I met a provider as a normal thing. I know it's said WAY too often, but we really did seem to hit it off. Amazingly so. I went on to see her, and only her, for several months. Spent about 20 grand, give or take. After a while, she tells me that she has such feelings for me that she can't take my money any more. She can't see me at her incall. She doesn't see me "in that way" anymore.
I had already developed feelings, which is why I saw her so often (twice a week minimum).

So we move on and "date". Civies. Goes on for months. I'm generous. Always offering spa days, nails, hair, tan, whatever. Because it makes her feel good, and that's all I want.
We also spent a lot of time together at my house. Movies, dinner in, dinner out...you know..."normal stuff".

From time to time there were arguments, as with any couple. Only these arguments included problems with her job. Sometimes she would be very open and call me before and after (and I was cool with that) and sometimes out of the blue she would be VERY evasive. She'd tell me she was suddenly embarrassed and would not tell me what was going on "to protect my feelings".
I did make it clear, multiple times, that the only thing that could hurt me was secrets....yet she did that and said it was for my own good.

So we argued enough to "take a break", I guess. For about two weeks. The entire time we are talking daily either through phone or an IM thing. I, thought things were in the working through phase. We get to the point to where we have dinner one night. "as friends". It goes well.

The next day on the phone she tells me that she has been seeing someone who has always been a friend..but she decided to take it to another level. She still "loves" me and considers me to be her best friend. She cries when she mentions or thinks of "losing" me. She says she is only testing the waters with him.

So I, thinking things were dead, had seen other providers (2). (after the "breakup" and before the dinner night) She's got a boyfriend...how can it matter? I was trying to get other thoughts into my head other than her. Frankly...I could not get aroused without thinking of her. This, I wanted to change.

Now she reads the reviews and is livid. How could I see them...they are so below me...yadda yadda.

So her suggestion...as of today...is that things should go back to where they were at the beginning. We had fun....lots of time together...and there was never an argument about anything. The "love" thing only complicated things.
Then...I said...you want me to go back to being a John and you're an escort? She went nuts. Told me I disrespected her. She hates the phrases.

Now she's moved on. Has a "boyfriend"...but says over and over again how he's not me. Doesn't know her as well...not as much fun....not as many laughs...whatever.

Now...while I miss her dearly even though she is in my life every day (calls, IMs)....
Is there ANY reason to see this gal again and pay her for the experience? Would doing so totally eradicate my self esteem?

Can people really be that cold? Or am I reading too much into it?

Please help....and be as harsh as you wanna be...LOL.

I'm just not sure what to do....LOL.

These type of relationships rarely work. Aim to have at least 5 or 6 ATF's who you'll visit regularly on a weekly or monthly rotation.

(Click link.)

Most of us have probably been there at one time or another.  And it's worse than being trapped in the friend zone because it tantalizes you with promises of something better that will never be yours.

Take what's left of your pride and move on to someone who is going to treat you with more respect.

And don't fall for her feigned indignation about you not respecting her.  That's exactly what she was doing to you while she was dating the other guy in secret and keeping you as an insurance policy.  It didn't work out with him, so now she's back.

Please don't take the bait and backslide again.  You could never, ever, have a healthy relationship with someone who behaves in that manner.

She clearly doesn't know what she wants, aside from wanting to have her cake and eat it too of course.  The question is what do you want, and if it's her do you have the patience for all the BS involved in pursuing her.

I think it's very possible to go from pay to play to play for free but I don't think you can go back to play for pay without some resentment on your part.  If she is willing to suggest it-regardless of what words she likes or dislikes-I have to think she is looking at the entire relationship far differently than you are.

If you take the P4P element away this whole thing sounds like junior high school...

Oh dear MessedUpInHead,

I hate to be so crass, but you're the statistic of the week - you've fallen-for-a-provider-and-can't-get-up.

What to say? Well, what do you expect? I'm sorry, but this relationship was doomed from the start. It was not built on mutual interests, a deepening friendship, a meeting of two equals, a solid commitment where both parties contributed equally; nope, we're talking provider-client dynamics all over the place where boundaries are violated left and right, material goods that succeed the pay-for-play dynamics, and the usual drama that goes along with this scenario.

The whole thing is silly, quite frankly. It's not even a relationship to think about twice. There's zero emotional maturity in it - it's just something flighty, based on sexual connection and low-calorie emotions that are dispersed into the atmosphere like the dying fizz from a diet Coke.

YES, people can be "that cold," particularly when they're craven and don't give a rat's ass. NO, there's no reason to see this "gal" again. It has nothing to do with self-esteem, just common sense. Harshly, and simply - don't make yourself into a helpless, blubbering idiot. Move on, forget about it, chalk it up to just another blip on your lifelong horizon and FORGET ABOUT DATING PROVIDERS. They are professional sex workers, not girlfriends or substitutes for emotionally significant people in your life. The fact that there still exists confusion over this in the minds of some people is what complicates things and gives this board some of its raison d'être.

Forget about her altogether, please,
The Love Goddess

You need to get on with your life WITHOUT her.  Whether you go the civie route and I wouldn't start seeing providers and fill your life with things you like to do outside the hobby....

"FORGET ABOUT DATING PROVIDERS."

 I would usually agree with that as far as someone dating a provider whom he met as a hobbyist ..then again nothing ventured nothing gained.. love sometimes overpowers any pains..
Seems she would have a trust issue with him no matter what if he was a previous hobbyist..maybe, maybe not, just my take and my often convoluted logic..
What about all the providers who don't tell their BFs they are providers?? They are certainly dating providers..
I would wager there are more than very many  providers who have a BF, who do not know their job skills .
I doubt very seriously that a majority of  providers care to spend time alone after the work week is done..
or I might be wrong ..but I think not..
So the next time you are at Dupont Circle and you see a pretty lady crossing the street tell her I don't care what you do for a living just let me take you to the movies..You never know where it might go...




 

I question the generality of your advice "FORGET ABOUT DATING PROVIDERS. They are professional sex workers, not girlfriends or substitutes for emotionally significant people in your life. The fact that there still exists confusion over this in the minds of some people is what complicates things and gives this board some of its raison d'être."

I think that may be a bit strong. Or, perhaps, I am just one of the confused. Time will tell.

Without going into all the details, I met my provider at a party two years ago. I became a client after she emailed me. The relationship has evolved slowly, but with no game playing that I have been able to detect. I am not a boyfriend, but I am in a gray area somewhere between client and boyfriend. I don't expect the relationship to go anywhere, but I am not willing to withdraw when she is giving every indication of increasing her commitment.

I may be delusional, but I like the young lady and have not detected any evasiveness or dishonesty on her part. I may end up as another statistic, but I intend to let the relationship progress and see what happens. (I am widowed so there is nothing that limits the relationship on my end. She is divorced. She met my stepchildren--both adults, incidentally--on a trip last weekend, and that seemed to go well although they don't know she is an escort. I don't think that is something they need to know. Since they know her only by her real name they are unlikely to accidentally discover she escorts.)

At the moment I'm not convinced that a relationship with emotional attachment is impossible with an escort. (She does have another profession in addition to being an escort which, if nothing else, helps when introducing her to my non-hobbying friends.)  

Even if there is no future to the relationship, my life has been enriched by what has happened so far. Sorry, but I'm going to take the risk of being hurt and (in the absence of any warning flags I can detect--other than her family, which I regard as dysfunctional) I'm going to ignore your advice to MessedUpInHead and see what happens.

I think that life is similar to white water rafting in any case. Occasionally you get to make a decision that matters. The rest of the time you are just going with the flow and trying to keep your head above water.

And I think I understand the difference between emotional fidelity and physical fidelity.

Mathesar

"it's just something flighty, based on sexual connection and low-calorie emotions that are dispersed into the atmosphere like the dying fizz from a diet Coke. "

Definite quote of the week! (And sound advice to boot...)

Ren'man

OK, I've read & reread the OP as well as all the comments.
Yes, you did disrespect her by using inflamitory terms.  
However, She is still in your life daily.  Neither of you has or can move on.

It's time for you to man up & make a decision.  What do you want?  Do you think there is any chance for the civie relationship?  I sense that you want to find out, or you'd not be continuing to accept her calls.  Am I correct?

NO, there's NO WAY to put the genie back in the bottle.  Either there's a LT civie relationship or there isn't.  I can not determine this.  Only the 2 of you can.  It is very rare for these situations to work out, but if you read back, I think we've hear ONE report that it has...  

NO, there's NO WAY to go back to a client/provider relationship.  If that's all that's left, break it off entirely.  

You both crossed the lines of client/provider...  you risked your heart.  If it's broken, then that's the price you pay.

BTW...  she's still playing with you...  keeping in contact (civie style) while she has a "BF".  She's working both sides of the street.  To get the answer you need, she must also choose.  You should not ALLOW her to continue to manipulate you...  and it's not fair to the BF either.

You 2 could start over, but not as client/provider but as BF/GF.  But not as long s she's already got a BF.  I would go further:  you must refuse her calls, must not see her.  You're just torturing yourself.
skb

I would bet he could have penned that phrase, along with his "milk of human kindness".

That's a phrase that will be etched in my mnd for some time LG.

As a verbivore, I thank you kindly.

If you are no longer paying her and you are seeing each other like any other couple, what's to worry about?

The money is the dividing line,
The Love Goddess

That's right, quadseasonal,

There ARE lots of providers with SO's, boyfriends, etc. And some of those people know, and some don't. But that's not the issue here. He met her in the line of duty, they crossed the line, and now he got dumped. I'm not saying all providers are callous and selfish; however, the relationship itself has less of a chance to endure if it has been built on a foundation of professional bricks with dollars attached.

And yep, trust is a biggie,
The Love Goddess

He  Spent about 20 grand  give or take and that is how he is different  from her boyfriend

I feel your pain.  I am sorry to see you there.  eom

I've experienced the joys of having "off the clock" relationships with three providers.  They were three of four gals I had seen more than once after becoming a hobbyist for three years.  The first never went anywhere - no problems.  The second was an on and off thing.  The third was an on and off thing.  The forth was an on and off thing.  Get the message?  These gals live a "live of lies" as one related to me.  Sex is such a sensitive personal issue.  Think about it, one of the first things guys/gals chat about when they meet is "What do you do?".  Lie or the night is probably over.  

I told a provider who had become an "close acquaintance",  I'll be the friend you don't have to lie to.  We discussed a platonic relationship, two separate relationships provider/hobbiest and good friends.  We could never figure out what our priority was.  I became a dumping ground for her problems.  I could only listen or she would get riled if I spoke up.

I counciled another as she establish herself in the business.  There is nothing that totally erases the stigma of their profession to the general public.  We did so much together that when she became successful she didn't know whether to collect from me.

Girls! I'll be the first to admit I support your ways so don't get down on me.  What I have noticed that most is the girls will "pull you in and push you back" on an emtional roller coaster that, if you let it, it will blow your mind.  They don't do it on purpose, it is just how their lifestyle is.

There is so much wisdom in the responses that I really don't know where to begin to thank all of you.

I get (now) the "life of lies" thing. We even talked about it more than once. SO amazing that the EXACT same things have happened to others.
It really is a roller coaster. The "pull you in and push you back" example is PERFECT!!!
Couldn't see it happening at the time...but it all makes sense now. Even the small subtle things that happened.
I made the mistake of thinking that she could draw the line and know when to stop lying or game playing. I was wrong. Nobody's "fault" I guess...it is what it is.

I protected myself from falling back into it though. After one last blowup from her when she mistakenly assumed I was going to see a provider (and she has a boyfriend, remember) I sent her an email thanking her for the good times, wishing her well, telling her she was part of my past and not my future, and politely asking her to respect my wishes and not contact me again for any reason. I have no doubt that she won't.

So now it's time to move on. Wish I could do it as easily as she did. Not sure if that makes me weak...or a better person because the things I said, I meant. Guess time will tell.

Thank you all again for your wise advice. There really is no "going back"...and to attempt to do so would have proven even more painful (for one of us at least...LOL).
So it's time for me to get back to sport f'ing (as soon as she is clearly out of my head) and NO country or love songs for right now. ROFL.

MUIH,

I hope my perspective helped you as it seems it did.  It can be very hard to determine which is an Oscar-winning GFE performance or a very nice gal who just happens to be a provider and on the rare occasion just happens to be attracted to a guy who just happens to be a hobbyist.  Remember these girls are just like the rest of us inside and may just find an interest in a person they meet through their job.  Go girls - we "love" you all!!!

"Remember these girls are just like the rest of us inside and may just find an interest in a person they meet through their job."

Be very very careful with this kind of thinking. I say this only because you and I appear to play in the same sandbox (area-wise). The odds are very good that you will have an appointment with the person in question. That's all I can, or should, say.

All I can say is yes...you are ABSOLUTELY right when you say "It can be very hard to determine which is an Oscar-winning GFE performance".
My point is that sometimes, the gal can get caught up in it and isn't sure either. But true colors come out over time...and someone usually gets taken along for the ride.

We should all remember that it's not "real", even if they say they "love" you. The lifestyle and "life of lies" simply prevents it.

I would not guarentee that even with a new BF that she won't try to make contact again...  but her messed up head won't change & the cycle will just repeat.  
There is no going back...  
skb

Don't be a pawn in anybody's hand, never, ever.

You can't please anyone all the time so, best thing to do is "Live your life".