I am married and now in my 50s. I can easily become aroused and erect whenever I view porn, think of a past sexual encounter or see a beautiful female from afar. However, when a real sexual situation comes up, like being with a "real" woman (wife, girlfriend or provider) who I am about to have sex with, my little guy has great difficulty responding. Sometimes, I can initially respond when she starts stroking my cock, but within a few minutes, my subconscious mind  realizes that I cannot control the pace or feel of the action. That, in turn, interferes with my arousal and I either cannot get fully erect or lose my erection. Of course, when that happens, I start to stress and the eventual orgasm is diminished in intensity and is far less enjoyable than if I did things "my own way." With my wife, at least, I was finally able to block the real action out and fantasize, but when you're paying to see a provider, you want to paticipate in the moment and enjoy her beauty and what she's doing. Because of my erection problems, that also means that I've only been able to have successful intercourse with my wife. I've theorized that I need to control my environment and cannot fully relax if someone else takes control of my arousal. But I really  don't feel nervous beofre sex and feel very relaxed when I begin the encounter. I just can't find that "place" in my mind where I can fully enjoy what's actually happening. Maybe, because my sexual outlet was solely masturbation for 10 years before my first sexual experience, I became "locked in" to this pattern. I always envy the guys who say how they get "rock hard" when they start kissing a provider, but I am soft until she actually starts touching my cock. I'd love to do "everything" with a provider, but because I can't stay hard, I have to stick with blowjobs. ED medications don't work, because this is all mental. I'm writing this here, Love Goddess, because I know that you have professional experience and may give me some direction and hope. I have seen a couple of counselors, but little good came from it. Maybe, it's part of my personality and I'm too old to change, but if there's any hope of finding an answer I'm willing to follow up.

Dear infomike,
It seems you have the answer to most of your questions...except the one where you speculate about being "too old to change."

Yes, you can change. You are describing a classic case of performance anxiety. Yes, some of it has been brought on by the ease of masturbating to porn [that's a learned sexual scripting] and some of it comes from the lack of familiarity and sense of control when you are with another person.

I would suggest making an appointment with a behavioral sex therapist who is specifically trained to alleviate these issues. S/he may recommend a sex surrogate [NOT the same as a provider] and other specific things to do.

One piece of advice would be to stop with the masturbation and porn, and restrict yourself to "live" females. In addition, please do not "push" yourself. Let things take their course. Yes, it may seem frustrating, but I bet that if you do NOT masturbate or view porn for 45-60 days, you'll be hornier than a ten-peckered owl and you WILL ejaculate together with a female. Maybe it won't be from coital intromission - it could be from just a handjob. But you'll need to proceed slowly in this case, and with some deliberation.

I have no idea about the "counselors" you've seen, but unless they were specifically trained in behavioral exercises to alter your sexual pattern, I'm not surprised that you got no relief.

This is a fairly common problem for those who masturbate extensively. It's also a problem of mental control, as you pointed out. I don't believe it's part of your "personality," just your scripting that can be changed.

Start tomorrow...why not?
the Love Goddess

LG, can you recommend any referral services where people can find in their region therapists of the type you are describing? Thanks.

Pine for the Fiords no more,
please go to www.aasect.org and follow the prompts for searching in your region,

the Love Goddess

Thanks, Love Goddess for your reply..but I have a couple clarifications/questions: Several weeks ago, I actually stopped masturbating to orgasm. It definitely helped my desire level. Before seeing the last provider, I had no orgasm for 2 weeks. Having no orgasm for 45-60 days would be quite a stretch. Do you advise that time span exclusively for masturbation or does that include sex, too? Also, when you say to not view porn in that time duration, do you mean don't *masturbate* to porn, or don't even look at it?  I usually do not masturbate to orgasm when I look at porn, but I do enjoy looking!

As far as the counselors, I did see one that was trained in the performance anxiety field. He had my wife and I abstain from sex for a few weeks, while we did exercises. Like I said, I have acceptable success performing with my wife, but it's other women that give me the problems. So, it must be something else happening in my mind. Furthermore, it's tough to tell a therapist..."Hey, sex with my wife is okay, but can you help me have sex with escorts and my mistress?" Actually I think that a surrogate would be a great idea, but my research shows that they are in extremely limited numbers, basically in New York and L.A., not to mention the high expense.

It sucks that there are so few sex therapists. For example, it seems that there are only a half dozen in the entire Philadelphia area. Some of them believe in "relationship counseling" meaning that they feel that the key to good sex is working with your SO...not the ideal person to help you perform with providers!

Lovely - you rock, Love Goddess! Thanks.

Clarification, infomike, as follows:

No masturbating, w/ or w/o porn for 45 days and no looking at porn...but enjoy sex with "live" women as frequently as your genitals (and wallet?) can handle.

The trick is to "deplete" your brain circuits of all "solitary" means of stimulation, and condition yourself to enjoying sex exclusively with another person.

Yes, it seems you went to a Masters and Johnson-trained sex therapist. That's good; I still suggest going through the AASECT website to find a sex-positive therapist who understands that monogamy just isn't for everyone, and won't shove his or her morality ideas on to you. A surrogate may not even be necessary if you find someone who is understanding and willing to help. But of course, trust is paramount here. I do understand that disclosure of extramarital activities takes believing that the therapist won't be judgmental.

Finally...if you find an understanding ATF and go through these issues with her, she may be able to assist in your progress.

Wishing you the best on your sexual improvement,
the Love Goddess

Wow..no looking at porn? That's quite a challenge! Now, I have to decide exactly what IS porn (naked women included?)

So after 45 days are through, then what? If I'm having success, do I never masturbate or look at porn, again? Or if it doesn't work, do I go back to normal or do I continue with the hands-off-penis and visual stimuli program?

-- Modified on 6/27/2007 9:22:58 PM

and I've never felt better, or been happier!

This is one of LG's best suggestions.

Once you get started: after you schedule a few real encounters, abstaining from masturbation becomes very easy. (Yes, hard on the wallet, but, if your wife isn't responsive, what's money for?)

I suspect men evolved by having sex with lots of women, not masturbating as much, except maybe on a few long male hunting expeditions.  

Sex with real woman/women = happiness.
Solitary sex = a not so pleasant substitute.
Simple as that.

congratulations, bg!
Let us not forget that (in all probability) evolution from our common ancestor with the great apes we are hardwired to the fact that "females come with pussy, males come with dick and dick is meant to be stuffed into pussy for mutual pleasure."
Everything else is "ersatz", like roasted chicory for coffee to hark back to Europe in WW2.

ski

Well, I'm only on day 7! I find that I really don't need to masturbate any more, anyway. It was a mental habit that developed when I was a teen and actually needed the physical release.

very interesting discussion.  I'm 60, constantly horny (you ALL know the story about wives in long marriages) and just began to see providers.  I must say that LG's advice about obstaining from masturbation is excellent.  Even at my "advanced age!" I can have sex everyday, but masturbation was becoming very difficult.  I think mostly due to the anger about having to do it - no interest from wife, and that after all these years viewing porn is just boring.

I found I had some performance problems in my first encounters with providers but after quitting the hand game I'm making out much better.   Wish I didn't have to do it, as my wife is beautiful and I desire her everyday, but if you don't get some, you go nuts.