.  It clearly sounds like a connection of some kind is important to you, and I'd hazard to guess moreso perhaps than for a lot of ladies.  But the underlying reality is still there - which you clearly undestand, but which every guy who starts to "fall" for you may not.

So, I'm curious, how do you ensure the boundaries ARE properly maintained?  With a more personal touch, haven't you even occassionally found that this has unintentionally sent out a signal that was misinterpreted by a gent?  Have you ever had to stop seeing someone because you felt he was getting too attached?  It seems like these are situations that most ladies encounter, and that if anything you might encounter MORE if you have a very "personal" style.

Or, do you fundamentally think that concerns over boundaries are exaggerated, that even in this P4P world two adults can easily shape a different kind of "caring" relationship, one that rarely tests boundaries?

I guess a lot depends on where folks are in life.  If they are a "committed" hobbyst, perhaps this provides a natural barrier itself to pushing boundaries.  But people are at all different stages in their lives, and still looking for different things.  As a single guy who still eventually wants to find "the one" in life, for me, I can have many lady friends here, but deliberately choose not to stick with ladies who I could see myself liking "a little too much."  And I think many of the other replies, perhaps in different ways, also were expressing the importance of understanding the fundamental nature of the hobbyst-provider relationship (as long as $ is still involved).  That sometimes might come off as cynical, but I think for the most part, it's correct and healthy for folks (most often guys) to be reminded of the underlying reality.

Since the beginning of starting in this crazy world, I've always appreciated the connections. You don't feel intimacy with everyone, but when you do it's special! Most regulars I get excited to see because I know it'll be fun. We'll catch up on life and have a mutually satisfying time.  

We have special relationships that are as much about sex as a meshing of personalities. Does that mean that we would be compatible in a real relationship? Probably not. I am putting forth the polished, curated, and as close to perfection version of myself. Am I being fake? Hardly. I'm just exerting more effort than usual to be as pleasing, charming, and beautiful as I can possibly be for your sake. I do this outside of this "hobby" as well. Dates, special events, etc. But in essence, you are only seeing the good. And we all know that everyone is human. Good and bad exist within each of us. I'm full of faults. To profess love to someone who you've met and only learned about through paid appointments means you really know a small fraction of their lives and you've fallen in love with the idea of them.

Should you express appreciation for your ATF? Absolutely! Is appreciation telling them you love them and trying to move things to a different level? Definitely not and it is cause for a severing of relationships. I would never berate anyone for appreciating the intimate relationship they've built with an ATF, but I agree with everyone's sentiment that unless you're seeking to change the nature of your relationship completely, keep it to yourself. Enjoy everything this world can offer, but be realistic about what your relationships ultimately mean

First let me make an analogy with Match and our site- you be amused how goals of gentlemen here and there are united.

Before I become  an escort- I was  match .com for a while.( what a waste of time)

Having incredible memory I actually memorized some handles of those MATCH .com members who wanted to see me. But I never was going further then just emailing - as I fly there is something wrong. So never met them.

 May you imagine my amusement   that when I decided to become an escort  
 same men finally visited me and become paid lovers.

 I, of course, was able to recall those  handles ( lets say how to forget BoulderFun1? n. or as  
Foreveryours ..)
. I asked those my clients -

- Do you  remember me from Match .com
 
-Of course I do.
was the answer ..
 
-So why you was on match .com if you are married?

answer was -
 -I was looking for sex only

I asked
 -Why Match? Is not it is about .. Match and more
 answer was - there are free sex  and then, when I am ready to move to other woman
 I just tell her - I am not ready to settle down  and I move on to other woman.
Shared with me Match .com members who have found me here then.
 
As to paid or not paid love  
 
And abilities of man and women fall in love and have need for well balanced companionship.
(and why so many here said so many heart breaking words to this man who started feel a love to his woman he sees and haves her money)
 So here is just those displayed own damaged views
Seems as any woman for them who takes money not able feel love and return love
May be those judging by own wives.. who knows ..Some my freinds do admit - my wife NEVER would notice me should I be poor.
 Very sad actuyally. So please do not project on us, women that if we are not free that we can not return you love.
Those  who do projecting such are very unhappy not balanced people themselves. By some reasons  life circumstances, financial, cultural, social factors not being able to feel love to partner.
It is personality traits may be , may be impacts of lack of adequate education and experience with women , may be even mental illness which destroys personality traits - such as schizophrenia - may destroy person's evaluation himself toward to other people as well as to himself.
 So  then most normal of us  able to enjoy true connection and able to share and feel some sort of attachment  
 it is just humanly healthy.
 As to others I would not judge at all
 Simply I do not know them never met and never will meet keeping  my dates for over an hour to start.  
I would not see an hour man only and for safety reasons- those who do look services as on menu simply are not safe.
not to say not classy and not satisfying.
 There is enough true lovers and I hope to meet them more and more and more  
 Kiss you  

 

 


-- Modified on 3/7/2015 10:41:01 PM

Being the most eloquent poster on TER!
Show off!

Folks, she truly embodies this same class and charm in-person too (not to mention she is beautiful!)

Look, whatever floats your boat, I am so down. Barring children or animals, I probably at least want to watch. People are different. People like everything from being ridden like a pony to staring lovingly into each other's eyes. If whatever is right for the next guy over isn't right for you, at least you can always remember "meh, not my dick" and go back to treating your own the way it deserves. There are certainly plenty of opportunities here!

But let's be serious, sex is better when she's not rolling her eyes at you. Admitting that doesn't mean you need to transition over to match.com. I realize "connection" and "chemistry" and "feeling appreciated" aren't very manly terms (thank the patriarchy!), but I know that you know that I know that you know that you know it's better with a little extra spark ;-p

I genuinely care about many of my guys. I jokingly refer to them as "the boyfriends" or "the harem" because... Well, clearly I like my own thing. But just because I care about them as people, or just because I want the best for them, or even because I have felt genuinely proud to know some of them even in the small way that I do, that doesn't mean I want to be with them in any greater capacity than I already am. No. I want to watch and appreciate them for what they are... Just a "friend". Just another person to share another experience with that neither of us would be having if the other wasn't there. Is that mushy? Or is that making the most out of the short life we have to live?  

They don't say variety is the spice of life for nothin

I made a tread about such things to spark discussion....read below.  

Then in a prior thread I said the beauty of the game is women will actually accept money...when day to day you can't offer $$$ to random women.  

 
I'm just happy people are thinking about the game other than a board full of ISO, no shows, silly complaints & mini's. It was the same ole song for a while with no substance worth serious engagement

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-- Modified on 3/8/2015 8:46:12 AM

You're in the tire biz? And this is match.com redux? I'm really confused. Can you help?

-- Modified on 3/8/2015 6:02:07 AM

-- Modified on 3/8/2015 6:14:14 AM

I was a little surprised by the responses to my post as well.  I was thinking to myself are we all supposed to be robots or vulcans. But then I re-read my original post and I can see how people could assume that I was talking about romantic feelings.  The language I used, particularly the word attached didn't help.  

I am not in love with my ATF. That's not what I was referring to.  I was just looking to see if others thought it was normal/healthy to establish a friendship or connection with a provider that is meaningful.  For me its kind of ideal,  I am newly single, and this type of "arrangement" actually works best for me right now.  I'm not a socially awkward guy or anything like that.  I guess I feel like having sex with someone I connect with is like the best part of a relationship without all the additional baggage.  I think its what I need, at least for now.

...true fondness for a "friend". I find it enhances the physical experience to have somewhat of a background with each other.  
You can absolutely care for a lady friend without getting obsessed and going overboard. On the other hand, I don't begrudge the gent that wants his one or two hours of physical bliss without any added emotions or cerebral charges. The best thing about this little subculture is that there is someone/something for everyone. Play on. Play fair. And have fun. Kk

It seems like there is always a chance to end up with a broken heart if you risk putting your feelings on the line, whether that be in this world or in a more traditional way. I don't know if there is a higher chance here or not, but as long as he is aware of the risks then I don't why see why he shouldn't tell her how he feels. I'm presuming of course that he has thoguht this situation out and is sure of what he is feeling. If he has and being with her makes him happy, then it makes sense to keep seeing her on a regular basis and follow the advice that some gave to see her for extended engagements.  

I agree that there should be boundaries as well, but once in awhile you meet someone that you are willing to shift the boundaries for. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing if you've thought the situation out , the person feels the same way and you have good communication between the two of you. There are a lot of really successful men on here that got there by taking risks. Sometimes the thing we try for don't work out and we get a blow to our ego or a broken heart, but healthy, well-adjusted people get over it and keep trying. If this is a risk that horn dog is willing to make to be happy, then good for him.

Other than I hope no one else here is as paranoid a drama queen as you appear to be. I thought you were someone to learn from here. I guess you're just a mean board boy? Hope I'm wrong. Pm me and maybe we can sort this out? 😃

Btw I've not posted before last nite here in several days. Hardly "following you around" IMO. While you were making long lasting pals in MN and other great venues, I was watching and learning.  

Maybe you should stop thinking all here is always about you? Just a thought. 😑

-- Modified on 3/8/2015 8:57:07 AM

I had figured as much after seeing his um experience on the MN board. I had hoped he was someone to possibly emulate,but after seeing how quickly he made an *** of himself there I'm thinking otherwise........

You aren't 'man enough?' Is that what's really going on here? Please explain!

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Despite your early 70's transgressions while a member of the SFPD (blowing up Callahan's partner while he was just checking his mail was pretty fucked up), as you ended up in little exploded bits yourself, bygones and since you're new I'll help you out here.

Outing an alias is considered quite naughty indeed. Someone did it pretty recently, I forget who but I seem to remember he was a widely disliked BSU (I could be mistaken so don't quote me), and I think earned a 30 day timeout for the offense. I'm sure you know what a timeout is, but just in case: a timeout is what one gives a misbehaving child, the idea being that the child has some time to contemplate what he did and learn not to repeat the offense. Of course it only works with intelligent children; some of them just keep touching the stove and are eventually institutionalized.

-- Modified on 3/8/2015 2:04:35 PM

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ood for you!

I have a lady who I am quite fond of (actually there a few but one is just a little more special).   I have been seeing every 3-4 weeks for almost 3 years now.  She is quite an interesting person - she is mature for her age, professionally accomplished and smoking hot.  She pushes all the right buttons for me and I like her a lot, and I think that she likes me.  She makes me feel special in many ways and I consider us to be friends.

BUT, I respect her boundaries and try to be careful to not violate them.  I also have not "fallen" for her (except for 3 hours at a time ) and have no plans to blow-up my life over her.  I thoroughly enjoy our visits.  I am blessed.

Pretty cool "hobby" this

Yes blowing up Harry's partner was um rather extreme. THAT said as surely yo recall Harry ended up banging the hot Asian babe. Do you think she was a um I hestiate she was a 'hooker?' Thanks again you're swell!!!

-- Modified on 3/8/2015 3:22:21 PM

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And imo let her take the lead on that (if she want to hang out when "time is up" etc). Don't ever come off as pushy or needy and some kind of friendship or connection past the envelope could work out pretty well.

-- Modified on 3/8/2015 6:24:49 PM

Absolutely, and the fact that Callahan gave zero fucks made him that much more awesome

"Going to?" I've lost count of how many threads he's had pulled!
 

I've been fortunate to find a lady with whom I really connect on many levels. We have become good friends over time, which certainly enriches our regular dates, both outside and behind closed doors. What makes it work is good communication and maintaining boundaries. The latter can take some effort, especially when daily life's knocks start one speculating, but it can be done and is well worth the effort. Others may seek different things, but my "attachment" with my ATF has certainly enriched my life.  


-- Modified on 3/9/2015 5:49:59 AM

I don't think anyone was nec. saying: cut off all your feelings in appts. We are all human. I think most of us feel something to some degree, but let's define our terms! It's not love.

It's your choice whether to say I love you to clients. I wouldn't do it, unless accidentally in the heat of passion -- and the one or two times that has happened, I have been profusely apologetic for the slip of the tongue. We both knew I didn't mean "love."  The day a client tells me he loves me is the day I no longer see that client. And I have a responsibility not to use the L word with my clients because love is not part of the contract.  

To me, love is a verb. Love is something you do, not just something you feel.

Now I did have a client who fell in love with me, or so he said. He stopped being a client, we took it to that level. I really loved him. For years.  If I could say something now that would stop one person from going there, where I went, I would. It was great at times, but on balance I don't have words for the depths of pain that relationship took me. It made me question everything about myself, and not in a good way. It made me feel like I wasn't worth the real thing -- like it was the best I could hope for. I caved, and gave up on what I believed in, and for what? To have his wife call me on Christmas Day and beg me to stop seeing him? To have his kids know? To have my family be disappointed in me? And in the end, what did it all mean? Where did it take me? How did I grow? What kind of woman did that make me?

How he could say he loved me and let me live through all that -- which I own, it was my choice -- well, to me that is not love. He knew it was not in my best interests.

I felt more dishonest in a day in the relationship than I ever felt in all my appointments put together. My appointments at least feel honest.  The day I ended it was the day I felt free -- like I was me again. True to myself, and true to people who mattered to me. Not having to lie anymore about something that meant EVERYTHING to me.

I know what love is, at least to me. Love means someone has your best interests at heart, and you have his. He gets you, flaws and all, and vice versa. He claims you as someone special in his life -- because there isn't another woman there in that place for him: you are IT. YOU are his Valentine. He doesn't think twice about holding your hand in public, or introducing you to a coworker you bump into. He is with you for birthdays, Christmas, New Years, funerals, and hospital stays. He wants you to love him back all the way. Love is huge and love is a responsibility, and it's sacred.  It's not something to be said lightly to someone you don't know inside and out, and trust, and who CAN'T give you back everything love demands, because he is married, or otherwise unavailable.  Love is not a smooth ride with a two-hour time limit.  It's LOT of work. It can be a huge pain in the butt. It can be very, very time-consuming, and it can hurt like hell.

So...I will take my love-less appointments any day. I am okay with "like." "Like" does not turn my world upside down. Like does not make me cry. But it still makes me happy. I'm okay with this not being love. That doesn't make me cold or less than a woman.  I've never been able to "compartmentalize" anything, but I do know the difference between "like" "lust" and "love."

Pretty funny when screening a request and realize that those married man... are on match.com and also on TER LOL ....
always makes me laugh. Like you.. I think it's a waste of time that site.  

 

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