Now that I have read you for several weeks, LG, there has been a question on my mind. Since you are a licensed sex therapist, I was wondering what you thought about the role that escorts provide in the sexual health of our culture. In other words, in your practice, under what circumstances would you advise a client to patronize providers? Obviously, your role here seems to indicate that you believe it is a good thing, despite it's general illegality.  I'm sure that there are plenty of therapists that would never advise anyone to visit a provider.

Dear Infomike,
The way I see it, your question relates more to my advice-giving role as a therapist, and less to my specific view of providers in society as a whole.

I try to do as little advising as possible and as much encouragement of the client to come to his/her own conclusions. When a client comes to me with an issue, we process it from a multitude of angles. It takes several sessions and we attempt to go very deeply into the person's psyche. There is rarely a purely physio-sexual matter which is the direct cause of a client's issues. If after much processing we were to find that to be the case, I might refer the client to a professional sex surrogate - although I must admit that I haven't had to do that yet. Of course, I practice in a major US city where people are fairly sexually savvy and their problems are more existential, rather than physio-mechanical. My client base consists of "high-functioning" individuals who have a garden variety of issues. I also haven't had any client with a diagnosed sexual aversion disorder per se, or any situation where a sex surrogate would be the most appropriate way to go.

In general, I believe that seeing a provider may not be the solution to psychotherapeutic problems for most clients. Just as I don't think going to Disneyland every day for months on end or eating tons of candy are good solutions to a child's problem. If anything, I view providers as part of 'luxury entertainment' in our society. For those who can afford it, seeing providers can provide excitement, phantasy and certainly release for the moment. And please note that I would NEVER advise anyone to see a street prostitute - that could be dangerous, unhealthy and not really help anyone, quite frankly.

Since it's so much fun, people generally find their way to providers without my help. Just like people find fine wines that cost a fortune, or they spend money on very expensive cars, watches or pricey homes. Would I advise my clients to do any of it? No, not really. I believe it is entirely possible to live a productive and interesting life without many luxuries at all. Let's remember that our society is relentlessly focused on always being on top financially, physically and emotionally. Being with providers can be part of that scenario. I am not saying it's wrong, but I am saying that it is possible to live a happy life without ever having an expensive watch, an expensive car, and yes, without seeing a provider. These are luxuries which to some people become "indispensables," for lack of a better term. And it is clearly up to my clients as to how they wish to spend their discretionary income, whether it's on providers or Porsches. If anything, I have found that people come to me because their belief in a more materialistic lifestyle has caused more problems than happiness. They seek a way to find meaning in their lives that comes from the inside, not from a service or an item that can be purchased. And yes, that includes providers as well.

Now for people who have a lack of touch and physical contact in their lives, for whatever reason, I have advised them to get therapeutic massages, or obtain pet animals and such. We also work on ways in which such people can extend their boundaries and include the possibility of meeting more people in general. Oftentimes, people who lack opportunities for physical contact have been chronically depressed and/or have character disorders which prevent them from engaging on a deeper level with other human beings. There might also be bereavement issues. In that case, no, I don't send a grieving widower to providers or sex surrogates. We work on constructing a new meaningful life that might include taking steps to meet new people in general. When someone has been bereft of their loved one, it's not so much the loss of sexual contact that is palpable, it's the entire relationship and the emotions that are missing. Sending someone to a provider in that case would not be productive.

Finally, I should say the "ideal" client [please apply term VERY loosely] who would be capable of engaging with providers, would be someone who is emotionally stable, able to observe boundaries, and perhaps just out to have some physical fun for the moment. Having paid sex, on either end, requires the capacity of letting go and seeing the encounter for what it is - and doing it in moderation. Such a person is rarely a client, at least not in my therapy room.

Hope that cleared things up somewhat
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 7/19/2006 9:25:09 AM

Moderation? Hmmmmm. Never thought of that. eom

-- Modified on 7/19/2006 9:57:24 AM

Interesting topic.  I was just thinking about it myself. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, in other words, being very "shy".  To make a long story short, I made it to my 40's having only had one girl friend, and that was just recently.  I don't feel sorry for myself about it.  I'm not depressed.  

Anyway, I've found that seeing providers is theraputic for me.  I find each encounter to be good practice at interacting on an intimate level.  I've been having fun too!  Any thoughts, Love Goddess?

Dear Love Goddess,

Very nice response. I can identify with your last paragraph about the "ideal" client. I am happily married and share a healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I also engage with providers occasionally. My view of sex is that it is a physical need much like food and water. Just like you feel like eating out for a change, I engage with providers for a change. Unofrtunately my wife would not understand this if I told her this...she would think I am going to a provider to fulfill some need that she is unable to satisfy. This is not true...I can live without going to providers... I go to them only for entertainment and not for love or such emotional needs. There are no emotions involved in this. It is just like watching a movie or as I mentioned earlier..eating out.
I think it is healthy to release sexual tensions occasionally and one need not feel guilty about this. I do not consider this as cheating my spouse. In fact... I perform better at home now, after engaging with providers.
Hats off to providers who do such a noble service... I wish society would recognize this service and give them a more respectable status.

Yes, titusman,

It's really great that you are having fun and that spending time with providers has enabled you to get out of your shell a little bit...as long as you understand that being with a provider is a limited approximation of what emotional intimacy is like when it's not a "for hire" situation. Remember that intimacy is just as much "taking in" as it is "putting out." Spending time with a provider may be beneficial in that it will provide positive attention and "intimacy" coming toward you in very small doses - entirely palatable for someone with a frail ego structure. A professional and capable provider will not "engulf" you with her feelings, nor will she "abandon" you, or put you in a "double bind." In some way, she is a good person to practice "coming and going" to. She's the "good, safe object" - there when you want her, gone when you want her to be. It's good for your internalization of a more solid ego structure and for just plain old self-confidence. As to a deeper intimacy which involves acceptance of emotional give-and-take, including taking some emotional risks, I'm afraid you'll have to wait for someone who will do it without remuneration by the hour. But in the meantime, do have fun practicing and building up some ego strength. Not to mention the wonderful sexual experiences and the sensual skills you're building while seeing these exquisite courtesans...

Just enjoy the thrill,
the Love Goddess

Would you consider it cheating if your wife sought an occassional visit to another man?

I agree with your words of praise to those who provide these wonderful services and I also agree that it would be nice if societal views about the hobby changed.  But SO relationships are two-way streets.  My guess is that you feel that you are not cheating because you love your wife dearly and your hobbying in no way impacts this love.  Understood.  But on some level you are cheating her out of open, full-disclosure honesty.  Again I don't judge but you admit that your wife would not understand your yearnings for extra sex. So you hide it.  I have a feeling she would think it is cheating.  Not piling on but I thought of Clinton's 'a BJ is not sex' defense when I read your post.  The male and the female SO on the sideline often define terms quite differently.

   

Thanks, LG, for the great response, as always. Something that you have said several times seems to be the key concept. The word is "fun," as applied to sex. What separates you (and most of us here) from much of the rest of the world is that we see uninvolved sex as "fun" or a "hobby." The traditional/cultural understanding of sex is that it should be connected to a significant relationship.

To be very frank... I would certainly not mind it if my wife sought an occassional visit to another man. I am not a hypocrite. You may think it is easy for me to say it in words..but I know..I am true to myself.
I agree about not being honest completely...that is the reason I termed it as unfortunate.
Much before the British ruled India, prostitution was considered a sacred occupation and prostitutes were given a lot of respect in society. Visiting a prostitute was not considered as cheating the spouse (Of course, this was restricted to only Men visiting female prostitutes..there was no concept of male prostitution...so it was probably a bit hypocritical). If today's society had similar views, I would whole heartedly be truthful to my wife, knowing fully well that she would understand.

Monogamy (in the sense of only one partner and lots of complications in any change) is a relatively new invention. Many "primitive tribes" practice respected and respectable (in their culture) relationships with multiple and changing partners. Taken to the Judao-Christian culture the majority (I am guessing here) of the posters of this forum live in, we can thank the Catholic church for the stigma attached to providers although in scripture that I have read no stigma attaches to those that visit providers. And just for good measure remember that the power structure of the RC church make rules but do not play the game - officially anyway.
Recommended read: Holy Blood-Holy Grail by Baignet, Leigh and Lincoln (especially the last third).