I find it nearly impossible to make friends with women...especially ones I have anything in common with, like other providers or girls in the industry.  I live in NC which makes it pretty difficult to meet "cool" people anyway.  Are people in the industry just too UTR or cliquish to hang out or something?  I feel isolated without people to talk to who relate to what I do, and I'm not the type that wants to hang around some uptight soccer mom and her kids, or an old church mouse, lol.  I go out a bit, but I'm always stuck in a corner alone trying to avoid being hit on constantly, which is a buzzkill- it would be nice to find people I have something in common with, even if it was just going to the mall or the gym.  Any suggestions?

My dear katiana,

Well if that wasn't a description of provider occupational hazard, then I don't know what is. Providing can get very isolating and very lonely! And at the same time, it's difficult to reach out, mainly because of trust issues. To provide is to give, but it's also to shelter, to hide and to protect. That can easily spill over in relationships with other women, even if they do the same thing. The process becomes almost second nature, mainly because as a provider, you have a different persona - different name, different "official background story," an entirely different psychic "voice." And some providers don't want to present their off-duty selves to anyone, not even other women in the business.

I'm not one to say that providers are nasty to one another or engage in cutthroat competition; it's more a question of sometimes betraying trust, often carelessly and unintentionally to other clients. A provider may tell something to another in confidence, or disclose details in her private life, and suddenly become fodder for client-provider chat which is completely out of her control. As a result of this, many providers really limit contact with their sisters, and maybe stick to one, max two other colleagues with whom they share details of their private lives. Others are therefore kept at a distance. Now add that to the fact that providing has to be kept hidden for legal and social reasons, and all of a sudden, you have very few friends. So what to do?

My advice is to get on the Web and find like-minded people with whom you can exchange information on topics or hobbies you do feel passionate about. It can be anything, from politics to heavy metal music to Christian choir-singing - whatever floats your boat. Me, I like those fan-sites on facebook. And then, when there's an event, e.g. concert or lecture, you can reach out and contact people who are also going. In addition, there are all those physical hobbies which actually are GOOD for you - hiking, rock-climbing, cycling, whatever. Yoga studios are great for meeting people and making friends.

As to meeting people in the industry - well, TER is good for that. Are you a member of the Providers Board? That's always a great place to meet and talk. There, you can get some contacts for further friendship and talk.

The biggest problem is always the first step. Once you begin engaging in seeking, you will find. Try doing something that will break your patterns [see the thread begun by Lovelylorena on this page], and I can almost guarantee that you will find new friends.

Let us know how it goes,
The Love Goddess

Thanks so much.  I guess its just hard to make friends around here that have anything much in common.  Most of my friends are in NYC...and its pretty hard to find like-minded people who like to go out and have a good time- I'm one of the weird art-school type personalities, and I'm pretty outspoken and foul-mouthed at times, lol.  There is a bit of back-biting with women in the biz, but thats just competition.  I plan to become a member at the YMCA and yoga classes and such there should help with making 'normal' friends.  I guess I'm just more into the type of gal friends that go out on the weekend and cut up, lol they usually don't go to gyms.  Maybe I have a trust issue (watching what I say)- I don't want to say the wrong thing and be too opinionated on stuff that rubs people the wrong way- around here, opposing (liberal) views aren't that appreciated.  Not that its a bad thing- I was born in NC, but my goodness, doesn't anyone like to go out and party around here?  LOL.  See, the thing with me is that my true personality is closer to my working one, and I have to 'put-on' to feel normal around people.  It does get confusing and lonely.

Thanks for your advice, and I'll try looking up interesting web groups.

I've never been a guy's guy.  All my most important relationships have always been with women, and I've always felt that I've missed out on something.

As a result of posting on TER and other boards, I've begun to reach out to my fellow hobbyists and now have begun to meet with them sporadically and also write and talk on the phone from time to time.

It's a new and welcome dimension to my life; sort of a side benefit one might say of the the hobby boards.

Yeah, all my best friends were guys growing up, but now I miss having girl friends.  It is a release to write on the boards though, you're right.  It's just a little impersonal, but it works.  I just joined the 'meetup' website, so I'll see what comes of that.  There's always that natural human need to interact, we are a social species, some of us are just better at it than others, lol.  Glad someone feels the same as I.

"I'm always stuck in a corner alone trying to avoid being hit on constantly"

Gosh, how different it is for women. I wish chicks would hit on me constantly!