Hey LG,

I've been thinking about entering the hobby for a while now.  I am a married man with a sex life that is not very good at all.  I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I grew up quite shy, introverted and inhibited.  I was quite inexperienced when I met my wife and haven't had much experience since getting married.  I have never been really comfortable talking about sex, even with my wife, so the problem hasn't had any chance to get resolved.  Still, I am becoming a major horndog.  I have been watching a lot of porn and following TER.  There is so much I want to do (PSE style sex, a threesome, etc) that I never got to do before, and now I'm married so it all seems impossible.

My thinking was that if I joined the hobby, it would help me shed some inhibitions and be more comfortable about sexuality, help me live out some fantasies so I can put them to rest and just relieve some sexual energy.  Is that a crazy way to think?

Dear TestTheWaters,

No, it's not a "crazy way to think" and many men use experiences with sex workers as training wheels for later in life.

As to "therapy," it's never a bad idea to explore the why's and the wherefore's when it comes to one's own personal growth. If you grew up "shy, introverted and inhibited," maybe there are other areas in life you would like to work on?

As to your being married and "impossible," well, clearly you must realize by now that there are zillions of men who are married and who enjoy the sexual services of providers. As to how you are going to manage disclosures, a secret life and your risk tolerance with your wife, that is for you to figure out. I am not here to tell you what's right and wrong, only to confirm that yes, married men do see providers, and yes, you probably would experience sex in ways you never have before.

Think about it,
The Love Goddess

The urge to go off on a safari of personal sexual exploration hits all married men- I remember mine well!

Looking back on it now, however, I would ask what is your plan to improve your sexual relations with your wife after you've explored and grown with some providers?  It's easy for a husband or wife to opt out of the sexual side of their marriage, and we hear about it every day on TER.  But it doesn't sound like you've done very much to make your love life with your wife more satisfying, and I think at some point you should give it a try.

I know it can appear to be a "you can't get there from here" sort of situation, and experiencing other women might help you with that.  But you might also want to consider couples therapy where an experienced therapist can act as your guide to get the two of you talking to each other in ways you may not be able to do on your own.  I don't see these as mutually exclusive courses of actions.

Speaking as a guy that got married too young and had too few partners beforehand, I can really identify with what you're saying.  But if you don't make some effort to improve your primary relationship in the process of your own personal growth, then it's really unfair to your marriage.  Sex needs to be a part of marriage, so don't give up on it without exploring all the options available to you.

If my reply surprises you, it's because I pursued my own sexual adventures in a rather selfish manner, and without boring you with the details, it eventually led to my divorce from a really wonderful woman.  But I had excluded her from an important part of my life and personal growth, and that's the exact opposite of what a marriage is supposed to be about.

So just keep your head on straight and please don't come back in a month and post about how you've fallen in love with a wonderful provider, because I will hunt you down!!!  LOL.

In my own case, my appetite to see escorts did not abate over time, in fact it grew stronger and continues to do so, both with new and long time favorites.

My marriage also ended in divorce over this issue, and while my feelings are mixed about this, it is something that you will have to consider as a possibility.

LG's advise about therapy is a good one.  Each of us are individuals, and you need to find your own path.

Best wishes.

I can identify with the shyness issue, and in my case, the fear that just mentioning a new sexual position, or sex act might be met with severe disapproval, or even it proving to be the deal breaker. As LG and others have said, it's important to work on your personal issues, and to work on your sexual relationship with your wife, first. Even working with a good couples or sex therapist can be very helpful. A good therapist, in the couples therapy context can open of certain sexual cans of worm that you, and/or wife might be fearful of opening, and you will probably find it quite liberating. Even after all of this, you may find she is not able to embrace new changes in your sexual life, but at least you will know the wall, on her side is real, and you will know the wall from your side, or if all of it was just a figment of your imagination.

If your wife is willing/able to have sex, then she should be your FIRST resort for exploring your sexuality.

If you speak with her frankly on neutral ground -- you may find the results surprising.

I never cheated on wife #1 even though we married each other as virgins. But we also -- as just one example -- went through the Kama Sutra together, took sensual massage classes and added endless variety to our sex life.

Visiting a therapist may help you break through the barriers to being able to approach your wife.

But, IMO, sex with one's wife is FAR SUPERIOR to anything available from a provider. For one thing, your wife loves you and actually gives a crap if you live or die. At least, until she finds out you've been seeing prostitutes.

You said you grew up quite shy, introverted and inhibited. If you become more open about talking about sex with your wife that would help alot.
Who knows what fantasies she has and you won't know until you can feel comfortable talking to her about it.

I started hobbying a long time ago after several years of an increasingly sexless marriage.  I told myself it would help jumpstart the marriage if I tapped into my sexual energy by seeing providers.  In retrospect this was complete BS.  I am still married, we essentially have no sex life and that is fine with me (and her).  My relationships with providers are an outlet for my erotic energy that was never going to find a place in my marriage.  I wish it were otherwise and that my erotic life and committment to my partner were aligned, but that's just not the case.