LG

I am on the edge of starting the hobby. My 50+ wife never had a lot of interest in sex but I tolerated that for 21 yrs and on balance, I could live with what we had. The last few yrs, however, once every two weeks is now once every month or maybe 6 wks or worse and it's making me crazy. Birthday, Valentine's day; not even then. I try to talk about it and get nowhere; all I get is told I married the wrong woman (with re to sex). Oddly, all else is well with the relationship, two great teenage kids, no stress house, great neighborhood, no other issues at all, we get along great and life is good.

However, finding TER has changed my thought patterns and I am conflicted. I frequently travel for business and I can now see how easy it would be to start; half of me wants to dive in the other half tells me that married family men 50+ should not be visiting with women half that age. I still feel as horny now as when I was 25. Just bottled up.

I set appts with providers twice only to cancel due to guilt/nerves but the third appt is set and I'm thinking I'll go through with it. Well reviewed, easy screen, and 23. Am I crazy or just total lust?

LG, I have a few question and concerns; first, if I do it once, will I be able to stop? Second, will I be able to handle it emotionally, given my current state? Is this a classic symptom of mid-life crisis? Should I wait until the last kid is in college in another 5 years and then start, with less risk to my situation but older still? I'm not going to live forever. With all else quite good, is it really worth the risk? I am torn. My hope of course is that it's a great experience that I repeat often with little risk to my situation. Is that realistic or is the wrong head thinking?

Looking forward to hearing from you LG. Many thanks!

Unfortunately, luvingitnow,

I can't answer any of your questions. I haven't met you in person, I don't know your most intimate circumstances and it would be incompetent of me to make a flip analysis of the future.

What I can say, however, is that it seems utterly horrendous to go without regular sex for 21 years and never do anything about it! In some way, it goes against the basic sexual rights of humanity, which dictate that every human being has a right to be sexual and to enjoy his/her Universe-given sexual faculties as they were meant to. The fact that your wife feels you "married the wrong woman" should tell you something. On the other hand, that's no excuse for either one of you. But, you seem to accept her statement only because "all else is well with the relationship." Hmmm....I guess if you can compartmentalize sex in the context of marital relations, then I suppose everything is alright....or?

As to being 50+, married, and consorting with "women half your age," I'm not even going to listen to that. But then again, you want to be married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, so I suppose that's another part of the guilt trip that is associated with something that should be natural and fabulous. The masochism in this letter is astounding, and yet there are so many masochistic individuals out there. Women married to wifebeaters, men married to proverbial nuns....egads, how DID we all get into this predicament???

Now, you meet with a provider and it feels good to you, why on earth would you WANT to stop? Haven't you denied yourself enough during these 21 years? And what are you risking? Your wife's disaffection? You've got it already. A woman not willing to have sex with her man is a lot of things, but a good wife she's not. Period. And I don't care how many snotty noses she wipes or how many casseroles she produces. When you sign up to be a wife, you sign up to have intercourse with your husband. Otherwise, what's the point of being married? For the money? For the "kids?" I find that dishonest and crass...even possibly more dishonest than getting your wick dipped because it's being denied some healthy, regular use. So if she's checked out of the marital sexbed, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to do something about your own situation.

I just don't understand men sometimes, I admit it...
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 6/9/2008 7:09:08 PM

Of course I'm no expert, but - marriage is not a right to have sex.  When you get married, you are signing up to share the life, not an obligation to have sex with their spouses.  Everything that comes or doesn't come with your partner, you are signing up to that as well.  If sex was lacking before marriage, you wouldn't expect that to change.  If it was fine before and things changed, yet the wife refuses to work on the issue, that's a problem.  

I've seen clients who felt guilty during the course of the appointment, and that's sad.  I'm inclined towards having an open relationship rather than to go behind partner's back, but I guess not everybody is wired that way.

Well, RinaTakami,
Take it from someone who's repeated her marriage vows a few times in front of assorted officiants: the institution of marriage does give each party a right to have sex with his/her spouse. In fact, in Judaism, the lack of sexual satisfaction gives a female spouse the right to divorce her husband. In Scandinavia, wedding vows include the words "in need and in lust;" I'm just curious to figure out how lust is supposed to happen without having sex.

The entire institution of marriage is predicated upon legalized procreation and to prevent the children from being "bastards." Granted, procreation may not be "sex," but it does involve the ins and outs of penile-vaginal contact. And of course we have the grounds for annulment in most cultures - the unconsummated marriage. So yes, sex is a BIG part of it.

Be fruitful and multiply  -  now that sounds like sex to me,
the Love Goddess

If a husband can rape his wife, apparently sex is not a right.  I just don't believe sex is the reason to get married.

1)  FINALLY..LG...caught you!  You said: "I just don't understand men sometimes, I admit it..."  WHAT?  Since when don't you understand us?!  

2) I've lived the marriage without sex and when I got some it was "get this over with."   No intimacy drives us men absolutely crazy and it's just not normal.   I truly believe that this type of stress and worrying and craving leads to heart attacks.

To the gent that can't make up his mind, I truly do appreciate your mental anguish.  Been there.   Try it once, don't tell anyone..if you can live with having made the move you'll know soon after.   Just keep quiet about it either way.
MHO

Sorry, but I view physical attraction and physical intimacy as a natural extension of my love for someone, in particular my romantic love.   Marriage is more than sex, sure, but it's also more than a tax write off.  Sex and physical intimacy are just as important as anything else; without it (unless both people are ok without it), any marriage is just a friendship.  Maybe you're ok with that, but I am not.  I can have friends fine without the responsibilities of marriage.

you'll like it. However, I'm 55,divorced and prefer providers in their 30's. Good luck.

but I agree.  In fact, I think that's exactly right.  I think sex is a reflection of the relationship.  People say their relationship is perfect but sex is lacking, but I think lack of sex comes from some type of issue one way or the other, from the relationship.  The issue should be worked on by both partners, but then I don't believe marriage gives you a right or an obligation to have sex.  I think sex is only a result of the relationship.

You are correct, the concept of spousal rape is now established in law in most of the Western World. The traditional view that marriage is consent is no longer the law, although the Related Link says cases of spousal rape are often not easy to prosecute.

In short, sex (without consent) is clearly not a legal right in marriage in the United States.

I would also agree with your second sentence. When the woman I married and I made the decision to marry I had a choice about whom to marry. The sex with the woman I married was OK. The sex with the woman I didn't marry was extraordinary -- on a par with the sex I've had with providers in the last few years.

Marriage, however, is a partnership that one hopes will last for a lifetime. (My marriage lasted until the death of my wife from cancer a little over a year ago.) There is a LOT more a stake in the decision of whom to marry than sex.

Agreement with your two points leads me to the point I want to add. (Actually, LG said it first in another thread.) Physical fidelity is not the same as emotional fidelity.

When the sex faded from my marriage (and I don't blame that completely on my wife) I started visiting escorts and I didn't feel guilty. Nor, do I think I loved my wife any less.

I actually don't think the essential problem is with the  sex or lack of sex in the marriage. If other aspects of the relationship are good, the marriage is good--if you don't believe that the marriage is responsible for meeting all your needs. I can see that if you don't believe it is OK to go elsewhere for what the marriage isn't supplying, that a good marriage could be turned into something close to a psychological (and perhaps even physical) hell.

I think the problem lies in a culture that says that spouses should be everything to each other--especially when it comes to sex. (And, yes, I do believe that sex outside of marriage should be done responsibly with regard to issues of disease and paternity--marriage is an important commitment.)

-- Modified on 6/9/2008 11:58:44 PM

about the problem not being the actual sex.  I also agree about emotional vs. physical fidelity.  That's why I said in my first response, that I'm inclined towards an open relationship.  I just with the core of the problem was more dealt with, and if sex outside the relationship is necessary, I wish it was agreed between the partners instead of going behind the other's back.  That's why people feel guilty.

LG you r always so on the money.
Now about the age deal...who says you have to see ladies that much younger than you?
Look around there are so many hot hot and smokin hot gals on Ter, reviewed ect in thier 30s and 40s.
Good luck
Nicole

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:59:14 AM

I came to the conclusion that life is too short and I'll be dead a long time, so I jumped in with both feet.

In that time I have experienced some of the most wonderful moment of sexual ectasy and met some truely wonderful and memorable people.

I also ended up getting caught and had a costly divorce; but I'd do it again in a instant.

And yes, it is very habit forming.  Don't get involved unless you have fairly deep pockets.

Also, don't let the age gap throw you.  There are wonderful providers of all ages.  Make pretend you're a kid in the candy store.  This is supposed to be fun, not an ordeal.

Only you can know for sure, but I thought I'd give you one person's take.

1. The question of sexless marriages is very complex.  It is a sad state of affairs, but very common in America.  It doesn't mean the marriage is a failure or useless.  If other things are good, the marriage can be worth hanging on to. In any case, the business has nothing to do with your question unless you need to blame your wife so you don't feel guilty.  I don't feel guilty and I find fixing blame to be a useless exercise.  
2. I understand the guilt and fear.  Guilt is between you and G_D.  I don't feel guilty about seeing providers or --when it happens-- non professional friends.  If you feel guilty, it won't be fun.  Don't worry about the age business.  I am well into Medicare age.  I find I enjoy more mature providers.  One of my favorites is 60.  Others are in their 30s and 40s and 50s.  I find them more skillful and into things. I have a friend who loves really young providers.  To each his own, I guess.
3. Of course be careful and make sure your wife does not find out.  An "open relationship" will never work.
4. s to the fear:Here's what you need to be afraid of:
a. Exposure.  This has never been a real fear of mine.  Well reviewed women are not there to arrest you.  
b. Disease.  This is more real.  These include clymidia, gonorrhea, syphilis.  These are bacterial and can be prevented by using antibiotics.  Usually a dose before and after does it.  I could recommend the antibiotics, but it would be best if you could talk to your doctor.
More feared is herpes.  Some believe that pre and post treatment with medication active against herpes may help.  I do that,but the evidence is light. Again, best to talk to your doctor.
Most feared is Hepatits C and HIV.  In general, if you do not have open sores in your mouth and your gums are in good shape and you have no sores or inflammation on your penis, The chances of these is low.  Condoms help but not if you enjoy DATY. The risks are small, but real. You need to discuss these with your doctor and decide for yourself.  I am a physician and I have decided in favor.
I have very much enjoyed most of the ladies I have met with the hobby.  Particularly the mature ones  who have been able to succeed in the business for a few years tend to be intelligent and responsive and interesting people  Think of what they do and realize how difficult it is intellectually and psychologically to be able to make a connection with someone with such limited time. Yet these generally bright and talented ladies do it regularly. If you decide to go ahead, I hope you enjoy it as much as I have over the years.

Of course, dear Rina,
Rape is never right from a moral standpoint. But from an ideological and a judicial standpoint, intercourse between a man and a woman in marriage is both a right and an obligation.

Hence, my point is this one: why stand in front of a judge/priest/reverend or "other" and make a promise that involves both ideological and judicial concepts if you there is a slight chance you may not be able to live within the constraints of said concepts? Why not just live together without the license?

I don't buy the "do everything for the children's sake." In the first place, there are usually not children when the vows take place, and in the other, and perhaps even more important, children notice when something is off between the parents. And that includes two people not having sex, for whatever reason.

If there is one thing I understand about men, it is that they need regular sex. Whether they get it from wives or prostitutes is another issue, but they do need sex regularly, unless they've taken vows of chastity [and we've seen how well those vows work in the Catholic church]. And if wives are not prepared to enjoy sex with their husbands, then I do believe husbands have rights to get sex from somewhere else. There, I said it.

I hope this settles any further doubts about my opinion on screwing outside marriage, LOL,

the Love Goddess

...i do firmly believe that one of my duties as a wife is to keep him sexually satisfied and delighted. our relationship is not and never has been physically monogamous on either side, we just don't believe in that, but if we didn't have a wonderful sex life with each other, i would view that as a HUGE issue in the relationship overall. on that point i agree with you Rina, it's never just about the sex, the sex issues always stem from something a bit deeper.

but despite my age (26) i'm an old fashioned sort of girlie and do not believe in the concept of spousal rape, recognized by law or not. i belong to my Husband, and have no right to deny him his needs. but i understood the score before jumping in...no one was holding a gun to my head. and i believe LG was making a similar point: why do so many people go ahead with a long term serious commitment like marriage, knowing they don't really want to deal with the obligations and devotion involved? that remains a mystery to me, and it does make me sad (and angry, for their sake) when i speak with my clients who are dealing with this issue. you cannot call yourself a good wife, and refuse to take care of your husband.

I am 61.  I jumped in a little over 2 years ago.  Don't need to go into reasons why I started so late.  At first I went to young providers like you describe.  Looking back at my list of ladies I have seen, I find that I have more providers over the age of 30 and many over 40, or close to it, than under 30.  Many of my older providers I have seen more than one time, but I haven't seen any of the 20-somethings more than once.  Some were more fun than others, but none of them have been regrettable.  I do my research, using the resources available here and on other sites.

Having been divorced for over 20 years, a near sexless marriage was not my motivation for getting into the hobby. A sexless life was.  If you are prepared financially amd emotionally for it, then do it.  Remember, you will have to hide hobby money, you will need a hobby phone, and a hobby email account.  Sneaking around may take a toll on you emotionally.  Your business traveling may make it easier for you, but it will take some extensive prep work to set up dates.

While I may have fueled your apprehension, my advice to you is, just do it at least once.  Then decide if you want to continue.  If you don't try, you will never know.  See a well-reviewed provider, regardless of age.  I am always nervous when I see a new provider even after close to 3 dozen encounters, so being nervous is nothing to worry about, it happens.

Good luck.  Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this.

Swim

I think we are getting off track, which is why I tried to go back to the original poster's question.  He feels guilty.  Well - if the wife is not willing to be intimate with him, or even discuss the issue, it's obvious some alternative is necessary.  If he secretly goes to an escort, of course he'll feel guilty.  I've seen these clients.  I just wish they didn't have to keep secrets.

The thing that got me thinking though - is that he says his wife never had a lot of interest in sex.  If she never had interest in sex before getting married, you can't expect that to change just because they got married, either.  That's all.

When someone gets married in a Judea-Christian society it is their duty to satisfy each other sexually. Of course not to rape someone, but to please their partner sexually.

I am not sure where you get your views on marriage from, that says sex is not important in a marriage. You clearly do not understand men or some basic concepts about marriage.

If people in a marriage have an equal obligation to try to meet the sexual needs of their partners, what happens in this frequent scenario:  The wife bends full attention to the children and the husband languishes; she never refuses him but frequency drops to zero and she thinks he's got ED big time; after a couple of years the neglected husband discovers a new love and rekindles his passion but still can't do it with his wife -- he's lost desire for her, but she now wants a full sexual relationship again.  The fallout is bitter and poignant. What to do?  I say once the horse is out of the barn, there's no solution except give up sex or get a divorce.

Well, TraumasObserved,
If the wife wants a "full sexual relationship again," then the question is, who does she want it with? The husband? Some other guy? If it's the husband, and he's willing to open up to having it with his wife, then they can try for it. If she wants it with some other guy, then that's a settled case. And, if she wants it with him and he doesn't want it with her, then I guess they should either get into therapy or divorce.

Simple, really,
the Love Goddess

There are several things that I think it would be a shame not to have experienced before I shuffle off this mortal coil and great NSA sex with a lovely young woman is high on that list.

If you're lucky (or cursed, depending on your POV) you'll find a young woman who understands how to create a great deal of intimacy very quickly and you'll experience a great deal of infatuation. Enjoy it!! Just keep the big head in charge.

If you keep your head on straight, you may find that some hidden resentments of your wife will begin to fade and you can enjoy her more for who she is.

...you've had here luvingitnow.  Quite frankly your wife sounds alot like mine.

You have 3 choices; 1) don't hobby and keep seeing rosy palm or 2) hobby (privately cheat) 3) publicly cheat with a civilian.

Several have given you advise about how you must cover your tracks.  First step - buy a prepaid cell phone.  Try to never use your public phones.  But I would admonish you to be very careful about scheduling appts with providers and cancelling.  I unfortunately have made the same mistakes.  You can get away with that with some providers, but the higher end ones have memories like an elephants.  And, remember, the ladies talk.

If you travel, really you have the perfect cover.  Accumulate a private cache of cash - and hobby from there.  Contact a provider and schedule.  Tell her it's your first time.  But take the dive.  You'll be nervous trust all of us...but you will find some women who will just blow your mind.  And part of the fun is finding that woman.

Will you be able to stop?  I don't think I'd worry about that - why?  Well, quite frankly, you probably won't want to stop.  But you probably will stop when you no longer feel the biological need.  I think that happens for many sooner or later.

Jump in and get wet.  The water's just fine.

Best,

BS

Wow!

Starting with LG and going down the list of responses to BigSplooge, I thank all of you for your input, just superb and most appreciated. Rest assured I have read every post more than once, more like 3 or 4 times.

LG, thanks so much for this forum and your help, I had to look up masochism to be sure I understood your point; there is some truth to what you say in terms of delaying gratification I suppose.  

What will I do?...the appt is still on...and as the time approaches, I'm pretty calm about it...

Thanks everyone!

Hi .It seems like you like every other aspect of your marrige which is good and I know how you feel having reciently gotten out of a fairly sexless or one sided relationship , Although Ive never been married . If you were having an affair and getting emotionally involved with another woman then that might be cause for guilt but as long as you have a mutually respectful encounter with a provider then dont sweat it . There are some wonderful open minded fun ladies out there just  waiting to take care of your physical needs who dont want a relationship . Just dont get caught.think of it like Chocolate moose ,Its wonderful and you like to savour it but youre not having a relationship with it ,

First off, have you actually had a nice conversation on the phone with one of the providers you planned to meet? Communication is of the utmost importance for you to be comfortable with who you see.

Now saying that, have you thought of searching for a provider who is closer to your age? There are many older providers who actualy offer a very good time which includes real intimacy and you also might have more in common with them.

Will one experience with a provider get you soooo hooked that you can't stop. Anything is possible but more likely you have more controle than you think over that answere.
      Kisses Haley