Dear LG (aka: If it's about love and sex, she be knowing it!)

This happened last week and I'm just starting to process the "WTF just happened!?"

On this board, I've told you, and the entire TER world, that I love my wife dearly.  To me she is still "hot" and I desire her every moment of the day.  But with all the baggage she has from her childhood (got emotional problems? See a therapist, don't wait.  That's my advice) it just isn't going to change. She is late 50's, me early 60's.  So there is a lot more time behind us than ahead.

I started hobbying one year ago this month.  To say it changed my life is an understatement - some good, some bad.

I'll net this out and get to the main point of my email to you.   After no sex for almost 3 years and a bad sex life for 15, having access to a willing partner (albeit for $$) was a thrill.  But it came with guilt afterwards.  Good sex, bad guilt.  

Something changed in me.  From being an unhappy married man (but I am an outgoing sales guy) to "something" that wasn't apparent to me.

Last week I helped a neighbor (danger Will Robinson!) with her stalled car.  She's 54, looks 34, divorced for 15 years and lives alone.  A great career on her own so doesn't need anybody to take care of her.

We are casual with one another - I wave to her when I see her and now and then stop and talk.  But that's all.

So I get the car started and she takes me inside so I can wash my hands.  She starts questioning me about all the time my wife spends away from me (a 2nd home in another state) and "aren't I lonely, etc. etc.)   I blurted out "yes, I am lonely."  She says "you shouldn't be."  I say "that's the way it is and will be."  She says "I can change that!"   I say "huh?"  (good retort, eh?!)   She comes over and kisses me. Damn!!  

LG:  Never, never did I make a pass at that woman.  I have looked at her in the way men look at sexy women (and she is sexy) but not leering.  I know you know what I mean.

Yes, we did hop into bed, right there!  To me this is amazing and I think (think) that my hobbying experience has given me confidence?  Some type of unknown "aura?"   Damned if I know, because this just wouldn't have happened to me a year ago.

I'm still in shock and thought maybe you might be able to tell me, from a woman's view...is there something that men exude?   Can I bottle it and get a patent?!

Lastly:  This was MUCH better sex than any provider (and I've had a couple of "9" experiences with providers) and the main reason was that SHE approached me.  I didn't pay.  SHE wanted me!  ME!!!  What a great feeling.

What you thinking LG?  Luck?  UFO alien abduction?

CG

...on this one.  This is like watching "the young and the restless" (LOL)...........

Enjoy!

BS

-- Modified on 2/12/2008 11:50:41 AM

A TER Los Angeles buddy - I PM'd him and he said "You lucky SOB!"

It's damn close to home and now the BIG temptation is to "visit" her often.  She's certainly willing.  

I think I've made a big mistake.  We'll have to see what the "Goddess of looking after stupid men" thinks.

as the Chinese curse goes.

This neighbor has the hots for you and vice versa.  You have crossed the line and now the interesting stuff comes.

There are a lot of gambits; the "sneak behind the wife's back" is the most popular for obvious reasons.  The problem comes when she wants to do more than sneak around.  I guarantee you that she will want to replace your wife with her.

I suggest that the best thing to do is to level with her and tell her that while she is wonderful and the sex was wonderful, you can't let this go on and threaten the relationship you have with your wife; and hope she takes it well and understands; however, don't count on it.

Avoiding these sticky situations is exactly what the hobby was designed for.

I wish you good luck in this endeavor.  You will need it.

I started hobbying to avoid having an affair and all that entails.  I've seen some of the very same ladies you have, and wasn't that enough to hold you over, dude?   Didn't that give you enough to be able to turn away from what is obviously a disaster waiting to happen?

If you weren't intending to have an affair, but ended up doing it anyway, it seems spending $$$$ for a night with your favorite redhead GFE was money poorly spent, because it obviously didn't help.

Good for you.

for the divorce lawyer when your other neighbors tell you wife on you - or when the next door neighbor lady shows up on your stoop demanding more!

The nice thing about a professional - we go away when told.

Giggle,
TS Jamie

Like the old saying goes:  We don't pay you to come, we pay you to go.

The emoticon says it all, doesn't it, channelguy,

Deep sigh. Yes, I understand about your newfound sexual moxie. Yes,I understand the neighbor is hot. Yes, I understand that the "naughtiness factor" is about a billion times higher with someone who WANTS YOU, rather than the other way aroud. But here's something YOU need to understand:

When you get with a provider, the chances that she is going to
a) blow your cover in some careless fashion
b) babble to her friends
c) somehow get it across to your wife
d) call you for more sex
e) fall in love with you and create emotional consequences - FOR WHICH YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED FOR - are practically NIL.

You should check my response to the one who wanted to have sex w/ his sister-in-law a couple of threads down. This one isn't as bad, but damn close to it. Unless of course you are willing to leave your wife for your neighbor if it comes down to it, you are playing with emotions that are not controlled by a financial arrangement. You think you're getting a "free lunch?" My friend, there is no such thing.

Of course, if you two fall in love and ride off into the sunset, I'll bite my lip and wish you a very merry. But until then, please understand that there may be that distinct possibility that your neighbor wants to see you again...and again and again..and pretty soon, it may escalate. And if it does, you'll feel a lot more confused and possibly "guilty" than if you'd have paid someone a couple of bills to get some no-strings nookie.

My advice is to leave well-enough alone. Yup. Simple as that. I don't believe in complicating your life unnecessarily. You and your wife are not having sex? Well, it seems she has told you she's not going to change. Your task, if you are up to it, should be to inform her that you find her superhot, but that if she's not willing to put out, you will no longer date Rosy Palm and that you're going to go out there and get yourself some sexual satisfaction. Period. And let HER come back to you with a solution. Tell her you need sex X amount of times per week/month or however you want to configure it. If she's not up to couples therapy/medication or whatever else there may be, then you have your full right to tell her there will be consequences. But should one of them be screwing your neighbor? I think not.

But hey, if you follow your penis around and ignore the various warnings (see mrfisher, for example), you won't be the first and you won't be the last....

I think you get my drift, studboy,
the Love Goddess

I don't understand why there's such a nodding approval or cavalier attitude on these boards for cheating on your wives....  I'm sorry but the post seemed to be a little too braggadocious about cheating on your wife with a neighbor. Is it always about your own happiness? So, you saw some providers that got your confidence to the point of attracting a lady in her mid 50's...big deal.  Rather than showing a little remorse at betraying your wife, you're practically jumping with glee at bragging about it. Why is everyone just worried about the consequences of getting caught?...what about loving and respecting your wife, regardless of whether you're ever caught.  Just because we're breaking social mores by paying women for sex, does that mean we throw every value out the door and start giving pats on the back for betraying your wives.  I just feel bad for your poor wife....after all the years she put into the marriage.

Everybody is right on this.  I know it.  And thanks.

LG: One follow up to your comments:

My wife was abused as a child. She has seen several therapists and as you know, sexual abuse by a parent to a young girl is especially traumatic.   She just can not be intimate.  It's gotten steadily worse over the past two decades and she finally "crashed" 3 years ago. Post traumatic stress, whatever.  She just said "I can't do it anymore."

I don't want to divorce her.  I love her.  But NO sex. NONE, ZIP.  It's unbearable - it's why I started to see providers (and feeling guilty every time)  Hearing this, do I still say to her "I got to have it and I'm going outside the marriage?"  

It's a paradox.  She loves me.  She is terribly guilty for what she does to me / us.  But I can see that adding therapist and doctor #35 isn't going to change the situation.

I can buy sex, but I can't buy love - the realy hugging, passionate relationship    And that's why when my neighbor pursued...yes, pursued me.  Me.   It felt so good.

In the end, I'm just lonely for loving attention.

God bless you LG, you help so many people.
Need your car fixed?  Computer?  I'll do it for you  

I'm not saying she would like it, mind you; but out of love and a recognition that she is unable to fulfill your needs, perhaps she would acquiese to you hobbying.

Of course, since she is away a lot of the time, maybe ignorance would be bliss.

I think part of the initial question was did the fact the man had started hobbying and having sex make his neighbor attracted to him.
That answer is certainly yes.  You probably are happier getting some and that translates to showing confidence.  Women are attracted to confidence and to happy people.  You are probably a much happier person since beginning to hobby.
I am sure that has something to do with your neighbor wanting you.
On the other part an affair can be dangerous and wrong.  You have to make that choice and I would advice you to think of the consequences involved, good and bad.

Mr. Fischer, thank you for your advice

My last post IS a the question back to LG about my approach to my wife.    It's probably just a "straw dog" as I don't think I have the nerve to do it.  I'd rather do what I'm doing "sneak around" than confront her with an "in her face" about the issues and weaknesses we already know exist.  And that haunt her / us.

I don't believe I can say to her "you don't / can't have sex so I'm seeing "somebody else."    She would understand but simultaneously devastated.

I hate the situation we're in.  

I appreciate your concern and feedback

CG

For what it's worth, she probably already knows on some level that you are seeking connection outside of the marriage. As a woman whose had a a guy cheat on me I can tell you that most woman know, even if they can't admit it. A LOT of wives would rather act like it's not happening than to deal with it. Perhaps it goes back to the whole "woman need security" thing. I don't know?

For me, I can't deal with it and if I suspect then I'm outta there, however, I do think A LOT of woman will deal with it, especially if you've been together years and years and your not having sex. In some ways, she's gotta know you can't go years without a connection. I know if I were married for years and we hadn't been together in years I would know my husband is out there somewhere. So, whether she admits it to you I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't already know. (Not the details but just that it is happening in some form another). It's also possible she doesn't but on some level I'm sure she has to think it.

It's tough whether you decide to bring it up or not but if she's trying to get the help she needs then there's not a whole lot you can do beyond what you've done.

Seriously. I think you have royally screwed yourself over. You hobby for one reason and one only. To have

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Sexual encounters with women.

Point is that we don't want anything from you other than the envelope, punctuality and cleanliness.

Your neighbor, however, thinks it's

"not right" that you're alone

"She can fix that"

Are you crazy???

You should have run far and fast from that if you do indeed "love" your wife as you have stated. You love your wife so you are entangling yourself with a woman who already is attracted to you beyond what you were initially willing to go. Beware the strange woman who comes on to you.

On one hand I am glad you've gained confidence from visiting providers but I am also very very sad for your wife because now you are potentially cheating on her not just with a provider but someone SHE may know and talk to.

We as providers NEVER see your wife. We don't know what she looks like, what kind of car she drives, how she looks in the morning or what she does in the afternoons. We don't compare ourselves to her and we sure as hell never imagine ourselves in her shoes (at least I have not).

This woman does. She knows where your wife lives, where YOU live and your wife's first name. You have opened a can of worms that have the potential to seep into your life and take away the very thing you claim to love so much. If I were you I would break it off as quickly and cleanly as possible.

And to those who are congratulating someone because he's managed to sneak around on his wife who does not take away sex because she is a "bitch" but who is emotionally scarred from childhood trauma is not something I think is right.  Those who have should take a good look at themselves and their moral compass. Not everyone visits a provider because their wife is undesirable.

Just my  $.02


~Alyssa

How an escort is a lot more safer than fucking your neighbor LOL

Good lord !!

you were probably always desireable -
You are the one that chose to come here and pay us -

So dont say it like its a bad thing-

I managed to pull the wool over the wife's eyes for about fifteen years before my carelessness upset the apple cart.

She said that she was more hurt by the fact that I snuck around than the actual hobbying, but I suspect that she would have been pretty hurt nevertheless.

It's an imperfect world, and we have to try the best we can.

I had a friend...who was also abused as a child. She has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Multiple personalities. She has visions and recurring nightmares of her father coming at her in her dreams. That regresses her, and she withdrawls from everyone close to her. She thinks sex is ok, but for anyone to have casual sex she thinks its horrible, and she makes that person out to be bad.
I don't think telling your wife if you don't get sex your going elsewhere will work. It will only push her further away from you.
Sometimes just holding someone close to you, and whispering your concerns about her opens up a person more than sitting down and facing each other and talking does.
I wish you all the best in luck.
Be careful treading these waters you've fallen in.

xoxo
Diana

does the court award alimony for that long ?


her behavior makes me think her alimony payments are about to expire.

that lady doesn't need anybody's money.  She is as sharp as anyone I've ever met in the marketing world.

Her nice home, 2 Porsches...all bought by her hard work.

And to those who, rightly, criticize me for my actions, consider this:

I'm damned lonely and love starved.  Who doesn't like attention and flattery?

With a neighbor?  Stupid I know and I'm going to cut it off.   If you're not susceptible to a pretty lady that comes on to you when you're attention starved, then you are much tougher than me.  

Thanks for all the advice and comments.

However, part of hobbying is to make sure you aren't as susceptible.  I've had a couple of chances to go "civvie" in my attempts to satisfy my own personal loneliness and thankfully, due to this, I haven't had to go down that path.  I could turn it down today where a year ago I wouldn't have been able to and been in the big boiling pot of water you just jumped into.

Two Porches?  I have to rethink this whole thing now.  8o)

Satiate: "To satisfy (an appetite or desire) fully (American Heritage Dictionary)."

As good as something seems at first, unless it totally satisfies the appetite or desire, it will continue to be sought. A basic reason why this relation may blow up in your face is that you have no idea what is the depths of her desire and/or appetite for you, or what you are offering, and you have no control over it, no matter what you think you can do. Plus, being enamored by her appetite and/or desire for you is understandable but deadly, if you truly wish to stay with your wife.

SHE used to be a HE.. LMAO
Okay sorry, I had to say it.

Channelguy, if you're seeking love/attention and your neighbor is willing to give it to you, why not?  We're only human.  Don't decide what to do just because some people here criticize your action.  Who are we to judge if we're in here 'hobbying', right?  

Do what you think is right.  If you deny yourself of your neighbor's affection that you wanted so much, you'd just get it somewhere else or worst, you might even resent your wife for it. *shrug*  Good luck deciding and hope you'll let us know what happen once it's done.

Wow...what a response!   I appreciate your comments, even the ones that said I was a no good sneaky, lying, cheating, bad neighbor!

This situation was - literally - to close to home.  This is the 2nd time I've gotten myself into an uncomfortable situation that required LG (and the TER gang) to offer advice.  

This neighbor is a lovely lady and we just got together at the right (or maybe the wrong!) time.  It all "clicked" and passion took over.  I have no idea why a gorgeous lady (and a nice lady) like her would bed a dufuss like me.  Other than I'm handy with cars.  

She was good about ending all this and understood that things like this happen.  She was quite nice to me and I only cried for 45 minutes in front of her.  Oh how manly I am.  It hurt some.

This was so unexpected for both of us.  

LG:  thanks again

particularly since you seem to be determined to stay with your wife, despite your mutual sexual issues....

Hope your situation improves,
the Love Goddess

I am astounded at the almost universal criticism of channelguy on this. Yes, the affair with the neighbor is full of risk. But playing around with providers isn't? Channel guy loved the feeling of being truly wanted, and I don't see what his long and painful conversation ending it all with the neighbor could not have been equally well spent in a candid conversation about what the relationship was and wasn't. It is possible, I can tell you from personal experience. I have a great deal of respect for the providers I have been with, and I have enjoyed my time with them immensely and try to be a customer they enjoy entertaining. The sanctimony of society about both mutual affairs and paid sex is ridiculous. The pain and embarrassment of being caught in an affair, if it happened, are certainly no worse for Channel Guy's wife than the problems of being arrested as a john.

All that said, I do share the views of most that there is abundant value in being free of all the baggage of an "affair" vs the provider. The affair partners got very clingy, two of them anyway, even as I loved their enthusiasm and companionship. Channel Guy too might eventually regret the entanglements (you get tired of fixing their cars, after all). I just think this was very one-sided bunch of responses. Good luck, CG, and may the force be with you.