A provider, with whom I have shared some very intense and memorable experiences, has been requesting assistance with some of her personal matters, which has included a request for financial help.  To date, I have assisted her with advice and information, which she claims has been very helpful, but I have not crossed the boundary of lending her money, giving her a loan or co-signing a loan for her.  Would love to know your perspective on this issue?

Well, realize that if you lend her money you are, in essence, giving it to her.  You will most likely never see it again. If that is OK with you then go for it. I don't understand why the two of you wouldn't be willing to simply "take it out in trade".

As far as co-signing a loan, I would advise against it. Blood relatives screw each other over every day when it comes to things like this. Why on earth would you trust a woman who is, for all intents, a total stranger to you.

Honestly, one of my ATF's has had her share of financial problems over the last year or so. She has never asked me for money. In fact, she still gives me a discount on our appointments. I have no idea what your lady's situation is but the whole idea of her asking a customer for money is a bit off-putting for me.

-- Modified on 7/28/2008 4:45:12 AM

just ask any divorce lawyer.

So, what to do?

Do as I say and don't go there, or do as I do and help the poor gal.

Just remember, it's just a gift and you won't be seeing it again.

If it makes you resentful, then avoid it.  If it makes you feel good about yourself, and you can swing it financially, then what the hell.

Two ATF's of mine.. at the time.. both told me about a particular problem they were having.  One who was local to me needed $$ to help with her divorce, so OK I up front the money with a promise of future reward..never heard from her again.  I had seen her four times previously.

OK fool me once, then my absolute ATF has a need.  She had been traveling to NJ for a couple of years, I had even taken her to the doctors here off clock because of migraines and helped her save money between hotels by driving her.  We had seen each other at least ten times, many sessions going past allotted time.  We even talked about a civvie relationship after she retired at one point.  Well, she's hurting for $$.  I send some and arrange some computer work at home so she can get added $$.  Poof, disappears.

It will not happen again.  I know it shouldn't have happened twice.  It's why I'm not the wealthiest guy around.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:48:42 AM

They don't call it beholden for nothing. If you really want to help this girl, keep doing exactly what you are doing, which is offer her advice and information.

Oftentimes when we as individuals want to help someone, it's easier to give a handout. But according to the levels of tzedaka (charity and justice in Judaism, levels listed in the Shulhan Aruch, book of religious laws), the best thing you can ever do for someone is to PREVENT them from asking for help. And the way to do that is to give freely of advice and information so that the individual can grow in his or her capacity to lead a productive life.

Now that's the philosophical argument, I guess. The every-day, common sense issue is that you already have a monetary relationship with her and that you should not cross those boundaries. And, since your activity together is branded by the authorities as criminal, and she is in a risk category of illegal professions, I would stay away from such agreements.

The emotional aspect of all this is that you may feel taken advantage of if she all of a sudden dumps you as a client, moves away, gets sick and can't pay it back, or a zillion other scenarios that can happen. She is not your daughter or wife, she's someone you contract with to have sex on a periodic basis. The fact that you've had emotionally intense experiences with her is great. You know, every week I get validation from my therapy clients too. They tell me there's a lot of emotion going on in the room and they are intensely grateful for what I can give them. And they pay me too. But would I ask the really rich clients (and I do have some) for a loan if I were in trouble? Not only my conscience, but my professional organization's code of ethics forbid me to do so. And if there were a written code for prostitutes, they wouldn't either, if they wanted to stay in the POAA (Prostitutes of America Association, just an invention, alas.)

Now, she may never have asked you for anything and you may just be the charitable one to volunteer. Good on ya, kiddo. Ya got zillions to spend like Charlie Sheen who gave $10,000 tips? Please feel free. If not, keep your wallet and your feelings intact, mostly for sanity's sake.

Whew, that was a big one,
the Love Goddess

Loaning, or should I say throwing money away to providers has been discussed ad nauseam on this board. Ranks right up there with am I in love with my provider. I would suggest calling into the Suze Orman show, specifically the "Can I Afford It" segment, and let's see what she says.

I've said this before and will do so again. Mention this to your best male friend. Stand 2 feet from him. No close your eyes, because if he is your friend, he will slap you back to reality.

I have given money to a long term regular with whom I had a friendship/client relationship.  While it did turn out okay as she paid it back in clock time, it did strain the friendship.  

Not from my perspective... I learned long ago to consider any money 'lent' a gift and to only do it if I was freely willing to give with no expectation of repayment.

The difficulty was she resented over time the feeling of having to repay with clock time, began to take everything I said as a reference to what she owed me, and though it was repayed with session time, it strained what had been a wonderful friendship.

I have heard of many instances cited by other replies of the lady 'disappearing' and have almost never heard of money actually being paid back.

I echo Mr. Fisher's reply....  I am a softy, but have no problem considering the money a gift.  The sad thing is it still may wreck the relationship.

Just don't do it.  This comes from someone who has loaned money before.  It definitely puts a strain on things.  Fortunately, we were able to "patch things up," but both of us (provider and myself) resolved to never go through that again.

If you say no, in all probability, you lose the lady, but keep your money. If you say yes, there's a very high possibilty that you lose the money, or the lady, or both. Advice and information are a far cry from financial assistance. Remember, regardless of the intense and memorable experiences, she is a provider, and you are a client. Don't let your pecker run away with your wallet.

First some background: A lady I had seen once showed up at my hotel with her friend for a booked two hour date.  I had left my money home and maxed out my ATM.  They trusted me, it was great.  I sent her a money order two days later. A year or so later moved to her city.  She became a favorite.  A year after my move, she called from another city asking for about three dates' worth of money to be wired as she was stuck and promised to repay it either in money or services.  I wired it to her. She did not charge me for the next four dates: Even! I would not loan or co sign a loan for this or any other provider unless she was a friend and not a provider to me.  If you refuse, the relationship will so south BUT if you do it, it will also go south and you will become angry and you will lose your money or worse.

-- Modified on 7/29/2008 3:51:18 AM

Have more sessions with her. That should help.

A co-signer -- common parlance -- is a schmuck with a pen -- particularly providers -- loan or co-sign, you wont't get your $$ back -- maybe a little trade & she's gone, gone, gone

You really have to be kidding, right?  This is just a variation on grabbing the envelope and running!

I appreciate all the good advice; great reality check.  Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences; it's the part of me whispering, "I want to help out" which requires the clear boundary....I will keep the situation on a completely professional level.

I have pre-paid some ladies over the years with more or less good results.  There is one "lady," prominent on this board, who chose to steal a large sum of money from me and it has soured me on even pre-paying unless I know the lady very, very well.