Someone you've become close friends with passes away? I was his ATF, and had become personally a good friend. I know by some people's rules, perhaps, I shouldn't have gotten that close to him, but, upon learning (just this minute) of his passing, I am at a loss. I would very much like to know what happened. He was in pretty good health, fairly young.. I guess it may be in records eventually. He was dealing with intense/tough issues at home (mother passed away by stroke, wife sprung divorce on him and was trying to take his company/money. He was losing it, mentally, but always remained stable. I wish I could know what actually happened. His wife emailed me an hour ago & I was wondering how it was I hadn't heard from him since 4/12 or so- and we spoke several times per day. He was a very nice hobbyist, if that's what I should call him. A very nice guy. Anyone else ever been through this? Oh, & yes, I looked up the obituary records online. It is true. ...sigh...  Now, I've got to work today but ill be happy for some feedback. Should I say his handle(s) or keep it private? I'm not even a bit clear on protocol for this one... & ill bet there really isn't any. Thanks for 'listening'.

That his wife did not know before who I was. That most of the times we got together it was talking, dinner, etc and she had no access to his personal email account to write me (it was his private/hobbyist email as well) until what I can assume is investigation after his passing?

Some people do develop close relationships in this business, and that's OK.  To each is own..

There is no rules as to how close one should get to anyone. We can only make rules for ourselves, depending on what we are comfortable with and what we are looking for in the "hobby".

Sorry there is no rule book for this.  Do not out his name, but if you feel that the community would benefit from knowing his handle, then you may do so. You be the judge

Of course, i would absolutely never give his name! Thanks for the feedback, Curly.

Katy,
There's nothing wrong with building true friendships with clients. It happens with any service that you use regularly (ie hairdresser,  physician). It is part of what makes someone become my ATF. I have to enjoy more than just the business side of a lady (at least for me). Also as a businessman/woman it is what builds customer loyalty.  

As for making any sort of contact with his family I would say a huge "NO". Especially if the wife didn't know about you before and was trying to divorce him. Nothing good could come from that in my opinion. If you're not involved in this hobby you don't understand it and only think of the negative media driven stereotypes (ie streetwalkers, pimps, human trafficking). It would only serve to possibly tarnish his good name since he's not here to defend himself.  

Take care and sorry for your loss

Jd

We have a culture of isolation and cold heart behavior.
It need not be like this.  Yes we all should be looking out for each other.

Concerning the wife situation, well that adds complications.

Hey... Thx to all for the feedback. To clarify, again: I have not said anything to anyone in his life. His wife sent mean email notifying my of his passing in a brief, vague email from her email to my personal address which he'd had in his personal inbox/outbox. I did not respond and I will not ever contact anyone. Eventually I just hope to fin out via public record. It was odd to have her name in my mailbox, but I assume she has gained access to everything of his at this point. I still will not answer. Thanks again, folks. Somehow I think just chatting helps the weirdness and discomfort. I think it's tough and confusing when anyone you know at all goes. Thanks thanks thank

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

Yes, it has happened to me.  Many years of a silent close friendship with a married client.  The phone went dead and no response to emails. I gut wretchingly search online to find his obituary.  I think of him and speak of him often.  I mourned his death for a long time. I miss him very much.  This world lost a wonderful human being.

Jessi

Would that be possible?  Maybe she found out he was seeing escorts and somehow made him sent the email or he sent the email pretending to be his wife because he wanted to cut off the relationship he was having with you, or maybe he wanted a new identity in the hobby?  Pure speculations.

Several years ago, one of my ATF clients passed away. Actually, he was having a heart attack while we were together but neither one of us knew it. He said he wasn't feeling well all of a sudden and that he thought he would drive to the ER. There were not classic signs of a heart attack.  

The next day I got a phone call from another hobbyist who was a close friend of his. They belonged to a UTR group of guys who were close. He told me "B" has passed away of a heart attack. He was found pulled over to the side of the road. My heart sank because I knew that was right after he had left my in-call.  

I will say that it was a shock to me and it was a bit freaky to know that I had just seen him. I wanted so badly to mourn for him, perhaps go to the funeral, etc  but I also knew it wasn't the right thing to do.  

As someone has said in this thread, the hobby world is an isolated world. I am thankful that he had other hobbyist friends who were close to him. He even had in his arrangements for our mutual friend to be contacted if anything happened. I think that was a good thing. To his family, our mutual friend was just another guy he knew socially.   I would encourage all hobbyists and providers to find another hobby friend who could let a few select people know if something bad should happen, such as a death.  

I did mourn with his friends through phone calls and emails. I did not go to the funeral. There was not a reason to run the risk of being approached by a member of the family.  

I still think about him today and you will do the same with your ATF. Just remember him the way he was when you were with him and it will get you through.  

 Smooch!  

 Lea


-- Modified on 4/27/2013 8:57:45 PM

Having several recent deaths in my personal life, yes, mourning is appropriate. But, Katy, you should also celebrate his life, and the joy that you brought to him. You were obviously special to him and he enjoyed your company. So, relish the memories of the times you spent together and know that his life was richer for you being a part of it, even if it is something that only the two of you shared

Great post! It is exactly the way I look at my loss!

Lea

Hi Katy,

Typed you a long reply....and it got too personal so sent you a PM love.

Enjoyed speaking to you, Katy...but yeah, life is uncertain, so we have to treasure those who matter to us; your ATF departed too soon (a little older than me smh), but in sure that you brought some joy into his life, based on his review (-;

I'm glad, in reading your narrative, that I know you...and can sense your pain and sensitivity and empathy...for your friend, family situation, etc.  
I like the 'wife conspiracy theory...it could be classic, novel, high drama...and a book written by you about that 'theory' would probably be a success.  
I would suggest not involving yourself with the family, and putting his ter handle out there would not be real helpful...to any of us, as I see it.  
Consider...if you could hypothetically ask HIM, what you (his friend) should do under these circumstances...how would he respond and want you to do, other than what you have done, with your Discussion Board post. My suspicion is that you have expressed your grief in the forum you both know.