Is it common that when a person in a stale relationship becomes a hobbyist that it can improve things at home?  I have to say that in the days since my first encounter, I have never been hornier and today had one of the nicer experiences with my mate.  I also have gone from jerking off a couple times a day to none at all.  I no longer need to imagine what it would be like to have my world rocked.  Just curious.

Well, thebadass,

It's certainly not an impossibility...although it depends on what "improve things at home" truly means. For some men, particularly those who do not get enough sex from their wife/S.O., hobbying can take the "edge" off and put the individual in a more relaxed state. But I would also caution you against putting too much stock in the blessings of getting your wick dipped regularly. It doesn't solve all the world's problems...only some, maybe

Walk slowly and be careful with that big stick,
the Love Goddess

It is nice to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side of the hill.

My wife has emotional issues that have kept us (especially me) from having a great sex life.  She knows it and is sad about it, but life deals bad cards sometimes.

With a couple extraordinary relationships (and one tantalizing one with a neighbor, well chronicled in this forum) I've realized what "can be."   It was never that good with my wife and it never will be.  

So in a way I know what we (my wife and I) could have had.  A true GFE is amazing.   I'd sure love to have it at home, but it will never be - she is just too emotionally damaged from her childhood.

CG

well what you forget is that by enjoying the "Fantasy" you are only taking all the fluff and none of the BS.

I will admit my ex always had a "True GFE/PSE" in the bedroom. He was very fortunate more than most. Even b4 I entered this lifestyle I was always very passionate in relationships...but thats not all there is to me. He got the fluff and the BS that goes along with it.
It's a fantasy Gentlemen. One I hope you are thrilled with when you and I part ways...but a fantasy none the less.

You may find a lover who will drive you out of your mind in the bedroom but she may also drive you out of your mind in a lot of others ways.
It is Truely a give and take here in this world and any other, it's a glimpse of how it should be but not how it always is.  

-- Modified on 4/13/2008 4:53:55 PM

My wife is a great lady but in bed I am responsible for getting myself aroused (she will not touch it), no oral for her or me, of course and she just lies there while we do it.  She does have orgasms almost every time (not vocal but vaginal spasms tell me).  She has a killer body that helps with me getting turned on.  My provider told me as I just lied there while she was giving me a BBBJ that it would be better if I told her what felt good so that she could do more of that...faster, slower, etc.  I was having trouble coming while in bed with my wife and she occasionally would put her hands somewhere that started the pre-orgasm tingling, then she would stop before I could come.  After that happened a few times I put her hands where it felt so good and when she stopped after a couple of seconds I told her to keep doing that, that it felt so good and when I felt the tingle I told her not to stop because I was about to come.  It was one of our better sessions.  I am convinced that it was good because I took the advice and was able to vocalize what I needed.  I will get better as we go along asking for what I want and even asking her if what I am doing is good.

I have always felt deprived that I had not had oral or CIM for 28 years and not from her, she has great boobs but no Russian allowed, No tongue kissing.  This was causing me to be resentful to my wife and was driving a wedge in our relationship.  Now that I have a way of fulfilling my fantasies, I am so much nicer to my wife so she is so much nicer to me.  I know it sound crazy but I really think this is going to work.  I will be very careful to not leave any trails on the phone or computer and will never be "working late at the office"  This is the first time I have felt alive in a very long time, sexually.  The other areas of my life are great but sex is really important.  For decades most of my sex life consisted of masturbation and that is no way to live.  I read somewhere that a great sex life is equivalent to a $50,000.00 a year raise.  Since I have had only one experience and so much has happened in one week I will let you know what happens in the future.  You people on this board have given me some great advice and it is much appreciated.

-- Modified on 11/14/2008 4:50:48 PM

I got into this for the exact same reason that you did.  What I did not realize is that by feeling fulfilled in general, by living out my fantasies for real, took away my desire for porn and rekindled my desire for my wife.  Even though she can't give me everything that I wanted.  I am your same age group and I didn't want to get to a point that I would not even be able to live out these fantasies because I waited too long.  It may possibly help you too if you let it.  You can now throw away the resentment you feel toward your wife for not giving you what you need (just guessing from my situation) and let her know how much she turns you on.  I did that this weekend (same week as my first encounter) and she is a new woman...and I am a new man.  I would like to say that this is why I did it.  It is not, this is just a super bonus that I would never have expected in a million years.  I hope you are as lucky.  May work for others too.

Glad that you've experienced that effect.  You've used a word that epitomizes my feelings toward my wife - resent.  Unfortunately, I don't see how hobbying removes the feeling of resent directed toward the wife.  And I do think there is a fine line between extreme resent and outright hatred.  

My wife was never a particularly horny person, but early in our marriage, she was always at least willing.  That's now gone away (we are both in our forties).  She would still have limited sex at the present time, but when it's just such an obvious chore for your partner, it isn't really any fun in my opinion.  I know deep down she has no interest, and I've taken the view that I do not want her to do me any favors.  

The feeling of resent has been a powerful one in my mind.  It is almost as if it pops into my mind every time I look at her.  This feeling permeates into my daily interaction with her.    Sex was very important to me and I would not have married her had I known this was going to happen.  I feel as though she has not lived up to her end of the deal.  We've talked about the sex issue over and over and she knows my feelings on the matter, but at this point it has become such a heated, intertwined, finger-pointing argument that it is not going to be resolved.  Sex was never a big deal to her, and I don't think she can fully grasp the concept that it was a big deal to me.

Hobbying can provide what I am lacking at home, but I can't say it makes my marriage any better.  Marriage is not supposed to be sexless.

even when you know that the wife has emotional issues that have nothing to do with "us."  

But it's the way that man / woman relationships have worked for eons.  Men are horny and women, especially after menopause and/or "kids" - just are not.  Fact.

That's why men buy that time where they get the attention / orgasms / whatever the thing you're missing is.   And the ladies that provide for us understand our needs and are capable of handling the emotional issues.  Bless their hearts.

The crass statement is that men need pussy.  Women need other things later in life and giving it to their mate of 20+ years seems to fall off the charts.

My behavior in marriage improved somewhat in early hobbying- experienced relief, dissipation of anger/resentment toward my wife, and treated her better.

However, prepare for the next phase and accept one warning for what it's worth.

The next phase is the sauving of your marital problems by visits will pass and the relationship with your wife will go back to status quo, and resentment will build again.  You can not expect a the bandaid of pay for play fantasy sex to heal the issues in your marriage that may have led you to hobby.

If anything, you may find your attitude much worse toward your marriage after awhile as you think you are getting from the ladies in the hobby what you really need.  And as SweetNicole said- no reality there, you are paying only for the good side and not seeing the "real gfe" side.

The warning- you'll begin to think you are getting from the ladies you see what you are not getting in your marriage and get confused.

One or more of three things may happen.  
1)- you'll start having feelings for one or more of your ladies.  
2)  You'll realize the marriage is a goner and start to want divorce
3)  Hopefully you'll figure out what it is all about and enjoy the ladies just for the companionship and sex and not expect more, and treat your marriage as a separate issue that needs to be either worked on or dissolved.

Hope that helps for what it's worth (exactly what you paid for it!)

I guess I am the exception.  I lived out a number of my fantasies in a few visits with a very special lady and the resentment went away.  I started to give my wife lots more attention and made her feel very sexy and wanted.  She responded positively and now I am saving myself for my wife.  I am no longer seeing the angel that allowed me to live out my fantasies but I let her know how much I appreciated her help.  Life is so much better now around the house and I hope that I might be able to introduce some of the activities from the hobby into the marriage.  Slowly, carefully, thoughtfully and tenderly.  I never fell out of love but at my age I thought it would be a real shame to have never had the experiences that I had in the hobby however briefly.  I may still live out a couple more fantasies just to have done everything that I ever fantasised about but not because of resentment but just out of curiosity to have at least experienced it once.  These forums made it clear that it is not a good idea to fall for a provider.  I listened to you and I am eternally grateful.  It is so easy to let it happen.  I was well on my way until I read this forum and it brought me back to reality.  Thanks