Re: Tough situation.......Advice? Lisa of Boston

Dear SweetSexyClassy,

First of all, take a deeeeeeep breath. I got heart palpitations just reading your posting!

Ok, now that we're all relaxed, let's think of an answer to your first question from a rather objective viewpoint: "Question:Should a provider, who meets a civilian, tell him the truth.........or not."

It depends entirely on the situation and the people involved. Some escorts are not only commercial sex workers, but also activists (bless their dedicated souls) and equate silence with being in the closet. These women feel that prostitution on ANY level is a profession like anyone else's and should be treated with dignity and acceptance. Such a woman could never "live a lie," it would be complete anathema to what she believes in.

Now, for others who live double lives in general, this becomes a sticky situation. I would say that a double-living lady cannot necessarily expect a boyfriend to participate in the same, meaning that for most people, living a double life is very difficult, and a boyfriend may not want to do that. His conscience, morals, ethics, etc. may become compromised - even if he loves his double-living lady. Leading a double life, by the way, entails a carefully framed system, in which things have their place and never get disturbed. To ask a boyfriend to participate in such a system, there would have to be some kind of reward for it...and love is rarely enough. Of course, there are men living off women who don't care one iota and who gladly will participate in any type of scheme just to get some fringe benefits. But such men rarely get any respect, and I'm sure that's not who this provider in question is talking about.

So then it comes down to her comfort level. If she is comfortable with a double life, then yes, maybe the boyfriend will have to be included in the same. Some women are truly capable of having almost two selves and managing them expertly, complete with fabricated jobs, addresses, family members, etc. What about the woman who gave incall clients a different name and GENDER for her pet??? Now that's leading a double life in the most minute details, LOL.

But clearly, this lady is not so comfortable, and so she pushed him away. And he went away. And now she is miserable. And, as you pointed out, it may be because she is "living a lie." And, to that I would add, "and she can't take it, like some can."

Your next question: "how long can you live a lie.....without consequences?"

The answer to that one is, plenty long, for some people. History, both anecdotal and documented, is full of people who have lived concealing their CURRENT families, spouses, genders, past criminal record, adoptions, etc, while living la vida loca with someone completely unsuspecting. The truth is then only revealed upon the person's death or publication of memoirs or autobiography.

So the only patent answer I can give is that it comes down to individual differences. This is one of those issues where giving someone advice is unproductive, because we all have differing levels of tolerance. And, since I'm not the morals police, I try not to get into discussions of what is right and what is wrong. For some people, living a lie has enabled them to amass large sums of money, retire from the business and...continue to live a lie, in the sense that the source of their earnings will always be kept secret. For others, crashing and burning psychologically from trying to manage doing something illegal and psychologically stigmatizing, lying or not, can be a difficult reality.

Your last question: "What can I do to help her?  Tough Situation!   Advice???? Suggestions???  I told her that maybe its time to give up escorting?"

If you truly are her friend, just be there for her. Do not judge her, do not belittle or berate her, just be there. You can use your own decision-making process as an example, but you can't expect her to follow, since she is a different person. You don't need to remind her of the fact that she is "living a lie." That's already a value judgment. "Living a lie" is different from "living a double-life." Clearly, it would not be her decision, had escorting not been so compromised in the eye of the law and in the eye of all hypocritical people on this planet. Keep that in mind as you admonish her. It may be tough being an escort, but that's all the more reason to show compassion and acceptance of the fact that other people's decisions are rarely what we would like them to be - or even what we would expect from ourselves in the same situation.

Like Karen Carpenter who was hiding her deadly anorexia sang: "We’re lost in this masquerade...."

The Ancient,
Love Goddess





-- Modified on 11/3/2007 3:13:16 PM

hey lisa...it's mriposa69 from south florida...im also a bostonian!!! luv them redsox!!!lol...
best advise to give her is to tell her is that the same way you meet your man is the same way you will loose him!!! a relationship built on a lie is destined to fail!!!!but hey,some people need to learn the hard way.....what can you do right? well, good luck mami....we can only hope for the best!!! if you ever make your way here to fortlauderdale..lets link up...kisses and hugs..xoxo mariposa

If she starts off a relationship with a lie, it will grow into a bigger one

If this is her sole income, tough to end what she does for a living

I am sure he has tonnes of skeletons in his closet, so perhaps date him a few times, see who he is, what he is all about first......if she is truly in love with him, OR at least what I would do, STOP being in the business all together......

Originally I was going to state: forget it!, but am a sucker for love

She is already pushing him away, so she has nothing to loose that she isn't risking already.

Once the relationship gets serious, she should tell him. The longer she waits, the harder it is to tell, and the harder the break-up.

There are only 3 cases:
1) He can never accept what she does, then she can never have him.
2) He can accept her past, but not her present. Then retiring works.
3) He is ok with her working. Then she doesn't have to retire.

#2 is the only reason to delay telling. Wait until she is willing to retire to fully commit to the relationship. However, the longer she waits, the more it creates trust issues when he does find out.

Best wishes.


-- Modified on 11/23/2007 10:09:31 AM