Should I be concerned? My SO recently caught see looking at another woman, as she has many times before, but instead of teasing me like normal she asked if I would like to do her. I jokingly said yes. She then told me that wile she would not tolerate a civie relationship if I wanted I could see a pro. This caught me really off guard. She explained the men have a natural need to explore. She then set forth the rules. They are:
1. No more then one date a week.
2. I can not see the same lady more then once every two months
3. Ladies must be paid only out of the budgeted money set for my entertainment, hobbies and whims. About $ 1500 a month same a hers.
4. All ladies must be well reviewed and approved buy her. (She says so she knows I am not going to be busted.)
5. I can not turn her down for sex and see a lady that month.
6. I must were a cover when with the pro.
7. I must get tested for std monthly with my fun money.
8. I must keep it secret from everyone else, but must answer all her questions truthfully.
9. No date longer that two hours.
10. No gifts for the pros.

She had this all in writing before she even stared this exchange. She then when got home set me up with my first date and told me the first date is on her. I had a great time. This took me off-guard.We have a good sex life, two or three times a week, and I have never cheated on her until she set it up and paid for it. When I asked why she was going to let me see pros say said, "I want you to live life to the fullest and keep you with me." I love my wife. I am concerned why any woman would encourage there man to play with other women. Should I be concerned about this sudden willingness to share? Nothing has changed sense that night with that lady she payed for. Thanks                
modified for grammar and spelling errors  
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-- Modified on 5/20/2010 2:46:38 PM

Dear scoed,

I suppose most men on this site would cheer your situation and ask you not to look a gifthorse in the mouth, so to speak. And yet, I can understand your concern.

Unfortunately no one can predict what's going to happen in this situation. Your wife may be satisfied with the level of control she is exerting by setting these parameters; in addition, she may truly believe in her dictum regarding living life to the fullest. And as long as she is happy and you are happy, that's all that matters, isn't it?

My advice to you is to enjoy it while it lasts. Your wife has presented you with an interesting opportunity and you should definitely honor her for doing so. By the same token, it's never good to do something just because you feel forced or obligated. In addition, if you suspect that your wife has ulterior motives, then you will need to speak to her about it. Above all, since she has specified the conditions, you will need to adhere to them - or quit. And of course, you understand that the day your wife decides to withdraw her generosity of spirit, then no more playing for you - or you'll cut your own throat, so to speak.

If you could, please come back on this board in a year or so to report your status at that time. I for one find this FASCINATING and can't wait to hear more as time goes on.

Give'm enough rope and maybe they won't hang themselves,
The Love Goddess

Wile I was fixing some of my grammar errors, my wife came in and red my post. She told me it turned her on to think of me doing other women. She also said that she trust me and that She knows that I love her. I told her about the review of my encounter with the escort she picked for me. She insisted that we recreate the date. It was even better that with the pro. I then with her encouragement book anther date with anther provider. I hope this don't blow up in my face, but if it don't I am the luckiest man ever.

When something is too good to be true, there's usually more to the story than appears on the surface.  The fact that she had the document with conditions already prepared means that something is up.  And if I were to venture a guess, I'd say you're about to learn the meaning of quid pro quo.

Maybe she had an affair and found it an uplifting experience and wants you to have that same sort of feeling, but on a controlled basis.  Or maybe she's going to let you run to the end of the leash she just put you on, and then you'll find out what happens when you get snapped back.

Since it sounds like this isn't typical behavior in your relationship, I think you should proceed very carefully until you discover the back story on her sudden generosity.  The pragmatist in me tells me that she wants something, or something is about to happen, because this is about as unwifely as it gets.  And I can't imagine she just dreamed this up out of the goodness of her heart.

She could be giving you license to fuck in order to reduce her guilt over something she has done, or intends to do in the near future.  Or there could be some great big thing that she's softening you up for before she drops it on you.  In any case, this would scare the crap out of me because things are never what they seem on the surface when dealing with women in relationships.  I think this situation was covered well in the Godfather- "Some day I will ask you for a favor...  You might want to watch that movie again to see how well it worked out for the guys getting the favor.

The thing that worries me is that she's going to completely own your balls, even more than most wives do.  She's given you what appears to be a great gift, but it also comes with complete control over you- her game, her rules, her balls.  Only time will tell, and I hope you'll tell too when the other shoe finally drops.

I am worried about all the things you wrote about. I love my wife. I do trust her, but it is not a normal wife like thing to do. I do not know how I would take it if I found out she was cheating on me so she did this to make her feel better. I would die inside if she left me or I found out I am not enough for her and she need side action. She is enough for me. I only book my first date with her encouragement. The second date ,booked today,also was booked with her encouragement. It is a couples date with me and her. Anther fear is that she already thinks I am cheating. Witch I was not. So she came up with a plan to take control. This would hurt as much as if I found out she was cheating because I need her to know I would never intentionally hurt or betray her. She seems fine with this agreement. Hell she made it happen. When I ask her about it she talks about how men love to explore and she does not want me to be denied that, How I should be living life to the fullest, And about how turned on she get when she thinks of me with other women. I believe this last part because when we were dating she would encourage me to talk about past sexual experiences. She really seems fine with my first encounter. I hope this does come out to kick me in the rear if/when the other shoe drops. As for her owning my balls, she has owned them sense before we married. On the plus side I get to play and when she read my review she insisted that we recreate that date and we had our best sex in over a month. If this has ever worked for anyone please let me know as something still bothers me about this.

She has an angle...  no question in my mind.  What is her angle?  Is it that she gets to recreate the scene?  I can not answer that.  I'm not sure if you can at this point.  

I'm with LG...  come back when you find out.

Best Wishes,
skb

In my opinion, doing SANCTIONED extramarital sex within boundaries set in mutual trust, respect and love is FAR preferable to fucking around on your wife and hoping you don't get caught (with an expensive trip to divorce court and therapists). Yet the latter is de rigeur here- in fact, the hobby would be a LOT less lucrative for ladies without cheating husbands.



-- Modified on 5/20/2010 6:52:22 PM

Interesting, indeed.  I'm in a similar situation.  What I do with "my" funds is my business.  My spouse has affirmed to me it's okay to be with a professional.  She does not, however, want to know any details.  An "affair," however, would not be acceptable.  It's all about to whom one comes home at the end of the day.  But...what's good for the goose is good for the gander.  If that bothers you, you may wish to return to status quo ante ...if that's even possible.  Once Pandora's box is open -- what is done cannot be undone.

It would bother me if she cheated on me but the lies would kill me. If she wanted to play, and if it was just sex, I could cope if that was all it was. If it was more than sex like an real full grown affair with an emotional base that I don't think I could deal with. The lies would destroy my trust in her. The same trust that make any relationship work. We are going on a sex date with a provider tomorrow together and she plans on girl on girl on me action.(She swung both ways in collage.)I can deal with the sex part of cheating but not the rest. How has it worked with your wife and hobby? Has it damaged you marriage even with the fact she has given you permission? Thanks.      

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In addition to everything else that's been said, that just seems odd. How does your wife know about reviews? How did your wife get you screened to see the provider? Did she pretend to be you? I would think if she said she was doing this for her husband any escort would run for the hills.

I did the contacting of the escort and the actual choosing she just approved of the choice after I made it. As for how she knew about reviews, before I met her she used to strip. And she even told me from time to time she would work with a friend that was an escort. That is how she paid for collage. She has always been a very kinky and creative in bedroom. She knows a lot about the hobby because she used to dabble as a part time provider herself.

When I was younger in college and after, I was into the fetish/swing scene.  I found that anytime I opened my soul and revealed this to a women, friend, love interest, or later my wife, it worked like a snake charmer.  After a while, when the seed was planted, they would always coyly ask me about my experiences.  Some wanted to hear the erotic tales (then masturbate to the fantasy), ;P others wanted to role play, one of my long time friends introduced me to this sweet southern bell that I dated then one night while sitting between them in the car, my friend asked me about my past experience with two women ... naturally I was hesitant because I really liked my date AND my friend, but she insisted (geez, with all the blood sucked out of my brain, I didn't realize that THEY HAD PRE-PLANNED this!), so we discussed a threesome with me and them. They started to verbally fight over me which felt great considering the circumstance when my friend yelled like a football coach, "fucking is not a spectator sport, you don't just sit and watch, you participate!" I settled it as any good QB would; I pulled them into a "huddle" and said you start at my head, you start at my feet, and whomever gets to the goal line first gets to do the end zone dance.  What a day that was! Sorry, back to the reply... Years later, after asking about my past fun, my wife asked if I would take her to an adult club where, of course, she ended up having more fun than me, but the hot sex and fantasies at home were well worth the experience.  She started to point out good looking girls everywhere we went. She became my best wingman ever.  Her angle was the fantasy and experimentation since she was bi-curious. We even found out our mutual friends were swingers! What wild pool parties we had!  So, enjoy it while you can!  ˜8°)

I'd hardly call the two situations comparable.  

As someone who has been divorced for 26 years, I know I'm probably in the minority on TER.  And frankly, I can't say whether I'd see providers if i were still married or not.  But I do think the long term risk to the health of the marriage is far greater by opening it up to sanctioned (by the wife) extramarital sex with providers, as opposed to discrete and private sessions with providers that don't fundamentally alter the nature of the relationship.

My reason for saying that is I'm old enough to remember couples in the late 1960's to 1970's that tried having open marriages.  I was even asked to fuck a guy's wife by one couple, and I obliged their request. It all seemed so evolved and open-minded, what could go wrong.  Well, everything.  All those couples I knew, and even hung out with, ended up getting divorced within five years.

People get divorced for lots of reasons, and you could argue that maybe they would have anyway, but I do know that none of their marriages was every the same after they decided to go outside as a couple.  Inevitably, there are inequities and someone is going to get jealous or hurt.  But even if they don't, the focus is shifted away from the person you love, as it should be in a marriage, in favor of someone you're just interested in fucking.  And unlike secretly seeing providers, there are no practical ways to set boundaries.  

Whatever is going on with this couple, and even if the wife's intentions are as stated, I sincerely doubt that they will emerge with a stronger marriage.  And how will they ever come back from this if the wife decides she's had enough fun with this voyeuristic experiment?

In the far more likely scenario that the wife's intentions have not fully been revealed, none of us can predict how this will end up.

I would give it up. I am not as excited by the the deal to let it continue if I see it is hurting her. I still don't really get why she brought it up at all. I am taking it really slow. I am not going on as many dates as she would allow. I have only been one one date in the month she let me play. Tonight will be the second and she will be joining in. I don't want to lose her. I do love her. My head is saying it could work but asks why is she letting me. My heart is saying she would never hurt me but is scared of hurting her. My little head is saying "It's party time." I have a great deal mixed feelings. Sometimes I wish she never brought it up. But part of me is very turned on. I wish I really knew what is going on in her head. I am concerned about my marriage no matter what I do at this point. I kind of feel trapped because she seems to want this and part of me does to. I to no of bad relationship that went south do to open and not so open sexual relations outside of marriage. This whole thing came out of left field and caught me off-guard.

I say go for it!

There is nothing wrong with your wife, no angles, no scheming, none of that. Would you rather lie to her whenever you want to hobby, or would you rather her be just as sexy and honest as she is trying to be with you?

She wants you to be happy, she wants you to experience OTHER WOMEN. Please do not demonize her thoughts, her sexiness, or her uninhibited attitude.

You are one in a million Mama!


I do not nor will I ever believe in lifetime monogamy, it is not possible. Someone some where down the road is going to want to and then act out on seeking the physical gratification of another person.

I wonder if she would want to join you in one of your sessions and get it on with a provider......would you be as open to that?

That is the plan later on today. She is much more sexually open than me. I am the one that seems to have the the hang-ups with it. Allure thanks for the PM's. They made me feel less worried about playing.

She used to be a stripper, had a lot of experience, and she felt like her husband could use some variety. The difference was that they went on CL to find a live-in "second wife". They did a couple of those, and it didn't work out. Although the wife was the one that insisted on it (and she is very open minded) some resentment and jealousy eventually evolved. It didn't get to the point where they split up, but it got to the point where they reconsidered the whole thing.

Not exactly the same as your situation, but even though the wife thought she could deal with what she had initiated, it turned out she couldn't. I hope it works out for you. If she is truly open minded and can deal with it, you've got it made!

After my ex busted me twice, she seemingly accepted my hobbying for a few years.  She even joined in a threesome on a couple of occasions.

Then she lowered the boom and served me with papers.  The hobbying which I never bothered to hide from her gave her a lot of ammo in court to extract the maximum from me.

Maybe your situataion is different.  I certainly hope so but there's an old saying that goes:

Anything that looks too good to be true, probably isn't.

Here's hoping that you beat the odds.

even if well-intentioned ones.  And in the case of LG, trained in the field.  But we're all just responding to what you told us in a post, and that's not enough information to really know what's going on.

My experience in the past with open marriages is when a husband and a wife become partners in externally directed sexual adventures, they establish a pattern of looking outside the relationship for their satisfaction rather than to each other.

The focus becomes external to the relationship and they spend their time thinking about hook-ups with outsiders, rather than looking inward at strengthening the bond between them and satisfying their partner.

My wife and I actually did this (swap partners with a married couple) one time and we both quickly reached the same conclusion- it was fun, but it would eventually result in us separating.

I hope it works out for you and that all the concerns expressed here are unfounded.

I am just saying that is how it sounds

good luck!

Two things:
First, her main motive may not have much to do with you - she may be wanting to have sex with other women. How would you feel if she develops genuine feelings for another woman?

Second, it is realistic to think that your hobbying can and will be used against you in a divorce, even if it was her idea in the first place, and even if she herself does not have this as any kibdof underlying motive right now.

Adultery and lying about your sex life and finances is "private" and doesn't "alter the nature of the relationship"? Have you considered asking a married woman about whether she'd agree with your formulation?

First, NO DAMAGE.  If anything, I appreciate my spouse more than ever.  And, she knows without questions where my allegiance is.  Sex is one thing.  Love, history, intertwining of life is totally another thing.  Again, it gets back to whose bed do you sleep in at the end of the day.  There is no one else with whom I want to grow so old that I'm translucent.  My spouse is definitely not bi-curious.  We've discussed swinging; and, have even gone out and met another couple -- who were not a match.  She is curious about swinging...and, given the right circumstances, she would.  Lies will kill a relationship.  Very true.  But, it's NOT CHEATING when permission is granted.  Does this help?? It's just my story; that's all.

if the unusual never happened, and if it were always made up then everyone would be average and identical. there is nothing you can make up that hasn't happened except violations of the laws of physics, etc.

i find it a fascinating story and look forward to hearing the outcome.

what's fun and a turn on now can be a weapon later.

The other shoe has dropped. After my wife and I had our little date with a provider, at witch I know she had more fun than I did, she told me she needed to talk. She told me about a time two months ago when a old collage friend came to town, who is still in the hobby as a escort, how her friend talked her into doing a two girl date with a client. She went on about the guilt she felt after. This list was her way to even the score. She then added the in her experience all guys cheat sooner or latter and she wanted to control how I cheated. I am so very hurt. I am devastated by the lies. I never thought she could lie to me for months wile acting normal. I still love her and am not going to leave her. The lies are what stung. I knew she had bi leanings but had her join me anyway, so it is not the sex. The fact that she thought I would cheat on her without her blessing just add more pain. At leased it was just a one time thing after a few drinks. If she got caught I would be the one how went to jail. I don't know how to regain my trust in her. I love her and don't want to hurt her. I don't know what to do to fix this. I know I hurt her last night when I left and didn't come home last night but I was so angry and hurt I knew I would say or do something stupid. I am going to go home now to face my wife and to work things out. Too all the guys who warned me something was not on the up and up you were right. Now to go face her and my own demons.    

-- Modified on 5/22/2010 7:52:18 AM

Forgive. Forget.

Her expectation that you would have episodes on the side do not necessarily reflect "distrust" in you. Nowadays 40% of couples experience affairs on one side or the other. Statistics set up expectations.

It is common for someone in any kind of an interest or hobby to get a friend interested too. In this case, there was the additional element of thrill and curiosity in pursuing something in taboo-ed space.

When someone keeps a secret and goes to lengths to protect the secret, one should not consider it "lying"; sometimes one keeps something secret not wanting to hurt others by divulging the secret.

There is no benefit in framing the incident as an issue of truthfulnesss/honesty, trust, ethics, morality or fulfilling the marriage-contract obligation.

These episodes are an opportunity to learn more about each other and find ways to bring into the couple-life the thrill, adventure, surprise or whatever one is seeking in an excursion outside the couple-life.

Please be thankful and grateful to your wife for letting you know of her own episode.

I predict you and your wife are about to have some very difficult discussions because I think this incident is most likely indicative of some major underlying feelings that have not been shared with you.  Whatever they are, they need to be explored with the help of a professional or else you might not be able to save the marriage.  Expect more surprises to be revealed by your wife and deal with them as constructively as you're able to do.

I'm really sorry things turned out this way.  Hopefully, you can put the pieces back together again into something better than what you had before.  Best of luck to you.

Your wife is trying to minimize your feelings right now. When you see a couples therapist together with her, the therapist won't let her get away with it. He/she will say that it will take time for you to work through your feelings of betrayal and hurt, and your wife will need to understand this, and not imply that you should just "get over it" so that you can work on other issues together.

When someone keeps a secret and goes to lengths to protect the secret, one should not consider it "lying"


WTF?

-tessen

A lie is an untrue assertion expressed as truth.

A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others.

Also see http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lie

A liar is a person who is lying, who has previously lied, or who tends by nature to lie repeatedly - even when not necessary.

"Maintaining a secret, e.g. for preserving privacy, or time-shifting disclosure, e.g. to dislose when the listener is in an emotional state conducive to understanding" is something all of us do all the time. Whether our time-shifting of disclosure is best for our relationship management is an open question and a matter of judgment. Sometimes our judgment is wrong. That does not make our timeshifting of the disclosure necessarily an act of deception with the intent of defraud.

In the case under discussion, whether there was mal-intent of timeshifting disclosure is not all that clear. So one starts making assumptions;
my comment above suggests a pragmatic path forward - it is counterproductive to make adverse or negative assumptions about the intent of timeshifting disclosure.

My wife and I had a long talk yesterday. She apologized and I could tell she meant it. It is real hard to stay mad when you see someone you love hurting and crying because of the guilt over what she has done to you. I still feel really hurt and betrayed but I still love her and can't stand to she her hurting. When I left she did not think I was coming back she was fearful that she lost me. We came up with a plan to work though this. First we agreed that we need help working this mess out, so we are going to get some couples therapy. I thought it would be a good idea to start going on dates like we did before we got married. That way we would have a set time to be alone to enjoy each others company and to rebuild the relationship. I don't know how I am going to overcome my feelings of mistrust and hurt I have when I look at her, but I know I must because I love her with all my heart. I also decided not to take her up on her offer to see providers as I was only offered in my thinking to reduce her guilt and may do more damage to a already damaged relationship. We also agreed to keep the sexual part of the marriage the same between us. This may have backfired as to make things worse I had my first case of ED. I could see that it scared her as it did me. I just could not get into sex. This is so messed-up. To all of you who posted to help thanks the warnings and advise helped. Thanks. GoodTimingMan, it is not cool to poke fun of someone's pain and call someones wife wife a provider even there was some truth to it. It is not funny or called for. There is real feelings and pain here. I would never make light of fresh problem in your life.

Stopping the lies is a great first step.  I do not know if it's possible to move forward from here on your own.  I would suggest couples therapy.  You each must decide what you want from your life (& she from hers.)  Then see if they can be compatable.  

I do not have any answers & this certainly will not be easy.  If you both want the same things, it may be possible to emerge stronger than ever.  
If not, you'll have grown & know for sure you have done the right thing.
Sincere Best Wishes, skb