Hello all,
I have a rape fetish.  Now hear me out.  i am not going to go out and find a woman and just rape her.  I have had a couple of relationships that the women have had rape fantasies and we acted on them with amazing results!  One even cried during the act!  Since then after about 3-4 mos. of being intimate with someone I have an uncontrollable urge to do this with them.  Is this wrong?  Or are people just afraid to act out this type of fantasy with each other?  I am always open to fulfilling this fantasy with women.  So what do you all think?  Am I a terrible person?

I had a fantasy of raping this one gorgeous favorite of mine and one day, I don't know who brought it up, she confessed that she wanted to be raped.

We set up an elaborate scheme complete with four poster bed, nylons used as ties, and a knife to cut away her clothes.  We remained silent throughout the session.

It was mutually exciting and we both loved it.

Funny thing is, after that we never felt like going back there and since then I've never had the urge.  I guess we both got it out of our system.

Well if that's not in the hotspot department, brc01922,

Having read lots of studies on fantasies after exposure to sexually explicit materials, sequelae of child abuse, etc., etc., I can tell you [and others, I suppose] that rape fantasies are very, very common...among women. Among men, it's less common, and, according to studies, indicates that there has been some preceding stimulus or long-term action that gets men into this mode of thinking. Most studies have focused on if men think it's WRONG to rape, and if they COULD theoretically rape someone. Many studies show that if men are exposed to violent pornography, they will be less likely to condemn rape. But does that mean that the average guy will go out and attack women in the streets? No. On the other hand, the profile of the average rapist, is simply the average guy. Hard to believe, perhaps, but such is the case. Rape can often be a date gone wrong, an idea gone over the limit, a drink too many, etc. The idea that a woman is walking in a park and getting assaulted, or getting attacked by the cable guy is not the predominant reality. That is more of a fantasy, at least in the United States.

Is it wrong? I suppose a fantasy is a fantasy, and as long as it remains such, it can't be judged as "right" or "wrong." That's way too simplistic and leads nowhere in understanding sexual behavior. The thing is, if you enact a "rape" with a willing partner - who also has the same fantasy - clearly then, it's not rape, but the enactment of a sexual fantasy, period.

The issue in this case is one of personal limit-setting. If you are aware that this is a fantasy and you do not enact it without checking with your partner for permission, then it's no worse than being a woman, having a rape fantasy, and asking her partner to "rape" her. Now, if you are in a relationship and she says NO to enacting your fantasy, and you respect her choice, then all is well and you don't need to think about it.

But this is the crux - the "thinking about it." Has it become an obsession? Does this fantasy consume most of your thoughts when you engage sexually? Would you consider enacting it with a woman who clearly was unwilling? Rape is always rape when one party is not consenting. I don't care if it's a wife who says NO after years of marriage, or it's a drunken sorority gal who's too out of it to verbalize her wishes. No means no, it's as simple as that. So, as long as you respect that fact, you'll be fine.

Now, are you a terrible person? No, of course not. No more than anyone else who is not having vanilla sex. Is a guy who wants to tie up a woman and flog her during a BDSM play session a terrible person? No, he is not...if he has, like most participants in BDSM, discussed all the rules and regulations in advance and the woman is prepared for it and ENJOYS IT.

My hunch, and of course I haven't met you, so I can't say, is that your rape fantasy is not much different from your partner's. You both "get into" the same kind of scenario. The problem is when two people have a different idea of what the scenario consists of, and then one gets hurt, either physically, emotionally or both. You don't want to get over your boundary threshhold, so to speak, because then we've got a real problem.



My advice to you would be to look into the world of BDSM to see if there's anything else in there that strikes your fancy. I am saying this because "players" in that world are very conscientious and usually have good heads on their shoulders in terms of discussing the consent factor and turning fantasies into real play sessions.

As to "are people afraid to act out these fantasies with each other," the answer is NO - not some people. But since rape is clearly a very controversial issue, most people simply stay away from enacting those fantasies. They are content with reading bodice-ripper novels and pulp fiction [Harold Robbins, Mickey Spillane, anyone?] and letting these things remain in their heads.

I will say this, and that is that in watching Filipino porn films [oh yes, the things one must do in the sexological arena, LOL], rape scenes are very, very common, even though the rest of the sex is rather vanilla. This is not an apology for your fantasy, but a commentary on the fact that it's not as uncommon as we might think.

Keep tabs on yourself though. If the urge to do this with a non-consenting individual or stranger overtakes you, please write back or contact a psychotherapist for help.

Ok, let'em fly,
the Love Goddess

but hey, not everybody can be perfect like me

Rape is not something you can generally work into casual conversation - "hey, I love rape, how about you?" and for those who have endured the real thing (themselves, or loved ones) the suggestion that someone might want to simulate it for playtime would probably evoke horror, anger, and revulsion.

On the other hand, there are many women who CAN handle it. Some are willing to do it, just like any other fetish, and some actively enjoy it. You just have to approach the subject carefully, build up a level of trust, and have clear communication as far as limits and safe words go.

It's likely not something you want to try on a first date, paid or otherwise, unless it's something you've agreed upon up front.

It was so hot!!. I be happy to email you both my feelings after and one of the partners take on this. This was done as a present to me.  I loved every minute! My advise is make sure you both want this and then go for it!
Kisss

In your post you say, "On the other hand, the profile of the average rapist, is simply the average guy. Hard to believe, perhaps, but such is the case. Rape can often be a date gone wrong, an idea gone over the limit, a drink too many, etc."

The author of the related link argues (in the section "Bad men") that violent rape and nonviolent rape need to be distinguished. According to her own description of herself (in an earlier chapter) she is (or was) a technical writer working for the software companies in Silicon Valley. She is obviously intelligent, but not trained in your field.

I don't know what to make of her argument. I am curious to know whether or not you think it has any validity.

Dear Mathesar,
My opinion is that this is an opinion. It's not a study, or even a metastudy. Nor does it seem based on a study. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time taking someone who talks about "bad men" seriously. I guess I'm a little more of nerd when it comes to social science...

the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/14/2008 4:33:52 PM

as others have said, you're not alone by any means. i'm a woman and i have very very few sexual fantasies which do not involve rape, sometimes extreme rape to the point of severe injury or even death. also, unlike most women who have rape fantasies, my fantasies don't center around forceful coercion (giving a woman what she really wants anyway, providing an environment in which to release inhibitions, etc.). instead my fantasies are about the brutal realities of rape, the  psychological and physical suffering involved as well as the emotional aftermath. it's not something i could ever roleplay because it is not roleplay that drives the fantasy.

my Husband also has rape fantasies but of course would never act on them. but our definition of rape may differ somewhat from most...for example we do not believe in rape between a Husband and wife.

as for you, it doesn't sound like anything is "wrong" with you. perhaps you could engage in some introspection and explore just where these fantasies of yours stem from, and exactly what is it about rape that excites you so. you may find something a bit dark there, or you may find that what you fantasize about isn't true rape at all, but maybe just sex where you are dominant and completely in control of your partner. either way, i believe in self-acceptance, and as long as you don't go out and enact these desires on an unwitting stranger, there's no harm in it imo.

wow thats kinda hot and kinky... Mmmm

This rape fantasy of yours to me is strange.

You stated that once during this rape fantasy act that "one even cried."

You have to examine to yourself why would you as a guy want to rape a women, even if it is just a fantasy. Rape is not enjoyable for women and is brutal both psychologically and physically for them.

I think you should seek professional help if you keep having this urge to act out rape fantasies with women your in relationships with.      

-- Modified on 4/30/2008 6:42:09 PM

that is not uncommon at all.  when my partner even tells me about his fantasies of raping girls, i ache for him to brutalize me.

you are not a terrible person... this fantasy is very, very common.  it is wrong to actually rape a woman -- yes.  however, if you were to find a partner who would be willing to CONSENSUALLY play out that fantasy with you, that's okay.. even hot. i also feel that it is wrong for adults to be sexually active with children... but i absolutely love to engage in ageplay.

i think the human mind is often attracted to and fascinated by its darker facets... and by the potential we all have to be monstrous.

I have got to agree with you i lovedit