I've been receiving emails from a particular client for about 8 months now.  When he first contacted me he was overly aggressive in his demands for an appointment and texted me about 5 times a day.  I asked him to stop and he did for awhile but soon resumed emailing me.  I have ignored almost all of his emails.  Last week he called for the first time and I answered.  Since I was out of town at the time it was easy to ask him to try back later.  Try again he did.  This time I told him my schedule was booked and sent him an email a few hours later refering him to another practitioner.  His response?  He sent me an email saying he was ready to share his background and establish himself as a client.  At this point I specifically asked him to stop contacting me.  He waited two days before emailing me again.

I've ignored this guy for months on end, I've told him to go away.  What else can I do?  Yes, I realize I can block his email addresses but if his behavior escalates I want to know about it.

LG:  Any advice on how to proceed with someone who doesn't seem to take no for an answer?  I have no intention of ever scheduling with him and I want to lose him for good.

-- Modified on 3/6/2009 8:20:48 AM

Dear Yasodhara,

The way I see it, you have a two main alternatives.

One is to block his email addresses. If you do, he won't be able to contact you via email. If he calls you and you happen to answer, tell him
a)that you have no intentions of seeing him
b)he is harassing you
c)that there are legal avenues to stop him from doing so.

Another is to continue ignoring him and watching the behavior escalate. If it does, you will have to contact police for your safety.

In either case, if the behavior continues, you will have to contact authorities for a TRO (temporary restraining order.) It is for your protection; do not be afraid, the police will not arrest you for solicitation of prostitution just because you are filing a TRO.

My advice, FWIV, is to block any and all opportunities for him to contact you. It is not your job to analyze him or watch him "escalate his behavior." Unfortunately, tragedies do happen because of inaction, fear or confusion on the part of the victim, particularly in stalking cases. Hence, you must become very proactive on your part. Yes, I know it's not particularly appealing or fun, but you need to set limits, both for yourself and for him.

Cut him off NOW please,
the Love Goddess

I am assuming you meant you didn't block his email because you want to see if he is writing you but you are responding.  Obviously if you respond even once to him or give him any indication his actions are attracting your attention, he is gonna keep right on doing it.

I will be interested in seeing what LG has to say but I would think it would be hard for you to get a court ordered decision without exposing what you are doing to LE.  If you have a 3rd party intervene, then he will most likely continue to persist in bothering you since there don't appear to be any negative consequences for him to continue to do.

I am not sure why you are continuing to monitor his email though.  He has had written communication with you, then verbal via the phone call, the next escalation for him would to be actually in your presence.  Does he has the ability to find you?

No, he does not know where to find me, nor does he have my real name.  I am not responding to his emails.  The reason I haven't blocked them is because there's nothing inflamatory in them.  But if he were to escalate and start making threats, or he indicates he DOES know who and where I am, I'd like to know to protect myself.  

Thanks for the advice.

Well, based on nothing more than exactly what you wrote, I think you've just encountered a guy at the low end of the education spectrum and who may well be good intentioned but stupid.

Since he hasn't threatened you in any way, there is no basis to assume he would unless somehow he's provoked.

At this point, I would have to disagree temporarily with our LG in that, I would first try to let things just go away quietly by avoiding all contact toward him, but you may wish to look at emails just to satisfy yourself that his approach has not become threatening.

If his tone does change for the worse, by all means, I believe the LG is on target.

The argument about exposing one's activity to LE is precisely why some prostitutes have met assault and death. Anecdotally, LE does NOT interfere and manages to keep apples and oranges separately. Just like on her website or contact info, she is under no legal obligation to tell LE she is soliciting for prostitution - that's up to the stalker to claim. My final advice is always to consult a lawyer, since this site is for entertainment and not legal counsel.

Please do not dissuade women from coming forward when they are being stalked. Seeking legal representation - a 3rd party - is exactly what this lady needs to do in order to stop the stalking and to become aware of her legal rights.

Thank you,
the Love Goddess

your excellent response to her posted after I had written my original note while my was still waiting to be approved and I didn't think there was anyway to stop it from posting.

Repeatedly attempting to contact someone after they have asked you to stop is a form of assault in that it's a violation of that person's personal boundaries, and if nothing else, an assault on the senses every time s/he sees the message or email from him/her. So, she has a right to be concerned as to whether his assaultive behavior will change in it's nature to something even more threatening. I can see no basis upon which to assume he is probably just good-natured, but is either stupid or lacks education. No means no, even to a two-year old.

Well, yes, we both posted the same caution that she should be concerned as to whether or not anything escalates... we agree... I just don't think extreme measures are yet warranted unless things do appear to be escalating.  In this "game" we all play, it's usually best to avoid confrontation unless it's needed.  And if so, as the LG described, there are many options at her disposal.  My gosh, if I went after TROs for everyone who ticked me off I'd be in court an awful lot... or in other words, we don't always need to fight a battle just because one is offered to us .. sometimes the battle isn't necessary to win the war.

posting this, additionally, on the Legal Corner board. I agree with LG that this character is more than just a nuisance, and there are some folks on that board who can help you with exact proceedures on who to contact.

I think there are four issues here. 1. What behavior constitutes a threat, 2. What threatening behavior warrants an appropriate defense, 3. What should that defense be. and 4. Not excusing away inappropriate behavior. I was addressing points 1 and 4. We seem to agree on points 3 and 4.

I'd like to clear something up.  When I referred this guy to another practitioner I had never asked him to stop contacting me.  In fact, he's never even said anything odd to me, he just keeps asking for an appt.  AFTER I referred him, I told him to stop contacting me.  So when I sent him along with the website for another practitioner he was just a guy I didn't want to work with.

I don't know much about this, but is seems like compulsive behavior to me.  There are so many providers out there, that if one provider asked not to be contacted, a normal person (hobbyists), would seek other providers to see.

The fact that he keeps coming to Yasodhara when she has never seen or contacted this person is "creepy."  

Yasodhara, can you for any reason know why he has fixated on you without ever seeing you? I being a normal guy that enjoys the hobby, finds this to be weird.

I don't think he is fixated on me, he's fixated on what I do.  I'm a tantric healer and educator.  As it turns out, the woman I referred him to had already crossed paths with him.  He contacted her in November.  She identified him as a sex addict and restrictd her offering to him to avoid feeding into his addiction.  He wouldn't schedule an appt with the limitations she had.

Someone here suggested this guy was unfamiliar with hobbying and that's exactly how he comes off.  20 emails asking for an appt, all ignored, and he hasn't taken the clue yet.  But he keeps talking about how great the experience would be.

Hmmm...Yasodhara,
20 emails and you haven't blocked them yet? Why not, is my question....

Seems odd,
the Love Goddess

I've already answered that, LG.  I appreciate your input and I believe you are well intended.  At this point I feel incredibly done with the conversation.  These things often take on a life of their own.

Regards,
Yasodhara

In my opinion, you giving him any kind of response is getting him going. Why don't you just delete his e-mails and save his number in your phone so when he calls you know not to answer. Simple as that.

I wish you the best.  You really seem like a nice person.

Cruzin

There are some men in this arena who find it insulting to be rejected/refused by a sex worker and this escalates their already inappropriate attitude.

I come across it a lot as I don't see certain types of men and was honest in letting them know why...bad move on my part as it only pisses them off and makes them crazy. Now I lie like a rug.

She either has one of these or a nut-job who is fixated for a reason he only knows. Either way, it's not pleasant.