L.G.
I have had an ATF for three years and have not been with   anyone else.She just does it for me.I feel  if I see another provider she won't even get close to my ATF.Problem is when we met she was below the radar- now she is full time pro and gets 9s& 10s.I never wanted to share her,I guess I fell in love with her and was selfish.Now she won't return my calls or e-mails.She probably feels she hurt me and can't face me.I;m not sure.I am mad at myself for falling for her and feel like an idiot to have expressed my feelings for her.What do you think I should do?

do what micky dora does best-surf malibu and scowl @the establishment.  Another atf will fall into your lap - if you keep searching

Dear micky dora,

This is a perennial issue that crops up on several discussion boards here on TER. First of all, I would advise you to do a search under messages posted during the last 200 days on this very board. You will find plenty of posters with various ATF stories - some great, others sad. Please read them and reflect upon what others have said and done. Extremely illuminating and quite instructive in the long run.

One thing I can state, for your comfort and peace of mind, is this: Your behavior was not "selfish," it was "normal." You fell in love and you expressed it. She also exhibited behavior fairly normal and predictable for anyone who is the unintended object of someone's affection, provider or not - she pulled back. Most likely because she was not able to return the feelings of attraction you felt for her.

Whether she feels that she hurt you and can't face you, we'll never really know. What we do know is that you now "feel like an idiot to have expressed [] feelings for her."

What should you do? There is no need for the feelings above. You may stop right now. The question is, are you in the habit of continuing to pine away for someone who doesn't return your feelings of attraction/adoration/lust?

If you can, please treat this as a temporary bacillus of the heart, and then move on. I sincerely hope this wasn't the first time you were bitten by "the lust bug." If you are an adult, you probably have some remedies in your mental and emotional arsenal. Surfing? Sure, why not? Golfing? Different provider? In any case, time heals all wounds. And maybe someone else needs to lick them to make you feel better.

Those four words again - it will go away,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/8/2006 6:51:44 PM

Hey Micky:  In my opinion, a person is never an idiot for expressing feelings like the ones you have described.  If the feelings are real, it would be impossible not to express them.  I am amazed it doesn't happen more often than it even does, and it appears to happen a lot, based on the fact it is such a common topic here on the Highway.  Don't feel bad about expressing your feelings in this case, or about having them in the first place.  

There was something going on in the relationship and inside you that made you want to say something about your feelings, and it would have felt miserable over time to just try to hold it in, and the relationship would have changed just based on that, would be my guess.  So, stating your feelings is not the problem.

I feel really bad for you that the relationship hasn't progressed or stayed where you want it . . . but, like LG said, time heals in matters such as this.  It is painful - take it, don't try to deny or avoid it, just take it.  Go to another lady when you're ready.  It *will* be OK.

I agree.  Unfortunately expressing ones feelings in this situation causes them to back off.   I am dealing with this very situation now. I expressed my feelings, she backed off and things have been somewhat stressful. I dont want to lose this relationship even if it means going back to the way things were.  In other words, we spend an hour together and go on.  That is hard to do though and likely I will lose this beautiful girl and have to find someone less perfect to be with.

A few years ago, I hung out with a woman I worked with - just went to movies and lunch.  Sure, she was married but I've always believed that people can be just friends and that's all I wanted.  

A few months into this, she sent me an email.  She told me that she had a crush on me.  But in that same paragraph, she said she was over me and that she had moved on.  What's more, she said that it was obvious I had quite the crush on her and I should move on.  WHAT?  I made the mistake of telling her that I was attracted to her.  (Didn't tell her it was strictly a physical attraction; figured it would've been tactless).  After some email conversations, I thought that we were square with each other, back to just being movie buddies.  Unh-unh.

Later that month she started glaring and growling at me.  (Apparently her husband and I share some traits that irritate her.)  

Again, I thought we squared things away when two or three weeks later, she sent me a mildly critical email about a trivial thing.  I was in a foul mood as it was, and responded with a "Sorry you feel that way.  From here on out, I'll do my best to keep my opinions to myself."  She gave me the cold shoulder for three days.  Apparently, "based on that outburst, she didn't know how she could look at me as a friend anymore."

Again, I thought we squared things.  I had even told her about another woman I was interested in. About a month later, that young woman IMed me during the shift.  We started batting the idea of hitting Perkins after work.  In walked the married woman, all happy and cheery - until she saw the messages the other woman and I were sending to each other.  "So, are you gonna go?"  The married woman demanded.

"Well...yeah!"

She whirled on her heels and stormed / skulked off.  For almost a month, she avoided the hell out of me.  I couldn't say, "Hi," without her bolting.  What's more, she started hanging out with the young woman and the next thing I knew, I was on the outs.

And a couple months later, when I was just trying to get things squared again, the married woman had the gall to tell me that I took things personally.

Sometimes it's just not a good idea to be open and honest with some people.

Time might heal all wounds, but personally, I'd rather pick at the scab so I'll remember *not* to get into another of these situations.

why men find women perplexing.  

They seem to turn every situation with them into a "Damn you if you do; damn you if you don't."  The only solution I could come up with to keep my sanity was to not get involved with them socially, emotionally, or mentally - only by the occasional hour.

what is ATF