Dear LG,

I met someone who I believe in my heart is the one. I love escorting and have been doing it for 3 years. Just this year I started a small business funded by my escorting dollars. It isn't in the stage to sustain me just yet but it has a lot of potential to make more than escorting ever would.

I have a few doubts about hanging up the panties because I will 1) be losing my income and cushy lifestyle from escorting and 2) I'm super jaded from being in this profession about men and their fidelity. 3) I have been bad and I haven't saved a cushion

On the other hand true love is an experience that is very valuable to me, and so is a good man. Settling down with him could give me the focus I need to build my company, which he promises to continue to put money into.

My guy and I are both pretty emotionally tormented by the fact that I'm still working (he knows what I do) and I feel like I want to make a move quickly. At the risk of sounding crazy, I also love my apartment and love to just get away from him sometimes and get space.

He owns a solo law practice and could use my help since I have years of experience as a law clerk. He currently makes 150k after taxes. He says that with a few hours a week of helping him we can make more like 300k and he is willing to give me half of what he makes, even put me on payroll. 300k would be enough to keep me very happy for the rest of my life.

I'm still conflicted and I still continue to escort even though it causes so much anxiety. So I wonder, am I addicted to making this money and being able to have the freedom, control, nice things, etc. or am I addicted to loving him?

Sincerely...

Taking the leap of faith without a cushion

I have no clue  what you are really thinking, but I am definitely sure you are not ready for a successful marriage, at this particular time in your life.
If you want to jump into something try bunjee jumping.
 

that's the way you're evaluating this relationship- what can he do for me, how much will I make if I quit, if I don't etc.

No one will deny that financial security is a consideration when getting married.  But people that base their decision on finances rarely get to enjoy security because it's not the basis for a satisfying marriage that can stand the test of time.

You don't sound the least bit convinced you should be getting married, so I can only assume you're either being pressured, or you just think "it's time."  Both are really bad reasons.

Marry someone you would live in poverty with-life takes unexpected turns and a marriage partnership should be able to withstand financial downturns

mazzus said it right!  If all the money dis appeared would you still love him!!

I think the advice that you've already received here is sound.  You said that you like to have a space to get away so you like having your apartment.  You also said that the money is extremely important to you and that he's willing to put you on the payroll of his law practice and also share in the profits.

Sounds to me like you want a business partner rather than a husband.  You should consider your true motives and then be true to yourself and to him.  Marriage is not a business arrangement or at least it's not meant to be.

A marriage should be between two individuals who have deep respect and caring for each other and who have life goals that are in harmony.  There should be the feeling that "for better or worse" you can still see yourself working throught problems together.  You should see yourself happy to simply be committed to him even if things don't go 100% that way you are hoping (in a financial sense).

Marriage is a business venture.  I've got the alimony bills to prove it.

You can't lose, unless a broken heart is something you want to avoid but I'll tell you that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, especially if you can count on half his property and alimony checks to help patch your heart up.

He on the other hand...

But let him write his request seperately.

(I know it sounds it, but I am not being ironic, just a bit bitter.)

And they all gave these, "you're treating it like a business transaction" reponses.  Men who pay for sex can be so bitter and stupid sometimes.  If you want a slightly less jaded response as to how to deal with this, put your question on the Provider's Only Board.  Even though I suspect it may have been a hobbyist that posted this (why wouldn't you ave posted this on the PO board if not, despite the leaks that drip from there regularly), I will respond as a fellow woman who's been in your shoes....

That being said, there is NO REASON why you can't view your relationship with him like you view other things in your life -- like a business transcation, as some others put it.  If you know you can't be happy without a certain amount of money, then good for you -- at least you know what your requirements are.  Self-awareness is a good thing, even if you take the 'morally higher ground' or whatever that menas.  I'm not judging them as good or bad -- they are your requirements for happiness and that's for you to judge.  It also sounds like you crave a bit of romance and love in your life and you're willing to make some sacrafices for it but not too many, and certainly not ones that would bring your income below a certain level.

So I think you need to make a chart or formula or somthing about what makes you happy and decide what you're willing to give up and what you need.  Sounds like you know some of that:

1.)  $xxx,xxx per year for you to live off of
2.)  Access to making as much $$$ as you're willing to work for
3.)  You not being 'emotionally tormented' by your escorting
4.)  Your man not being 'emotionally tormented' by your escorting
5.)  The ability to get some 'me time' occassionally, and on your own schedule
6.)  etc etc etc

I'm sure I overlooked something here.  My point is decide if the 'emotionally tormenting' feeling is that bad that you can't deal with it anymore.  Does watching him in pain over this really hurt you that much? Do you really love him so much that you're willing to put your financial goals on hold or have them take longer than you really anticipated to be with him and make this work RIGHT NOW?  How long did it take you to start feeling this way? Or ahve you always felt this way and you're practically suffucating at this point?

Remember, relationships are a 2-way street:  is what he's giving you enough to have you continue to make sacarfices and possibly make more?  Sounds like he's being a rather good sport since he knows what you do and is working through it with you.  He may really love you, but do you really love him?  Or is he just the first civilian guy in a long that that you've been with and it fels really good to be in a relationship that doesn't involve an envelope of cash?  Is he just your escape from work drama, or or work your escape from him?  Do you really want HIM or do you just really want love?  Make sure you can answer all of these questions for yourself.

To let you know, I am with a guy I really love right now.  He is wonderful and we will get married soon.  I have cut back on my escorting and will retire sooner than anticipated and I will be slightly less financially comfortable than I would like.  However, it is so worth it FOR HIM and was NEVER worth it for anyone else.  Can you say that?  In your heart, you know that answer to this question.  Just listen very carefully and it will tell you....  Don't project any sort of loneliness or selfish needs when listening.  Just listen.

I will miss escorting in some ways when I leave it -- easy $$$, being fawned over and in some cases worshipped, lots of presents and visits to places I could have never afforded on my own, damn good sex, etc.  But in the end, I found someone who makes me a better and more loving person than I ever imagined to be possible, and we are a WE, not just me me me all the time.

Also, if this guy was a client or has dated escorts before, I would have some additional advice... it would affect my espnse somewhat.  Let me know if you'd like to hear it.

Now, I will probably be attacked by several nosy and know-it-all men on this board, several of whom are clients of mine.  Even though I like this job and 98% of the people I meet doing this are pretty awesome, there's always someone with a bone to pick.  Pick away!

Dear romanticprovider,

I can understand all your concerns. From the limited information you have provided and from the limited space available on this board, my answer to your question is, NO, you are not addicted to anything. You are logical, conscious of your well-being and weighing your options. There is nothing wrong with that. Every provider who plans to "hang up her panties" has to think this through, since there is so much at stake.

My advice is to seek an attorney who isn't some over-moralizing religious type and get a cohabitation agreement signed. This agreement would be valid until you decide to tie the knot [whatever you do, don't get married prior to living together for a while]. Be very upfront with your situation and of course you should include your future live-in during this visit. He is an attorney after all and should understand your position. In the agreement, you should specify things down to the very nitty-gritty - the amount you need for household expenses, the amount he is willing to provide for hair appointments, spending money, etc. You will need to include things like taxi fare, car maintenance, trips, utility bills, etc. You should also include a clause about the breakup - do you get some kind of "cushion" if he decides to leave the relationship? What about if you decide to call it quits?

I would bring this up to your boyfriend and craft the agreement together with him. You should then bring it to an attorney and  have it notarized. That way, there are no nasty surprises. If this sounds bizarre, let me disclose something to all naysayers: I did this with my husband when we decided to co-habitate, and it was one of the smartest and best things we ever did. We have been married for years now and we often laugh about it, but still - for that one year we just "lived together," there was never any doubt, argument or problem with money. And no, we don't have a pre-nup, which was our personal choice. Maybe the cohabitation agreement was instrumental in that regard, lol.

On the other hand, you seem to really love escorting. Are you sure you want to quit? You won't have the same amount of money in your pocket - can you be broke and happily in love?

Just a thought,
The Love Goddess

Thank you for the responses. I didn't post this on the PO Board because I have tried to ask TER to put me on it several times, but it never works! I have many reviews too.

Hi Sweetie, please PN me if you can, looks like we are both using alias's

"In the agreement, you should specify things down to the very nitty-gritty - the amount you need for household expenses, the amount he is willing to provide for hair appointments, spending money, etc. You will need to include things like taxi fare, car maintenance, trips, utility bills, etc. You should also include a clause about the breakup - do you get some kind of "cushion"


I can imagine how it might work for her with "some" guys, but reverse the roles and I laughed thinking of myself. Most of the ladies I have dated were not what most would consider rich. I did live with one young lady for a little over a year who was a "old money" multi millionaire. I can only wonder, should I have asked for that cohab agreement, with the cushion.

It's only the last century or so that all this love & romance came along and it's ruining everything.

Take care of your own needs first & foremost, be savvy. Don't end up old & broke when he finds a younger girl, if he does. He may not. But the statistics sure state otherwise.

I'm not bitter about it but I am a realist, I'm also a romantic but that doesn't require paperwork and attorneys

BB

Very funny and very true. I was lucky to get off easy financially from my divorce, but my Subsequent relationships have jaded me as well. Familiarity breeds contempt. I've seen very few exceptions.

The only problem is most women now are smarter than the guys.One of George Washingtons famous quotes.

"Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder."

He knew well since he married Martha Custis for her money, and not her beauty, or her brains.

Since you posted under an alias, I feel comfortable doing the same.

If your S.O. is not a hobbyist, definitely be prepared for the worst. Only hobbyists and providers, truly understand the nature of this community, regardless of what any civvie might say. If he is a civvie only, then it could be  only a matter of time before he verbally abuses you, once you officially retire IMO. Your past could be held over your head like the Sword of Damocles.

Follow LG's advice to prepare for the worst, as the chances are probably pretty good it will end badly if he has never hobbied. If this guy is a hobbyist, go for it! The main roadblock will always be finding someone who understands your past, and can put the activities of the community in proper perspective. I hope it works out for you.

Good luck

I hope the naysayers understand what kind of money a girl is giving  up for what might or might not last due to no fault of her own.
Relationships aren't a guarantee but cold hard cash will never fail you.

I will absolutely have a cohab agreement when I go down that path again and I am planning to early next year, guess I just announced my intended retirement

BB

She pays for her own stuff with her own money, and if we split up she gets nothing. Works for me!

This situation is not the norm since he's asking her to give up her job, but I would never ever want to get involved with someone that needed a piece of paper guaranteeing them financial support.

For six years I had a great dating relationship with a woman I originally met as a client when she was providing.  When she broke up with me, she yelled "I knew I should have never dated a client.  This is what I get.  What was I ever thinking!"  It went on like this for what seemed like an eternity.

This despite the fact we had six great years together- longer than most marriages last.  AND, she was still providing during that time (which I had no problems with) despite the fact she had another source of income.  It was so bizarre I felt like she was fighting with someone other than me, because the words coming out of her mouth didn't even match our situation.  

Even though it was she who wanted to break up because she met another guy,  it was still MY fault for having been a former client!- a truly surreal situation!  And sadly, one that revealed her true feelings for me and her clients.

So yeah, I can only imagine how difficult it would be to marry a guy that had no understanding or acceptance of your work or your life.

I dated a civvy plutonically for over six months after both of us had just experienced a break up,and I didn't try to have sex, or  get intimately close with her, because I had known her since she was a teen , and she was the daughter of a friend. We did all kinds of fun things from concerts,picnics at the park,many trips to the mountains and beach,scuba diving,hang gliding etc but no sex and no kissing other than quick  cheek peck , and she lived at her home alone and I lived at mine and at the time we both had some meaningless sexual adventures with others.
One night after going to the club, dancing  and drinking, everything changed. She instigated and I complied.A few months later we were staying at one or the others home almost everynight.
 She was 33 and had never been married. Even though  she didn't want children, she felt like she needed to get married before it was too late, and I was not in a hurry.
When we broke up a year later, at her choosing,  because I was not ready to meet her terms, she screamed at me I had only been using her as a trophy girl, to have temporary fun with..
 IMO the moral of the broken relationship adventures,no matter who we have relationships with and how much fun we are having ,sometimes they just don't work out in the long term.
Maybe the next one will.
I'm just glad I don't have a problem going to the Beach by myself.
   

I know this because I have heard a few providers tell me this. Some providers have a built in problem with ever dating clients. I know one pretty good, who stuck by this philosophy religiously, until she met a hobbyist who was well endowed. lol

I hearby nominate this as the best Freudian slip of all time.

It works on so many levels:

Did you do it doggy style?  (As in Micky Mouse's pet dog?

Or did you spend your time on the ex-planet (now planetoid) Pluto?

Or, my guess, like the randy god of the underworld (See link.)

As for your experience, I haven't done anything quite like that.....yet, but it sure rings true.

-- Modified on 7/10/2010 7:53:09 AM

roflmao  good point fisher...are you new to my posts. I have mentioned I am a high school drop out ..
I'm calling is a spelling mistake with my sunconscious freudian  interjections, overriding "derriere" to spellcheck.

I thought I read that in college, but have been unable to confirm it ever since.

When I did an internet search, the only thing that came up was my post on TER from 7 or 8 years ago when I asked the same question!  Of course, that was before we had a Love Goddess (but no pressure).

Are you sure that is legal in all states ? I will ask my lawyer buddies about this.

I would suggest save your money so you can remain independent.  But as you are used to "the life style" that is not going to happen.  The cohabitatin idea is sound, especially as you will now be working lovers, I mean working together at love, or lovers who are working together, you know.  Oh, now you are his employee?  Law partner?  How do you know he just does not want to be another lawyer who fucks you over for some free work then kicks you to the curb once he makes some money with your free work?

Escorting cannot go on forever, maybe you need this to develop your other business.  So pursue YOUR business while helping his and hopefully a middle ground will be found and you will live happily ever after.

So part time help from an escort is worth $150k to a solo lawyer.

Ha. That's a total fucking lie. Sorry.

Bitter men who pay for it and put everyone else down.  I wouldn't want to date this guy in my prfoessionla or real lfe -- YUCK!  he can keep his money.   Be happy if your BF has never been a client or the type that would pay for a woman's time.

Jerks like this are why many ladies are longer seeing forum members.

Ha! I trashed the guy for being a liar and you just trashed the whole board and everyone involved in the hobby.

What's the difference between a "client" and "the type that would pay for a woman's time".

Sorry, but PT paralegal help does not double a lawyer's income. If you want to believe that, fine. It's a red flag to me.

You seem very -- and unjustifiably -- angry.

When I read that -- $150K for part-time paralegal -- I sensed something was not right. Seems to me that guy was looking for a live-in escort.

Thanks for the feed back, but are you guys saying this because you are lawyers? I really appreciate all the responses by the way!

No, some of these bitter guys just like to act ike know-it-all's.  They even said I trashed the whole board, as if that defends their whining.  I wasn't trashing the whole board, just the ones like the 2 above!

You asked a question and got some answers, but mostly responses that involved the writer's agenda, not any sort of honest help or feedback... So these 2 yo-yo's just helped me prove my thesis -- go for it if your BF was never a client, but if he was be careful... Or you'll end up married to a Brewster-type.  Yuck!

In all seriousness, assuming you are/were a great paralegal, that is worth what, $50K to $75K a year?  So why "pay" you  $150K?  If he pays you say $350 an hour for sex 2x a week, that is
$36,400 probably say $45,000 for the extras everyso often.  I'm sorry, you are no bargain.  If this lawyer thinks he can make money with that math, well he's an idiot!  Stay away.

Yes,  you are a hopeless romantic so save your money and in a year quit this business and find a real boyfriend fuck him like the good professional whore you are and keep silent about where and how you learned how to satisfy a man!

I am a relative newbie, so take this for whatever it's worth.  
Your situation is not unique to being a provider, although it certainly adds what could be a major point of tension.  Women (and men) are constantly being asked to give up jobs, career opportunities and similar things to "go" with a lover to another geographic location.  They all have to balance current career against what may or may not be "true love".  You don't sound "addicted" to either money or love;  it's pretty normal to really want as much of both as you can get.
One key factor for me is that you would like to leave providing and go into your other business anyway.  Thus, in a long term sense, leaving may be consistent with your economic as well as emotional goals.
BUT I don't know you, I don't know your boyfriend, and I'm not a marriage/ relationship counselor.  Everyone on this board will give you advice filtered through the prism of his or her own experiences.  That's as it should be, but you are you and not them.  
There is a lot written on these boards about the potential problems of "real" provider/hobbyist relationships, and there are obviously issues.
One thing I can agree with is the desirability of spelling out as much as possible what your respective expectations are - you should talk with a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see if cohabitation contracts are enforceable, but, even if they are not, you may find some other way to guarantee some financial security in the short term (like an employment contract as a paralegal) - and, in any event, it's a real good idea to make sure -don't assume - that you have similar expectations, whether they are legally enforceable or not.
Now-as to the 150k- I am a lawyer.  A good paralegal (even full time) is not worth a salary of 150k, but she (or he) could, in the right circumstances, conceivably increase a lawyer's gross income by that much. However, I suspect your BF is engaging in at least some heavy wishful thinking here.  He wants this, and wants to convince you it will work, and that may be  severely affecting his judgment.  
To conclude.  I'm a romantic.  If you think it can work economically, and you can get some (maybe not a lot) short term economic protection, go  for it.  You both think you are in love, and that, at least for me, is worth taking risks.

Forgot something
As my ATF would forcefully point out, marriage is historically more about legal and financial ties than emotional ones.  While certainly all of us grew up in a culture where we would not want to get married (or be in an emotionally committed relationship) without love, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging and dealing with the legal and financial issues.  There is no requirement that true love be blind.

I see nothing wrong with an "arranged marriage."  In America, it's not so common, but it is still feasible.

I would add one thing: If you can ignore those who point their fingers at you and exclaim "Oh you're only in it for the money" (Yes, and your point is...??) and ignore also those who think it's wrong for any woman to be so sure of what she wants, then go for it.

Raising a glass to you darling!

Take heed romantic provider! Life is short, make the right choices before beauty and youth is gone....