I've never really thought of doing the hobby until recently, and largely just to fulfill a couple of fantasies. I'm happily married and love my wife to death.

Our sex life is usually pretty good (with the occasional rut). However, for most of the past year and for at least two more years she's in a another country, 14 time zones away, working on a Ph.D. I would be there myself, but I started a company last year that has investors and I have responsibilities and blah blah blah - long story short: I can't leave the country to join her right now.

(I know it sounds crazy to be separated so far for so long, but this is the best timing for her to do her Ph.D., I figure if American soldiers are willing to sacrifice their families over Iraq, surely we can suck it up and deal.)

It sucks having her so far away, but so far we've dealt with it.

But it occurs to me that if there's ever a time to fulfill a couple fantasies, now is the time...

One teeny little advantage of this arrangement: whenever she comes home we fuck like rabits. She was here for most of last month (after being away for five months) and we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

(I'm an aliteration enthusiast.)

It's normal to feel some guilt about hobbying, in fact, it would be somewhat pathological not to.

But like any other activity that has mixed acceptance in society, we all have to eventually make peace with the different sides of ourselves and make a decision.

Some of what you term "guilt" may be, in fact, fear of being caught, which is also very sane to worry about.

If you don't think you can keep your hobbying secret, then I would not go ahead with it if you wish to remain married.

This must be "Temptation/Guilt" week, anymouseorama

No, you are not nuts. See mrfisher's reply, which I heartily endorse. Otherwise, I might add that you have a normal sex drive, which needs satisfaction beyond 14 time zones.

On the other hand, if you do act on your phantasies, you will need to consider your feelings afterwards. If you can rationalize and compartmentalize and yes, see human biology with all that it entails straight in the eye, then perhaps you won't think it so strange to have extramarital sex when in your situation.

Five months is a looooong time for a healthy male,
the Love Goddess

You should go for it-but........don't have a gal come to your home-neighbors like to "Help" !!

Oh yeah! NEVER at my place. (I actually rent out one of our rooms, so that would be a very bad idea regardless of the neighbors.)

I've been very happily married for 30 years and really thought a great deal before beginning to hobby fairly recently. So far, it's been much better than I thought and has enhanced my relationship with my wife.

A couple of things to be aware of-
Guilt is hard to hide. If you think you're going to feel guilty as a result of hobbying, don't do it.

It's not unusual to develop a pretty strong attachment to a young lady who is sweet and giving. Be prepared for some strong feelings to come up and have a plan for dealing with them. This may not happen, but it's better to be pprepared than not.

Make sure you consider what your finances can bear. This can be pretty damn addictive!!

Thanks for your advice.

Quick question: how has it "enhanced my relationship with my wife"? That seems counterintuitive to the Nth degree.

My wife has been in Asia since early December, and may be home in April, or may stay a bit later.  Like you, I'm going nuts, but have been having a hard time actually pulling the trigger here.  I finally decided to try to set something up for next week, and while I'm sure I'll suffer some guilt, I figure it's better paying a pro for a slice of their time to deal with this rather than pursuing some affair to satisfy this all consuming itch that I'm suffering from.

...about fucking young ladies, well-built.

His wife: far away.
So, hard did he pray...

before sticking his in, to the hilt.

[Otherwise, he feared, it might wilt.]

...he'll see lots of ladies, some dear.

He'll get right on top
to have his first pop...

tnen follow up great, in their rear.

[He'll have a splendid career.]

-- Modified on 3/10/2007 6:06:13 AM

Quite gorgeous when not in her bodice?

She fears not of hell,

but writes very well

on topics some would call 'immodest'.

-----

Take that, SE.
Don't you have anything better to do on a Saturday?

eom

for much of human history, men have been indulging in the "hobby" - after all, they don't call it the "oldest profession" for nothing - and that it was an accepted (if not fully moral) fact of life for many people (especially those with means).

This is not meant to be a kind of "get out of jail free" card for those who might feel guilt or even regret (as another poster indicated, if you didn't at least feel some guilt, then you either don't really love your SO, or are somewhat pathological) - but in reading various historical accounts, men (and women) of means have kept concubines, mistresses, and visited houses of "ill-repute" since basically the beginning of recorded human history.  

I guess the thought to keep in mind is as I once overheard someone say, "I may lust after others and may even give into that lust every once in a while, but I reserve my affections only for my spouse".

It may not be the most noblest of thoughts (after all, you're still cheating), but I think this does help provide some bit of measuring stick to determine if your hobbying is mainly physical or if there is more involved.

My hobbying has enhanced my relationship with my wife in several ways.

Without us realizing it, our sex life had become less playful. We still had a 'healthy' (whatever that means) sex life, but some of the steam and intimacy had gone. Seeing a couple of very sexy and playful providers reminded me of what was missing and my sex life at home has become much more interesting, erotic, and intimate.

One provider I see regularly is particularly good at intuitively knowing what I need. I've been able to learn more from her about how to do that with my wife and be more attentive and giving. This doesn't mean that I was an inattentive, selfish bastard prior to hobbying. Actually, my wife's friends have always been jealous of our relationship.

My wife has always been reticent about talking about sex and seeing providers who are open about their sexual desires, needs, and fantasies has helped me understand my wife better.

For me, the key to this was to think a great deal about what I wanted from the hobby, and it wasn't just fun. I'm probably a little overboard in the self-relflection department, but I looked at the hobby as an opportunity to meet a few interesting people and learn more about myself; the fun wasn't on the top of the list. It's been an unexpected bonus that I've learned things that have enhanced my marriage.

Another key was to do the homework necessary to find the providers who could offer what I need in the area of openness and honesty. I was lucky to find an amazing young woman but only after reading hundreds of reviews and chatting with a few much more experienced hobbyists.

Last key for me has been to take each relationship with a provider for exactly what it is and appreciate it as such. If you think you may have problems respecting boundaries or managing attachments, then don't hobby.

Of course, if my wife knew about my hobbying, all that enhancement goes right out the window but that's a risk I knowingly assumed when I made the decision to hobby.

Again, I would stress that if you're going to feel guilty, you should not hobby.

-- Modified on 3/11/2007 6:50:04 AM

The best an adviser could be.

We don't need to dwell
on all she does well.

Her *website* is what we should see!

----

Just kidding, LG.

Nice try, BG.
But your 'godess' & 'immodest' don't quite rhyme.

-- Modified on 3/11/2007 8:52:07 AM

No problem, sexethicist,
please go to the Los Angeles discussion board and click on one of the banners. It will take you to my website.

Enjoy,
the Love Goddess

Bluntman, Appreciate your well-reasoned, unblunt & considerate thoughts.

But can't men have tender feelings [not just lust] for more than just their wives?

To say it must just be 'giving in to lust' seems & feels way too narrow to me even inhuman. Do you really mean that?

Thanks, LG.

I did go to the LA regional discussion board, but don't see any of the banners you mention.

Are you kidding, as
I was? Or could it be that only residents of Californica qualify?

Please advise, as, since you've kindly offered, I'd actually love to see your website, and suspect others would, too.

Hmmm...sexethicist,
maybe it's too ethical, LOL..
It's a rotating banner to the left of the discussion body (exactly where the banner is on the Erotic Highway) with a woman's face half-shaded, asking if "provider" or "hobbyist" needs counseling. You don't have to be a resident of California, anyone can see it. Since there are more than one banner sponsors, most likely the Cityvibe banner will come up...then another scantily clad lady...and then most likely the counseling banner. Click on it, and the website in question will come up. But, to save you some time, there is no photo of me on that website. Just a nice picture of the bamboo forest at Huntington Library in Pasadena.

Happy hunting,
the Love Goddess

Happy hunting,

LG, The *only* banner ad I see, or have ever seen, on any TER Board, is the little ad for The Erotic Review itself - "It's Nice to Share" and another rotating version of the 'scantily clad lady' you mention.

I don't think I have an active block-up blocker, though it's conceivable there's one somewhere within my Norton Internet Security program.  So, maybe that is the best explanation of this mystery.

Do you suppose you could post a link to your ad here on this Board?  Or, if that's against some TER policy, give me some Search terms I could use in google to find yours (along with others like it)?

I suspect I may not be the only one on your Board with a pop-up problem.  [No pun intended, of course.]

Thanks very much.





-- Modified on 3/11/2007 5:10:10 PM

eom



-- Modified on 3/11/2007 5:48:42 PM

I heartily agree, bostongreg. There is no reason at all that a well-adjusted person should not be able to have very deep feelings for more than one woman/man. after all, that was the norm for most of human history. It's only been in the last 300 years or so that we've pretended that one person should be 'mated' to only one other person for their entire adult life. That may work well for some people. Others may do well with serial monogamy. I've found that what works for me is a small number of deep relationships. It's a shame that our culture looks at this as some sort of perversion.

With me it depends on who I am thinking about. It is bound to happen as you reflect on the experiences of the past. Helps you relax and go to sleep at night and wake up early with a nice hard woody.

Boston Greg and Wormwood are spot on, imho.  It's entirely possible and not inappropriate to have such feelings.  About two years ago, I stumbled into an unusual situation in which I became fast friends with an attractive women, and we never went the distance or even got close because it was an impossible situation for both of us, yet at various times we both admitted there was a stong mutual attraction.  When I finally introduced the lady to my wife, with accurate explanations that it wasn't an affair but involved a certain amount of spending time together, she handled it well but thought it was "inappropriate."  Why?  Should couples be limited to hanging out with same sex buddies?  In this case, my friend snuffed out any incipient physical relationship, saying "it's not good for me and it's not good for you," even though we admitted we were both tempted, and she went her way, as was foreordained.  It was still fun, and no harm done, as the Cole Porter song says.  ("Thanks for the memories.").

although generally, I find that those tender feelings for multiple people tend to be more infatuations or crushes than actual feelings of love and affection.

My own personal history reveals that while there are many individuals who capture my interest and thoughts, those feelings tend to be mostly superficial when I am honest with myself.  I tend to believe that it's hard to have genuine affection for someone when you don't really know that person and after all, how much do you really know about "the other person" - the one that you are presumably having fun with, that is.  

As for your question, I don't believe there is anything wrong in giving into lust per se, as we all have natural urges that are what they are (although I don't think that inhuman would be the term that I would use to describe them).

I think that at the heart of this whole discussion is whether the original poster should feel guilty for indulging in the hobby because from all appearances, he loves his wife (and enjoys intimacy with her) and therefore should feel no reason to be with others.  My original response to that question is that humans have been doing just that for a very long time due to primarily biological desires and needs (again, not meant to be used as an excuse, but just a statement of fact).  

I guess the other unspoken component of this discussion is that while I treat everyone that I am with with respect and consideration, in the end, I am really only with that other person for one general reason and everything related to that relationship revolves solely around that one reason.  While we may converse during our sessions and have a lot of fun together, and even enjoy each other's company, I never forget that there is a very specific reason for us being together.  Yes, I do understand that this may come off a cold and clinical (which is not my intention), but the providers are there to "provide" a service.  This is why when we all do reviews, we use terms like "forgot it was a service", or "GFE" with an emphasis on the the word "experience" which equates to a simulation (i.e., it's not real).

Anyway, just my two cents.

I guess there are personal differences here.

Personally, I like to have sex only with ladies I feel I could come to like and admire, if I spent more time with them.

Decades ago, a fellow graduate student, studying psychology, gave me this advice: "Never have sex with anyone crazier than you!"

I felt, and still feel, that makes a lot of sense. Sex is inherently involving.  We men think we're pursuing it for just physical reasons - and then are surprised when we find ourselves becoming involved.  But our sexual behavior was probably designed by evolution to keep the man around long enough to help his girlfriend raise the resulting baby. (1-parent babies probably survived less well in our pre-history.) So emotional closeness tends to come with the cum.

I find I'm happier when I don't fight that, but accept it. It makes me feel not like less, but more of a man.

But this is in no way to denigrate those men who feel differently on this subject. I don't think quick consensual sex with no 'strings attached' is necessarily immoral or at all abnormal. Our ancestors probably had plenty of that, too (with some babies still surviving).  

I'm only saying that sex without being open to some potential friendship and closeness is not really my own preferred style.



-- Modified on 3/14/2007 4:46:30 AM

-- Modified on 3/14/2007 4:49:56 AM

The field of people who are not crazier than I am is pretty damn large!

Like you, I much prefer to combine sex with friendship/love. Love is just a way of describing attraction and, for me, the best sex is when there is a mutual attraction. That mutual attraction can become the basis for a uniqie relationship that doesn't have to be carried outside the confines of the hobby.

As you said earlier, when you don't have to worry about all the baggage that comes with a civvie relationship then, if the people are serious, a remarkable level of depth can result. Of course, everyone's MMV.

Navy definition:  Geographic Bachelor.  When separated from the wife by more than one ocean, or two TACAN stations. (Former for sailors, the latter for airdales!)

I would think by now, you have made a decision that you are not nuts, this is a normal feeling.
Just a bit of personal input, but I have been married for 36 years and hobbying for about 35 - and have not yet fallen on my sword.  I do love my wife, but have one helluva randy streak and a desire to seek out different forms of sexual contact - just me.  I see my wife as both lover and best friend, but she is not as driven as I am when it comes to doin the deed.

...to plant, very widely, your seed.
You take off your ring,
then do your own thing.
That's male biological creed.



-- Modified on 3/18/2007 7:24:05 PM

-- Modified on 3/19/2007 3:50:31 AM

-- Modified on 3/19/2007 6:42:21 PM