Dear LG,

If you just got a girlfriend recently, what is the best method as a man can you implement to prevent her from leaving you or going to another man? Research has shown having security and confidence in a man as a main reason, but you also wrote on your website that women will tend to cheat as they find a better potential suitor. So is there even a possible way?

Dear Justfellinlove,

Not to be snide, but...if you think there is something you can "do to prevent [your girlfriend] from leaving you or going to another man," then let me tell you about a bridge in my back yard I'd like to sell to you.

The answer is that unless you forcibly coerce people to do something, people will do whatever they want - and that includes your girlfriend. In fact, I would drop the whole concept of "preventing," and "best method" - there isn't one.

Yes, it is a fact that women will cheat. And so will men. But not all men or women, just some, depending on the situation. There has to be some kind of precipitating event. Hence, it's equally about what you DO to someone and what you DON'T do. And that list is long and very individualized. Since we don't know your girlfriend, we don't know what makes her tick or get ticked off. It could be anything - one woman's meat is another woman's poison.

Your best bet is to behave like a caring, empathic, courteous and considerate individual toward her, in addition to being kind to others. If you are a good person who listens to her, who participates in her ideas, who helps her when she is in need AND can do that with a smile, there's probably not much reason for her to look elsewhere. And of course, give her enough space to breathe. If you hyperfocus on her, she may feel slightly under the microscope and pull back. Yes, it's a delicate dance, but so is young love.

Let's all recite the Serenity Prayer,
The Love Goddess

I was just involved in a similar discussion on another board. What came out was could you buy exclusivity. My answer is no exclusivity like respect and honor has to be earned. As related to your question.. my personal experience is you should do nothing but be your self. In the long term if you figure out those things that make her happy but they are not in your nature you will eventually become unhappy and stray yourself. If you have done things to "KEEP" her then you will inflict great pain when you can no longer keep up the sharade.

It is easy to FALL in love but do you have what it takes to stay in love. Picture yourself 30 years from now will the things you truly like be the same things that she likes? Never "give up" who you are to please someone else it will only bring unhappiness to yourself.

Be your self in the beginning, and understand what it is about you that has her caring about you, and don't neglect it. In the beginning of a relationship we tend to heap on those things that has the other person caring about us, but as the relationship goes on, we start pulling the resources supplying those things to other venues of our lives. Often those resources (time, energy, money, attention) were pulled from areas like school, career, family, friends, hobbies, etc., to be directed to our new flame. But, once things settle down, those resources get redirected back to those original areas, and our new flame wonders what happened. Negotiating this phase is very tricky. Good luck.

Another thing to think about is what will your response be when she does cheat? I use to think of fidelity as abstaining from all others, but as I've looked at committed relationships from other cultures around the world, it now has come to mean, to me, returning home to your SO one more time.

JK!! I could lite up this board with a myriad of stuff like 'don't squeeze the toothpaste in the middle'. That isn't going to help "keep" anyone. What will? I dunno. So-far you have received some great advice. Be yourself. My guess is that she already likes "yourself". Correct? Grow with each other. Try new things TOGETHER. Have your own time away from each other as well.

IMO, as long as you grow together, the chances of growing 'apart' minimize themselves.


My 'readers digest' answer

(still not mrfisher)

but the theory is somewhat sound, at least in my experience:

The more you worry about a gal leaving, the more likely it is that she will.

The less you worry about her leaving, the less likely she will.

I might also add:  Becareful what you wish for; it just must happen.

(still not OSP)

Sounds like you've got something good going, roll with it, don't think negative!

Women are attracted to men who are comfortable in their own skin and exude confidence.  They don't have to be the best looking, but they have to project that they're worthy of the woman's affections.

You've gotten all the advice you need in the above posts.  Over time, you can only be yourself, so don't try to be someone else.  But if being yourself means you act in a selfish manner or some other negative way, then don't be surprised if she splits.  Keeping your house clean, treating her with respect, being attentive, responsive and sincere, all of these things are probably more important than looks or money in the long run.  But if they're not enough to keep her interested in you, then she would have gone anyway and you shouldn't worry about it.

We all want to be loved, but it's a delicate dance to find the right person at the right time.  Be authentic, show her who you are and that you're a good person worthy of her affection.  That's really all you can do.

One other quick comment about the vagaries of sexual attraction.  After I'd been married to my wife for several years, she told me one day in passing that the reason she was originally attracted to me was that I looked like all the male cousins in her family.  She didn't have any brothers, but she had lots of good memories of growing up with her male cousins.  When she met me, it was a comfortable fit for her, even if on a subconscious level, and allowed me enough time for her to get to know me through a 2nd and 3rd date.  

But it also made me wonder how many times I'd been rejected or lost out to another guy because I reminded someone of an unpleasant memory.  The point is, you're only in control of so much in a relationship, and it really comes down to you can only control your own actions and behavior.  The rest either falls into place or it doesn't, and you can't force something to work if it isn't meant to be.

-- Modified on 5/27/2010 1:30:55 PM

want to be me for the 'buck two eighty' that i'm worth.LOL


(still not a mangina)put in a good word for me.

I would advise you to stock up on some Tinactin.

8o)

Whenever I've starting a relationship with a woman, we were so into each other I didn't have space, in my mind, to even think about the possibility of her leaving. Good suggestion!

The problem is this is my first girl I fell in love with. I was told with the first it is usually different and it will usually hurt you the most when you lose her?

I agree strongly with the previous responses.  You can not "make someone love you" nor can you stop them from leaving.  

In my limited experence, people's personnas have a range of behaviour where they are comfortable & can "be themselves" long term.  You can not force someone else to go or stay outside their comfort zone, nor can you do so to "keep the girl".  To a certain extent we try to become someone the new partner will fall for.  Be sure, you stay within the person you can be comfortable with.

OK, If you can BE someone the new partner WANTS to be with (while both of you staying in their comfort zone) then the relationship has a chance.  The thing is you don't know what her comfort zone is...

So be a nice guy...  you already had a good summary...  I hope that's enough.
skb

Dear Justfellinlove,

Please understand that life is not some kind of cooke-cutter experience where losing the very first girl "will usually hurt you the most." That is inaccurate and incorrect on many levels. You could meet someone 10 years from now and lose her and it may impact you in ways you'd never imagined. Or you could be married to someone for 40 years, lose her and never recover.

If there is one thing to take away from this thread, it is that PEOPLE ARE INDIVIDUALS and there is no ONE THING that does this or that.

Try to expand your horizons, or your girlfriend may end up running away based on sheer boredom.

Deep sigh,
The Love Goddess

The really cool thing is that if you are genuinely yourself with someone and they still dig you, you don't have to do anything special to maintain the relationship. If this is not the case, then, not to be cold but, keep looking, aren't you worth it?

1. Don't tell her you don't want to lose her

2. Don't date her sister

3. Don't tell her you don't want to lose her

 If she leaves get over it ASAP, like immediately, and don't beg,or call more than once, or she will NEVER come back.