Esteemed LG, Mr Fisher, et al:

I have to ask you this and hopefully the topic is appropriate for this board.  It is not about sex-ploration per se but more about interpersonal relations.

I have been hobbying now for about 18 months - initially with some trepidation - but now without hesitation (after appropriate review research for safety).  I seem to now be entering a phase where I am wanting to experience ladies ethnically who may have previouisly been off limits - specifically I seem to have arrived at an interest in the Asian ladies.

I live in an area on the east coast and south of the Mason-Dixon which, IMHO, does not boast an overabundance of varied and high quality providers, unlike major metropolitan areas.  The "high quality" providers are therefore busy and choosy.  Early on, I have made some mistakes regarding appointments with some of these ladies (cancelling appointments) and unfortunately I have also paid the price - I think.  If I had a chance to do it over, I would do it differently.

Historically, what I have perceived is that when a lady doesn't want to see you, she has no room on her schedule and she has no forsight into her schedule - even though as an indy, she is the master of it.  That is, this scenario:

"What about this Friday at 2?"
"I don't have that time open"
"Then what about next week, same day/time?"
"I don't know what my schedule is"

Then you call the next week and get the same thing.  I refer to it as a "circle-jerk".  Perhaps I am assuming the pejorative, but I also think in many instances with the hobby you have to become adept at reading between the lines (and the sheets lol...).

Ok, now that I've forshadowed, here's the situation.  I found an asian hottie that definitely floats my boat.  I contact her, she screens me and verifies me.   We set up an initial date and time as an "incall" at a hotel of her choice.  She makes the perfunctory first call about 15 minutes before the appointment and tells me she's running an hour behind.  I can't make that time.  She apologies profusely, says this doesn't happen often, offers me a discount to see her again, and asks me to reschedule.  I tell her I'll check her online schedule, my schedule, and get back.

So I do that and then email her for a day/time a couple of days later.  She responds telling me her schedule's changed and she's not available that day but offers me other days.  So I email back the same day about a time slot that works on one of the days she's offered.  Later the same day, she responds saying that she's no longer able to offer "outcalls" in my area at the moment and that I would have to wait to see her later during a weekend.

Ok.  So I'm like, WTF.  If I wait to schedule with her on a weekend, THAT will probably change.  Becoming somewhat frustrated (sexually and logistically) I take a deep breath and attempt a reply - keeping in mind your mantra "tell her what you're thinking".  Finally, after multiple revisions, I pen out this response to her latest directional change...

"I don't want to appear to be too direct, but would you prefer if I did not contact you further?"

She responds saying she doesn't know where I got that from, there must be some misunderstanding, I would like to work with you but if you want to see somebody else, that ok, blah blah blah.

Now she won't respond to my email.

I know somebody's going to say "there's alot of fish in the ocean..." remember......THERE'S NOT ALOT OF FISH IN THE OCEAN.  So hopefully, I'm going to drop back a bit and try again later.

But in the meantime, how would you recommend handling this kind of situation?

I'm all ears and suffering serious delerium from retentive sploogology.

Help me, LG.

Sorry to conk you on the head there, but it is obvious to me that you are now on a DNS list, and this Asian lady has just become aware of it and has cut you off.

My advice:

Cool it for several months and then start anew, preferably with providers who haven't been around long enough to have heard of you.

Are there agencies in your area?  If so, they may be your best shot.

Otherwise, plan to become a sexual tourist and hobby in other cities.  Lack of references will dog you however.  Plan to use agencies there also.

Be sure you clean up your act and don't do whatever it was that got you in this hot water.

Let us know how it goes.

I agree with mrfisher. Your screwed....or not, as the case may be.

I happen to love Asian women so I feel for you but you are now paying for your past sins. Try an agency or two, they do not always share info with indie girls.

You may have put your foot in your mouth with the last lady, I'm not absolutely convinced that you were on her DNS list before you contacted her...but you sure are now!

You may also want to consider traveling a bit out of your area and also keeping an eye out for traveling ladies.

I've never been on a DNS list so I don't know how long it's going to be a problem for you...

good luck...

...that's severe Mr Fisher!

I wondered about that!  I certainly don't have any problems with other providers in my home range - not at all.  So I'm still a bit perplexed...it just doesn't all add up.

Oh well...

...how would YOU have handled the situation?

See response to MrF (sensitivity training needed)

Egads, BigSplooge,
What IS this attack of nobless oblige on your part??!!?? She is not Richard Feynman and you're not offering her the Nobel prize. Or in this case, I suppose she'd be more like Chien-Shiung Wu and you're not offering her the National Medal of Science!

I'm getting frustrated just reading your posting. But if there's one thing you needn't do, it's kowtow to someone's impossible schedule. Fuhgeddabout it. Your interest in this woman may be positively correlated with the difficulty experienced in meeting with her. Once you've boned her, I bet you'll find that there's nothing THAT special about her.

As to the provider dearth in your area..well, if I were you, I'd save my pennies and get together with someone in another major metropolitan area. This issue is too small to sweat over. As for the provider in question, I guess she's not that motivated. OTOH, I know providers who will make the utmost effort to see anyone who is appropriate. But they are in Los Angeles, where the competition [and perhaps the cost of living] is a lot higher. Personally, I'd never see a provider who canceled on ME, but then again, I'm not a man with an itch to scratch, LOL.

Please move on to the next - even if she's farther away,
the Love Goddess

Since I am only reading one side of the story here. I would have to have gone through it myself to gauge where I thought she was coming from.
One thing I can guarantee you is that I would not have confronted her.  There is just no reason to. If you get the feeling she doesn't want to see you then why on earth would you want to see her?

Don't get me wrong, I've gotten the "I could care less about seeing you" vibe off of ladies a few times, not because I was on a DNS list or because I canceled on them but just because they were probably not very conscientious providers.
When it happens I just move on. No sense in wasting time with a gal, no matter how beautiful, who isn't 100% interested in spending time with you.

It's from a saying we have at work.

If someone has screwed up real bad and there's no way to find an out to the problem even after we all brain storm and try to find an out, we come to the conclusion of....YPB.

So, this is not in your home town?

Well, be thankful for that at least, but with so many providers pulling the old "I have to wash my hair that day." routine on you, I don't see what else it could be.

I know I heard that phrase often enough way back in my civie dating days to know what it is.

Take the advice and fish in a different spot.  I used to only hobby when I travelled but in the last 6 months started hobbying at home.  I live in a major metropolitan area and am amazed at how small this world is.

Many of the girls know one another, agency girls become indys, agency girls change agencies, etc.  

Walk upstream, rebait your hook and fish in a new spot.  Give it some time and perhaps later you can call your asian fantasy up again and she will be more responsive.  

I am amazed at how word within the community travels.  I went from not being able to see a gal because of no refs to not needing refs with local well known ladies.  See a few of them, post on your local board(s), write honest reveiws and things will work themselves out.

Just remember you leave a wake behind you and the local community pays attention.  Remember boundaries, be a gentleman and know when to walk away.

LG,

I kinda thought you would give me that response.  Thank you.

There are only, IMHO, 3 really HOT providers in my range.  Stupid me, I approached them initially 18 months ago while I was still learning to crawl, drooling, pooping my pants etc.  BAD DECISION.  I have had no other problems with providers in my range except for the occasional who just can't seem to get her shit together.  I will try to work with maybe once or twice, but after that AMF (adios my friends).

I do not always have (and cannot have) 100% control of my schedule, therefore, I always try to give notice at the earliest possibility, if I must cancel.  At this point, this is far the exception rather than the rule.

And you're right, after I boned her, I'd probably move on.

Mr Fisher:  I learned along time ago to shower with bricks.  Your words they did not offend, but I appreciate your olive branch.  Thank you.

BostonGuy:  I quite frankly DO NOT think I was on a DNS list with her.  I think she just has a "high end attitude" and she does what she wants, when she wants because she's a "high end provider".  Ego.

FoodCritic:  It is always possible to loose context in email conversations.  However, I would not say my approach was "confrontational".  It was direct and it was assertive.  I simply asked her in a direct way "look I think I'm getting the run around.  I'm giving you an out.  Do you want it".  I asked her "would you prefer I not contact you any further".  I cannot think of any other way to be more concise and respectful to say it the way I did!

What I don't understand is why the ladies just don't drop the theatrics, come out and say, look dude, get out of my grill?!

Maybe it's their reputation they're worried about...which couldn't be more ironic!

Thanks folks.

...I'm still lookin for that woman who will screw my eyeballs out....

You are probably on her DNS list!

Well splooge, I think that you handled the situation very well, and I have to agree with you, that said provider, appears to have some high class ego issues.
But then again, what do I know, because I too, have ego issues, in that if a provider blows me off, I get somewhat bewildered for the rejection.

I use the same methods as you, in using the direct approach, and being assertive, and I guess that sometimes others see this method as an intimadation tatic? or an effort to have control?

Ah well who knows? :0
Sorry to hear that you are not able to have a better menu of providers from with which to pick.
So off you go, into the wild blue younder, to get your stress relieved! and just say to yourself,
Its her loss ( asian provider that is ) because you are all that and a bag of chips too!

BigSplooge you need to work on your communication skills and realize that your response to the provider was not being "direct" but a veiled complaint reflecting your frustration. As a result, as you noticed, whatever your position was it did not improve.

Here are some thoughts. This hobby is an empowering experience in that you get to have sex with women with no real effort or commitment for money. It can be easy to overlook that there are any number of factors, other than money, that will influence how an appointment will be and sometimes if there will be an appointment at all. However, polite and professional communication is always a good starting point. When you eventually want to see a provider who turns out to be flakey and runs her business carelessly it's up to you to decide if she's worth pursuing or not. If you decide to pursue her you will have to be patient and remain good natured.

To use LG's terms I once had a very particular itch to scratch and there was only one provider who fit the criteria. Unfortunately she turned out to be very flakey. I endured three NCNS! Believe me I was very tempted to vent my frustration or move on but instead managed to remain calm and joke about it. In the end my patience paid off and I saw her. It was a nice enough and somewhat unmemorable appointment but at least my itch was scratched!

You've had advice about fishing elsewhere which is one solution but I'd also suggest you write a nice email to the providers with whom you got off on the wrong foot by canceling. Apologize and ask for another chance. You have nothing to lose. If it works out leave a tip to partially compensate their lost business from the previously canceled appointment and thus you will be known as a gentleman.

I don't get how we took the leap from her not answering his emails anymore to BigSplogne being on some sort of a DNS list...that's quite a leap.  Unless, there were more facts that he didn't tell us about with other providers...how would he end up on a DNS list?  Up until his email saying "Would you rather not see me?"...she was still spending time communicating with him and trying to set up a time, even offering a discount to reset a time.  Providers are busy people and what may appear to us to be the biggest thing...might be just some little insignificant detail they barely look at in their lives...she might not even have been thinking about Bigsplonge's scheduling until his pointed confrontation statement was made (or even known him from other Jo Blows), which caught her attention.  She might not have like being confronted and took it negatively thinking that she might face a difficult person (not saying that you are...just saying that she might have thought that) and just stopped returning emails.  The scheduling snafus actually happened between me and my ATF the first few times I saw her... she never knew her schedule and nothing was ever firm (even within the same day)...and I would have given up if only she weren't so dam hot.  I for a second thought she just didn't want to see me and was giving me the run around...I guess that paranoia does go through guys minds, but now I've come to understand that she likes to party late and doesn't really like to plan or schedule, she only does this so she can have a leisurely life without any harsh deadlines....so she'd have to constantly shuffle her schedule becuase she wakes up later than she plans to.  She realizes that in herself so now (that I'm her regular) she calls me at the beginning of the week and tells me what her schedule is like and gives me first dibs on appointment times before anyone else....or calls me back when she sees that I tried to reach her and tries to accomodate me after she wakes up in the afternoon from some hard partying (LOL).  I'm glad that I didn't give up and just worked with her...because she's the best I've ever had.

Unless other girls aren't returning your calls, then i wouldn't be sure that you're on some sort of DNS list.... What can get you on one of those lists anyway?  Maybe, wait a few months during the slow months and try again...when she has less guys batting down her door, maybe she'll give you a second look.  She might be in such high demand, right now she just sees who she perceives as the best clients.

Yo JAS

I hear ya.  I think the thing that raised red flags was how within about 4-6 hours she had gone from offering me a day to telling me she was no longer taking incalls - period.  By that time, she had changed things several times and I just began to wonder.  So I just decided to cut to the chase, so to speak.

Anyway, it's part of the past.  I've moved on.

Thanks

Well, who knows what drama was going on in her life.It happens a lot, I am told.

m-