Here is my story.  I am married with 3 children, well respected business owner in a small mid-western city.  I am new to this hobby as of November 2008.  I have never been with anyone else outside of our marriage of 18 years.  I jumped into this hobby with both feet and saw 6 providers since I started. All well reviewed priced at $300.00 or more.  Covers were used except for BBBJ with each one.  After having some symptoms for Chlamydia or Gonorrhea I went in to a STD clinic to get tested.  The initial on site result came back positive.  They are sending the urine sample in for further testing.  

I am absolutely terrified and angry.  How did the odds catch me after only 6 times?  Do I have to tell my wife (we have had unprotected sex during this time), because if so my marriage is over and my business is over as word will travel in this smaller community?  My wife has a yearly check up next week and may find out she has an STD then.  Is there any other way to get an STD that could be explained?  She has not been with any one else so that is not an option.  Can you catch an STD by any accidental or unknown means?  Help, this can't be happening to me.

Dear Saythere,

I can understand that you are terrified and angry. On the other hand, no one in modern times ever died from chlamydia or gonorrhea, so count your blessings. You are not saying which STI (sexually transmitted infection) you contracted. Let's assume it's chlamydia, since this runs rampant among women and is characterized as a "silent" infection - in other words, the provider may not have known that she herself was infected. Gonorrhea is transmitted when bacteria are present in body fluids. Someone giving oral sex can get a gonorrhea infection of the throat if his/her partner has gonorrhea.

As to "any other way to get an STD?" Hmm...they don't call them STD's for nothing. There is chlamydia pneumonia and even chlamydia psittaci (pneumonia caused by birds), but unless your lungs are impacted, you've got chlamydia trachomatis, the STD. Interestingly, chlamydia trachomatis can also manifest as an infection of the eye, none of which apply to your case, I'm afraid. You see this in children of developing countries and then it's called "trachoma." As for "the odds?" Well, this is a hobby that entails some risk. I have been hammering away this message ever since the inception of this board. And risk does involve some casualties, your case in point. My deepest regrets, but this is how it happens.

Now, as to telling your wife - this becomes an issue of ethical (moral) consideration. Of course you can wait until she has her check-up. On the other hand, her physician (believe it or not) may not necessarily screen her for STDs, particularly if she reports having been monogamous for the past X amount of years. In addition, chlamydia can be asymptomatic, so she may not know (for a while, at least) that she has become infected. From a loving, humane standpoint, you should tell her, so that she can take appropriate action in protecting her health and well-being. Chlamydia progresses and can render women sterile, in addition to all its other painful and psychologically demoralizing effects.

If you fear that this will destroy your marriage, then my advice is to enter into marriage counseling as soon as possible - with a compassionate therapist who doesn't take sides or make both parties feel worse than they already do. As to your business being over, well, that would be your wife's doing, since I doubt that you're the one to broadcast your condition all over town. And while chlamydia is a "notifiable condition" in terms of reporting cases [no names mentioned] to the CDC and other governmental agencies, workers in clinics are bound by confidentiality laws. Your marriage and business do not have to "be over" if you and your wife can overcome this issue through deep communication, forgiveness and emotional work with the help of a compassionate professional.

PS. One more thing - you may wish to inform the providers you have been consorting with. Yes, it's a difficult task, but it needs to be done, in order for them to seek help and to prevent further transmission. Again, I am very sorry that your forays into the commercial sex arena turned out this way, but at this point, containment supersedes personal feelings and trepidations.

Very difficult indeed,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 1/15/2009 9:26:32 AM

You're fucked.

if my SO contracted an STD knew it  got treated but kept it a secret from me , and I got it  found out and confronted him I would be just about ready to cut his balls off for NOT thinking of my health.. thats being a coward.

Oh and atthat point the marriage Would be over and I'd be ready to take you for everything you have. Remember  a woman scorned is nothing to take lightly.

In every dark moment there is an opportunity.  Doesn't make the painful parts of seizing that opportunity any less painful, but nevertheless, forces a choice and an opportunity that needed to be exercised anyway.

While I always had protected penetration and saw high end well reviewed ladies, I was self deceived and 'bullet proof' as far as the risks that many of us take and hope we won't get caught.  Sadly covered in penetration but uncovered for genital to genital grinding, camel sliding, etc is self deceiving.  And many of us (ie speaking for self) partake of these less safe acts once we become comfortable and complacent with hobbying and some of the well reviewed gals we see multiple visits.

When I got bad news... .went through the same fears you've expressed as well as general "I'm fucked" depression.  However over time, I realized there was a reason I strayed to the hobby and it was for me a broken marriage.  The opportunity there was the chance for me to decide whether I wanted to go to the effort of fixing the marriage or send it to the graveyard.

So in your case, you've got some soul searching to do.  If you've had unprotected sex with your wife, you can't run for long..... it will catch up with you.  Clear yourself up followed by sex with her and you've got it back again.

Time to decide whether to take your lumps and begin serious work on the marriage through counselling or take your lumps and end it.  I went to individual counselling first to help me through the deciding.

I feel your pain... good luck.

Why isn't it possible that she is having an affair and contracted the std and then passed it on to you?
If you had been innocent and found out you had an std, you would have confronted her right away.  
All it takes is one time for her to have unprotected sex with a civvie.....

and if her future income (alimony) will be dependent on the success of your business, she'd be a fool to air your laundry in public.

So part of your strategy whether trying counselling and preserve the marriage or in ending the marriage will to be to maximize her good will toward you.  

And honesty goes a long way there even though there will be initial anger and perhaps a period of irrationality.  Heed Nicole's warning carefully!

and how will That look in court to a judge...maybe even a Female judge.

Man cheats on his wife, And he gives her an STD Then he get Himself tested AND treated and never bothers to even think of her health.

Cheating and getting caught is bad enough. Never mind how it looks what the hell is wrong with you?  You don't deserve her loyalty if you don't think of her health knowing what you know now.

Sit her down and tell her the truth.

You should always practice safe sex..you are lucky it can be treated and it is possible that your wife had it passed it on to you and not known it...you need to be honest because she will find out...or you can explain to her that you have been having symptoms and ask if she has also then suggest you both get checked...wait for her reaction to the test results and that will let you know if she has been as honest with you as you have been with her.

Good Luck

...is a good offense.  You COULD try confronting her with righteous indignation and asking HER how YOU got whatever it is you have.  There IS a small chance that you didn't get it from a provider but that you DID get if from her.  Hard as it may be for you to admit, she MIGHT have been fooling around too!  

Just an option, and you are in extremis.
MVR

and if she has not been sexually active, he's severely damaged his chances of redeeming his relationship with his wife, or saving his business. The most, if not only, possibility of doing so is to follow LG's advice regarding getting help from a well-training therapist.

simply tell her you have symptoms, are sick with something, and are being treated. suggest she get checked out too. let her react and go from there.

you need to make sure her health is taken care of. you _may_ owe her a big explanation. possibly she owes you one. no way to say.

there is also no way to plan this out for you. you will have to improvise and feel your way through this. being manipulative and going on the attack is not prudent risk management. it is a high risk move that could leave nothing but scirched earth and ashes.

... but the poor bastard is down to a very few and equally unattractive options.  Groveling may be the best route. I was just suggesting one possibility.  
MVR

buy a juicer & crush up meds
(you have to make a big deal of being on a health kick or something)BE SURE SHE IS NOT ALLERGIC
How do you get the extra meds??
Tell your doc that she threw them out the window or something like that.
Hmmmmm. Call the doc's office & cancel her appt & have your wife re-sched. If you can, say the office called to try to change her appt. I know these are very sneaky, and a little absurd, but believe me it is not meant to make light of the situation.
if you decide to try any of these pm me & i will help you.

There's still a lot of uncertainty here, so my advice: keep quiet till you know everything.  Your onsite test at the STD clinic consisted of what, exactly?  Was a doctor involved in the onsite test or was it a lab tech (?)  

You sound like you're on the verge of panic, but I'm betting that you're a false positive.  Wait till your blood work comes back as well as your urine tests.  Here's what you've described: six acts of protected sex, no condom breaks; six BBBJs of which you were the recipient.   That sounds really low risk--just about everyone on this board has run those risks.  

 One more thing:  if you're into the hobby, you can't bang an SO without protection.  You just can't do it, so stop it.  Wear the condom, tell the SO you don't want to risk a pregnancy, whatever.  Hopefully good news is coming your way.   --z          

How many use a condom with SO? I have no way to explain it, my wife had her tubes tied years ago.

It's not like you can say, "Honey, I'd really like to spice up our love life by donning this condom!"

Mine is post menopause – same problem. But Zangari's advice is sage for those who can follow it.

First, Relax...this may be a false positive.  Most likely it is.  I remember in the Corp they tested us for everything under the sun and a few friends of mine tested positive with the screening test and were on pins and needles until they performed the more expensive definitive test.

2nd, if this is Chlamydia, count your blessings.  it could be alot worse.  You have had your kids etc.

3rd, invest in that juicer that someone suggested and tell your wife that you and her are starting a new diet.  Do some research and medicate the hell of her.

4th, if a Dr. determines she has an STD, create a scene and pack your bag and walk out repeatedly yelling "how could you!" and only agree to come back if there is marital counseling involved.  Remeber, you have never done anything with anyone else.  If she has been faithful as well this transmission may just make the Harvard Journal of Medicine.

Through all this remember one thing:  LIE LIKE HELL!  The truth will cost you $$$$.

So----You’ve made a choice to have sex outside of your marriage. You’ve continued to have unprotected sex with your wife. You believe you’ve picked up an STD. And you have to ask the question as to whether you need to tell her?!!

YES! Absolutely. Unequivocally.  If you test positive for an STD, you need to tell her. This is your wife. This is the mother of your children. You may not owe her honesty and open communication in your marriage. But you do owe her this. You owe not only her, but the community at large.  

From your post it sounds like you have every reason to believe your wife is not sneaking around too. But…hey, SO’s do things we don’t know about sometimes. Your behavior proves out that point. But, on the off chance that she introduced an STD to you, so what? IF she did, some STD’s can operate asymptomatically for some time and she may be unaware. In which case, you need to tell her so she can seek treatment AND tell whoever she might be fcking. So he can tell whomever he is fcking… ETCETERA…..

I can only imagine she will be angry and hurt. Anyone would be. And no doubt your marriage will be in peril. But I will echo SN here. If I found out my SO was having sex with someone else [without that having been openly discussed beforehand], I would be PISSED, and hurt and angry. But, many things depending, there still might be hope for reconciliation via some difficult communication. MAYBE.   As in, there would be ‘some chance’.

But if you were my husband and I found out you had betrayed my trust, chose to continue to have unprotected sex with me, tested positive for an STD, and then DID NOT TELL ME? Or even worse, tried to turn that back around and blame it on me? Game over baby. Not only would I divorce your sorry ass last tuesday, I would make it my mission to take you for everything you owned. The possibility of reconciliation or compromise would evaporate in a puff of smoke.

And on the off chance that the first test was a false-positive, after you breath a sigh of relief and thank whatever gods might care, should you choose to continue down this path you need to educate yourself so you are not asking questions like “Can you catch an STD by any accidental or unknown means?”

I am appalled by some of the responses here suggesting ways to avoid responsibility for this, or try to turn the tables and blame your wife, -----or try to treat her without her knowledge??!! Good grief.

You made an active choice. If the tests come back positive and you’ve been caught in the net, YOU need to grow a pair and deal with this like a grown up.

you have one out.tell your wife you took a dump at work during the process your penis was up against the inside of the toilet and ever sense you have had a problem down stairs.

One last thought...If you are going to come clean, wait until you recieve the results of the more definative blood test.  In the mean time start hiding your money now!  Remeber, marrigae is a crock of shit and all the laws are in her favor to begin with...Now just wait until the judge learns that you dassed on a STD.  Yes do the right thing but first HIDE YOUR MONEY!

-- Modified on 1/17/2009 3:39:25 PM

My People, my people,... let's talk for a minute about what you cannot ethically do in this situation:

1) You cannot falsely accuse your wife of sexual infidelity when you've been hobbying.  You cannot accuse her when you have NO evidence that she's been unfaithful.  

2)  You cannot medicate her on the sly--you might harm or kill her.  You don't know how meds will affect her.  And you don't know the right dosage.  The correct dosage for a 200 pound husband may not be the right dosage for his 110 pound wife.  

3) You cannot tell her you picked up an STD from a toilet.  

Here's what you can do: remain silent until your blood work and other tests come back and your doctor tells you where you are.
If you have an STD and you've been having unprotected sex with your wife, you must tell her.  --z

in sex ed in high school (maybe middle school now).....


YOU DON'T CATCH STD'S FROM A TOILET SEAT!

The vast majority of the logical responses seem to agree:

1.  Wait till confirmed
2.  Take responsibility and deal with it... no free outs in life unfortunately.... we choose our actions but don't get to choose the consequences!

...and maybe this is just more of it.  Meaning, is it possible that Saythere is really Pat Robertson on a Mormon mission to achieve repentance amongst the heathens?  Or maybe there's something Saythere's not telling us...like sheepherder's in Scotland...he has a certain proclivity for...shall we say...finer feathers?

I say somebody call the humane society.

BS

She has an "infection" and is waiting for the results...

a day or two later she gets the results...

and it's "e-coli".

Since we haven't had relations in a good long while, I know I'm not responsible...

and we never had anal (I wanted to try it, but she said FUCK YOU! and not in a nice way, I'll add)

So how did she get what she got?

Beats me... but I suspect...

Actually, MyNameIsTedAndOneDay (what an alias!),

E-coli bacteria can migrate from a woman's anal area up to the urethral/vaginal region where it's moist and warm - as opposed to the tight and chilly sphincterous environment, haha - and root itself in there, causing all sorts of bacterial infections, urethral being one of them. Not to get too personal, but I used to get them all the time...from sitting around in wet bathing suits, running around in miniskirts and insensible shoes on wintry days...anything that got the butt chilly gave me an UTI. Men had nothing to do with it. E-coli is a very common bacterium - eat a toxic hamburger and it could be your last bite ever.

So let's give the little lady the benefit of the doubt, shall we...
the Love Goddess

I think I LOVE the LOVE GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!1

Well, I suppose, however...

she doesn't swim
she doesn't wear miniskirts

and I'm curious just how chilly your butt can get in Beverly Hills... it's not like Boston or anything.

And since you commented,

My name is Ted... and one day... I'll be dead... Yo-Yo!

Still, it's possible that something, or someone, visited her backdoor, and then made an entrance in the front, just maybe?

possible yes, but not necessary at all!

let me tell you a little personal story. it is a bit graphic so squeamish folks stop here.

many years ago i was a near but not quite starving married graduate student who was getting persistent urinary infections. the old doc at student health "accused" me of anal sex with my wife and that really wansn't happening. (it doean't float by boat, YMMV and that's OK.)

one day i was in the shower and my spouse asked if it was OK for her to use the toilet since it was urgent. naturally nature cannot be denied so i said OK. i emerged from the shower to observe that her wiping technique was faulty. there were some forward strokes that could transport e-coli toward the vagina.

mystery solved. don't know why her mother never taught her these things but......

so there are innumerable transport mechanisms for e-coli. you needn't leap to the infidelity conclusion unless of course you believe it is in your interests to do so.

Actually, I don't think she's been having anal with another man.

Can't rule out the possibility that she's been having fun with toys, or even perhaps another woman.

My point is that there are numerous possibilities, and yes, bad wiping technique isn't one I had previously considered.  Wasn't that a topic in 5th grade "health class"?

as for being a 5th grade health topic, yes. even i knew better and _assumed_ she did so i never considered that as a possibility until i saw the carelessness with my own eyes.

why do you insist on it being toys or another woman even. it seems like you are invested in her denying anal vigorously to you but granting it to someone or something else.

my point is that there are so many ways to transport e-coli that your insistence on a man, a woman, or a toy is really unrealistic. it is like you want to make something out of it. i could be wrong, of course, but you seem to be set on arguing that it can't be an entirely innocent happenstance. why? (no need to answer me, just pose the question to yourself.)

I never really gave it much thought until this thread popped up.

She told me, and all I thought was, "Not my doing" as I hadn't been anywhere near the area for a very very long time.

*You're* angry? Imagine if you found out your wife slept with half a dozen men, how would you feel? Your wife is the one who will have a right to be angry. The bottom line is that you didn't man up and address the issues in your marriage before deciding it was OK to go screw other women. You acted in a selfish and cowardly manner, and now you need to man up and pay the price.

You should have addressed dissatisfaction with your sex life/marriage with your wife, and with the aid of a marriage counselor. Now you can do that after telling her you may have given her an STD. Yes, it sucks, but you took this risk for the sake of getting your rocks off. Hope it was worth it.

I have no moral objection to hobbying as a consenting activity between adults, but people who hobby in an attempt to secretly cheat on their wives are generally assholes, precisely because you risked your wife's health for the sake of your penis. Also because of that, she won't suffer less embarrassment in your small community than you will.

Worst of all, you have likely destroyed your marriage and thereby done an incredible disservice to your 3 children, who deserve to suffer for the sake of your penis even less than your wife did. Apparently their psychological well-being was less of a consideration than blowing your load too. Be a man and take your lumps, and do what you can to save your marriage. You've earned a good kick in the nuts, so enjoy.

Very true... I would rather someone respect me and love me enough to state the truth then to compound a situation with deception and deceit... good luck!

Yea, I'm Not Busted
Posted by Saythere  , 1/30/2009 11:52:37 AM  

Hey Love Goddess,

Just an update from a previous post a couple weeks ago.  It turns out the paper urine test was a false positive and the official results came back negative.  I am so relieved.  It was just such a coincidence that my symptom (sore testicle) and the false positive test all within a few months of starting this hobby. Thanks for your advise and thanks to those that sent me private messages of advise and concern.  

That's great news. Now stop cheating on your wife and fix your marriage instead of continuing to risk visiting disease and divorce on your family so you can bust a nut.

I am trying to quit this hobby but it has become very addicting.  Are you implying that all hobbyist are single unmarried men?

She(his wife) could have cheated on him and given him chlamydia. Of course i read that some thought it would be fine to go on the offense, but NOBODY REEEEEAAAAALLLY considered adultery on the behalf of the wife. I mean if we as escorts choose multiple routes of companionship, wouldn't a wife if things weren't hunky dory at home as did her husband?? Although this story had a happy ending, it's very telling of how we still view women.

Newsflash: We're Equal

-- Modified on 2/1/2009 1:11:50 AM

That is ridiculous. You can't break up meds. PERIOD! It does not work that way. The meds are designed to be taken as is.

Anyway if you decide to not be honest, it does not matter that he gets "cured," if she is infected, and unprotected sex continues (without disclosure), then he will be re-infected and the problem will continue.

Just google STD and the facts are there.

That is a serious red flag.

This is a tough thread.  I continue to read through this, and more opinions come out.  This is bad.  False positive = False hope.  Tests are very conclusive at 90% (if not more) reliable.

Don't believe you have a false positive, and AT THE SAME TIME, your SO is having an affair, AND got an STD.  This is a long shot.

A MD in the field of STD would say that seeing a provider is a "high risk activity."  Making the SO gave it to you theory very remote.

CDC says, re-infection between partners is a major problem with STDs. So you have to address this.

Sorry.  Bad News.

It is not the wife -- we all know that. shishisuar, looking good!