I have a dual purpose in this making post. One is to solicit the thoughts of our confidant and advisor the Love Goddess purely for myself for the present and the future. The other is to give all of us who frequent this board some cause to reflect upon the efficacy of opinions formed, of advice given, based upon a less than complete picture of a situation. This post may become a bit long-winded, so please bear with me.

I have debated with myself for weeks over whether to take Love Goddess, and some other faithful readers and commentators here, on a trip back a year in time with this post. The idea first ocurred to me three weeks ago while I was in a state of deep grief. (Well, actually, I still am. Writing things like this seems to help somewhat.) I have concluded that I should, because I think there may be a lesson or two to be learned.

Let me first state that I know it is against TER rules to "out" an alias. But in this case, where the owner of the alias and the username behind the alias is deceased and who was, in any event, banned from TER months before her death, I think that rule violation will be overlooked. And yes, it is also against the rules to discuss a banned provider, but in the case of this particular provider, that particular rule has been explicitly waived by Staff.

--- The Past

There was an interesting post and thread here on the Erotic Highway just over a year ago. Some of you might remember it. Here is the link:

http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=2488&boardID=20&page=

As some have no doubt guessed from my remarks so far, the author of that post was Miki (the Milf) ... and I am, of course, the gentleman to whom she referred in that post.

As many of you already knew, Miki passed away on August 17. For those who did not, here is a link to the announcement by me on the New York board. The thread which follows it, and the numerous other threads started by others on half a dozen different TER boards, not to mention the commentary on other forums and blogsites, are, I think, unique in the annals of this online hobby world. I imagine Love Goddess may be among those who were unaware, simply because of her extended absence from here visiting the Roof of the World.

http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=102285&boardID=2&page=

And here's another little post by me, a capsule summary of how things came to be between her and me.

http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=222058&boardID=12&page=

Now that the background is out of the way, and everyone knows more than they ever wanted to know about Miki and Hyabby ...

I was aware of her post on this board back then. I think that she may have written it as much for my benefit, her way of emphasizing a point with me and to me, as she did to seek advice here. I did not respond here, even under an alias, then or ever. I did respond in real life. (And FWIW, her alias was taken from the Liz Phair song of that title, a song which I introduced her to in our early days - before the Rubicon was crossed.)

While I might disagree with one or two minor points in what she wrote last August I will concede, for purposes of present discussion, that everything she wrote was true - at least the objective facts and her statements about her feelings. True and accurate but, of course, of necessity, incomplete.

The almost-unanimous opinion and advice to her of everyone who posted to that thread was to run, fast and far. Obviously, she did not follow that advice. I hold no grudge against Love Goddess or any who called me a cad and worse. Those were reasonable interpretations based upon what she wrote. And yet . . . .

Her management enterprise ended about two months after that post. She chose to end it because she hated it. She enjoyed providing, but she despised doing almost exclusively phone work and scheduling, dealing with sometimes less than reliable girls, and of course, she did fear the legal risks which Love Goddess pointed out. (And for anyone who might be wondering, it was she who chose to begin it months earlier - I did not suggest it and I had nothing to do with that decision, other than to support her in what she wanted to do.)

Through it all, our relationship grew stronger, our love grew deeper.

Perhaps there is a lesson here, along the lines of ... our advice, our opinions, our suggestions can only be as good as the data upon which they are based. Without a complete picture of the entire situation, we may err in our interpretations and suggestions.

--- The Future

My time with Miki - the year and a half before that little tantrum post of hers and the year after it - were the happiest years of my life. As for her, well I will not flatter myself by saying that they were the happiest of her _entire_ life, but they were surely the happiest of the final decade of her life. I know this not only from her and from what we shared during our time together, but also from many in this community who, over the last few weeks, have shared with me little things that she had said to them about me and her feelings toward me. (And, FWIW, from some totally outside of this community - for example, her mother!)

The grief, the sympathy, the love expressed by so many members of this community upon her passing have been a tremendous help to me. Even as I go about winding up her affairs, packing up the things which were a part of our life together and a part of her life as Miki (working with her family to do that - yes, weird but true - and as I try to shield them from certain aspects of her life as Miki that they do not really need to see), I still cannot accept or believe that she is gone. I know it intellectually and rationally, but emotionally, I just cannot believe or accept.

I will never, I can never, forget her. She will always be a part of me. She has changed my life dramatically and forever, from a wild, wanton, yes crazed, hobbyist into a man content to be a part of this community as the lover and partner of a woman who was a dynamic force within it. (Not exactly a one-woman-man mind you - she and I enjoyed playing with others frequently, and I would have the occasional daliance on my own.) But still, I am a vary different person from the Hyabby that was.

I will never return to the wild hobbyist of old - nor do I want to. Nor do I expect that anything like what she and I had together will ever come along again. It still amazes and astounds me that the deep love which we shared could grow out of this milieu. And yet it did. (Although over the last week I have become slightly less amazed ... but that is another story, and one which is not mine to tell.)

So I guess my present tense question to Love Goddess (who I hope and trust has changed her opinion of me from that of a year ago) about the future is: since I have no desire to return to the old life of Hyabby, since I have no intention of returning to the even older life of before Hyabby (which is still out there somewhere), and since I have no ability to re-create or find anew what I had with her ... where do I go from here? What should I be looking for (besides a good therapist)?

All opinions welcome.

Ego te absolvo, Hyabby,

..at least in terms of my "opinion" of you as a person. I never had one in the first place [since I had no clue who you were, and still don't.] I had an opinion on your actions as they were described in the posting, but other than that...who is Hyabby? What I did have, most definitely, was an opinion on what Miki the Milf should do, which was "run." This advice was based on her initial posting, and were a provider to post it today, my answer would still have been the same.

Now, as to you and what you should be "looking for," maybe that is just the problem. "Looking for" things when one is in an emotionally frail state - from grief, sorrow, regret, inability to accept that someone is gone - is a common self-administered remedy, but it is rarely effective.

In this case, my advice to you is this: take a step back, heal your psychic wounds, and DO NOTHING in particular. Healing is your personal task at this time; "looking," searching [to fill a void], trying to recreate, will all be futile. Your biggest obstacle at hand will be to accept that she is gone forever. Once that has happened, you will be able to grieve in peace and then construct a memory, an intact "shrine" in your heart, where she will forever reside.

We all grieve differently; you will need to find your own personal way of coming to terms with her death and your time on this earth together. This entails some mental effort and your brain chemicals need to "calm down" and not fire so intensely for that to happen.

As a last word, I may just say this: the world of paid sex is interesting from many aspects, but it may run short on deeper emotional content, mostly due to "natural" causes. 'Short term mating' was never intended to contain elements of deepened bonding; oftentimes, it is indeed a world of "fuck and run" by design. The fact that you were able to enjoy deepened emotions beyond the strictly physical can be attributed to the mysteries of mental attraction and "chemistry." I believe you will always cherish this and keep it locked deeply inside, like a precious gift.

Now about that therapist...that sounds like a plan,
the Love Goddess

the absolution. Although I agree with you that it was unnecessary. And perhaps it was presumptuous of me to seek it.

And thank you for the advice - I shall try to take it to heart.

Your final four words "sounds like a plan" make me wonder if you are psychic, as well as wise. That is a common enough expression in contemporary speech - we hear it often. But it was one of Miki's favorite expressions - I could not count the number of times I heard her utter that phrase.

Thank you,
Hyabby

Ahem.....I'm touched by the open heart feelings expressed by and to people who, I take it, have not met and will not meet.

I'm sorry this has happened to Hyabby, yet also happy it has.  Wow, what a thing to say.

Just find peace.

...Henry David Thoreau

Thanks for sharing more of this part of your life Hyabby. Don't forget that what a man thinks of himself is what determines his fate (another from HDT) so give yourself time time to look inward...

I am amazed as well......

but to be succinct..

as for the past we all take steps we wish we could retrace, even when they were first made with no intentionally detrimental forthought.  To come thru those together and stronger is what a relationship is build on.

The present... I can only hope it affords you  comfort to know there are some people who understand - at least from a periferal - view, what you shared with Miki.

The future.... we never know.. but we always try.

As a new friend recently told me,  "These are deep and unchartered waters."   All we can really want is to cross them.  Some people wade thru and some people swim with all their might.  Keep swimming.