Dear Love Goddess,

I am a provider and have been seeing a client for about 18 months. When we first met it was in incredibly intense attraction that deepened, and developed on both our ends into a relationship. Both of us have SO's but he felt like that one person I could open myself up to wholly and completely without reservation. I have never met anyone like him before or sense and no one, in my life (including my SO) has ever made me feel the way that he does emotionally or sexually.

Through out all of the ups and downs in our relationship one thing remained, that undeniable attraction that just would not go away. I feel like every single time we were together it was better and better and better.

Recently he made a stupid mistake and his wife found out he's been "having phone sex and emailing" some girl.  As far as she understands that is the extent of it.

He and I have not communicated in a week or more because of this except for a few phone calls. I sent him an email and apparently she is much sneakier than he thought because she intercepted it to his "new" email account.

Rather than let this drag on and become something that neither of us want I told him yesterday it was best if we stopped talking to each other and just erased the other from our lives.

You know that drug, the one that is so so so bad for you but that you just can not get rid of? That is how he is for me. It broke my heart yesterday to tell him that. I know it's the best possible choice for me, my SO, him and his SO but I'm hurting. Hurting so bad because I do love him. I want him like I need air to breathe. I crave his touch, his smell, his voice, his scent and the way his hands glide over my body. The way his smile makes my heart smile.

I was crying today, because I'm a big damn baby, and my SO came in to ask me what was wrong. I LOVE my SO, and did not want to hurt his feelings but he's been with me for 10 years I needed someone to talk to. I confessed my feelings for this other person, what was going on in our "relationship" and how hard it was to deal with it. He sat me on his lap and held me and told me that he may not understand the dynamic of the relationship and that he's not upset. He said that due to the nature of my "job" I am bound to develop feelings for people on some level. He said it was okay to grieve for the relationship and that he would be there for me no matter what.


I felt like such an asshole. I mean, really, an asshole, but I've never lied to my SO and I didn't want to just tell him "nothing" and have him sit there bothered by the fact that I was upset.

How do I get through this? What do I do when I want to email, or call so bad my fingers hurt from not doing it? I know that it is best for everyone involved, I know this, but it still does not lessen the hurt or the pain of losing someone I deeply care about and am attracted to.

Well, ItsNotOverThisTimeAround,

Your posting shows that it's not only the clients who are subject to boundary trespassing in the provider-client relationship, it's the ladies too. I'm with your magnanimous SO on this one - these are inherent risks within the field of sex work and situations like these are bound to happen.

The "asshole" issue can be dropped immediately, since you
a) told your SO
and
b) only did it now because you had previously thought - grownup girl that you are - that you could manage the situation on your own, feelings and all.

On the other hand, I think it's very mature and wise of you to stand up for all parties and end it the way you did, despite the pain it has caused all involved [yup, silent partners are involved too, by virtue of their presence in the dyadic configurations]. Obviously there is something that stops you and your former paramour from ditching your SO's and flying off in the sunset together; maybe it's the unconscious realization that star-crossed romances are always the ones that burn the brightest, but also have the greatest chance of burning out, once the elements of danger and suspense are removed from the equation.

How do you get through this? Just like a drug addict who is experiencing severe dopamine withdrawal, because that's exactly what's happening to you, my dear. That means one day at a time, have lots of patience with yourself and try to inject as much logic as possible in your reflections and remembrances of things past. Yup, it's difficult, but you'll get through it. And don't forget to be extra kind and loving to your SO who is putting up with having his loved one engage in sexual encounters with others for a living. That's more than most men could endure even ONCE. Not that this should be a reason for you to stay with him, but clearly there must be other factors that make him your guy, otherwise you would have left a long time ago.

Forgive, forget, forgive, forget - every day, that's your rhyme until it stops hurting,

The Love Goddess

(Pushing back tears)


Yes there are other reasons my SO is my guy. He loves me with all of his heart and cherishes me like no other.

I'm taking each minute one at a time and I value your words and wisdom. I know that the grass is not always greener on the other side and that part of the reason that we are/were so attracted to one another is because we saw each other in small doses.

I never wanted to leave my family for him and I know he felt the same, but illicit relationships have been known to last for years. Thank you for your thoughts.

As the hobbyist needs to go back to living his authentic life and so did you.

Best of luckQ

I'm sorry that this hurts...  I have played with fire.  I have been burned.  I knew when I began how it would end.  It just felt too good to stop.  In the end I had to give up my denial, live through the hurt...  & move forward.

I wish you Peace & Comfort.
skb

I recently had a similar experience and one thing that is helping me is that when I begin to miss the lady's charms too much, I try to think about how my SO makes me happy. By consciously looking for ways that my SO makes my brain feel good, I've been able to reawaken some things in our relationship, even after 32 years.

Hang in there and try to let time do what it does.

Hi Sweetie,

It happened to me as well in May, my client ended it with me. Reading this post, I thought wow, I didn't write this did I? I was really appreciative to see that you had the courage to post this up here because when he broke it off with me I was in such shambles, I had the girl who put my ad up on Thatmall calling to see if I was okay a month later, very worried about me.

His wife found our texts and it ended. I know that that what we had was real, but also not real. A fantasy and a reality. I derived great joy from him. His smile could light up the world and for a time, his love awoke something I thought was dead within me for years. But here is the quote that I live by and I hope one day he will come back to me. I love him and I still do.

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

C.S. Lewis

Be strong girl

I think deep down, you know the answer to this question: time.  Time heals all wounds, and eventually, you will get through it.  Talking about it is the first step.  

I think, in some ways, it's ironic that you've posted something like this here.  Many times, posts like this on the general board are by men, and you get the standard "go see someone else" response.  But yeah, on both sides sometimes, it hurts when it has to end.

Your post hit me extremely hard, because it's something I've been thinking about for a while now.  I've seen someone exclusively for some time, and we have developed a good friendship as well.  Although neither of us would ever leave our SO's for this, we can't deny that there are feelings and caring between us.

So, as we know more and care more, what do we do?  Both of us have thought about what happens when it all ends - and it will end at some point.  Do we throttle back?  If we do, we're just denying the things we already know.  Do we stop seeing each other?

It can be a very complex thing.  I know, I know, LoveGoddess...this is a "fucking" business.  However, even in my case (and the author of this thread), it isn't complicated.  

It'sNotOverThisTimeAround, you'll get through it.  Believe me, you're not the only one that will go through this.  I will at some point as well.

You know what I do in those situations?  I write a letter.  I write it, but I don't send it.  Just get my feelings down on paper.  Just being able to express it somewhere is something, just like you did here.

And I respect the hell out of your SO.  He sounds like a great person, and I can see why you would want to stay with him.

I found myself in a similar relationship situation, though she wasn't a provider.  In fact, your letter sounds like it could have been written by my former lover, even the specific phrases you used.

Unfortunately, I didn't take LG's advice, especially the part in paragraph 3, and managed to end up with neither the paramour or the SO (in this case a wife).  I was devastated.

I let the passion and love I felt in the relationship, real or perceived, get the best of me.  I didn't process the unresolved feelings well, even as my former lover moved on, got married and had two children.

To say that I let it fuck up my love life for the next 6 or 7 years would an understatement.  And the collateral damage to others was also huge.  Fortunately, despite how you feel right now, I think you did the right thing- and thankfully, so did your SO.

Some people feel moving on somehow betrays the feelings of love they experienced, but that is a mistaken notion.  Not being able to process the intense emotions of a relationship when it ends is a recipe for disaster, and the longer you hang on, the longer the healing process takes.  Just like when you lose a loved one to death, there's a mourning process that needs to take place for a lost love, but as LG described, it is a process and one which eventually gets you back to being OK.  You'll never forget the love you had, but eventually, you get on with your life and move forward.

Failing to do so, as I did, just tears years off the calendar without having anything positive to show for them.  Please don't go down that road because it only ends in further heartache and accomplishes nothing.  Cry your tears now and then move on.

In the meantime, look at the guy who is still standing next to you despite current events, and realize how lucky you are to have him, even if the fire of reality doesn't burn quite as brightly as that of the fantasy-type relationship that just ended.

Hi RP,,,,would u ever let someone into your heart
if u weren't a provider?
I'm going through heartache myself right now,,,as simple as it may sound,,i'm glad i have a kitten,,,i personally have 2 give my love to someone or something.
I do understand where u r coming from though!

These wise and poignant comments put me in mind of a poem by William Butler Yeats, written o/a 1904:

"NEVER give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, Kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost."

I fell for my ATF and realized the fantasy was messing up my concentration in  my real life.  I am trying to straighten my head so I can still see her but I don't know if I can.

Not a hobbyist, but I just had to wean myself off a FWB situation as I was getting too close and was, I feel, making it awkward all round. It takes some doing as this person is a close friend that blossomed into the FWB. I do not want the friendship to subside and it won't as I can clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel and have what I feel, are good honest choices.

But dang...the heart wants what the heart wants sometimes. My 2 cents? Stay away for a while and firmly implant in your skull the bare bones reality of the situation. I know my fling was messing with my life until I got my shit together and realized what was what.