LG

Had an over night date. Much fun before dinner, a very flirty dinner then back for more fun. The chemistry was terrific, and reference check meant that she knew much about me. Despite a fantastic romp in the hay, I was slow to climax. Fatigue, travel, alcohol and a recent stress event.

We agreed to call it a night in the middle of the night - prematurely, without drama. But in last hour she was politely but persistently vocal about my non-climax. Asked what she could do. Too much talk about performance is a vicious circle.  Made it clear that she had been as passionate as possible, and boy was she right. She also said she was becoming sore even tho I am very respectful and sensitive. We both left frustrated.

I think, beyond my alcohol fatigue (not drunk) it also had to do with ego issues (her) and fact that she MAY have had a busy day prior. She also really didn't give us a chance and kept interrupting rhythm I believe trying to bring me to climax. Maybe there was a bit of competition.

Couple of weeks later, I had another date, free from alcohol. My date, whom I had seen before, was able to climax, even tho as I know here, she requires much attention and time. I climaxed with her on her second trip, but after a sustained 2 hours. While I am slow, my plumbing is fine. And this date thought the experience was perfect (her words).

I have continues to stay in contact with first lady who encourages second date, but really don't want to expose either of us to frustration of lengthy "on-stage" performance if she wants me to climax in 20 minutes. I am perfectly healthy but not a young stud. Your reactions?

Cple extra details. I am a bit of pleaser. My approach is to provide a lot of clitoral attention and take it slow. My attitude is that most woman need some time to ready to climax. First lady was ready to romp and indicated oral was over rated. I think she sorta upset my rhythm. Second lady loved the approach and felt the clitoral stimulation was just what doctor ordered. I can just not see first lady or try to discuss. Despite misques of last hour of first date we actually did a good job of chatting about things and really enjoyed each other  








-- Modified on 12/4/2009 7:44:44 PM

You really want my reactions, next6mos?

Well here they are: I think it's a damn shame that commercial sex seems to include all these time limits, expectations, hopes, dreams and projections - so much that in fact, performance anxiety looms so large on both sides of the fence.

In a non-paying relationship, sexual relations are generally given the time and space to mature; there is ample opportunity to find out what makes each party tick on every level. In paid sex, we are all conscripted to roles: the provider as the energetic sex bunny who never gives up, the hobbyist as the ever-priapic horn dog who gets so excited by what the provider does to him, that he bursts out at a moment's notice, spraying her, the walls and everything else in sight with his explosive orgasm - twice, preferably, or else there's just gotta be sumpt'n' wrong with his manhood.

If there is the slightest bit of failure or even hesitation, people get anxious and fall out of rhythm; spectatoring sets in, distrust of one's own processes occur and the perceived disappointment over not doing one's job or performing up to expected standards looms over the entire encounter. There just isn't room for any error, lest both parties begin to suspect that some part of this unspoken sex performance contract has been violated. The provider thinks she hasn't worked hard enough, the hobbyist begins to worry about his physical or mental state - ay caramba, there sure is some Spanish malfunctioning fly in everyone's ointment.

Yes, two hours is a long time to climax, considering the average (condomless perhaps) guy shoots out after 2.5 minutes or so. On the other hand, maybe that's your rhythm? Maybe that's how you manage the issue of condoms, unfamiliar partners, your age, your headspace, your soul? Granted, it's not ideal for a lot of providers, regardless of their work schedule for the day. Condoms make vaginas sore; in addition, unless the provider is genuinely excited or crazy in love and firing on all cylinders, even 30 minutes of straight sex can seem excruciating.

But for every woman who likes it quick and dirty, there are those who love to take it slow - tantrikas come to mind. Maybe your bodily rhythm would be better matched with such a woman? Commercial sex tends to follow a script. Any deviation from that script [most often created by the provider] is bound to have some consequences. In your case, you may require a different sort of encounter altogether. People change, their sexual performance and needs change. You may need to allow for this and not try to conscript yourself into a mold that addresses the vast majority.

For now, lay off the alcohol and be sure to avoid stress prior to any sexual encounters. If you have a higher risk tolerance for potential STDs, maybe doing some things uncovered would work better for you. Maybe different condoms? Or maybe not paid sex at all. These are very thorny issues for which there are no patent solutions.

Trial and error + self-acceptance = peace of mind,
The Love Goddess

If I read the op correctly, it appears he scheduled an overnight date, with a lady he had never been with. For me, that's a big risk, that I'm not willing to take.
Don't know if it had anything to do with the "slow to climax" situation. I usually like a "test drive" before I plan an extended date. Never the less great response LG. Happy Holidays!

LG

Appreciate your response, and, yes, I can take it. Just to be clear. It's not 2 hours of straight sex. It's usually an hour of intense and erotic foreplay. The act itself takes less than 15 minutes. But I take your points. I have chosen to communicate openly with my partner and ask her directly if she thinks my style is compatible with her. I also had a date recently with another lady who fits your description of the slow tantric style and it was marvelous. As for the gentleman's comment about over night, he is correct. It was an experiment - but I believe the stress/alcohol the issue, not first time.  Thnx again.

All this time, I thought I was a quick pop. After reading the reviews of all these guys banging or getting banged for 15, 20 up to 45 minutes...I thought I was really inadequate.

Sex should not be scripted.

Each man has a tempo, and if you are serious about your job of being a client pleaser, then please recognize this and understand that you need to adapt yourself to him (or her).

I often have wonderful sessions where I will come only once in as much as four hours, but since so much time was spent in other blissful activites such as massage, bathing together, hugging and kissing, dining, oral sex, manual sex, conversation, etc., I never felt either inadequate or cheated.

On the other hand, I've had less than satisfying sessions where I came several times, but mostly because of the insistance of the provider on doing things a certain way.  I'm not saying I didn't enjoy these sessions.  (After all, sex and orgasm isn't exactly like doing your taxes.)  But these sessions could have been more enjoyable if I didn't feel like I had to perform in a certain way to satisfy some script that the provider was working from.

Of course sex in a mutual relationship between two SOs is another matter that needs its own thread (or a thousand of them).  This refers only to the client/provider relationship.

and that is that providers are not the only guilty parties. Hobbyists have been known to pigeonehole a provider to the extreme, often based on reading reviews that highlight a particular talent or feature of the lady in question. And if for some reason the provider deviates from the expected - bam, she gets a poor or unsatisfactory grade from the disappointed hobbyist.

This is the double-edged sword of putting too much stock in the reviews. Despite the immense benefit of TER for BOTH parties, we must never lose sight of the fact that sex is a magical MUTUAL ride, and that if we let it unfold with just a few less expectations, miracles really can happen.

Sermon of the day,
The Love Goddess

I'm going to weigh in last time, and thank you LG for your thoughtful responses.

I think the reason I put so much mental energy into this experience is that both the provider and I were highly attracted to each other (yes, LG, I know boundaries and also know chemistry when I see it).
It wasn't a competition or rehearsed until the last hour - I have learned a lot from the experience and this exchange, esp your comment LG about how condoms can be harmful to a woman over time. I also have learned that a 2nd time is much more predictable, maybe even spontaneous. Yes, it is unfortunate that a paid experience can lead to disfunction, but we guys are trying to get as much outta of the time as possible.