Dear cuteandsmart,

I have one piece of advice for you - get your own therapist. Because either the couples therapist is not addressing your issues as profoundly as she has addressed your husband's behavior - at least that's what it seems like, according to your post - or you and she have not established a therapeutic alliance where you can process your issues IN DEPTH.

I don't think your behavior is "insane" in the least. It's very easy to become hooked or to spend an excessive amount of time online, no matter what site you end up looking at. The human brain is wired for visual stimuli, whether words or images, and let's face it - prostitution is illegal and hence very fascinating. What's difficult about the situation is that you seem to be incapable of setting boundaries for yourself - not in terms of looking at TER or similar sites, but the boundaries that specify what you're willing to put up with in terms of your husband's behavior. You state that you are "hurt and angry." Well, what do you do about it? Because going on line is not going to resolve your hurt and anger - only setting boundaries and acting in a self-protective and decisive manner is going to fix that. And it doesn't seem like your current couples therapist is able to help you with that.

GET YOUR OWN THERAPIST and start working in depth. Focus on yourself (this posting is a good start), start setting limits and sticking to them. Whether it is looking at sites or serving yourself up to your husband, despite your hurt and anger, go to work on yourself. Your husband seems to have all the help he can get - after all, you try to reward him with kinky sex for behavior you don't like or condone, while he seems to care less - where's the motivation for him to change anything, really?

Get to work on your own stuff and ignore him for a while,
The Love Goddess

Where do I even begin?

First, I suppose, a brief description of me. I am in my late 30's, very sexual...I love to have sex, the more the better. I like to try new things, different positions, and I have even offered a threesome. Although, I have never had sex with a woman, I am extremely turned on by them.
I am fairly small and attractive (so I am told)

What brings me to you is....I am married, and I thought we were happy. We have experienced some family trauma, but I thought it brought us closer. My husband stopped having sex with me. I would try and he would turn me down, always offering a silly excuse. So, I started to think he was cheating. Boy, did I under estimate it. He apparently has a "hobby". A year ago, I became started looking for some kind of answer and found out about it. I was shocked and hurt. As many of the men on here have said that their wives have cut them off...that is not our problem. I love, love, love sex!

So, we have been in therapy for a year. I see a huge difference in him. He is trying. Although, I have learned all the ways to hide their hobby via this board. lol. I can't stop looking things us. I am addicted to this board, I feel like I know some of the more active "players". I look at all the websites, checking to see what woman he has be with, and looking at their pictures. Some have actually turned me on. I think of being with some of the men on here along with some of the women that my husband has been with. I am so hurt and angry with him, but I don't fight with him and instead I just offer more and more kinky ways to have sex with him. When he is late coming home, I am desperate to have sex that night. When he turns me down, I cry myself to sleep thinking he is cheating again.

The therapist we see has a whole bunch of dx for him...sex addict, ocd with compulsions, add, ptsd....but I went though these events too and I am not out cheating (only with my toys). I don't know what to do or how to stop my insane behavior. The therapist always says that she can see how much we love each other. She has even said that I flirt in therapy. My husband cries begging me not to leave him....but I am not sure how to let go of all of this and trust again.

Over the year that I have bee lurking on this board, I have come to admire your straight forward answers to some of the issues that have come up. I know I need to do something, I am just desperate to figure out were to go from here.

Wow...my posting was a mess. Sorry for all the errors in my typing. I was nervous.

I know that I need to do for myself. Something I am not good at. As for boundries, I always thought I was good at being strong, sticking up for myself. I just feel crushed. I never thought I would stay with a cheater, especially one who saw well over 40 women!

When people ask how I am (no one knows what has happened in our marriage), I always say "I am well, Thank you". Really, I want to say that I am broken. No other word comes to mind.

As for my own therapist, the idea of going to someone and telling this story again....from our family trauma, to his cheating...I am not even sure I can get it all out. I go about my day as if everything is okay, but I am broken and sad all the time. My husband in return, does not want to talk about things outside of our one hour a week with the therapist and when she gives us "homework" he won't do it.

Why would I be turned on by all of this...I look at pictures of the women he has been with and find my self extremely aroused?

Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate your knowledge and kindness.

Based on what you have written in this thread, I believe that you deserve better than what you are currently getting in your marriage ... but only if you are willing to insist on it.

As LG stated, where is the motivation for you husband to change his behaviour?  He is basically getting his cake and eating it too (not to be too crass about it).

As far as your lurid interest in this little world, all I can say is that it can be rather intriguing, especially if you are new to all this societally "forbidden fruit."  The only thing "insane" about your behaviour is not your titillation of interest, but the sense that it seems like you are almost punishing yourself by fixating on your husband's life behind your back.  If it is causing you anguish, tell him to stop or that you will leave him despite his "begging you to stay."  If he loves you, he will at least make enough effort to convince you he is serious about your happiness as much as his own.  It doesn't sound like he has done that yet.

Take care of yourself first and foremost.  Your marriage can't be happy unless you are.

My opinion from a never-married guy, for what that's worth.

If your answer is that you do not, then pick up the phone and make an appointment to see a therapist NOW.


-- Modified on 2/27/2011 7:23:56 PM

Thank you for your "crass" response. I am not a beat around the bush kind of girl. I appreciate upfront and honest answers.

It has been a year since I first found out about all of this. I have thrown myself into the research of this life style and of his many diagnosis from the therapist. I have not found any new activity from my husband since the initial discovery. I never looked into his things before, I never thought he would do this.
I love to have sex, cook dinner every night, enjoy family time and volunteer with our children. A lady in public but well...you get the picture.
I try to talk to him about all of this but he gets mad. He doesn't do any of the "homework assignments" from our therapist. We get one hour a week to discuss things.

My problem is...I don't know how to trust him again. I think the hardest thing is the sneaking around. The lies.
When he comes home late now or I can't reach him...I automatically think he is off doing something. Even without the proof. To make me feel better, I become desperate to have sex that night. If he touches me in a new way or does a different position, I think he did it with them. If I am having a problem having an "O". I pretend I am an escort with different men or another female. I also beg him to call me dirty names while we are going at it.

I know that none of this makes sense. As I write it, I feel like I have lost my mind. I don't understand any of this.
I was hoping that LG, some of the ladies and even some of the men on this website will make some type of sense out of it. I know that I am not the wife that cut my husband off sexually. I know that I did nothing to deserve what he has done to our relationship. Honestly, I am not sure what I expect from here....the more I type the more stupid I feel about all of this.

Again, thank you.

I am taking your advice, I started looking for one in my area. Thank you.

I guess, I would like some input on why he would do this if I am available to him.

We women fail to realize simple truth.  More often then not it is not about us .. can anyone explain why that british dude picked up tranny in hollywood when he was engaged to one of the most gorgeous women on the planet?

noop.  it was not about HER, it was about HIM.

When it rains, do you ask WHY does rain mess up my day? NO!  You get an umbrella or stay home.

So if your man makes you miserable, loose him and move on.

to go nowhere if either one of you are not doing the homework. It needs to be brought up and confronted. He is undermining treatment by doing so. But, your couples counselor can only advocate for your marriage. To have an advocate for yourself, and your own emotional and mental health, you need your own therapist.

C&S, I am typically not the sort not to be gentle, but I believe that you need to smacked on top of your head! (look up the movie Moonstruck on YouTube and the scene where Cher slaps Nick Cage's character and tells him, :snap out of it!")

I am sorry to break it to you harshly, but your husband IS NOT INTO YOU! You are in complete disarray and you have contradicted yourself in your own posts! In the OP you claim that he was trying hard and yet in a later post, you stated that he just sticks to the 1 hour per week couples therapy (probably because the therapist strokes his ego even more; did you say he flirts with her? LOL!) and does not even do the assigned homework! Is that trying hard to you? To me, he's trying hard to do whatever it is that he wants to do!

For Gawd's sake, you are even fantasizing about acting like a hooker to please your husband? Heck, if you are so horny and so sexual, and since you have learned so much from lurking around in here, why not take the full plunge and do some escorting of your own? I suppose the only reason that you have not (if I am assuming this correctly) already strayed on your marriage is because you have not had the "courage" to go and get some of your own action, behind the hubby's back. Maybe by escorting and developing an alter-ego, you muster up enough courage to finally break yourself away from the pathetic situation in which you find yourself in and finally get fucked like you so desperately crave.

Haven't you heard the phrase, "that the best defense is a strong offense"? Go on the offensive and collect your own dues on what you claim to love doing.

Disclaimer: I don't recommend this strategy for every pissed off and disoriented housewife, but for you, this is what this Not-a-Doctor, orders

The LoveGoddess knows what she's talking about here.  I really hope you leverage her advice and obtain the the unique assistance that will benefit you the most.  Here's to your success!

"I know that I did nothing to deserve what he has done to our relationship."

Exactly. Come to understand that not everything in life is fair - sometimes, the person you cherish most does things that are irrevocable, and end up scar your relationship forever. If you guys could kiss, make up, and sweep it under the rug, kudos to you. In your case, it sounds like somebody as insensitive and as indifferent as your husband (e.g. not doing counseling homework, working on the marriage) does not deserve your wholehearted love and attention.

Focus your energy on other pursuits that WILL make you happy.