I recently realized that my husband is using escorts - and has been for several years. Any thoughts on whether he will stop, as he has promised?  (I asked that he cancel his TER membership - and he said he did, and that the reviews he wrote would be removed - as I had asked. Instead I find that he changed his member name. Not exactly what I had hoped for.)

Dear hiswife,

Now isn't that the $64,000 question? If anyone else says s/he has an idea, then s/he is really dreaming. We don't know your husband, his motivations or his character in the least. Unless he steps forward and reveals his intention, anyone's prediction is just conjecture.

My advice to you is to seek couples counseling as soon as possible to engage in some real in-depth dialogue. Only then will you gain some clarity, primarily in your own decisions and actions.

Best of luck to you both,
The Love Goddess

The freedom and ability is a pleasure that once experienced is nearly impossible to let go of.

Perhaps some have gotten over it, but I'm willing to bet these guys are in the minority.

Which is one of my big issues - availablity, unlike an affair of the typical kind - their is no real ties, no jealousy, no demands on the man of the emotional nature.

Did you love your wife?  Did you feel guilty?  Did you stop for a while and then go back to it?

My husband says it was like an addiction, that he regretted doing it and tried to stop on numerous occasions... which again leads me to the belief that this is going to be a problem again.  

I appreciate your responses - and forthright answers.

Yes, no and yes (sort of).

It is an addiction of sorts, but so are many things that we do.  That alone does not damn the hobby.

I started to hobby before I was married.  I stopped when I go married but my wife withdrew sexually and I told her that I can not go on that way, so I went back to it.

I have no regrets at this time.

Hate to seem to the point, but he will probably quit if you give sexual satisafaction on a regular basis - if you do not, then he will continue.  How often do you initiate sex play? How often do you turn down or ignore or defer his efforts to get things going?   I think the majority of guys hobby because their wives quit and lost all interest at home, yet the guys don't want a divorce, they just want the sexual experience.  

If you want to be sure he quits, suprise him and wake him up 1 random day a week with a BJ - then your worries will be behind you.

Here is the real question. Why does he hobby... Because staying home is no longer exciting!
I'm married and I hobby. I do not get the sex I desire at home. I do not do the fun things with my wife I once did. It is always a Chore to Do anything.
The spontaneity is lost!. One needs to ask (both sides) can I love the one I'm with? As we age we become more set in our ways and it becomes more difficult because our lives now have different priorities. The question is can they be aligned?

Before the hobby I read an interesting article. Take the 30day sex challenge. Which is have sex with your partner every day for 30 straight days. Even if you are Mad, sad, tired, with Aunt flo, hot, cold or any other excuse you may come up with.  

Try it and if he agrees you may find hope.

....wear his ass out in the bedroom. He'll be so exhausted too even think about another woman much less go out with an escort.

Just my 0.02 pesos

should answer your question. If he can't quit browsing TER, he most likely won't quit seeing providers.

One question I think needs asking is how your life was prior to you finding out he was hobbying? If things were good, then why insist on a change?

In answer to one of your questions. I was active for a little over a year but circumstances have changed with my SO enough that I rarely feel tempted these days. Well, that's not true, I ALWAYS feel tempted but I rarely feel the compulsion I felt for a while.

The advice about putting your sex life into high gear is good advice. if you are a little older, there really isn't anything you can do about the desire of men to have sex with pretty young women, but you can do a lot to reduce the general level of horniness most of us have due to the imbalance in the levels of desire to have sex.

Agree with the general themes here
My wife, who I adore, is just not aware that she is not fullfilling me at home
I'm sure I'm also to blame - but there is also a generational issue. Woman today are different than my generation - and much more into sex and new things than I believe my generation. I say this because i use the hobby as a way to explore a side that was suppressed - LG probably loves that comment

Do what you can to get the excitement back in YOUR bedroom

When we had problems a lack of sex wasn't the cause of them, it was a result.

If we had sex much more often it wouldn't have solved the communication issues we were having.

I liked LG advice the best.

But that's just me.

tc

I do not know your husband's motivation.  I agree with LG that you & he & then jointly need couples counciling...  You will gain the clarity to decide what the situation really is, what you want & what you can live with.

Might I ask how you are sure that your husband has changed his TER user name?  & still reads the boards?
   
I am married.  DW has never initiated sex in over 20 years of marriage.  She is fine with no sex at all.  She will agree to sex if convenient & has a good time once she gets warmed up.  I care about sex & being a good lover...  while she doesn't care to try anything new or strive to improve her skills.  DW has become involved in many great causes & activities...  which keep her out of the house & unavailable to me.  When we're both home we watch TV or log on in separate rooms.  

You BOTH need to look inward to your communication with each other & spend some time together.  The various sex challenges...  I think one was a year...  would be a consideration but only if accompanied by a willingness (by both parties) to try new things.

If this does not work, you want to be able to look back & say I tried everything.  
skb

I have tried to quite at various times. Tried to justify it as learning to be a better lover, which I have become. My wife and I get busy several times a week now, but I still find myself searching through here.  At one point it was the sex that kept me coming back, but now I think it may be the companionship that goes beyond the physical. Maybe it is the non-judgmental attitude or just the fact that I can't talk my wife into trimming the bush and I really like to dine down there, but who knows. Maybe it is that I can actually share a thought and not worry about everyone in our home town knowing about it.  I need therapy.

Well, there is a comradery here.  I'm usually on here often but only "play" once a month or 2.

I think it is a good point about keeping the bush trimmed.  Wish my SO would.  I prefer a soft kitty, not shaved but short enough that it's not in the way.  

I think you'd be surprised.  I'm a 50s guy...  & my favorite ladies are 49 & 50s...  Not stunners but well cared for "attractive".  What draws me to them?  They are good at what they do.  They make me a better lover.   They flirt & tease & seduce.  They want to be there.  They pace sex...  to include giving & recieving instead of "I'm too tired so get it over with."  My Favorites do indeed give friendship & companionship.  We always include time spent lieing together just enjoying the organics of 2 sweaty bodies, hearts pounding in rythym together as we come down.  I do not put this here to make your jealous.  I have felt this with my wife...  I want you to picture YOUR SELF & YOUR HUSBAND thus.  If you can not picture it, then perhaps that is part of the problem.  

If you want to keep him at home, then you need be his LOVER.  

This does not discount the need for counciling & communication...  which will make this work.  
Wishing you the best.
skb

I wanted to say thank you to those that responded to my question -- I read and thought about the answers you all gave and have to admit that nearly all of them had some insight to my relationship with my husband. After getting through the last couple weeks of anger and disgust and hurt - I realized that more than anything I adore my husband, and he is a good man, a wonderful husband and father.. he has treated me with love and caring for nearly 20 years - he allowed me to stay home and raise my childern and our child and worked his hardest to give us a wonderful life.  I admittedly have gotten lazy about showing him just how much he means to me - and lost interest in our sex life. Yesterday I saw that he had canceled his TER account and had all of the reviews deleted. I can't say how much that helped.. but I also read a bit about forgiveness - and more than anything else - I forgave him, I accept that I need to be an active participant in our relationship and not take for granted that he will be there.  

Anyway... now I am going to delete my account.. and get on with my life - and love my husband.  I wish all of you the best in what ever you are looking for - thanks again for listening and responding.  You all may have helped save my marriage.

more wives would want sex from their SO IF he  treated her better outside of the bedroom!

My ex always expected me to turn it on in the bedroom at the end of the day.  He was a jerk to me all day and then you want me to be loving with you? WTF. LOVEmaking starts early in the day and continues into the bedroom.

He won't quit, it's an addiction.

I agree - I think most women feel like sex is an act of love, not relief, exercise, or a hobby.. but it works both ways - we as women need to fufill our husbands needs as an act of love, and men need to remember that letting his wife know she is beautiful - and that he loves her emotionally, there's no bigger turn on than the look of real love and desire in your husband's eye...

Naughtyxnature,
You are absolutely right that proper caring, affection, interaction starts in the morning...  & carries into the bedroom.  
My ex treated me like crap, all day every day, used me as her piggy bank...  I thought if I was nicer I could win her back.  It did not!  She had decided that she no longer wanted to be married to me...  after she bankrupted me & drove me out with her running around.  I never looked at another woman.  (I never went outside until 20+ years later.)  I know that she "no longer wanted to be married to me" because that is what she told the councilor.  

So the proper behaviour on both sides must be willing to do 60 /60.  Because 50% / 50% is not enough & everyone thinks they do more than half.  But if the couple both put the other first & want it to be, then it will.  

But the bedroom...  and other couple intimate times...  should be a priority.  

And Yes, It takes 2 to tango.  Her efforts will be in vain unless HE also is willng to put the effort into it.
skb

isn't enough. Sometimes hysterectomies and menopause can't be overcome with washing the dishes and flowers.