Dear LG,

I am writing because I really enjoy reading your advice and I think that you can understand the complexity of my situation without bias.

I have been a provider for 18 months. I am a happily married woman and have been going on nine years. I choose to keep my private life completely separate from my "work", therefore, choose to keep the fact that I am married to myself. I lead on that I am divorced, etc...

The problem is that, invariably, a number of my clients make very snide and extremely insulting remarks about my "ex". How he was stupid for letting me go, must be a total jackass and the list goes on. While I take this with a grain of salt, and see it as something of a compliment, I bristle and the easy insults that are heaped my husband's way. I don't insult a man's wife for choosing not to sleep with him or call her names just because they have issues. Men feel free to talk about their SO and other things because I really am a good listener.

I never bring up my personal life and am discrete to the point that I never ask a gentleman if he is married or his "situation". I don't like to discuss it because I truly feel that every man has his reasons for hobbying and as long as I am providing a wonderful, relaxed and awesome time I don't really need to know their personal situation.

Why do men feel the need to harangue another man? Can't they just keep the comments to themselves?

My husband is a wonderful man. He's the most wonderful, caring, kind hearted man I have ever known in my life. This is a Job. I choose to keep the reasons for providing from my clients but the #1 reason is that my SO is military and I've already gone through the scare of thinking he had been killed once and I can never ever ever go through that again. I think it would kill me. I don't think men would like the idea of banging some army guy's wife just so he can successfully exit the military without debt and a solid financial base.

How do I effectively stop my clients from talking about my "ex"? I know that perhaps I just need to have thicker skin but anyone saying something bad about him makes me upset. Should I just learn to shrug it off easier? Please let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,
YOS

they are insulting your fictional ex husband.

they arent even aware your husband exists.

why would u fabricate a story and then apply the responses to that fabrication to the truth ?

Hmmm, YourOnlySweetheart,

This is a perfect example of how difficult it can get to maintain boundaries and rein in self-disclosure in this profession. Curiously enough, the mental health profession has the same issue going on among young, inexperienced psychotherapists; oftentimes, they disclose about their own private lives to therapy clients, with the result that it comes right back at them and bites them in the patootie.

Now, the way we learn it in graduate school is simply this: Before you disclose [anything about your "private life,"] you have to ask yourself for whose benefit the disclosure is made. Is it ultimately for you - or for the client? An example of this would be a client who comes to me and whose mother has died. The client is grieving and looks at me with distress and asks: "do you even know what it's like to have your mother die?" And, to that I might volunteer, "yes, I do. My mother died when I was X years old." The disclosure of that fact is thus for the client and not for me. It is so that the client will feel comforted and reassured in the feeling that the therapist is empathizing with the client in his/her sadness, since the therapist has gone through something similar. But if the client asks me to tell him/her about my love life, I stay mum, simply because it's not relevant to the situation.

Now, this is just an example, but I'm sure you understand what comes next. Namely, what benefit is it to the hobbyist if you disclose ANYTHING about your marital status at all? I think it's best to maintain a clear boundary between your public and your private life, lest you should be affected [as you have been] by client comments. Of course, the clients may heap scorn on your "ex" because they want to give you a back-handed compliment, or simply show that they care. But, since it's not really your "ex," but in fact your real-life husband, you become hurt and affected.

It's very simple, really: do not discuss such aspects of your private life. Try to maintain some mystery. Many very successful providers manage to have both husbands and children, none of which gets discussed with hobbyists. The reason: it's none of their business. The hobbyist isn't there to participate in your private life, he's there to get a service, period. Now, the service can be beautiful, grand, supersexy, romantic, all those things...but it doesn't have to involve any details about your personal love life. There are zillions of other things to discuss inbetween the nookie.

And of course, I assume that you don't discuss your hobbyist clients with your husband [unless he finds it erotically exciting]? Hence, why the other way around? So, if you want to avoid these entanglements, do not offer any more information. Or, you can say that you are not dating anyone special...or that you have "many boyfriends like you" [smile and point to client.] But going into stories that are not even true AND becoming affected by the ensuing reactions is clearly non-productive.

Enjoy your private life, free from comments
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 3/2/2008 12:43:07 AM

-- Modified on 3/2/2008 12:43:31 AM

-- Modified on 11/14/2008 4:31:16 PM

I am intelligent enough to see the obvious so please take your insults somewhere else. My question was how to prevent them from making comments in the first place not how to deal with the comments themselves. Try forming an intelligent answer that addresses the actual question and not question why I do things.

Don't attach my question to the fact that you obviously did not read the entire query. My question is why men feel the need to comment and an easy way to prevent it.

But, obviously, since you've opened YOUR mouth I can see the answer quite clearly.

You just don't know when to be quiet.




-- Modified on 3/2/2008 7:08:20 AM

Sweetheart....Please see my reply to you on the provider board re: this thread.

xoxo

PS, YourOnlySweetheart,

I am sorry if I did not address the question  as to "why men feel the need to comment" adequately. Men are competitive critters. It is within their genetic imperative to devalue their "opponents" and to aggrandize themselves within the female's eyes, even if it appears totally silly.

This is in the same league as "my [insert object here] is bigger than yours." It starts in the sandbox, and it's called "jockeying for position." So when a man talks badly about your "ex," he is doing it not only to show sympathy for you, but also to make himself look better in your eyes. Women do the same thing when they compete, but they are much more insinuating and oftentimes won't go all the way out with bombastic statements about their "opponent."

So in terms of prevention - never discuss your private life with men in this regard. Acting "coy," despite its ultimate silliness, is part of the game here. When a man comes to see you, he wants to feel that he is the only one and that there is no other "competitor." Even if it's an ex we're talking about, that "devaluing/kick-him-off-the-turf" mechanism sets in. I doubt that you will EVER hear praise for another man from someone who's just about to bone you. Simply doesn't happen - the wiring is not connected that way.

And remember, a lot of successful escorting involves ACTING. Which you already are doing, very well - you just need to change the periferal players in the presented scenario.

Go get 'em,
the Love Goddess

And answers. Perhaps I just need to be more mysterious and leave that all up to them to create a fantasy in their head.

I was asked if I may be inviting the comments by something I say but to be honest, I truly don't.

To me it's rare that I have a client who does NOT ask about my personal situation which I find highly invasive and try to discourage.

I am just perplexed with how easy these men question me but if the shoe were on the other foot and I was so inquisitive I believe their lips would shut a whole lot faster.


Thank you for your advice I will let you know how things work out.

YOS

I would suggest that the comments are meant to be complementary to you not disparaging to your "ex", please consider another possibility that perhaps you are using your "ex" as reason for the hobbiest to feel the need to protect you and possibly dig a bit deeper when it comes to gratuities. This tactic is frequently employed by strippers to get patrons to dig deeper, so changing your story may keep them from disparaging your "ex" but may effect your bottom line. as protectors men want to help women that have been "abused" in any manner by other men.

riding my bike down the hill no-handed in front of the blond girl I couldn't get out of my mind when I was twelve.  Or the too many other cringe inducing memories of all of the stupid things I've done to impress a woman.  What you're describing, YourOnlySweetheart, is the same thing, only on an older, less mature level.  It's not rational, explainable, or unavoidable, it's just the way we are wired.  One of the reasons I'm not gay - I wouldn't be able to deal with bonehead guys.









-- Modified on 3/2/2008 11:34:29 AM

You should just tell them you are single or in between relationships right now (which is the truth, because you're married and still working at the hobby).  You really are in between things because most likely if you could find another job that gave you the flexibility and the amount of money this one did, you would take it.  Unless you really like it that much, which is fine, and a whole other reason for doing it.

My advice:  Consider yourself more of an actress.  Invent, in your mind, a whole other life for the "character" you play.  Give her a different history from yours and make up a really shitty ex-husband who screwed things up.  This is what real actors do when they get a role.  Then when they bash your ex, they won't be bashing your husband, but this other person you've created.

By the way, you sound like a very nice and sincere person from your post, so a lot of those guys probably want you all to themselves (even if they're married or otherwise unavailable).  they're saying bad things about your ex because they can'y say what they really mean, which is that they want to be the next (hopefully not ex).

Youronlysweetheart, as I read your post, I realized I had said those very things to divorced ladies more than once and did not realize they could be taken the way you took them.

In my cases though, every time I have ever said it, I really meant it was difficult for me to understand how such a sweet lady could have a guy decide to leave her.

When I was a younger man, I worked with a guy who "preyed" on newly divorced women.  He would take advantage of all the insecurities caused by going through a divorce or separation, almost all of which at that time were initiated by the ex-husband.  His game was to get the lady to do things sexually she never did with her ex, working on her insecurities by making her feel guilty that those things were the reason she had been forced into a divorce.

He flaunted his "conquests" in front of the rest of the guys we worked with.  It was only then I realized the traumatic effect a divorce can cause a person emotionally when they did not choose to iniate it or have it.  

I feel you may be the type person who guys can really relate to (that proverbial GFE) and many of the comments were, as you said, meant as compliments to you or trying to protect you for emotional pain in some elemental way.  Many of us are not the most articulate in expressing what we are trying to convey.  

LG made an excellent point about the "competition" between guys of all ages and as she said, there is no need for us to know details of your personal life.

I would look at every one of those who said it as being attempts to compliment you, not throw your ex under the bus.  They only know you, and from what they have seen, are on your side.

To write a response. It was very well written and thoughtful. I agree that their process is to give me a back handed compliment and I know they are definitely not trying to hurt my feelings. I have great clients and would never imagine them saying something that they knew would intentionally hurt my feelings ever.

My main concern is that I may be too open and seem too much of the GFE which leads them to feel more comfortable asking those types of questions etc...

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

~YOS

forget the divorce routine-- it invites inquiry and comments like you are trying to avoid.

Personally, I'd just not talk about your home life at all...but if pressed and you're gonna tell a lie, tell one that will derive a measure of sympathy and give them serious pause if they were to make any commentary at all--- I don't know, something like-- "I'm a widow-- and if you don't mind it's really not something I am comfortable talking about."-- guy's going to feel like a schmuck for asking and will probably bend over backwards to make sure he did not offend you-

I'm not a big fan of fibbing but since the whole experience is fantasy anyway...lol.

Lying is one thing. Protecting my privacy is another. I am sure no one who is in this hobby ever lied to anyone right...

Give me a break. It's a fantasy and should be treated as such. I don't ask about guys personal situations and how would I know if they were telling me the truth or lying?

As for saying I was a widow...never. That's worse than saying I am divorced.

You might try saying that he was actually a pretty terrific guy, and that you get along better now, and marriage just wasn't for the two of you. If nothing else, it may at least lead into a different subject.

Just a thought.

I don't get why you were offended at the widow suggestion.  It seemed like a practical one.  But you say that is "worse".  You engage in the divorce ruse to deflect inquiries into your private life, and that's OK, but your tactic still provokes comments you don't like.  Hence the suggestion to change the ruse.  You seem to think the divorce ruse itself is bad (disrespectful to your husband?) and therefore a different ruse is "worse"?

Agreed, they're insulting a fictional person you made up.  Men are competitive that way.  Besides, be happy.  They're trying to say you are such a great woman that no man in his right mind would leave you.  

Here's a different approach.  Tell them you're married!  Believe me, some guys get off on the idea of being with a married woman.  And I'm sure plenty will start telling you what a lucky guy your husband is.

Look sweetheart the negative comments about your
"divorced husband" was created as a result of your LIE, no lie  no negative comments so if you can't stand the heat  GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN !

Don't say or volunteer anything.  The guy should not ask, and if he does, just say you do not discuss your personal life.  I've seen a number of fabulous women and often wondered why they were not married, but I don't ask, even though its my opinion that if they wanted to, they would not have had any difficulty marrying someone with sufficient wealth/income to give them a lifestyle beyond what they get from the hobby. But I don't ask as I don't think its my place to do so.  I have an ATF who, if I were younger and single, and she were willing, I'd readily be interested in a deeper relationship with; but She never discusses her personal life/situation relative to a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, so I do not think its my place to be nosey and inquire.

So keep your snide comments to yourself. Have you ever lied about your involvement in the hobby? Then don't judge me. I don't think anyone in this hobby should judge another person or their practices. I did not ask to be judged, just for advice. If you don't have advice that pertains to me then keep your mouth shut. I really don't give a shit if you don't like the fact that I build my business on a fantasy instead of the truth.

If your gentleman freind spends time with you and you show the persona of nice lady, smart and loves sex, then you tell him that you are divorsed, his natural thought would be why?  Rational thought would be that your ex must be out of his mind as the guy compares his situation to how it would be different if his SO was like you.

Your same persona and your response of I am single and still looking for that man the fits my life, your response would be entirely different(you might even get offers)!

If your response was that you had a B?F or G?F your gentleman suitor would have a totally different response in each case.

Then if you told your clients that you were indeed happily married you would again get a different response.

The facade that you create gets a response that bothers you, change the facade so you don't have men bashing your untrue ex, but loving husband.  another way to prevent this anguish you feel would be to post/ or tell your clients that personal conversation will not be tolerated.  That of course may turn some guys off that think that personal conversation goes with GFE, I would think that this would be minimal at best.  Be honest with guys and tell them that they are not to ask questions about your family under any circumstances.  IMHO

I am glad you shared your thought and i hope you get some good responses out of it that might help your cope with the situation.

oxOXox

PS

Yes, there are both men and women that will look at thing in a superficial way.  My whatever is/are bigger than yours.  I/my husband makes more money or our/my house is bigger.  There are those that also play the I/we are more intellectual than you are.  

Whatever, but I do not think it can adequately describe the masses.  There are those men and women that are true ego builders and always want to make the person they are with feel better when the leave the before they met.  I think in this hobby it applies to both sexes even though the providers may be expected by some to do just that because they are being paid.  I do recall many ladies stating that they do this because they genuinely love the work they do and believe themselves to be true courtesans.  I do believe that there are men that hobby that have a genuine urge to want the woman they are with to feel good about themselves and have a good time as well.  That being said we all know that there are women in the business only for the money and it is often evident during a session, there are also those men that are paying to get their rocks off and that is it.  Again this is IMHO.

I do enjoy your thoughts as they are thought provoking and provide some life on the Internet!

oxOXox

PS

I agree with the one entirely!

PS

you took this fellow out behind the building for a freindly chat on how badly he was treating these ladies!

PS

creates emitional distress for you and possibly kills your mind set for the short term in your meeting with the guy.  I would simply tell him I don't like the questions and will not answer it!  If I understand your thoughts here you would prefer not to discuss this topic.....then DON"T!

Put it back on the guy for asking a question that is too personal and let him deal with his own feelings, don't put yours at risk.

PS

Why not tell these inquiring minds that you are not in a relationship,not looking to be in a relationship,and you find the all tha intimacy and sexual fullfillment that you need by providing world class service with a smile!!!
Men play games,your personal life is not a game and you make it perfectly clear that your personal life is out of bounds.Most men have played or watched some type of sports in their lives and clearly understand what out of bounds means,Out is Out... .No insatnt replay.
Be Firm but Fair!!!Good Luck to you.....!!!

PS, I am ashamed to say I did not.  This is one of those things in my life I look back on with regret.  

This happened when I was in my mid 20's and this guy was about ten years my senior and was a higher level manager than I was.  Also, while I am tall and athletically built, this guy was almost as tall as I am but was a body builder so he was physically quite intimidating.

Now as a "mature" guy, I have a totally different take on things and now would not have hesitated to set him straight as to my disdain of his actions, no matter his position or physique.  

It really was disgusting to witness.

I must be from another planet.

Since when does a happily married escort bang other guys for debt relief while her husband defends freedom on far side of planet?

After nine years of bliss, you decide to provide comfort to horny guys for debt relief while waiting to hear if hubby is coming home alive?

I don't buy your story.

Your big gripe is that after mentioning you have an ex-husband, your little white lie, a client or two mentions  he thinks your husband was foolish to leave you.

Maybe the real problem is your conscience bothers you when their insults remind you that your husband is alive and still married to you.

Why not just admit you are providing to fulfill your sexual desires while your husband is away and the donation makes you feel better about it?

Hey jackass did I ever once say that he didn't know about it? No I didn't. So get off your high horse and stop assuming you know anything about me. If you don't have any relative advice I suggest shutting the hell up and keeping your sarcastic opinions to yourself.

I don't do this to fulfill my sexual appetite. My husband has, and will always, fulfill my sexual appetites. I didn't "start" when he left and I am not going to "quit" when he comes home.

Save your judgmental comments for someone else.

OK, here is my answer to your original question.

Question: "How do I effectively stop my clients from talking about my "ex"?"

Answer: Shut up about your personal life. Do your "job", go home. Simple.



As for your response to my analysis of your situation, I think I was dead on. You just don't like a brutally honest opinion.