Dear LG,
My wife [of 15 years] has developed a single 2cm x 1.5 cm ulcerating, blistering type lesion outside and to the right of her labium.
Her GYN is "over 80%" certain that it is Herpes, and she has begun treatment.
My wife insists that that she has been totally monogamous, and that it could have been acquired from a toilet seat or hotel bedspread, etc.
I have not seen another woman for over 3 months, and have never had or come into contact with Herpes to my knowledge.
Your opinion is sought regarding what I should believe.

Get tested.

Dear House-of-Pain,

Here's what you need to do: go to that darned website again and educate yourself as much as possible. You don't acquire herpes from toilet seats or hotel bedspreads. Some people don't notice their first infection until years after contagion, however, a severe outbreak may occur if the person's immune system becomes compromised in any way, e.g. having a cold, flu or another immunological disorder can trigger a painful outbreak.

Clearly, you will need to get yourself tested as well (if that hasn't happened already).

And read the attached link VERY CAREFULLY, please
The Love Goddess

The website is quite informative.
However, am I correct in assuming that wife has most likely been unfaithful [although not with 100% certainty]?

Agree with LG.  

I want to add...  No Sex.  Both of you get tested.  Do not panic nor assume anything.  Do not blab, confess or anything until you have 2 both results.  Then go from there.  

When I had symptoms...  until I had test results, I had no idea what it was.  I went to my urologist, told the truth.  I got tested.  It turned out (in my case) to be a UTI.  It was very tough keeping my head together.

I did let my ATF know as she's the only other one I'd been with recently.  She reassured me that we'd only played safe & she had no issues.  She was a real friend & helped me keep my head together.

Anyway, ATF told me of a gent who had been seeing her.  Got an iching down there, came unglued & confessed everything.  In his case he'd been out doing yardwork and gotten poison ivy on his hands & transfered when he Peed.  He was miserable, had his head handed to him...  find out what you are dealing with first.
jtp

Normally a lurker on this board, but granted I'm in my first year of residency, figured I'd chime in. Granted the overall prevalence of herpes (oral and genital) is 33%, it's not something to totally freak out about. Also oral herpes can be transmitted to the genitals and vice versa (i.e. from oral sex).

As the Love Goddess mentioned, it can be completely latent and asymptomatic until a triggering event (immune compromise, stress, etc). 3 months is really not a long enough time to rule you transmitting it to her and now being a latent carrier, so be careful before you rule out providers and yourself as the source of infection. The only cause for concern would be her incorrect belief in cause of transmission since skin to skin/bodily fluid contact is needed. Again, this does not completely rule out yourself, so tread lightly and as everyone else said, abstain from sex and get tested.

Test yourself.  You could be asymptomatic and be the one who has given it to her.  Perhaps she acquired it (IF the tests come back positive) before the two of you met and has simply never had a noticeable outbreak until now.

You being here leads me to believe that you are not faithful to matrimonial vows, why are you so insistent on trying to prove that she has not been?

...equate to her having a possible emotional attachment to another man!

Further information on latency and asymptomatic herpes transmission.

It is entirely possible that YOU gave her something and you want to ignore your obligation to be tested and to jump the gun using this unfortunate situation to prove that she's been unfaithful. Incredulous.

Possibly she fucked someone else.  And from that idea you jump to an imagined emotional attachment? You have a putrid agenda here. But hey, go ahead and try to convince a divorce judge that her possible indiscretion is so much worse than your very real ones... And that is exactly where you are headed if you don't get over your obscene hypocrisy.

Sorry for stepping in on this one LG, I really feel it needs said.

-- Modified on 3/17/2010 12:59:41 AM

what if she has been providing behind your back?
Would it all be good then?
hell, she could even earn back the money you spend.

Of course she might be having NSA sex with a bunch of guys...so then you don't have to worry about the emotional attachments.

Either way, she probably isn't spending any money on her infidelity...so hers is probably just infidelity, and not infidelity and using money that could be spent on the "family" to get  her bit of strange. So, just the one "betrayal" and not two.

You can paint whatever picture you want to justify YOUR actions but the fact is you have a woman that you share a life with. Her view on your infidelities is going to count just as much as yours if it comes to the surface.

My wife simply cannot have sex as far as I am aware.

She developed this really nasty looking rash on her vulva. I forget what the doctor called it but, essentially, it was a fancy word for diaper rash.

Go figure.

Among other things, I can't stand a double standard and men are the worst offenders in my experience when it comes to infidelity. I hope she did have the hottest sex with someone else. Stop being a first class hypocrite and accept at least some responsibility...look where your posting for God's sake!

if you are bare backing the spouse you may well be the cause of wifey's problem, go along with the toilet seat story, it will save you a lot of personal grief if she does not think you were the spreader of joy

I have heard that all human beings after 2 or 3 weeks of being born develop herpes.
I read it in some medical books when I took a class in health care.
They suspect its from some of the immunizations but they claim they have no real proof.
It said some people break out with lesions and some dont but that we are all carriers of the disease.
Oh Joy!
So at any moment anyone of us can break out with some crazy stuff?
I would like to know just what the hell they are putting in those immunizations.

... as far as I can ascertain, the only things known to be spread via toilet seat in the US are crabs and very very very rarely -- like once EVER -- herpes.

Basically, any wife capable of using the Internet won't buy that story.

Dude, nobody here has stated what seems obvious to me. Even though you obviously could have infected your wife, the fact that she was quick to throw out the toilet seat, hotel bedspread excuse looks pretty fishy. If she had been monogamous she would have blamed you right away. She is BUSTED!

Can you spell J-I-L-T-E-D? Unreflective?

This guy's got ego/insecurity issues, yes, but why the hatred?

Don't you advertise and accept TER reviews to attract such men and their families' financial resources? Or did I miss the no married men disclaimer on your website? Or perhaps we really don't know what goes on behing your closed doors afterall.

One less visiting girl to research.

My thoughts exactly!!

You’re having sex with women other than your wife

You have not bothered to educate yourself on the transmission of STD’s---which you are potentially exposing your wife to without her knowledge, or consent.

Now your wife is manifesting symptoms of HSV2 and, despite every road sign pointing in your direction you are here, on TER, looking for validation in blaming your wife for being unfaithful.

That’s about it, right?

Not sure why you had to ask whose fault this was since you, clearly, already knew.

You're wife sounds awesome. Mines would have had papers on my desk. Sounds like the hobby's most favorite menu = GFE went too far.

The unfaithful OP is jumping from a sore on his wife to some sort of emotionally attached affair that he imagines she has had.  He isn't realizing that HE could just as well be the one who passed something to her, that either of them could have been asymptomatic for years, and essentially - that his judgment is rash and out of line.  He's got himself worked up and will destroy his marriage if he doesn't get himself together... unless he's simply trying to use this instance as his no-fault excuse to get out of the marriage to begin with.  Neither is a good option and I felt he could use some cold water splashed in his face.  You seem to be taking it personally, perhaps you've done the same?
: O

I advertise to accept clients who desire what I offer.  There are many reasons for a man to seek companionship, whatever their personal relationship situation is or is not.  It is not for me to judge others.

Please - don't research me.  I don't particularly like your knee jerk judgment and am happy when personality mismatches are never realized face to face.  


xoxo,
Sola