I'm a newbie who has been with 4 providers in the last 3 weeks, all of whom made me very comfortable and were quite skilled in what they do. But in all cases, I was not able to finish.

It's always taken me a while. But not like this. Many possible reasons for the problem come to mind, including the fact that I've been taking Zoloft and one of its side effects is delayed ejaculation. Could also be that I have mixed feelings about hobbying, since all of the providers I have seen so far were half my age (I'm 40, they were between 18-22) and I felt a little guilty being with them.

On top of this, I went soft midway through my last 2 sessions and was not able to get it back up? WTF???? That has NEVER happened to me (honestly!) with any of my girlfriends in the past.

Besides getting off the meds and sorting out my own feelings, do you have any other advice on how I might deal with these twin issues? They put a bit of a damper an otherwise specatcular erotic trip that I just returned from. Thanks.

-- Modified on 7/11/2007 4:32:59 PM

I went through the exact same thing as far as losing it. Mixed feelings, etc. I simply had to keep trying until it felt "normal" to be having sex with a perfect stranger. It's just not as natural. From what I was told, it typically takes about ten times. Everybody told me to take some time off, relax and don't worry, and oddly enough, it worked just like they said.

diet, rest, exercise, age, your underwear's too tight...

Can you get off by masturbating?  If you have problems with that, then you may need to visit a urologist.

Another strategy is to see a good tantric provider for at least a two hour session so that you can be relaxed and charged up by her pneuma.

It's hard to do diagnosis on a board like this.

Assuming no physical causes, including the Zooloft, try a longer session and focusing on everything BUT the problem at hand. There's lots to enjoy besides popping!

If you think one of the providers you've already seen is the type of person who will care, you might try explaining and seeing her again to see if establishing some rapport may help.

I was actually traveling, so no chance of seeing any of the recent 3 providers any time soon. But I talked to all of them about the problem and they all seemed to care, to one degree or another.

Thanks for the idea on establishing rapport though. I think it will help if I can find a local provider that I can develop a caring "relationship" with to help as I work on this problem.

I can, and do, get off on masturbating. But only when I'm alone. That's one of the frustrations and one of the reasons I'm worried it might be more than the meds.

A better diet and more excercise would certainly help. Might be 2 reasons why my underwear feels too tight!

Thanks, SB. I saw one of the 4 providers twice. The beginning of the second session with her was spectacular and I think it's because she was, in a sense, less of a stranger.

I'm curious (of course): did it take you 10 times before you felt more comforable?

As for the caring relationship, be careful. Make sure you check yourself constantly in terms of attachment and expectations.

Good luck!

No need to get off the meds, curiouscricket,

but changing them might be a good idea.  Zoloft is a known ejaculation delayer, as are most SSRIs. There are other meds out there, e.g. Wellbutrin, but they may not be appropriate. Please consult with your doctor, and don't be shy about your complaint.

Having mixed feelings about your activities is a surefire way to sexual snafus. Try hooking up with someone 31-35+. Unless you are completely stuck on the junior set, there are some very beautiful, more mature ladies out there. And definitely go for longer sessions, if your wallet can handle it. Generally, my recommendation to newbies would be to spend more time with each provider, until you reach the desired comfort level with paid sexual activities. There are all sorts of psychological factors that come into play when engaging in these encounters; some may be conscious, others are buried and only bedevil the hobbyist when he least expects it.

It's difficult to gauge if you'll need 1, 10 or 15 times to feel more at ease. As to masturbation, well, it's no secret that I discourage it when there are LIVE sexual services available out there. I believe that the mental "training process" and the "habituation factor" during long-term masturbation can seriously impair your ability to get off with a live lady. Try to go on the "no-mas mas" diet [that's a little Spanglish, courtesy of LA] for at least 30 days and see what happens.

Last, but not least, try to find an ATF. Some hobbyists prefer to see a familiar face, with whom they can relax and fully explore the wonders of carnality. In addition, you won't feel the pressure to "perform" if you're just hanging out, talking, joking, fondling and not focusing on the big bang all the time. Yes, it may cost a little more in the long run, but at least it's not as expensive as frustration.

Chirp, chirp,
the Love Goddess

Thanks, LG, for the great advice. I'll definitely talk to my doc about the meds.

I think my fantasies about the junior set are colliding with the realities of the encounters, and the emotional/psychological needs I have that I may not even be aware of. Finding an ATF who is a little bit older sounds like a great idea. The majority of my experiences thus far have been outside the US, so I've got a bit of leg work ahead of me to find some local providers.

I'll keep you poasted on how it goes!

Still chirping (quietly)
CC

I admit that I used to be so nervous seeing a provider I'd literally shake for the whole session from nerves.  It was also harrowing because I was walking into scams and upsells and rip-offs more typically than not - pre-internet in Vegas ( capital of provider upsells and scams IMO).

But for me I'd be so jacked up that the opposite of cricket's was what I worried about.  A premee.  Still happens on occasion with a first appt.

I'd concur that finding a fav and repeating to get more comfy is a big one.  I'd also say an older provider will have more experience typically and put u more at ease.  Youngins can be wham bam and not too into your experience.

My opinion is that some of the can't pop may be related to condom use as well.  For me that is a big thing as everything gets raw and numb once I've had rubber on.  Now if that wasn't a problem for cricket with civvies, then maybe it doesn't apply but for me it really makes popping tuff.  I've read others have the same problem and tend to have to rely on BBBJ/HJ to pop because of it.

GL

Well, I didn't exactly chart it and there was a flow to the comfort, but yes, I'd say so, about ten times before I stopped worrying about how things would go. Everyone told me about ten times, and they were right.

The worst thing you can do is think, "I wonder if everything will work this time?", it's like saying to yourself, "Don't think of a donkey on a bicycle"- guess what'll happen then? Don't worry about it, you're there for your enjoyment, don't worry about performance or things like that. However it goes is good.

Sometimes I still don't feel entirely in the mood, because it's hard to be in the mood by appointment, but there it is.

Are you suggesting going THIRTY DAYS without rubbing one out??? WHAT?? I literally have trouble falling asleep if I haven't done one that day. Thirty days would make me a basket case!

Wellbutrin is what is called a "novel" antidepressant. The docs don't really know why or how it works. It was being used for other purposes when they discovered that in some patients it relieved depression as well. This drug was used to treat seizures. It can causes them in people who do not suffer from them (roughly 4%). A family member ended up on the living room floor from a seizure that was caused by their Wellbutrin. Be sure that you see a shrink who specializes in the pharmacology of depression and not just a social worker or regular shrink. Once you leave the "mainstream" set of antidepressants you really need to do your home work.
GL and stay safe
J

IF you did abstain for 30 days, you could wander down to the fertilty clinic and offer a donation.

Them you'll be specimen cup case.

And you will have a warm, glowing, tingly feeling all over. For at least two reasons.  Both good.

BTW I had never seen the phrase "rubbing one out" as a euphemism for wacking off until I discovered TER.  Tanks for the education.  Really.

Personally, I like "flogging the bishop" best! (That is to say, I like the euphemism best. I really prefer a real live female... OK, I'll stop now.)

SB1111,

LG was only suggesting avoiding masturbation for 30 days or more for, specifically, someone who was having trouble finishing inside a woman.

It's a matter of retraining the brain to enjoy sex from the somewhat (delightfully) different stimulation a real woman provides.

To emphasize: this is not abstinence.  The idea is to have as many real sexual episodes as affordable or possible, to replace what's missing.

I can testify: it's a great experiment.  This is day 35 for me, and I've never felt better.

Anyone who needs or wants to should try it.  The only empty feeling left is in the wallet!

BG

when you pernmanently cease eand desist from that practice, do you consider yourself to have lost faith or to have been excommunicated?

I need to report in to LG, too. It's been about 3 weeks since I've masturbated and I've been able to kick it, unless you consider what I'm doing to be cheating. When I do get an erection, I will rub myself for a few minutes, sort of like scratching an itch, but if I feel myself moving toward an orgasm, I stop. I think that LG is right, where you don't want to associate cumming with your own self-produced fantasy.

Comfort level?  I stopped counting after a hundred or so and while I "know the script" now and have a blast, it is a totally different type of sex from what you have with a loved one. In that respect, it never feels "normal".

The meds are also a major factor.  Been there.