So...I've seen a few ladies...I have one unapproved review and just can't seem to go as far with the details to get it approved, mostly since the session was low-key and there's just nothing too interesting to mention except that I was quite happy with the turnout..

And...just recently I tried to set up something with someone very well-established and sought-after.  It didn't work out, and I felt like crap and felt like a jerk, since it was 98% my fault.  I knew she was special upon discovering her reviews, but then one night there was a situation that opened my eyes even more to her!

She has been quite gracious...and I do appreciate and admire her for what she does.  "The Profession", as it were is a very brave and HUGE undertaking, not to be thought of lightly by either party, provider or client.

I have a habit/problem of worrying/caring too much.  I make mistakes, try to fix them, sometimes it works, others not.  And mostly when I make a mistake, I'm very hard on myself.  I really do try too hard.  All I want is to be understood here, to not have my words be taken out of context.

Is it wrong to feel that way here, in this community?

I am a shy person by nature.  And at times I feel so intimidated by the whole "business" aspect of things.  I don't like that I feel that way.  Is it normal?  Has anyone else felt this?  

In all honesty, I probably get more nervous calling a provider (even to confirm an appt) than the prospect of LE!  

It's hard to leave voicemails for a lot of reasons.  Mainly, having to leave a message says she's busy, so will she actually find the time to call back?  Then there's the added pressure (for me) to make the message interesting, so she either remembers to call back or is excited enough to call back or both!  Also, I feel like I'm pestering someone if I call back multiple times over the course of a few hours.  What a puzzling conundrum.  

"Try another provider," one might say..  Yes.  Good idea, but it has been my luck that when I find another one I'm interested in, she's busy too and so on and so on.

I am sensitive to a lot of things when it comes to respect and rights and so forth, especially when it comes to women.  I don't want to see anyone hurt, and I have no desire to hurt anyone, EVER.  I want any provider I am with to have the same trust and respect from me that I would have from them.

It's a very interesting feeling right now, this mix of wonder, stupidity, confusion and just utter loneliness.  

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP!

Dear blueboy445,

Thank you for your eloquent description of your issues. They have very little to do with the hobbyist world in general, and much more with characterological issues in particular.

You say: "I have a habit/problem of worrying/caring too much.  I make mistakes, try to fix them, sometimes it works, others not.  And mostly when I make a mistake, I'm very hard on myself.  I really do try too hard.  All I want is to be understood here, to not have my words be taken out of context."

And finally, you ask for HELP. Well, the best help I can give you is to visit with a mental health professional for a clinical assessment of your mood. You could have low-grade depression, or you could have GAD - generalized anxiety disorder. Or, you could just be shy. Shyness is inherited and manifests itself strongly in childhood. Many adult individuals carry residual shyness which impairs their ability to assert themselves socially. In a country like, say Japan, that's not so much of a problem. But in a culture where individualism, competition and assertion reign, shy, withdrawn or sensitive people can be at a disadvantage.

None of that is "wrong to feel in this community." None of that is wrong anywhere, really. But in a razorsharp environment like American society, it may just not be as functional. Again, if you lived on a traditional South Sea faraway island, you probably wouldn't notice any of these things.

Another aspect is that you are dealing with COMMERCIAL SEX. It's really the same thing as dealing with any activity that is largely based on commerce. Ask me how I felt the first time I attended a real Hollywood industry party?!? As a respected mental health professional, I do carry my own weight, but I felt quite marginalized by people who decided I wasn't worth talking to because I brought nothing to their opportunistic endeavors. Fortunately, I have my friends and colleagues where respect and approbation abound. If you are successful at what you do [see, again, there's the American success-element], then who cares about this little sliver of society?

Go see a therapist if you feel like things are "your fault" at all times. If not - then understand that this is a fucking business that by nature leaves little room for sensitivity and "understanding," save for the many sweet providers who also grapple with the same issues.

Final thought - I do hope you have friends outside the sex industry. Loneliness was never cured by paying for sex.

Reasons Greetings,
The Love Goddess

hmmmm....never thought of the anxiety disorder angle..  and really all i needed was some sleep.

most of your response helped.  I do have to say though that feelings and emotion will still be in play.  I honestly can't see how they can't.  the REAL issue with it all is not letting them dominate.  *wink*

the providers are still women and they demand respect, and that is what I shall give them, anxiety be damned!

And of course I have friends!  But I can't get EVERYTHING from THEM now, can I?  I can be with them and still feel lonely.  

You're right.  Paying for someone's time can't "cure" that, but it does help.

The worrying and caring too much, well, I get that from my mother.  I try very hard to stay positive, and overlook things, forgive people right away when I should be angry at them, and I'm a very patient person.  

But with the situation I described, and having put the hopes up too high and the blinders on, there's gonna be something like what happened last night.  A couple of drinks and...

But thank you for taking the time to respond like that!  I didn't expect an analysis!  Quite honestly I'm not sure what I expected...I just had to get it all out.  Perhaps next time I'll save it for a blog.  

Could you give us a little more detailed description of something you said or did with a provider (or really anyone for that matter) that made you feel this way or manifest this anxiety or bad feelings you are experiencing?

Try writing a script for your voicemail messages. Practice it, edit it, read it if you have to over the phone.

Keep it simple and businesslike. You just want to make arrangements for her time.

...by taking these ladies down off of the pedestal that you have put them on. Yes, they deserve your respect but so does every woman and every living thing for that matter.  Don't blind yourself to the realities of what you are doing-paying for sex-by romanticizing the event and the women who are involved in it.

There is an awful lot of vagueness in your post that I frankly don't have the patience to try and sort out but one thing I will comment on is your reluctance to leave a message.  Most providers never answer their phone.  They EXPECT you to leave a message. It is actually the beginning of the screening process for many of them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a sensitive and caring human being.  It will serve you well in life and in the hobby but you have to come to grips with the reality here.  What you are engaging in when you see an escort is as much business as it is pleasure depending on which side of the envelope you are on.  

Some of my best friends have turned out to be women I met by hiring them for sex. There are some truly great women involved in escorting to be sure but you can never lose sight of why they do what they do.

there are several points in your post that resonate really stongly with my situation.

if you look at the Myers-Briggs personality types i wonder if you're not an INFP? i am. being sensitive and needing to heal situations are typical INFP traits.

i've written only 11 reviews but seen 12 additional ladies who were willing to provide companionship but i just became impossibly shy and withdrawn. the reviews would have been too boring to bother writing.

if something goes wrong, whether it is my fault or not i try to fix it. my need to make a situation better, heal a situation if you will is something i need to watch. it can be mistaken for something else and look "creepy". it needs to be managed and controlled. i constantly need to reassure folks that my desire to please _all_ concerned and fix problems is not intrusive nor is it submissive.

INFPs just being themselves can get mistaken for a puppy, a doormat or a stalker. we are none of the above but we need to know how we can be misunderstood and manage misperceptions proactively.

voice mail is problematic. i can leave one. if i don't get a response back in a reasonable time i find it very difficult to leave a second voice mail. that has been misinterpreted by repeat friends as my being angry or demanding when it is actually a desire to be less intrusive: why clutter the inbox with another voice mail?

LG's points about these issues being difficult to deal with in a competitive society are spot on. i've gradually adapted. i can pull off enough assertiveness to defend turf but it is somewhat unnatural theater. my heart is certainly not in it, i do it because it seems necessary to protect myself and my interests.

in Asia where social harmony is more important, the prime management skill is to be sensitive to the inputs of others and find a way to harmonize conflicts. an INFP with some social assurance would be prime CEO material in Japan but not here.

here you need to find a way to make the INFP strengths work for you. find roles where cooperativeness is a competitive advantage. it is difficult but not impossible. a therapist can help. so can learning on your own.



-- Modified on 12/26/2009 8:32:58 AM

If you have problems leaving a message, use email. Many ladies actually prefer email. I know it's not personal, but I use both email and the phone,for initial contacts. Both work fine for me. Good luck