Okay, LG, I took your advice and over a 6 week period broke the cycle of masturbating to porn or otherwise. The idea was to help with my psychological ED problem. During that time, I have seen 3 providers and have had sex with my wife a few times. This is what I learned:

I still can't get hard enough for penetration with providers, even though I am semi-hard enough for oral sex. There does seem to be some improvement in my state of relaxation. However, with my wife, I can have intercourse and orgasm, successfully, ONLY if my mind disappears into fantasy. With providers, I don't want to do that, because I'm intrigued with what they are doing and I WANT to experience the pleasure of the real thing, not disappear into fantasies that I know make me hard.

So what do I do? One guy told me that it took him 20 visits to providers to get over the "hump." Is it just a matter of time? And as far as my wife is concerned, does it mean that I'm just not aroused by her (married 28 years)and need to fantasize to have sex with her? Just tonight, I was able to have an orgasm, by fantasizing about the session I'm going to have with a provider this coming weekend.

Dear infomike,
Are you not using a condom with your wife, but with the providers [I hope so.] Condoms can be distracting. However:

The other issue seems like a no-brainer to me. When you go censuring yourself like that - meaning, not allowing yourself to have fantasies while with providers - then you put pressure on yourself to conform to a specific behavior. And if that's not an erection-killer, then I don't know.

What THE HECK is wrong with fantasizing at ALL TIMES if it gets you horny???!!! Fuhgeddabout the fact that they are "providers" who are supposed to rock your boat. I got some good news for ya, infomike: some people ONLY get off with the help of fantasies, no matter who they're banging. And it's OK!!!! Yesss!!!!

Instead of avoiding what gets you hot...do MORE of it! It would be one thing if you were stuck to a computer or a DVD, looking at images, or taking drugs or drinking massively to get off...but your own self-generated fantasies...what an AMAZING aphrodisiac! I'm envious, I'll tell you that right now off the bat. It's a gift to be so imaginative in your own head, that's for sure.

As to the wifey...yeah, I suppose 28 years will habituate you somewhat..but at least you're able to penetrate and orgasm. That's more than some others in that situation. As to the providers...like I said before, they're just women too, and I don't see a big difference, other than in the most superficial way. So go ahead and indulge in your phantasies! Forget about "getting over the hump," and start humping while your mind goes thumping ;-D. Try it this weekend with the provider and see what happens...

Let's all hear the report later,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 10/17/2007 8:57:56 AM

Thanks, LG...that made me think. No, I don't use condoms with providers, because I've never come close to getting hard enough for full sex. I can only do BBBJ. I would think that hell froze over if I could ever be able to do that. In fact, I think I tried a condom one time in my whole life and that was with my wife. The reason that I didn't want to fantasize with providers is because I was trying to get off in what's really happening to me, which is quite hot. Why should my crazy brain need to fantasize, when what I'm doing was a fantasy in itself? But now you are saying it's okay..Wow...what a shock..very interesting advice and here I thought I had a problem.

Okay...I'm going to try it tomorrow and report back.

Just pretend you are in bed with me...  It will either make you harder than superman, or scare you into celibacy.  LOL  

But seriously though, I agree with LG. Many men "lose it" when a condom is involved.  On many occasions I've been with a gent who is rock hard, right up until that 30 second period of putting the condom on and getting into position, then... deflation.

Personally as a TS I experience something very similar to you.  With my partner Jessica or by myself with a little fantasy and uncovered, things work just fine.

But put me with a guy (or girl) I just met 10 minutes before, and having the pressure of "having" to "perform," and nothing happens.

Sometimes though, when the chemistry and passion are good it stands right up - but (not that I'm narcissict) I'm very thick toward the base and even with a "magnum," as soon as a condom goes on I have about 5 minutes until things deflate.

Which is why these days I only bill myself as a "bottom."  I am a "girl" after all.  I don't want to "do" a man, so it doesn't matter anyway to me.

Have you tried enhancers such as cock rings?  And of course Viagra (it gives me a headache so I don't use it.)

Have fun, keep trying, cover up.

Giggle,
TS Jamie

Thanks, Jamie. A provider used a cock ring on me, once...it had some effect I think..and I was on Viagra, too! Those kinds of remedies are most effective for physical ED, as opposed to mental. One provider told me, "you can use some Viagra." and I said,"I'm on it now!"

I'm reporting back from my weekend visit to one of my favorite providers. First of all, something completely unexpected happened. When she began stroking my cock with her hand, I got completely hard. I was really surprised, but I think that was due to that being my third visit and I was more comfortable. Well, after that, I'm thinking..oh, my god..she got me hard..and thinking about being hard doesn't keep you very hard. Anyway, I tried to fantasize while she was doing BBBJ, but how can I think of anything else while this little angel is looking up at me, so sweetly, with her mouth on my cock. I mean it was so beautiful and awe inspiring that I just had to watch! Anyway, I was able concentrate on her enough to get semi-hard and cum, but I'll keep on trying.

Good for you, infomike!

It's called "paradoxical intention" (or "intervention" if you're a therapist like me.)Sometimes people just need permission to do more of what they like...and then they find that they don't need to do it all the time...they can vary their repertoire a little!

But please remember that it's not "better" or "more appropriate" to have sex without fantasizing during the act. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT in this regard. There IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. That would be like criticizing someone's taste in food. Look at the human panoply of taste for various foods in this world. In Peru,for example, they eat rodents (I have seen this with my own eyes); we eat crustaceans, which to some people must seem utterly weird. As to what gets us off, again, there are as many scenarios as there are people. So yes, it's totally OK to fantasize and I encourage people to do it as much as possible - if they like it. Sex is a great activity but doesn't come easy to some; like dancing the tango, doing differential equations, speaking several languages, fishing, sailing, flying planes, etc. etc. etc. And there isn't a RIGHT WAY of having sex. No siree, it's all up to the individual as to what feels good.

So keep fantasizing...or not, whichever floats your boat at the time....

Keep on thinking...
the Love Goddess