I have a friend who believes that sleeping around deadens a persons' sensitivity and makes it nigh impossible to connect emotionally with someone for a LT relationship. I don't agree with him but I've been hobbying for a couple of years now and part of me is worried that he might be right and I may be damaging my chances of finding a serious LT partner. I've promised myself that I'll give up the hobby if a likely prospect comes along or seriously decide to pursue one, but I'm wondering if my attention to the hobby is preventing that from happening.

Dear pleasureprolonger,

First of all, let's dissect your friend's statement - does he mean that "sleeping around" with any and all females "deadens a person's sensitivity," or is he referring to sleeping with providers in particular?

In any case, I don't think it's as cut and dry as he makes it seem. Take someone quite famous - Warren Beatty for example. In his day, he banged chicks left and right, certainly qualifying for "sleeping around." But when the time came, he married Annette Bening and they're now going into their second decade of a rather happy marriage. And he's just an example, there are zillions of others who have done the same.

Now, having exclusively PAID sex may be a little different. In a case of having almost immediate access to women, someone may end up having expectations that can never be fulfilled by non-paid relationships. But what came first, the chicken or the egg? Was it a case of someone incapable of intimacy in the first place, or did the repeated exposure to paid sex cause the individual to gain a warped sense of love and commitment?

In my observation, the hobby itself doesn't make a man leery of intimacy. If it were so, thousands of men would not be able to have intimate relationships with their wives while still engaging occasionally with extracurricular sex partners. The reasons for this type of engagement are many and I don't need to go into them in this posting. But it may be that a man who already has problems with intimacy finds that the hobby fulfills most of his needs and therefore refrains from doing what society tells him to do - find a permanent partner and stick with her. I don't know about your friend, but being partnered is not necessarily for everyone. Some people actually PREFER being single and switching sex partners frequently. Maybe these people have intimacy with platonic friends, family or even pets?

I really believe that it's a bad idea to generalize and speak judgmentally as your friend has done. As to your own needs, ask yourself why you hobby and what the difference between a paid or civvie relationship would mean to you. What are the criteria for each? What can you live with, not live without [hope that makes sense to you]?

If you're so worried, then stop hobbying and see where it leads you. If you find your "LT partner" within a week or month, then come here and tell us. But my bet is that it won't make a difference, unless you're trying to make a provider into something she's not meant to be, like a surrogate girlfriend, for example. Of course, if you are obsessing over the hobby and elevating your encounters into substitutes for relationships, then take a step back and reassess. If it's just to get your wick dipped so that you won't go crazy, or even just to get some physical warmth from another human being, then it probably won't matter much once you fall in love with a civvie. Just watch the unrealistic expectations - they'll kill the deal every time, whether with a civvie or a paid provider.

Sex and commitment are two separate issues,
The Love Goddess

I spent 26 years in a marriage that was bereft of emotional intimacy for most of it's later stages.  I started seeing providers for variety and wound up finding the intimacy that was missing at home with several long-term ATF relationships.

True intimacy is trust. I have learned that you can find it in places that you never thought you would.

Right off let me say I don't think that participating in pay4play reduces the ability for intimacy...  perhaps it increases the desire for it, since many of us yearn for it beyond the appointed time segment and risk "falling for" providers who skillfully immitate it at our request.

But let me tell you another story.  As a young man I was seduced by a married woman.  Not quite Mrs Robinson but 10 years my senior.  I was totally in love with her...  and she was torn between 2 lovers...   We carried on the affair on & off for 5 years.  In the end, I broke it.  Regret:  YES.  I invested / wasted 5 years in a dead end relationship when I should have been dating girls my own age...  women with whom I could have had a civie relationship with.
 
The lesson:  If you are still interested in a civie relationship, you need to be available for it.  Do not let your hobbying block you from that opportunity.  On the other hand, the lack of a partner need not prevent your enjoyment & skill set with women.
 
The decision is up to you.
skb

the more women you make love to, the better lover you become; and they better you'll love the one you decide to become intimate with.

the hobby will make you more comfortable interrelating with women. Make you more outgoing.

This will strengthen your ability to be yourself and let your personaity "show"

This makes it *more likely* in my view that you will attract someone who will be drawn to you, and more likely that you will not shy away from that person. More likely that you will allow the interaction necessary for real intimacy to develop

And *less* likely that you will let the desire for sex cause you to accept negative behaviors or attitudes in a relationship.

I think the hobby will make it more likely over all that you will attract recognize and build intimacy with Ms Right.

my long time friends observe that i am more "myself" now since starting this than i have been in some years.

we are all multifaceted so different kinds of intimacies can be enjoyed with different people, different providers.

if done in a light and playful it needn't be deadening at all, rather enlivening.

I agree that generalizing is bad idea, especially about people and their behaviors or capabilities. My friend doesn't know that I hobby, nor does he know much about the hobby. We were strictly discussing  civvies, both male and female. I was saying that I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend who slept with 1 or 100 guys before me because I don't judge men who do the same so I wouldn't judge her (this is all the more true after I began hobbying). His point was that a woman who's had that many partners probably can't form a strong relationship with a single person. When I pointed out that we know male friends who have slept around just as much he made the further assumption that the same applies to them. In my case I'm not naive enough to have unrealistic expectations about a relationship with a provider, although I will acknowledge that the longing does exist for a certain few, or with non-paid relationships, as I understand that average women don't have the skills or personalities of pros, and I did have intimacy issues before I began hobbying. But I do have a few female friends that I highly respect and I guess the discussion put the irrational fear in me that my hobbying would start to make me see them solely as sex objects and, by extension, any future prospects I might meet for a LT relationship. But you've helped me see that I don't really have any cause for worry. Thank you for the sage advice.

Another generalization and not necessarily true. Some men become expert lovers with a long time partner after having few sexual relationships with other women. Some can even accomplish this with only one partner. It all depends on the person.

"If it's just to get your wick dipped so that you won't go crazy..."

this has to be the best, concise, to the point
description of a reason to see a provider I've
seen on these boards.

love and fortune favors the bold.