A former provider going back to 'work'?

Lg, I know a young lady(very close to me)who isn't providing any longer. It's been that way for about 5 months. She has had two relationships. Me being one of those. We saw each other on a professional level for over a year and some after her decision to end that career. She hasn't ANY regrets with that decision. She and I are incredibly serious. She WANTS to be more to me. I want her to be more to me. She is 26 years my junior. I was married once to a women(used loosely here)14 years my junior. She simply used me to put her through school. Then she ran out the door.

My question is a two part:

What are the chances that my CHOICES for romantic interests are warped?LOL History repeats itself you know. Do I need to make different/better choices?

What are the chances of my 'intended' wishing to return to 'work'?

As mrfisher is my witness(HAHA), I don't really wish to make the same 'age appropriate' mistake again.

Am I over-engineering??



OSP. Stricken with the 'Love potion #9'.

As you can see, I reframed the question to reflect what I think might be the real challenge- the age difference rather than the fact that she used to be a provider.  But this is 100% dependent on the two people involved.

Is this woman mature and stable?  Do you meet the other typical requirements for compatibility, such as shared interests, or is she going to want to go dancing while your tired ass just wants to sit on the couch?   I once had that exact problem when I dated a woman just 12 years younger than me- she ran me ragged.  These things are more important than her former occupation from my experience.  

As for the age, I knew  woman that had a successful relationship with a man 30 years older than her.  They never married, but they stayed together for at least 12 years before I lost contact.  But she had the maturity and stability to make such a relationship work, even though she was only about 35 when they started dating.

So that's my answer to a question for which there is no real answer.

Dear OldSP,

My question is, why the icon with the downturned mouth? What is that all about? You are obviously attached to someone and she to you. So why the negativity in there? If you are "stricken with Love Potion #9," shouldn't there be a happy face to go with it? Or?

Your questions cannot be answered without taking a lengthy history from both parties involved. You are describing her two relationships and one of yours. To base anything conclusive on three relationships total between two people would just be foolish.

I would worry more that your misgivings - if that's what the sour-faced icon means - will influence your current situation more than your past history. If you are as serious as you claim to be but seemingly have trust issues (or whatever this icon is supposed to represent), then it stands to reason that those issues will come up in your interactions with one another.

As to "different/better choices," I'm curious as to what they would be. Because someone can look great on paper, appropriate to a hilt, and then turn out to be an absolute dud. And that goes for both men and women. As to your "intended" wishing to return to work, well, if she is being financially supported in the style to which she has grown accustomed, why should she want to? Or if she has a good job now and can make it on whatever she makes, why should she want to do something that is illegal and stigmatized in society? On the other hand, if your relationship together will mean financial deprivation, then she is going to need to make up for it somehow. And some women may genuinely LIKE having sex with a variety of men for money daily/weekly/monthly; but wouldn't she have indicated that by now if that were the case?

I think there are other predictors that may make or break this relationship. Five months of being together in a non-remunerative relationship is not a very long time to decide upon something permanent. Having had TWO relationships in your lifetime doesn't confer a lot of experience on someone either. My advice in this regard is to take it VERY SLOWLY and get to know each other profoundly and deeply through those little daily interactions that finally reveal a person's character and intent.  That's generally what sensible people do, regardless of past history/work situation, etc.

Lastly, I wonder about the ages in the first place? How old are you, really? In your 80s? In your 50s? Is she 25 or 45? All those things play a part in it as well, particularly from an adult developmental standpoint. A woman of 25 is going to have completely different goals in life from a female who is middle-aged. A guy in his 50s will be very different from someone in his 70s.

Let her be more to you while you are more of yourself and see where it goes - I wish you the best of luck,
The Love Goddess

Every relationship is different. You shouldn't use the past to judge your new relationship, although you should be cautious too.

When you meet someone through this hobby and decide to turn it into a relationship, you run the risk of being taken advantaged of. On your side, you worry if she's using you only for financial support; while on her side, she worries if you're using her for free sex / good times and drop her when you're finished.

Well, if you chose to be in a civie relationship, you definitely won't be running into this dilemma. However, each provider is different and each relationship is different. Use good judgment to tell if she's into you for real or not. Only time can tell.

And the chances of her returning to work? I'd say they are pretty high, BUT there are just as many girls who have successfully quit the job and returned to their normal lives as well. It really depends on the girl and what other goals she has in life.

Very straightfoward - if she's worth it, take the chance. If you're too afraid of getting hurt again, don't do it.

Do I worry about the age difference? Yes. Am I going to let those worries destroy the relationship? No.

Do the statistics matter? No. Statistics tell you about populations, not individuals.

I think G2 was right about the difference in energy levels. Do I have the energy to keep up with her? Yes, for short periods of time. That might not be true if we were living together.

No relationship comes with a guarantee. My late wife (who was 10 years older than I am) died of cancer after 31 years together. I was devastated, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. My current relationship with this woman won’t last 31 years (according to the actuarial tables I can only expect to live another 11 years or so), but I care deeply for her and I intend to make the most of our time together however long or short that time may be.

The age difference has mattered when it comes to music. The Kingston Trio was big when I was a young adult. For her it was the Nine Inch Nails. I had to order THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL from Amazon.com in order to overcome my ignorance. May nothing larger separate us!

My stepdaughter and stepson were horrified by the age difference when they met the lady (although they thought she was very nice). Fortunately, they were too polite to say so at the time. Incidentally, my stepchildren (both adults in their mid-forties) are very conservative and do NOT know the lady is a provider. Fortunately, they have come to accept (or at least tolerate) the relationship, but only after I made it clear that if they were drawing a line in the sand I was stepping across it to stand with this woman.

Other than my stepchildren my friends have been very supportive of the relationship.

I don’t know what you will decide, but as for me I am going to follow the advice that LG gave you, “Let her be more to you while you are more of yourself and see where it goes.” I’m not going to worry too much about the long run right now. In any case John Maynard Keynes said, “In the long run we are all dead.”

OSP,
There are chances...  I don't know what the "odds are"...  you have taken the first step on a journey.  How long or short depends on the participants.  Without a doubt, I would go slow, take one step at a time, but I would take the next step.  Life is too short to have regrets & you will if you do not allow this to proceed.

Do not give away the family silver just yet...  If it gets that far, you might need a prenup.  I sense you are at the "moving in together" stage.  You would be right to discuss her & your financial needs & expectations.  

Her past & your hobby are no one else's business...   keep it that way.

Best Wishes,
skb

Many times, the more powerful relationships we have are based on our partner's ability to draw out of us some aspect of our personality which is buried in our subconscious. The relationship can seem mystically powerful, like you've known the other person in another lifetime, etc.

The negative aspect of this kind of attraction is that once the partner has performed their psychological function and helped us get that aspect of our personality uncovered (individuated in Jungian terminology), then the basis for the initial attraction can fade and the relationship can fall apart if there's nothing else there to replace it.

If one partner gets what they need and leaves the relationship while the other partner is still dependent, that can be devastating so try to remain aware of what's going on in the relationship. That doesn't mean analyzing everything until there's no mystery left, just thinking with both heads as much as possible.

Good luck!!

for years.....et al.LOL

She isn't a real big people person. The average youthful activities....dancing.....partying etc... aren't her thing. She loves ROMANCE. That's ME. The only activity she wears me out with is SHOPPING. Go figure. I don't like to hear her haggling(with cleks)concerning 'overpricing'LOL. I give her some debit cards and turn her loose. She doesn't even use it all. And even spends some on me.

That 'stage' is scheduled for this week.

SHE OFFERED to sign a prenup. I didn't bring it up. I've got nothin to 'nup'LOL IMO.

She will finish school real soon. Sociology.

Thanks for the additional information...  

I see more Green flags than Red...  Everything seem to be resolving itself satisfactorily.  You should not be so suspicious that a chance at Love passes you by.  Your eyes are open...  going forward...  

Best of Luck to you,
skb

I've been married to a woman 16 years younger that myself, for 6 years. No regrets, on my part, and I've had no reports of regrets on her's, we've had some struggles, but neither of us have threatened to leave. We very much are two different people, but we allow each other to be so. That's what makes it work. So often, during courtship, we consciously and unconsciously become something the other person is searching for, and not realizing we've left our true selves behind, and vice versa. This fits in with what Wormwood was saying, but it can also have to do with fulfilling one's dreams for themselves. Once, the deal is done and the energy required to be something we're not diminishes, then both people are stuck with deciding if they are left with something they can live with.

Be yourself as much as you can consciously be, and let her know you are hoping she is doing the same, and good luck.

I'll join the consensus here -- take a chance on love, but keep your eyes open.  The age difference can be exciting and expanding, but it also can become a real obstacle.  Love, especially at first, is the easiest part and it's enchanting.  But after a while age can become a barrier -- my father married a lovely woman 20 years younger, she in her late 20s, my stepmother.  For about 12 years they had a great love marriage, and a son they doted on, but the age difference asserted itself in many ways, not just sex.  In the things they wanted to do together and separately, mutual friends, things in common and more, and those differences slowly eroded their relationship.  
So talk, be frank, explore with your partner, and ask yourselves what you might see, or want to see, five or ten years down the line, and especially if children might be involved.  
Good luck!

Hate to sound like a skeptic and a cynic...BUT.
Been there done that, and yes I was warned, just be CAUTIOUS is all I am saying. Think with the big head, not the little one. My situation was a bit different, she was not a provider. Although IMHO its all the more reason to be careful. I know I will get some chit for this...but be honest, "nothing for nothing" it is all about the "envelope". No matter how either of you look at it.

servant lives" is what W.B. Yeats said. I have been captive of beauty all my life. Though the greenest fruit is the bitterest; it is also the tastest.

Like Mathesar, I soon discover though, music and movies becomes the discerning difference, if I want to extend my relationship beyond physical affection and breakfast. What can I say? I am shallow.

says: " I am not saying she is golddigger, but she take my money when I'm in need".

-- Modified on 3/31/2010 7:59:48 AM

Youthified????

They say you're as old as you feel.
I work too stinking hard(pressure)to youthify.LOL

Go for it. Admin. may dislike the work involved but i'm game.

... what you catch for fish depends on where you are fishing and what you use for bait.

is what an optimist calls a realist.

I'm only 50 and they're sprinting the other way! Good for you!

Great attitude on the question. It is all about the chemistry between the two partners.

Interesting concept. I have a very close friend who uses that to fend off those that call her a pessimist, however, why is it that everything out of her mouth is negative? Does being a realist mean you see the world from a very negative point of view all the time?