Dear Love Goddess, please help me understand.

I was stupid and got involved with a client for about 3 years.  The majority of those three years were wonderful because we had a great time traveling together and he became my theater buddy and confidant.  The sex was amazing in the honeymoon period, and for me it pretty good most of the time but due to the nature of his professional job he was often tired and lacked passion.  In the end things got the way they do in any stale relationship--boring.  It was obvious he didn’t want to work on it but he also sent me mixed signals.  He has since taken a job several thousand miles away which is for the best. Now that our relationship has ended I am questioning whether he was really exhausted or  was playing with a transsexual during trips to visit family in Canada.  I believe he was jerking off to her web cam site too often instead of getting it on with me.

I accidently found out alot about his escapades after he left because he was not too smart about covering up his cyber tracks.  I won’t elaborate, but I am still in a state of shock.

Love Goddess, I need to understand whether or not this man is straight, bi or gay if he sees transsexuals.  My friend had listed himself as straight on this TS Provider’s web site, but is that possible?  This TS has video of her pounding her half flaccid man meat while otherwise looking somewhat like a (rather homely) woman with breasts.  

Can you help me understand what drives a man to see a transsexual?  I know I rocked this man’s world for a period of time.   Even with accepting he is no longer a part of my life I cannot get over my shock, anger and disgust with him.  I don’t have a problem with the lady or her orientation as I sense she is a good person and wish her well.  My issue is with my ex friend and the secrecy around his activities.  I was always open with him, although we never discussed details of my activities.  I actually stopped providing during part of our relationship because I wanted to save my lust only for him.

I need to work through my confusion and pain so I can move on.  This is so different than any other heartbreak I've experienced.

Lessons learned:

-Dating clients never works out
-If something seems fishy, it is. Don't make excuses

So, what's the deal with men and transsexuals?

I am new to this board so if you have discussed transsexuals before, my apologies.

Thank you Love Goddess,

SKP

Dear SweetKindProvider,

Yes, the topic of transgender women comes up from time to time. First of all, let's use the correct terminology. "Transsexual" is someone who has had or is about to have GCS, i.e. gender-confirming surgery. So someone who still has a penis is technically not transsexual, but would fall under the umbrella term "transgender." Some would also call such a woman a "preop transsexual," but this term is fading - a good thing, in my opinion. We don't need more labels, we need less. Ergo, the guy is into TG women.

In any event, you are wondering "what drives a man to see a transsexual." I'd have to say, the same thing that drives a man to do or see a blonde with big tits, or another man with blue eyes, or just about anything or anyone that turns him on. Some men are turned on by women with penises. It's as simple as that. That doesn't mean that he wasn't turned on by you - far from it. He could be turned on by female-born females AND transgender women - many men are. It's uncommon but not rare, as evidenced by the fact that we have a whole board dedicated to transgender women and their clients.

Now, this does not mean that he is homosexual or even bisexual. Many people have great difficulty in understanding and separating genitals from gender. They believe that if it has a penis, then it must be male. Far from it. Transgender women with penises are just that - at one time biologically male, now transitioned to female with hormones, but who for varying reasons have retained their penises. Many TG women do want the genital surgery and many work in the sex industry to make the money to pay for it. Other TG women have decided that they would feel odd if a body part was chopped off; in addition, they may not want to take the risk of severing so many nerves that they will never experience any sexual arousal again (unfortunately this can happen with surgery).

So your issue is about your former boyfriend's secrecy around his preference and his activities. Yes, for whatever it's worth, he is not gay. Is he heterosexual? That's up to him to decide. I'd say he is a heterosexual male who likes women with penises. And, since that's NOT accepted in society at large (just watch this thread and you'll see people arguing that it's weird, gay or otherwise "not straight"), of course he's going to keep it secret. On the other hand, he'd probably keep ANY other sexual activity secret from you, since he may have sensed your emotional investment in the relationship.

I don't see it as any different than a guy who for many reasons can't commit to a relationship with only one woman and has to keep his cheating from her. Did he marry you? Did he pledge exclusive fidelity to you? To me, it seems that he was using the relationship - and to some extent using you as well - to satisfy his need for connection with someone who was willing to give so much more in return.

This man is no different from most guys who are not willing to go exclusive with a woman. Yes, he's into transgender women for purely sexual purposes - he gets an erotic charge from it. As you pointed out, your relationship got "stale and boring." Hence, he was getting his kicks from going on the Net and playing around. It's less about the fact that he was playing around to and with a TG woman, than the fact that he wasn't into creating a permanent bond with you. He used you for his own purposes, and I believe that is why you are in so much pain. Of course if he paid you during those 3 years, then he probably doesn't see it that way (and the case can be argued that as long as you accepted any kind of payment, all was fair). He didn't put in half of what you put into the relationship, emotionally or spiritually.

This is often what happens when clients and providers enter into relationships where boundaries get crossed and emotional investments are made on either side of the fence. My advice to you is to get some individual psychotherapy if you can't move on. As you've pointed out, you have learned some simple but invaluable lessons, the biggest one being unavailable to clients off the clock.

His memory will fade in time,
The Love Goddess

I feel better after reading your words.   I knew the score but choose to make excuses and turn the other cheek.  I thought that this man was so psychologically damaged by a nasty divorce that I would help fix him.  We can only fix ourselves as the process comes from within. I now better understand why his wife took off with another guy.  He is emotionally distant and selfish in his personal, business and family relationships.
I need and deserve to be with someone who will be there for me.  He never once asked how my day was because it was all about him.  Most of my client friends have more general concern for my well being and treat me kinder than this man did.  

Yes, he took advantage of my kindness in more ways than I will ever admit.

But I believe in Karma and I know somewhere, someday the right man will be there for me.

I'm just a hopeless romantic....

Topic for another thread on another day:

Why do smart women put up with guys like this and why do so many find themselves attracted to the bad boy loser type?  

Thank you very much and hugs to you.

Seems to me he had plenty of problems, but being a client wasn't the reason why you broke up, why he was fucked up, or why you're fed up.

Nothing in your post establishes a cause/effect relationship with him being a client.  Maybe it's true you shouldn't date clients, but this isn't the proof, merely a convenient rationalization.

The fact is, your relationship started and ended the way 90% of relationships start and end.  He may have had issues, but being a client wasn't the cause of any of them from what you've said.  Most "normal" relationships also result in a decline in sexual frequency over time.

You're assuming a fascination with transexuals was the reason for this, and maybe it was.  But I've known guys who were turned on by all sorts of things in porn that they'd never even think about pursuing in real life. Hell, I'm probably one of them- it's just the way the male brain works.

So the next time you go history hunting on a boyfriend's browser, don't be surprised if you find things you never expected.  This board is filled with guys that see providers in order to explore a secret sexual desire or fantasy.  It may be nothing more than a thing for red heads with big breasts, or a fetish for Catholic school girl uniforms.  But that hardly puts you in the same category as the Marquis de Sade.

The sooner you evaluate situations clearly, and see real cause and effect, the sooner you'll be able to make better, more reasoned, decisions in both life and love.




-- Modified on 12/4/2009 9:26:49 PM

what does EOM mean?
I've seen it alot on this site
oh and sorry about your selfish ex you sound like your pretty smart & think alot..you sure wrote alot!LoL
Hope you find the perfect match in you near future!
Brazil*

I thought I was being original, but it's been a very difficult day at the office, so my brains may be scrambled.

Come to think of it, my problem employee didn't quite understand the concept of cause and effect either.  

As I said, there is so much more.  I was not snooping into his web activity but wish I had 3 years ago.

A friend knew we had attempted to start a company together and looked for our website which was gone.  (My concept originally so I have taken on the project with others)  She then looked at the domain registration and discovered he had many domains registered to his real name and address.  

To my shock, this professional man (let's just say he holds a position in society that is highly respected) has been hosting TS porn sites since 2003!

I contacted him and explained that he should consider getting his name off these sites because all one had to do is Google pieces of his personal information and TS porn came up.  He immediately changed the domain registrations to private.  He could have lost his license if someone discovered this and turned him into the board.

When first confronted he told me he was helping a friend who could not work due to contracting Hep C from surgery.  He told me she had end stage liver failure.  So you know where I go every month and will for the next year? (Testing)  He claims that I have nothing to worry about, but would you trust him? I’m fine and will probably remain so but what further torments me is that this TS provider is still out on CL every week offering her body up for sale. So if she indeed has Hep C she could be spreading it to others.  Further more, this moron was posting on CL in the Philippines trying to get more people to sign on to his porn web cam business and he used his email address containing his real name!

Even after he attempted to mop up his mess my friend sent me a link to one of his TS web sites and his photo appears as one of the recent cam participants.  This photo was one he actually used on a corporate web site!  He listed himself as straight, hence my question to the Love Goddess.  Of course he has tried to remove all traces of his 2nd job and hobby, but perhaps I was too nice by giving him a heads up on potential problems.

Being an ethical person (not judgmental, ethical) it concerns me that he exploits others, especially due to the nature of his profession.  

I cannot imagine the humiliation the wives of public figures must endure when it is discovered their husbands have been involved in sexual escapades which are not considered the norm.  

As they say "The wife is always the last to know."

Yep, thanks Love Goddess. xoxo (Send me a bill for your great service) EOM

-- Modified on 12/5/2009 11:25:44 AM

You wrote, "I cannot imagine the humiliation the wives of public figures must endure when it is discovered their husbands have been involved in sexual escapades which are not considered the norm. "

Yet, the same is true of 'regular' wives who find out that their SOs have been dallying with providers. Unless you refuse to see married clients, you are involved in situations which would bring much humiliation and heartache to many women if they found out about their husbands' activities.

-Perhaps, but not to the same degree if the escapades appear on the front page of the NY Times.

-The client and provider relationship should begin and end at the door.

There are varying degrees of hurt and humiliation.  I have clients who have been given the OK to stray as long as it's safe and far from home.  As a Provider I have experieced both sides of the fence.

Women prostitute themselves every day in many ways.  Seems it is only when there is an exchange of money for sex that it becomes wrong.  Women who find out their husband's have been screwing their best friends are in far more pain than those who find out about their husband's infidelity with escorts.  

This is one of many reasons The World's Oldest Profession has prevailed through the centuries.

I guess married men who read boards on TER could be cheating, technically speaking.

Just making the point that ethics are situational and we all find excuses for our own behavior even when we would consider that behavior unethical in another.

All of us do what we have to do in the search for happiness regardless of the fame of the people we do it with.