Let me tell you my story.

I've always been careful about not crossing the line with any man I meet thru the business.

And, I've always been careful about separating the two lives I have - the one created for business and the one that is the real me.

Few months ago, I did cross the line with one of my clients.

First time we saw each other, it was a client/provider thing and I did act with him like I do with any other of my clients. I am not a FS girl, our session was limited, no sex involved, but it was simply wonderful.

A month or so later, he contacted me again and I was so smitten with him, I did let my guard down and not only we had sex but I also kept him overnight and refused any money the next morning, because I didn't want to spoil what happened between us.

After that wonderful night, we started to see each other often, he would come over after I was done working and we would spend the most incredible nights together.

I never talked about my working days and he didn't asked any questions. I didn't think I should talk about what I've done with other men and I was thankful that he didn't care to know about it.

Since the first night we spent together, I decided not to have sex with anyone else. Not that it was a tough decision or something that would affect my business because I didn't offer FS anyway. But still, I wanted to make our sort of relationship special and I didn't even let other guys touch me.

At that point of my decision, I didn't know if we were going to continue to see each other or not. Even not knowing about how things were going to develop between us, to me it didn't "feel" right when other guys tried to touch my body.

Everything was going well, we continued to see each other, until one day he vanished...overnight!
We talked online like we always did, we said goodbye to each other and I didn't hear or saw him again...he was just gone!

I went beserk, I was worried about him, wondering if he got struck by a car while riding his bike or got into a car accident or worse. I realized how little I knew about who he was and how to find out if he was ok. Because in this line of work we are always respecting clients privacy, I never asked him any personal questions that could help me to locate him.

That was in the end of August...I didn't hear from him until...tonight.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name lighting up on my messenger...I could not believe my eyes.

Then we talked, and talked and I found out WHY he disappeared. He was pissed at me.

I asked why he was pissed at me, what I have done to him to feel that way.

He said I lied and he lost the trust in me.

Lied? I recalled every moment I was with him and could not remember when or where I said any lies.

He did meet me as a provider, I told him about my life, I could not see where the lies came from.

He then told me about what he read on the boards (not TER but somewhere else), where some guys were talking about me and couple of them posted a review of our encounters.

One of the reviews was pretty graphic, describing things that I am sure didn't happen, but I kept quiet and didn't contest the review on that particular discussion because I didn't think was important. Many guys do embellish their accounts of what really happened, an ego thing, and I usually just play along because is their fantasy. Also, I didn't know if I did meet the guy because the handle was not of someone I did recognize. So, I just participated on the discussion without thinking whatever I said was going to come back to haunt me.

Actually, sometimes I do say things that I don't do, is to tease the guys and just for some board bantering fun, like everyone else sometimes do. I didn't think it could cause problems for me.

Anyway, he did read these posts and reviews and concluded that I was lying to him and having sex with other guys when, in reality, I was not.

That's why he disappeared, because (his words) I did "cheat" and didn't tell him the truth in his view.

How can I get him to understand the dynamics of working the boards? I told him I had two lives, the working one that is all over the boards with tons of reviews here and everywhere and the one he got to know, the real me.

I told him I didn't think was important to talk about what I did during the day, because I wanted to keep things separated and dedicate myself just to HIM when he was with me, nothing else was more important to me than enjoy our time together.

He's confused...and told me he doesn't know who to believe. I told him the truth and I never lied about anything, I just didn't discuss my working life with him because I didn't want to spoil the moment.

So, what should I do to make him believe me? Should I change the way I market myself to regain his trust or should I keep things the way it is and expect him to come around?

I believe he spent lots of time reading the boards and reviews since his disappearance so I am really confused and don't know what to do.

I cannot quit my job, he didn't ask me that and he told me he knew what I did but didn't know the extend of what it was.

I really care about him, and I miss having his body glued to mine all night. I tried to forget him after he was gone but tonight he did open my wounds again and I am bleeding inside I really want him to believe me.

Any suggestions?



-- Modified on 11/7/2007 9:39:45 PM

Dear Moisty Lips,
I have read your story carefully and all I can offer is my sympathies. You are in a business where there are so many occupational hazards and so many gray areas - including massive potential for misunderstanding, projection, paranoia, dysfunctional communication between parties - that to expect anything final and direct from this confused and disappointed man would be almost impossible.

This may seem harsh, but I would sincerely suggest that you stop asserting your innocence and back off - even if it hurts like hell. The more you profess, the more you verbalize, the more you engage, the more he will back off, most likely from fear of getting his feelings entangled in a situation which he perceives himself unable to manage.

Yes, you met him as a client. Here's an interesting piece of psychological info: most clients do not see themselves as CLIENTS. Funny, isn't it? Most men who visit sporadically with FBSM ladies or escorts don't see themselves as "johns" or "clients." They don't think of themselves in those terms. Most men - and I don't mean all, but MOST - see their hobbying as a separate issue, away from their "real life." The hobbying is either a fantasy experience, or a quick thing one does for release. Most men who are on the buying end of sex do NOT frequent this board, write reviews or remotely engage in analyzing their own behavior or anything having to do with prostitution. It's a thing they do to get off, get it over with, and go home to their regular lives.

Hence, when feelings and events from their sex buying activities spill over into their "regular" life, some men almost become paralyzed with fear. I would say that a minority take the step of becoming involved with the person they pay for anything sexual - meaning anything that gives them sexual release, from handjobs to S&M, to fetish sessions, to full coitus. This board, with its once-a-week scenario of "falling in love with a provider" is highly unusual and again, represents a minority. The majority of hobbyists don't really care, they only want to get their rocks off and go on with the day. So now that this man took the step of getting involved, imagine his frozen fear when he sees your name on boards, other men writing about you [doesn't matter what they write, they are OTHER MEN, that's the problem] and you being involved in an activity - providing some sort of sexual release for money - that he'd rather not think so much about. It's less about jealousy and more about the whole idea of getting involved with someone on the pay-for-play level. Just try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment and feel the fear, the rage, the confusion and the disappointment.

I believe it's not really about you, it's about him. He is probably blaming himself and asking himself why he let himself get involved...and that's what ends up hurting you, because he is going back and forth in his feelings. And vacillate he must, until he figures out what to do. And guess what - you can't make him. No one can.

So do not encourage anything. Stay back and see what happens. If he finally figures out what to do with his feelings, he will contact you. And at that point, you won't have to spend a minute asserting anything, because he will have decided that you as a real person are more important than what he reads on these fantasy review sites. But rather than sitting at home counting on it, I'd get over the first week of pain, and then PLEASE try to let him go in your soul. Clearly, you're not 90 years old, and he is not the last man in your life. And should he return - then that's fine too.

Yes, I know, it's harsh....but at least it's real. We all want the best for you...at least I do,

the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/7/2007 10:43:38 PM

The most cogent point being that this is all about him.

If he truly cared for you, he would have brought up and discussed the issues rather than take a powder on you.

LG:  I bet you are the tops at putting jigsaw puzzles together.  8o)

-- Modified on 11/8/2007 6:37:58 AM

And I decided not to change anything about myself to "win" him his trust back because I haven't done anything to lose it in the first place.

Also, made me understand that I cannot change his mind either, because it seems he is having a hard time accepting my truth.

What is bugging me is WHY he waited so long to get back to me and when he did was to kind confront me with the posts done on that particular board...place he found me months ago. Is he keeping a tab on what I am doing or posting?

Last time I saw or heard from him was in the first week of august...and he contact me this week, almost 3 months later?

I don't understand why he waited so long to tell me why he disappeared.

I've been a client of Moisty Lips, and I can say that she is as genuine of a provider that you'll ever find. So I'm sure that her account is accurate. Even if this guy is confused by the events, he has to take responsibility in getting involved with a provider. Ideally, a man who is open to emotional involvement with an escort, should have excellent ability to compartmentalize. Specifically, he should *emotionally* be able to separate sexual activity with clients from sexual activity with him. I believe that few men have this ability, which is why it's so difficult for provider's to be able to have relationships.

Moisty Lips -

You deserve loads of credit for your sincerity, your openness and your concern...

Let me try to give you a hobbyist's perspective, from one who's had a couple of serious relationships with providers...

Being a guy in love with a provider is hard work; no matter how much your lover says she cares for you, or loves you, there is always some element in the back of your mind that wonders if all she really cares about is the money, or whether she'll turn around and fall for another guy the way she fell for you.  It can be painful to read reviews...my ex-gf, for example, hated to kiss  - it's just the way she was, so we didn't do dfk - and then I'd read a review where some guy was saying what a great kisser she was.  Yikes!  

In the end, for a guy (or at least this guy) it takes immense discipline, faith and understanding to love and to accept love from a provider.  Eventually, I resolved it by realizing, in my mind, that I was making a choice -- a conscious, deliberate choice -- to love this woman and to accept her for who she was, and to accept it at face value when she told me that sex with other men was an act, and sex with me was for real.  

It doesn't surprise me that your guy got spooked, or that he took so long to do anything, or that he cut and ran instead of facing up to you.  It's just really, really hard to deal with it.  

Hope this is helpful.

-- Modified on 11/12/2007 6:42:33 AM

Dear Moisty Lips,

Time is going to be your best healing medicine.  Unfortunately, it works very slowly.  I think it is cruel for anyone to just "walk out" and feel it is fine without discussing it first.  As a hobbyist, I fell hard, very hard for a provider for the past 4-5 years (heck I stopped the hobby the past few years).  Unfortunately, she "betrayed" me this summer.  So I know how you feel.  Time is going to feel very slow.  You just need to move on.  If you are losing a lot of sleep, feeling depressed, do consider seeking medical help.

It took me almost 2 months to finally pick myself up.  I would say that was absolutely the 2 worst months of my life.  If you wish to chat about this, post back here, I'll contact you.

good luck.

I would have allowed for the possibility that he was unable to face the possibility of betrayal. He may also have been afraid that you would confirm to him his deepest fear. So rather than ask you about it he cut off contact until that situation changed. Now, I guess that could be viewed as confusion but somehow that seems an inadequate term.

   From the information presented, I would guess that he was in great pain. Often when people find themselves in a very painful situation they disconnect. This is true when they don't see a path to resolution.

   So yes, he was and is confused. Pure speculation of course but I bet he is going through a lot of other emotions.

-J

Since the guy in question reads the reviews and other boards here, there is a reasonable chance that he reads this board as well.

   If that is true I offer him this suggestion. Share your feelings with LG, if you are to conflicted to post send a PM. Getting an objective  professional opinion on what you are feeling and wrestling with, may help you clarify things and find closure sooner rather than later.

-J

My guess is that he likes you, but cannot accept what you do. He waited so long to contact you again because his desire for you finally overcame him. Maybe he was hoping that something could be different.

Finding the posts was the straw the broke the camel's back. You can try to explain all you want. He cannot trust you because he cannot accept what you do. It is easier for him to blame you (trust) than to blame himself.

IMHO: You should not get involved with him again until either: 1) He can really accept what you do; or 2) You retire.

Best wishes.

I just posted what I know find to be the "old falling for a provider/client" routine.  It happened/is happening to me now.  I posted the question here today and on the GD board yesterday.

So much of this discussion rang true.  I was just looking for some fun and some physical contact.  Had mostly really nice time with the ladies and a few wow that was amazing fun times too.  But then I met "Betty" and saw her again (see my post for the story).  I spent the next couple days after our second encounter mulling all of this over in my mind and found myself at her website looking at her photos.

I clicked on her reviews which I had previously read (and which lead me to make the call to her in the first place).  But when I read them now, I read them from a different perspective.  Now this was a good time gal but someone I cared about on an emotional level.  Quite gut wrenching.  

From another perspective when a provider tells a client something, anything complimentary or positive we wonder if it is part of the mystique a great provider provides or is it true (or both).  So when she tells you it is different with you it is hard to square in your heart even when the intellect knows the difference.

I know that sex and love are different but for most people sex is a manifestation of love and not something you do everyday with anyone (don't mean to sound as harsh as I am sure it will read).  ANd when you read about intimate acts being performed with someone other than you it is not so easy to digest and process.

For me I have decided that if I persue this relationship I will not read her reviews, hell I don't know the everyday ins and outs of previous lovers business lives, why hers?  Well they are written in graphic detail for all to see.  

I found it so incredible that the reviews that I had found so arousing and enticing just a few weeks ago were now making a twisted knot in my stomach.

So I have decided to meet Betty this weekend and take it one day at a time.  To not ask her about work unless she offers it.  I know that she provided when we met and I am not prepared at this moment to commit to her in a way that gives me the right to ask her to commit to me either. And I don't intellectually think that her committment to me means she has to quit her job.

But perhaps, in time things will progress in that direction.  I think one day at a time and see if the feeling that we both share grow, be honest with each other and take it from there.  Every relationship has its difficulties this one (if it develops into a real relationship)just has some new hurdles for me.  

There are so many ways couples show there love for one another that I hope I can see these things for what they truely mean as our relationship grows.  Time will tell...

Love can not exist in the hobby, the hobby kills it.

Casual sex for fun and profit and deep emotionally bonding love sex are opposites, they cannot occupy the same place.

The pain you are feeling is from the realization you cannot have both with a normal man, you wouldn't respect him for wanting to share you anyway.