How do the married guys on this board handle participating in the hobby, while maintaining a home life?  Can you separate the two, or is it doomed to fail.  Is it possible to use the hobby for the physical exploits that you can't get at home.  Are we overly greedy in wanting our cake and eating it too?

Dear kindanew,

I'm not a married guy, but as a neutral observer, albeit one with some training in deconstructing the mind, I would venture to say that it all boils down to compartmentalizing and keeping one's boundaries intact.

As you see, the world has always been full of happily philandering men, way before TER's existence. We've discussed the topic on this here board before, and I would say a majority of "our" posters on The Erotic Highway appear to be middle-aged or beyond, securely attached or partnered, but in definite need of sexual spice beyond that which is offered at home.

As to "overly greedy in wanting our cake and eating it too," I would say that there are many ways to skin that cake - or puddin', LOL. If you are a fundamentalist religious person, such acts would only be condemned. But if you are a shrink with an evolutionary bent like me, I'd say that lusting for a different dish is almost unavoidable, and that acting on that lust is up to everyone's own "moral" compass. Since "cheating" is viewed with such pervasive negativity in our culture, it's up to everyone to construct his/her own justification/explanation that feels viable from a variety of perspectives - psychological, emotional, legal, and logical.

In my professional travels, I have experienced that most women whose partners have been "unfaithful" [since we're talking male-female relations here] focus less on the extramarital sex act and more on the aspect of betrayal and having been gravely deceived. Most women will be quick to say "if you only would have told me that you wanted sex this or that way, I would have done it!" Only to hear the retort, "well, I did, in so many words, but you wouldn't listen!"

This is just a variation on a theme as old as the human race itself. Suffice it to say that many men understand the betrayal aspect very well, and are therefore careful not to hurt the one they love. And some get away with it for years and are fine; others are wracked with guilt, fear and only survive one episode of extramarital sex acts.

But heck, enough of my yakkin' [as said in "Spinal Tap," one of my fave rockumentaries] . Let the lads speak for wemselfs! It's always we big head against the wittle one, i'n'it?

In Cockney, what else,
the Love Goddess

It may seem hard to believe, kindanew, but many of us don't want our sexless or low-sex marriages to end.

There are many other factors which can and do keep a married couple together, semi-happily, for decades.

Women lose interest in sex much faster than men do. Does it really make sense to break up a marriage over that?

So: we do what we have to do, tell white lies, and carry on.

In my case, I entered the hobby with the expectation that I would learn and grow from my experiences and that's been the case. So far, I've managed to bring more into my relationship with my SO than my hobbying has taken from it. I try to monitor things very closely to make sure that doesn't change.

As LG said, compartmentalising is key and some people can do that while others are not so good at it.

Love vs. lust.  I compartmentalize.  Love at home (almost sexless marriage).  My sexual needs are met through the hobby.  That allows me to continue the love and support that I give my family.

before my ex got wise to me.

There are two important aspects here:

One is to be able to hobby without guilt.  This I managed because I felt it more important to be true to myself than to my wife's preconceived notions of fidelity.

The second is to be very good at covering up your tracks.  I thought I was good at this, but not good enough.  Divorce is very expensive, but on balance, was worth it, to me at least.

It would be interesting to know what percentage of hobbyist get busted over time.

Any idea?

Absolutely! I've been married almost 40 years. Four kids and a few grandchildren later my wife just lost her interest in sex. Everything else is still good. So...a monger week to MNL, BKK, POP, and AMS every year makes life GREAT! Super family life at home, and a week every few months to look forward to...with an occasional provider call in NY and LA. No emotional involvement to jeopardize my stability. Yet seriously nice GFE to make me feel warm and smiley all over. So I'll take this opportunity to offer my personal thank to all the providers for being the most important professional on the planet. If the religious zealots on this globe would visit a provider occasionally we might eliminate wars...as well as be happier married  folks!

It is the same story for me as well, Mr fisher,
My marriage lasted 19 years, and I really never
got busted per say, I got tired of living in two
different cells, so to speak, after about 7 years
I gave up my extra benefits, "the hobby" I have
to admit that the later years of the marriage
were horrible, little to no sex, and then I did just as you, I began to take care or ME!
then my ex wife got a boyfriend, and betrayed me
and then Out the Door she went! Divorce is indeed
Costly! but I am happy to have found the courage
to take care of me.

I was married for 25 yrs. to a gal I was deeply in love with.  Unfortunately, she was bi-polar.  During her up-times, our sex life was good, and I didn't hobby at all, I had no need to.    In the depths of her depression, we didn't have a sex life, but I still had my wants needs and desires. For me, the hobby was a fill-in, nothing more or less. It did just what it was supposed to do, and I'd almost certainly be much worse off without it.                                           I hobbied for about the last 6 or 8 years of her life, I seriously doubt she knew anything about it, but likely would have understood.  The hobby gave me the ability to continue to love her in a way she could understand mainly because it removed my sexual expectations of her. No sex at home was no longer an issue.                 I found it very easy to justify my hobbying because it tipped the scales in both our favors.        The legal and moral issues; pure garbage. Laws are nothing more than the opinions of those in power, and morals are the same thing, usually on the basis of religion, and always foisted on me 'for my own good'.                         In answer to one of your questions, it certainly is possible to use the hobby for the physical exploits you can't get at home.  In fact, I think if this were morally acceptable, there'd be alot more happy couples, and alot less divorce!  

-- Modified on 6/3/2007 9:31:15 AM

and told me all about it.  (By the way, they were all married too.  One was even a preacher.)

I figured: swell, now she's got something to keep her occupied while I hobby and I don't have to pussy foot around.

I guess her idea was to make me jealous so that I would give up hobbying.  Boy, did she read me wrong.  In the end, she punted and got the lawyers on me, as well as a big chunk of change.

A very astute provider once told me that she got a call from the angry wife of a client who got busted by his wife.

She said to the provider, "How can you justify going around and ruining marriages?"  Her retort was:  "I don't ruin marriages, I save them."

Everyone's experience is different, but there are common themes.  In the end, hypocrisy and morality laws aside, human nature will out, but it will take decades at least for us to reach any kind of social fairness and  understanding of the vagaries of human nature in this country.  Recently, a young policewoman from Amsterdam attending a police conference in the US rented an apartment I own and I asked her (she was mid-30s and attractive by the way) how they handled prostitution, and her basic answer was "it's not legal, but we don't treat it as illegal either.  We tend to go after real criminality."  I thought it was a great answer.

After being together with my wife for 27 years and having a couple of affairs, I realized that I didn't really want to have other relationships with women, I just wanted sexual variety and shoot me for being shallow, but I prefer having sex with younger women. I'm just not sexually attracted to women over 50.  The sex with my wife is about once a week and I'm fine with that frequency. I can't say the sex is bad, it's just routine. In the last year, my wife came to understand that and gave me the green light to hobby, as long as I don't talk to her about it. I guess that's pretty strange, eh? I have to say I love my wife even more for the sexual freedom that she gives me. No way I'm going to leave her!

eom

Agree with some of the other posters that poor or no sex is not necessarily a reason to break up a marriage (especially if there are kids). In fact, the hobby has saved my marriage by giving me a sexual outlet so that I don't worry about getting some at home. Hard to know exactly how much or little interest my SO has since it is so infrequent now.

I've been 6 months without sex with my wife. Would be interested to hear about others and how long they go without at home

For me, it was not just a lack of sex, there were way to many unresolved issues between me and my then wife, there was a total lack of compromise on
her part toward our relationship, in many different areas, I loved her deeply, but her idea
of love, was pretty sick, so I have no regrets for
the divorce, it there was anything worth saving or
working for, I would have been more than willing
to do so, but how can one be happy, with a thief,
liar, control freak, and bi polar woman in the house? I just chose to not endure the abuse any
longer, nor will I ever allow anyone to treat me
with such shallow indifference. Providers included.

Since I have a number of years on me, have been lucky enough to travel, and had lots of company, I thought I knew a few things about the hobby and providers.  What I didn't realize was how charming and exciting younger women (mid-20s and up -- you have to draw the line somewhere)could be, and also how exquisitely knowledgeable.  I thought the age difference would be awkward and the young ladies just too unworldly to be interesting for more than an hour's romp.  Of course, I was wrong, and one more key point --in times begone, an encounter was more often for getting the rocks off than exploring depths of passion.  To sum up, the good old days were great, but the present is even better, at least as far as the hobby and those who provide its pleasures are concerned.

..  maybe as long as 3.  Been so long I cant remember.  If not for porn, the hobby, and a few odd "civie" encounters, I'd be divorced. I think the wife knows (she certainly does know about the porn), but let's it go so she doesn't have to be "bothered" to have sex.  I've done more than hint at wanting sex, I flat out ask for it, and her answer is always no.

Married life has it's benefits and downfalls, benefits include a normal home life with kids, family outings, vacations, shared financial responsibilities, etc.   Downfalls include an eventual lost of interest in sex with the other partner and lost of passion in the bedroom.  The situation becomes a pendulum that over time will cause an imbalance in your life... so there needs to be that spark and fire that needs to be lit.  But the hobby which provides this must obviously exist in a different world, the twain shall never meet.  We go to great lengths to make sure these two worlds shall never collide, should it happen, the consequences can be devestating financially and emotionally.  How well your partner (SO) knows you will determine how well you can separate your two lives, as long as there are no long term emotional attachments to providers and you keep it UTR there is no reason why you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Well said bostongreg....many so-called "moral" folks would have us divorse if we want sex outside the marrige. This is silly!! Some of us have rich family lives and why should the whole family suffer just because the little mrs does not want to give it up any more??

No...in fact this hobby is the moral choice for me
!!

I love my married clients! I think calling a provider is a very healthy and smart way of getting your needs met. Most of my married clients are still very much in love with their wives! However, the sex part isn't happening as much for various reasons. Health issues, mental issues or whatever. Sometimes, a guy just wants a little something different. Whatever the reason is,it doesn't matter. What matters is that he respects his wife and the family enough to go about his business in a safe manner. Affairs are messy, stupid and emotionally draining. But seeing a provider is an hour long experience where he got what he wanted and can go on with his day! (Hopefully with a big smile on his face!) If a guy does a little bit of research (read the reviews!) he can find someone who provides what he's looking for safely and discreetly. And that, is priceless!

This is a precise reflection of my own feelings!  The exact reasons why I hobbied while I was married, and the exact reasons how I could justify hobbying to myself.    Very good post!

As a married hobbyist, you described my rational perfectly.  Marriage is a relationship which is indescribable to anyone outside of the relationship.  Visiting quality providers is a much better solution for me than having a "free" affair.  It is much less stressful for my life and marriage to buy a little erotic connection than it would be for me to emotionally buy the same connection with a traditional mistress.  The financial arrangement creates an exact understanding of what is wanted and expected.  My limited (never had the guts to fully involve myself) with standard affairs is that the man basically has to lie to the mistress about his intensions and fake an emotional connection.  In my mind, lying is much more damaging than a little physical infidelity.  

TER has been a big part of my ability to indulge without unduly risking my marriage.

kindanew,

I think I am comfortable with hobbying because my expectations of what my marital sex life would be were incorrect. My love for my wife has grown now that I understand her needs and try to meet them. Her needs are for affection and companionship but not necessarily for sex as often as I might like. I also realized that marital sex was much different from hobbying. Marital sex if timed well is more of a celebration of a relationship and bonding. I compartmentalize my hobby well and think of it as a reward for good behavior. Fortunatley, "married with children" is fantastic for me and financially limits my hobby to a once a month event at the most. I found the best part of hobbying is the delayed gratification, the day dreaming and an hour or so of affection unrestrained by my normal life. It's liberating if you can do so with no guilt and two are disciplined to cover your tracks exceptionally well to protect the marriage you treasure.

Would you mind letting us know how you were found out?  It may be instructive.  I haven't yet had a problem covering my tracks, but I've only been hobbying for about 2 years.