A hobbyist who I was close to passed away suddenly on Sunday.  We were pretty exclusive most of this year.  I met most of his close friends so one of them called me to tell me what happened.  

I have my head on relatively straight now and need to ask how to handle closure.  

Walking up to his coffin and hugging him goodbye is what I want to do.  He'd been astranged to his wife for a long time and just a week ago told her he was leaving her.  He has a teenage daughter.  
 
His wife has his cell phone and told a mutual friend she didn't really want to know who or what he was doing.  This tells me she needs his memory to be of a loving husband, not of a man leaving her with a mistress.
 
I need closure though.  His funeral is wednesday about 2 hours from here.

I also wanted to give his wife and daughter a generous gift anonymously to attone in some way.  I thought I'd give it to one of his friends I trust to place in a basket at the funeral for his wife and daughter.    

Since I'm the "other woman" I don't feel comfortable attending his wake or funeral, but I want to.  I'm worried my appearance could be recognized by his wife or daughter as being the other woman and hurt feelings.  I doubt I can attend without crying.

I could go to his grave and place flowers after the ceremony.  It doesn't feel like what I want to do, but it feels like the right thing to do.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

You should attend the funeral and/or wake, but stay in the back and do not call attention to yourself.

The idea you had of visiting the grave and leaving flowers sounds very apt.

The point is to do nothing that will stir up the emotions or hurt the feelings of those who remain.  

Think about what he would have advised if he could discuss it with you while he was alive.

I am so sorry for this loss.

I would prefer to say my goodbyes at the funeral home Tuesday evening.  
 
I need to touch him and kiss him goodbye.  I've been to funerals, but few wakes.  Is there a time the evening before at the funeral home where I can have private time and avoid family?
I was wondering if I called the funeral home if they weren't used to this type of situation.  Maybe they'll allow me time before or after everyone's gone?

are there before the guests arrive and stay for a while after the guests leave, so I'm afraid that having an opportunity to touch the body is very questionable.

Still, if you go up to the casket and kneel and pray you may be able to discretely touch the body (assuming it is open casket, not all are).

Wondering if calling and asking if I can visit discreetly won't just end up being discussed with his wife.  
I think you're right.  He had a few single friends I know who probably would accompany me to the wake or funeral.  
I know it seems odd, but I feel the need to hug him.  I'll have to settle for something else.  
The funeral is being held in his small hometown.  I don't want to take the chance of everyone wondering who I am.

I agree that you should attend the wake and be discreet.  You'll also have to keep your emotions in check while there - you can let it go later.  If someone asks who you are or whatever, you could say "I'm a friend of the deceased, and I'm here to pay my respects."  No further explanation is necessary.
Also, I hope you don't feel guilty -- on the face of it, you did nothing wrong, and a cash donation, while generous on your part, is certainly not necessary.  If the surviving family is in financial duress in some way, perhaps a small anonymous gift would help them.
I hope your perfectly natural and legitimate desire to pay your respects goes smoothly.

I, too, am sorry for your loss. My thoughts will be with you as you grieve.

My advice is to put discretion before your need for closure. Closure isn't somehting that happens with one action anyway. It takes a long time to work through the death of someone close to us. In this case, I think your needs come after the needs of family.

I'm trying to figure out a way that I can have my own goodbyes.
I'll be thinking about him the rest of my life I'm sure.  
Maybe closure isn't the appropriate terminology.  I need to say goodbye....

Butt out. That's the life of "the other woman". Sex workers are very rarely welcomed at funerals by the surviving family. Live and learn.

why dont you pay your respects at the graveside after everyone has left, that way, you get your closure and your discretion?
just my 2 pennies,,,

Bob, I must disagree with you.  The lady is a close friend of the deceased and she has every legitimate right to want to be there, unless the wake is a family only affair. It's not a bad idea at all for her to consult with the funeral home, explain that she's a close friend who wants to pay her respects and say a discreet goodbye without upsetting the family or other guests.  That's what funeral homes are for -- to handle delicate matters with discretion and good taste, and avoiding potentially upsetting confrontations for EVERYONE.  Saying she was "the other woman" stigmatizes her unfairly.  Do not proviers have the same feelings as the rest of us, and when they lose someone close are they not entitled to mourn too?  Telling her to butt out is doing the work of the holier than thou, self-righteous self-appointed keepers of our moral standards, who'd like to sitgmatize all of us.  Giving in to them demans us all.  Again, to the lady: be careful, be discreet, be tasteful, but do what you need to do.  My $.025

Since I don't know which funeral home yet, I called a few today to ask for advice.  
They reserve time after the family has left the wake.  This obviously isn't the first time this sort of thing has been requested.  I'm guessing X wives?  
The specifics are being given to me tonight so I'm going to call tomorrow and ask if they can accomodate me.  
Wish me luck.  Thanks for all the advise!  

I mean no disrespect to his family.  I don't perceive myself as a "sex worker" in this case, but I can certainly see how someone not knowing the specifics of this relationship would assume so.

I can see no reason why you couldn't attend-no need to get into a discussion with "family"-I think you said they had been estranged-under that scenario-I would guess he would have had friends that the family wouldn't have known-if it were my funeral and the relationship was as you described-I would feel very priviledged if you were to attend-Good luck!

Dear Sunny Bunny,

This is one of those unfortunate problems that can come up if you are a provider who has had a close relationship with a hobbyist. However, I think your instincts are right on target in this case. To wit:

If the hobbyist chose not to include you in his family life, e.g. meet with his teenage daughter [obviously not the wife, since they were estranged,] then I would suggest that you visit the gravesite after all is said and done. Do place flowers after the ceremony. Do not give a generous gift to his wife and daughter - it may feel like "atonement" to you, but to them, it would just be in poor taste. I think you understand why. You don't know them, you slept with their husband/father for money, and I doubt that they would understand the connection you had with him.

Of course, everyone has his/her personal view of what funerals are all about. Personally, I believe that the dead are just as pleased if you visit them after the fact, rather than showing up and making a statement at the services. Funerals, particularly if the person had some notoriety or was a public individual, are frequently for those who wish to pay their respects and be seen doing it. You can have a much more intimate and soulful moment alone at the site, without others staring and wondering.

I hope you will feel better soon,
the Love Goddess

pay your respects at the graveside well after the service.  
Even if you get the funeral home to let you in when the family isn't present, it remains what you describe as a "small hometown".  As the resident of a small town myself I can assure you that your visit will not go unnoticed, and can only bring further pain to the family.
You have done the right thing for the past year in keeping his confidence.  Do this last thing for him and do not risk his reputation or more turmoil for the family.  Stay away from the funeral home.

-- Modified on 8/7/2007 4:41:19 PM

His wake will be in a large town, but drifting in secretly after family leaves feels wrong.  

I'm told they're fine financially.  I didn't know if an offering plate was present or not at wakes.  I've been to very few funerals or wakes.

I've seldom had to grieve over a loss like this.  My emotions have bounced all over the place and this morning it hit me hard again.  I had an overwhelming feeling to hold him.  Right now at least, I'm of sounder mind and emotions.

The situation is more complex than what I wanted to share here.  I can't blame anyone for thinking this was just a sex worker/hobbyist relationship.

Thank you all for your clairty.

It's apparent to me that you and this fellow had much more than a provider/hobbyist relationship.  It also appears that you were both left the better for it. It is sad that he passed suddenly but I'm sure that your time with him was a very fond memory that he took with him to the grave. His physical body is just the shell that held his spirit and his spirit is ultimately the part of him that was important to you. You will hold his memory in your heart and I think that any man would be smiling down from whatever better place he is now at this thought.
You are grieving right now and thinking that a single act will fill the void that has been left by your friend's untimely departure. It won't, but in time the pain will heal and the happy memories will remain. I'm truly touched by your feelings for this very lucky man. I wish you the best in your time of grieving.

-- Modified on 8/8/2007 6:11:15 AM

it's very difficult for anyone to understand oneself, none-the-less others.  I forgive those who want to judge me, they don't know me.

I am not going to the wake, but I am attending his funeral.  There will be an hour before services to say my goodbyes at the entry of the church while family is in the back waiting for services to start.  

If any of these people had read the obituary, they'd understand this marriage was over long before he told her he was leaving.  

He will smile when he sees me from above.

Sunny, you are really getting to my heart!
I hope that your grief will be managed well, I am
really at a loss as to what you should do as far as the funeral stuff goes.
Whatever you do decide to do, do it as a woman
who lost a very close friend, and allow for your
tears to flow, and only then will you be able to
move forward from here.
Best wishes!

I know you've had some hard times and sympathise with you Trooper.
I'm not blubbering anymore, but I do get waves of sadness.  I could have used some anger management today.  I'm hoping the anger stage is over, not pretty. LOL

The funeral home doesn't have private visitation.  Seeing him just before the funeral feels frieky like some bad 'b' movie.  

One of his friends offered to bring me.  I really don't want to go inside, that's his family's sanctuary, which someone else mentioned rightfully.

It's been wonderful expressing how I feel here.  I need this outlet to think things through.  I was not his girlfriend about to leave him for a new life.  I loved him, but I didn't love him to spend my life with.  Love/lust is strong stuff.

-- Modified on 8/8/2007 6:30:14 PM

The child in me says "yes mommy", then I go about my business pretending I could know best hahahahahahaha

I am sorry for your loss.  I hope you find closure.

So......How did you resolve this ??

I found out I had alot of good friends.  I'm tired so going to get a good night sleep.  

The grief was overwhelming at first.  
Thank you

He'd be happy to know, I think about him more than I did when he was alive
I'm doing well now.  Another escort in town asked me out to lunch yesterday, getting me out of a depression that started on Sunday.  I think I'm over all the stages now.  

Love and Happiness to all