Hi all,
Some of you who have been around the board awhile, may remember me as I used to be an active participant. I have met some of you at Peanuts and exchanged e-mails with others.  Aviator's recent troubles have prompted me to rejoin the dialog, as I, for the past 4 months, have been "courting" a former TG escort.  This pursuit has led me to walk out of my marriage(long overdue anyway), and to stop seeing escorts(kinda ironic now that I am officially unattatched-although I am actually more attached emotionally than I was when I was married).

At any rate, we met during her brief time as an escort and we hit it off immediately.  We spent a lot of time off the clock, even staying overnight together several times (try explaining that one to your wife!).  Last year, after sending her a very personalized valentine, I cut off all contact with her and rededicated myself to trying to save my marriage.  It pained me considerably to walk away from her.  It was also not the kindest of ways to go about things.  Although my marriage was already doomed, I am sure the fact that I had met, and fallen for, this Tgirl contributed to its final demise.  

She showed me a level of tenderness between two people that I didn't know was possible.  She gave me hope.  Blind, unknowing, but deeply felt hope.  Her beautiful face, her tender kiss, her gentle touch, her glowing smile, the bright way she looked at me, the sweet scent of her skin never left my thoughts for a single day (Jesus, I sound like a bad romance writer-but I don't take any of it back).

Finally, on New Years Eve, I called her.  When I told her my name, she asked if I was the one who had sent her the Valentine.  When I said I was, the conversation got very warm and loving.  It was as if I had seen her only yesterday.  It was all still there, the feeling that flowed so easily between us.  She never even mentioned my
disappearance.  We made plans to see each other the following week and when we did, it was a joyful reunion.  

I moved out on my own shortly thereafter, in order to open the way for the possibility of a serious relationship with her.  Since then we have been together in all kinds of contexts.  We have been to see movies, we have been out to eat, we have been to concerts, we have been to clubs, we have hung out at her place just goofing around, and, of course, we have had lots of sex.  Deeply satisfying, heartfelt lovemaking.  We treat each other with uncommon tenderness and there is a natural relaxing intimacy between us.  The kind where even silences communicate.  In short, I am head over heels in love with this girl and want her to be my wife.

However, I have been holding back from speaking aloud my feelings to her.  Although my actions speak volumes, my voice has been somewhat quiet.  I tell her how great she is all the time, but I have never told her that I
love her.  I have been married twice (once for 5 years and once for 17 years) and both times we met, declared our love, and got married almost before inhaling.  I know I am prone to this behavior; jumping in before minds, hearts and souls are given time to grow into each other.  

This time, I have opened my eyes and detected the likely disastrous outcome of my usual behaviour.  Although my heart yearns to tell her how much I love her, I know it is premature and that she would probably lose some respect for my intelligence were I to do so.  Despite my feelings, the fact is we are just barely getting to know each other.  We both have very busy lives.  She is going to school full time and working most evenings and weekends (she stopped escorting a year and a half ago).  I have a thriving career that keeps me busy constantly.  And I must spend a fair amount of time easing the transition for my 10 year old son as well as my ex.  As a result, we see each other only every other week or so.  She has dreams for her future and is actively following through on her plans to realize them.  I have every faith in her ability to succeed.  So, despite the intensity of my emotions, we are taking things casually and slowly.  So far, time has served to deepen the bond between us, and I have faith that it will continue to do so.

My belief in our future together has driven me to risk everything for an uncertain outcome.  She is illegal and may have to move back to Mexico to fulfill her career ambitions.  We go for long periods of not seeing each other (at least they seem long to me) interrupted by exquisite moments of togetherness.

Despite the satisfying thrills of the challenge, I occasionally suffer from bouts of deeply painful doubt and hopelessness.  But these pass quickly.  Indeed, my dogged pursuit of her, and her response to me, has imbued me with both self-confidence and an unshakable belief, deep in my soul, that I deserve someone as special and as beautiful as she is.

So, am I headed for a fearful fall or a lift to heaven on earth?  I honestly don't know myself.  But I do know that this is what life is really all about;  Going beyond your comfort zone and risking everything, lifting the veil to discover who you really are, and going after what's important to you, what you truly want.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.



     

-- Modified on 5/6/2005 2:26:35 PM

-- Modified on 5/6/2005 2:32:14 PM

I wish you the best. We all deserve happiness in our lives in any form that it may take. After having met you I feel that your desires are sincere and I have always admired your courage to face those desires. Hey what the heck...the last time you fell in love it lasted for the better part of seventeen years. Maybe this time you will get it right. Who knows? One thing for sure is that you will never know unless you try. Peace and happiness my friend.

Bracbra:

I bid you welcome as a Brother In Arms.

In the tenderness and true love you have shown for your beloved you speak even more eloquently than I about my love for Christy.

In our time together, we shared many if not all of the same concerns and issues that you are now grappling with.

Do however, learn from my example. In your post,
you mention that your beloved would "lose respect for your intelligence" were you to tell her that you love her. That, my brother, is a mistake. I told Christy that I loved her only when it suited ME... and though I told her I "loved" her, my selfish pre-occupation with my own life and refusal to let her into my life except when it suited ME gave her a very different message.

As a result, she ran.

My advice then: TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. Every day if possible. LET HER KNOW that come whatever may into your lives, whether it is an issue of yours or hers, you will face it bravely TOGETHER.

And above all, do what I didn't do. Don't be afraid to RISK ALL for the one you love.  Put your Trust in her and your Faith in that Higher Power and move resolutely forward TOGETHER.

Despite my commitment to "honor, courage, etc.",
when crunch time came in the relationship I FAILED, because I did not put my trust in her love for me and thus had neither faith nor confidence when I needed them most.

At this point, I don't know what the future holds. Christy and I are at least TALKING...
and after all this, that is a start. But, speaking only for myself, I badly need a re-education in what Love, Caring, Commitment,
and devotion to a true love are all about
before I do this again.

In all this, I am chastened and made much wiser for what I have experienced. My friend, thank you for sharing yours.

May your experience (and mine) be instructive for all out there.

Thank you graciously for sharing.

TA

Thanks for the encouraging words, wantats.  You are a true friend.  Your unflinching honesty about yourself, and your generosity in sharing it has been a real inspiration to me.    
Have fun in Vegas; I know you will cause fun just seems to follow you around.

Aviator,
I feel your pain, brother.  There is nothing more devastating than the loss of love,IMHO.

Something occured to me while reading your post.  Twice you lamented your failure to put your trust in Christy's love for you.  That is also the source of the doubt that sometimes creeps up on me.  I think, maybe, it originates in the fact that both relationships started out as client/provider.  Despite the fine quality of the feelings that pass between my lady friend and I, it seems that there is still, buried somewhere, the fear that maybe it is just the infamous GFE that I am receiving and not real feeling.

Now that I recognize it, I am going to quash that fear.  I believe in my heart of hearts, and have since our early days together, that no amount of acting can account for the caring way we treat each other.  My unconscious fears are, perhaps, more to the point when considering why I haven't told her I love her.

Thanks, Aviator.  Your feedback has already provided insight and inspiration.  I admire your courage and honesty.  Your concern about your ability to love proves that you are a caring person.  Please remember that each day you wake up.

Pain is ephemeral.  Don't be afraid of it.
Peace brother.

Are you sure the feelings are even remotely mutual?  You speak of risking everything for the lass and she speaks of furthering her career and possible relocation to Mexico.  Is money exchanged for her affection?  You emphasize how her beauty, her smell, and her smile all impact your emotions, but where is the permanency in those traits?  Everyone ages, has bad hair days, farts, and wakes in the morning with halitosis.  Perhaps you should wait a spell and locate a cluster of more enduring, less superficial qualities before professing love.  You mention taking things caually and slowly serves to deepen the bond between the two of you so why not keep steady with this new successful pattern and jettison your old unsuccessful pattern of charging fast and blind?

Your original post definitely hit home with me. In fact I'm a little jealous because it will be a few years before I can walk away from my marriage(long story not needed here).

But I wanted to chime in here brother just concure with TA's advice. It doesn't matter what the original terms of your relationship were, if you don't tell her how you feel, I can promise you that you will go through life with the shoulda coulda regrets. Even if she were to not respond to you as you have to her, I'll bet you'd heal from that quicker than living a life not knowing. And as TA says, not communicating is a sure way of making her go away.

Based upon what you described in your relationship with her, it sounds like your relationship is much more that you may give it credit. What's the worse than can happen? She says not now? So you stay together under the current terms and leave the door open for expanding the relationship.

Now I realize that this is easy for me to say because I'm not in your shoes. But go for it!

T20

-- Modified on 9/10/2006 5:04:38 PM

Put Fear Aside.....Take The Plunge.

You will never know unless you try.... and it is far better to lose having GIVEN ALL, rather than to hold back and let something precious and wonderful die on the vine for lack of nourishment.

I have your back......go forward bravely, my friend.

TA