I'm sure you've gone over this a million times, but there are times where I can't get Jr. up properly! Sometimes I could be w/ a DDG provider and can only manage semi-wood. When I get home from such an experience and reflect on how hot she was and how I was banging such a hot one, I get some wood like you wouldn't believe. I then proceed to whack off to my own mediocre performance, and often have an orgasm more intense than the one I previously released on/in the hottie.
What's up with that?

Like, Oh My God, indeed!

I don't know if we've gone over it as much as a million times on this board, but it sure seems to be a perennial. Do a search on "performance anxiety," set the search engine back 300 days and watch the messages fly. This is but one interesting thread we've had since day one on TEH.

And yes, you said it. PERFORMANCE anxiety. You're not stating how old you are, what your state of physical health might be, or if you use any stimulants/depressants...or even your general stress level in life. But rest assured, all these things play a part in 'being up for a cup.'

Try not having sex for a few weeks before scheduling and see what happens. Try the 'disinterested' approach, like Roberto Benigni in the hilarious film "The Monster:" While the gorgeous undercover cop literally was shoving her Venus mound in his face, he was looking up in the ceiling and reciting the daily trading report on foreign currency, just to de-focus. So you do the same. Let the girl attack you, while you study your fingernails and hum yourself a distracted tune. Try telling the provider that you don't care whatsoever if you get a hard-on, but that you're just there to have a nice time. And then lie down on her bed and just relaaaaaxx....

See if it works. Paradoxical interventions may seem silly, but they have been known to work wonders. If all that fails, then try tantra. You'll be restrained from having an orgasm in the most delicious manner.

Others, please,
the Love Goddess

I have a similar problem...in reverse.

When I am with a DDG guy I cannot feel anything.

He can look like Adonis with a fat, thick cock and fuck me like no one else done before and I still cannot feel shit. The whole thing seems out of place to me.

However, I can get tons of orgasms with an Average Joe. No matter the body type, age or cock size. I cum buckets with guys who are, well, plain joes.

I think is because, when I am with gorgeous guys, it doesn't seem REAL, is like, I fantasize about them BUT when I actually have one in the sack, it doesn't do much for me, I lose my "woody", lol.

Go figure, right?

When I masturbate, usually I fantasize about the drop dead gorgeous, but I cannot fuck them in real life.

Yeah, like you said, what's up with that?





-- Modified on 1/22/2007 4:43:54 PM

Hi there BackDoorGirl,

It seems you are very aware of your phantasies! Good for you! And it just proves one thing - it never boils down to just looks, and having sex is a two-way street (unless you're masturbating alone of course.) The DDG guy's pheromones may not turn you on...it could be the way he holds you - or avoids eye contact...or acts a certain way. Pure and simple, there's no accounting for chemistry except, well, chemistry.

Also, when you're with an "average joe," there isn't so much pressure to participate in the perfect phantasy on your end. In other words, if you two don't look like the cover of a Harlequin romance or a Calvin Klein ad, so what? But I think that we women (yes, there is a slight bias here, folks) get our panties in quite a bunch when we meet a true Adonis. All that plumage! I think we unconsciously start to look a little too closely at our seams and try to 'measure up.' And especially in a provider-client situation, he's the one who solicited you - based on photos, reviews, etc. So there's perhaps a little more pressure involved when a real looker of a guy wanders into your space.

And maybe, maybe that cliché is true: plain looking boys always try harder to get the pretty girl. And maybe that thought is operating in the back of your mind. In my own travels, I sure have found it to be true!

Love Goddess (the ancient)

Maybe it's performance anxiety that motivates the fantasies, but the one thing about the fantasy is that the woman (or women) in your mind will do exactly what you need her to do exactly when you need her to do it.  You could even completely switch the woman to somebody else with a quick cut when you really need somebody else.      

Not that I'm not recommending fantasy above the real thing, of course.  Just to say, it is possible when you meet a real person that your mind might try to play the fantasies underneath the real encounter.  Maybe you do that because of anxiety.  Maybe with more anxiety you try to do it more.

If so, you could get stuck in between.  The fantasy doesn't get you turned on, it merely distracts you and removes you from the moment.  Meanwhile the reality won't let the fantasy work.  Then afterward, when you're left alone to fantasize about it, then you can get aroused.  

Maybe some kind of erotic surprise will bring you into moment?  Of course, you have to depend on the lady to deliver that, and hope it works.  Even so, a good way to do it might be to initiate some kind of erotic surprise with her and see if her response arouses you.  (You have to be sure that it's a surprise that won't break boundaries, now!  Maybe a surprise that most every lady will find pleasant.)  

About the best session I ever had was with a provider who had her nipples in my face within 5 minutes after we met.  I then surprised her back by going down on her immediately.  After that, I didn't need any fantasies and neither did she.  I was collecting fantasies for later use.  

You could bet I've used that memory for fantasies.   I have to because she's now retired.      

or more... by the time I get to two weeks of being without, I am so damned horny I call for a last minute session with my ATF... and does she ever know how to take care of my stiffy.
Purely psychological folks... we all need to put less pressure on ourselves and just approach as if we want to have fun.

BackDoorGirl,

Providers (God bless them) have made a decision to allow themselves to have sex with anyone - ugly or good looking, crude or polite.  

This is an admirable quality. You allow yourself to be non-judgmental. How many other areas of society really are? You've trained your brain and are used to performing this. You "turn frogs into princes" every day.

But now, as you tell it, along comes someone totally different - a true Adonis, whom you maybe feel really attracted to.  This is no frog - he's a real prince!

Suddenly: this is an entirely different problem confronting you.  And your brain, I think, is, very understandably, acting self-protectively.  "Hey, wait a minute, BDG.  You better be careful here. You could fall in love with this guy. And you probably shouldn't.  He's maybe married.  Or if he isn't, he's not the type to be loyal to you - he'll screw around."

So now, you have a conscious decision to make.  Do you want to go with your subconscious?  Maybe it's right.  Or, do you want to take a chance and let yourself go with this guy?

Only you know which choice you really want. But you have to decide.

If you decide you want the latter, to let yourself go with him, your subconscious will almost certainly continue to resist you.  So, here's how you control it.  Just imagine the Adonis is what you're used to - ugly or essentially unappealing.  

I'm entirely serious about this - this is not a joke.  It's what psychoanalyst Viktor Frankl called 'paradoxical intention'.  Love Goddess has alluded to this brain technique in a few prior posts.

If you want to relate to this prince, you may have to convince your mind he's a frog.  You can absolutely do this (just as you've successfully done the reverse).  See, smell, taste, feel his inner frog.

If you don't believe you can think this, it's probably because you have the fear (which many people have) that "He'll know what I'm thinking".  [Teenage boys have the same problem -they think their mother will read their mind and know they're constantly thinking about sex. That's why they're often anxious and withdrawn.]

But, no - he truly will not know what you're thinking.  Nobody can really read anyone else's mind.

And don't ever tell him (until maybe months later, when, if things go as you maybe you hope, you'll know him really, really well.)

Prince or frog?  It's all up to you.

Because you've so kindly turned so many frogs into princes, you've earned well your right to turn any prince you want...back into your own personal frog.  

So, if you want him, kiss your frog.

Greg





-- Modified on 1/23/2007 4:29:28 AM