Lots of wisdom in previous posts but it covers mostly the plusses and minuses of hobbyists.  What about you providers?  It seems to me you bring something entirely different to the table, no pun intended -- substantial income must be the biggest motivation, and getting emotionally involved with customers is riskier for you, I would think, because it jeopardizes your income.  Also more difficult, since the numbers of encounters are so much more on the provider side.  And how do you  deal with the necessity of being special to every customer, every day, month after month?  That so many of you do it so well, with so much apparent pleasure and charm, indulging our fantasies and egos without condescension is a wonder of the modern world.  But the sheer frequency must take an emotional toll, eventually.  How many courtesan/GFE providers are able to walk away after a few years with a very tidy bundle and no emotional difficulties?  I hope the percentage is high but fear it is not.  And if you quit in good shape, what would you bring to any future relationships like marriage, or deal with the unfortunate and hypocritical social attitudes towards the profession?  Any insights?

They can't walk away with a tidy bundle and no emotional difficulties.  Their bodies will always respond automatically as they have been trained.  Their hearts and minds might fall in love but their bodies have been programmed to perform for money.  That is the price they pay.  It is a high price I believe.  Would you choose their profession?

Dear sunray1,

Very valid questions. In my observation, many providers who last in the business for years are able to compartmentalize a great deal. They are also great actresses and enjoy playing a role. This does not mean that they don't enjoy the work - on the contrary. I truly believe that a provider with longevity in the business has to have a genuine interest in sexual self-expression. Also, a successful provider charges higher than average rates and doesn't have to 'wear herself out' physically.

I do believe, however, that the toll exacted is not so much of the physical kind, but lies more in the constant uncertainty of the business. Canceled calls, no-shows, irregular working hours, the tyranny of the reviewer with an axe to grind, envy and competition from other providers, the isolation and the insular qualities of a business operated sub rosa - all that does take its toll. Add to it, the pressures of always being on top in terms of beauty and health.

As to marriage material, a provider who is intelligent, interesting and who has managed to lead a full life outside providing would make an excellent marriage partner. As to walking away with a tidy bundle - I don't believe that is necessarily the norm, although "the bundle" can also be measured in an education that's paid for, or a solid career path which has been carefully prepared for during previous years of providing.

In terms of assuming that a provider has emotional difficulties, it seems to be very individual and sometimes even a little bit of a cliché. Not all providers come from abusive backgrounds, and not all providers are damaged emotionally. All people have SOME emotional baggage, and it's very easy to construe an ex-provider's emotional life to be permanently impacted by her past. But for many, those working years were just that - work, and nothing more. The difficulty is always in the concealment - holes in the CV or resumé, where did all the money come from, etc. - and the construction of a watertight 'story.' I would venture to say that most providers do NOT discuss their professional past if they can avoid it, primarily because the work carries a hugely stigmatizing aspect.

From a personal viewpoint, I am always interested in how providers with children manage to construct their lives. At some point, those children grow up to be inquisitive teenagers. In addition, the burden of having an illegal profession while caring for minors - one's own - must exact some tremendous pressure. It's one thing to be Holly Golightly, and another one being Mutter Courage. Multiple arrests and convictions for prostitution can turn problematic in terms of child custody. Needless to say, this would be a worst case scenario, but nevertheless, having children and providing must add an additional emotional hardship.

Let us hear it from the ladies,
the Love Goddess

Getting involved with a client, does not impact income. It's only one client less.

Being special to every customer, is not an effort for an Elite companion, but would be if for a provider who views it as a chore.

It's an exciting idustry, and I love being a part of it. I get just as much from my clients as they get from me.
As far as relationships, marriage ect...for some of us Ladies, well, you can quit and take the lady out of the profession, but you won't take the profession out of the lady  ; )
My thoughts.

Dear Jennesequoi [cute user name,]

As a clinician, I'm afraid I have to disagree and post a reply, mainly on behalf of the many providers I have met and studied. Providers haven't been "programmed to perform for money." Au contraire [since we're Frenching it ] - every time a woman, provider or not, money or not, decides to share her body with another man, it is definitely a conscious decision. Otherwise, it would be an event something akin to rape. Something in the word "trained" can be construed as providers behaving like trained poodles and jump at every move. Far from it. I have found that successful providers not only set limits, but stringent ones at that. If they find something not to their liking and they sense that they will not enjoy the encounter sexually - independent of the fee paid - they usually terminate the encounter and walk away. Of course, you may find emotionally damaged providers who engage in emotional and physical masochism, but rest assured, such individuals are found among the general population in droves..I've seen them in my practice with regular frequency.

Providers fall in love just like everyone else. Their bodies respond with PEA and dopamine swings like everyone else's. That's the consequence of their "hearts and minds" falling in love. It is normal, and providers are not exempt from this process. Their bodies are not different from non-provider females in that regard.

What you may be referring to, however, is the ability to compartmentalize - and that is a conscious decision taken by higher order brain functions and not the autonomic nervous system. Now it has also been my experience that when providers are not "working," they are clearly able to "let go" and enjoy themselves sexually and emotionally just like civilians. In fact, I have observed the myth of the "hooker with a heart of gold" to be somewhat true. The providers I have met have been warm and passionate, capable of falling in love, and very giving, both materially and emotionally. The price they pay is that society refuses to recognize that a woman selling her time and companionship can be a high functioning, emotionally healthy individual, and that instead, there must be something inherently wrong with her lifestyle, choices and her nature.

In answer to your final question: I believe that if the social stigma were removed and we elevated courtesans instead of tearing them down, yes, many more women would choose the profession. The problem is not providing, the problem is society's schizophrenic response to a profession that is here to stay - as long as there are two horny sexes on this planet.

Bless the providers,
the Love Goddess

Everyone's comments are full of insights, but I would guess that despite the wisdom and compassion in LG's comment, she underestimates what must be a difficult situation for even the erotically gifted, charming and understanding providers we are referring to.  For example, I think most men can feel instant attraction and desire for women who appeal to them, and women can do the same.  THe difference is that civilians are free to act on this, depending on circumstances -- do nothing, pay money, try to seduce, try to court, or a combination.  A professional, man or woman, essentially does not have this choice (despite the ability to compartmentalize), assuming the client to be well-behaved, clean and respectful.  If I find a woman nice, but not physically attractive, I won't consider pursuing a physical liaison.  A provider really doesn't have that choice and must be intimate with people who are physically unattractive to him/her.  I think that must be very hard, and over time take a toll.  Two providers whom I hold in extremely high regard as perceptive individuals, have told me, despite their top reviews and the enthusiasm that was ascribed to them, that deep down they really didn't enjoy the profession despite the fact that their clients were always good to them and often turned them on.  They both said their work was "not easy," despite the financial rewards.
I don't want to belabor the point, but in the short time since I wandered into the hobby, I have come to have immense respect for the people I have met.

My previous job of working with the elderly in a care position was much  more of an emotional toll.  When you care for a person, everyday for years and then they pass away, that takes a real toll, and the pay sucks as well!  

I love being a quality courtsan!  I love providing a pleasurable hour or two to quality gentlemen.  I treat each gentleman as a individual and I really enjoy the time I spend with each and every one. I do "compartmentalize" my job, from my everyday life, but because I love my job, it translates into a better everyday life for me.  

I think you have to separate those courtesans that love their work and do it by choice, as those that are trapped, either by money or drugs, and feel they can not quit.  I have met those ladies and I feel for them.

LG, could you discuss the concept of "compartmentalizing" further?  As a hobbiest, I recently had an experience that lingered with me far longer than others. It really took me by surprise and I actually thought of that term - compartmentalizing - because it seems I automatically was able to do that in the year I've been hobbying - except this once.  And despite all logic, and thinking I've got to be able to compartmentalize that experience, I couldn't.  Passage of time was the only thing that helped.  So when you say that ability is "a conscious decision taken by higher order brain functions", I don't understand why in this one case it just didn't work for me. As I was going through this I recognized that here I was after one particular experience having so much difficulty compartmentalizing, I give so much credit to providers for having a higher level of that ability in their encounters.

Question for Julie - Do you plan to retire after a given time, and do you have an idea of what you will do next?  For example, are you studying to qualify for a new career, would you go back to elder care, start a new business?  And how do you handle "bad days" and people you don't click with -- it's more intimate than most caregiving/ medical situations, no?

There are great differences between the way men and women perceive "attraction." To a man, the concept of going to bed with someone physically unattractive may be very difficult; to a woman, looks may mean very little in the larger scope of things.

The providers that sunray1 has met may not have enjoyed parts [or all] of their work, but for every provider who has difficulty with her choices, there is one who loves what she does for a variety of reasons [see provider post below.]

In some ways, assessing the potential "damage" providing has done to women would be like conducting post-mortem examinations. And, since very few women are willing to come forward with their past, once their providing days are over, it's hard to make blanket statements either way. In my experience, the providers I have met have been very successful and enjoyed their work. When they no longer did so, they made arrangements to stop..and did. Were they damaged individuals? No more than civilian women who also were unmarried, wondering what to do with their lives, and second-guessing what was going to be around the corner.
As to having sex with people to whom they were not attracted to..it was seen as part of the job, and not the worst aspect of providing. Again, these women were highly sexual, enjoyed being the center of attention, and enjoyed the power that came with the repeated confirmation of their seductive capabilities. This was more important to them than if the client looked like Brad Pitt or screwed like Rocco Siffredi.

As to "compartmentalizing," I believe the process is the same cerebrally for both hobbyists and providers, but the reasons for compartmentalizing may be different. A hobbyist doesn't have to create a separate identity in order to enjoy himself in bed with a provider - although I'm sure there are those men who invent a name and a story to go with it, in order to remain as anonymous as possible to the provider. Then agan, with a provider who screens her clients, this may be an impossibility. The hobbyist's biggest dilemma may be to avoid emotional entanglement, particularly if the provider made him feel liked, loved, and appreciated.

A provider, however, usually has a fake name, a phantasy identity and reveals very little of her non-provider life to clients. Hence, her experiences as a provider become relegated to a "secret" part of her existence, or, if not secret, a part of her life to which few, if any people, have access. She has to shift her identities, quite rapidly sometimes, and she has few people with whom she can share her daily work concerns. In addition, the feelings she experiences while having sex with various men become either rationalized, intellectualized or suppressed. In order to avoid "taking in" too many feelings, she may "split off" herself, by creating another persona - almost like dissociative identity disorder, but on a conscious level. This is a psychological defense mechanism, and it allows the provider to carry on her job without becoming too affected. It would be something akin to a person working in a morgue, or perhaps a heterosexual male gynecologist. Personal feelings are not allowed to enter the work situation, because it would get very complicated and impede the individual from carrying out a professional function.

On the other hand, I do believe that when providers and hobbyists alike enjoy encounters of extreme and unusual pleasure, the experience stays with them. Sometimes, as posts on this board have indicated, this leads to a deepened relationship beyond the commercial aspect of the encounter. In a few instances, the participants have even married one another! But in general, providers look upon their job as...a job. And with all jobs, some individuals love what they do more than others.

Surely not a complete picture, but..
the Love Goddess

LG, et al:  You have almost convinced me that providing is a job like any other, with good days and bad days, good clients and bad, and that many providers love going to work every day.  I accept that, and yet this has some unique aspects that go very deep in human nature, women's and men's.
Thanks for allthe insights.

Question for juliemyers posted by sunray1 (also above)

Re:it is impossible
Posted by sunray1  , 10/7/2006 6:37:00 PM  

Question for Julie - Do you plan to retire after a given time, and do you have an idea of what you will do next?  For example, are you studying to qualify for a new career, would you go back to elder care, start a new business?  And how do you handle "bad days" and people you don't click with -- it's more intimate than most caregiving/ medical situations, no?  

Re:Question for juliemyers posted by sunray1 (also above)

I plan to retire when I feel I am no longer desirable. I do not plan on going into another career, as I have had plenty of low paying ones to this point.  I don't think you realize how intimate a relationship is when you have to walk your charge to the toilet, remove clothing, wipe, redress, etc. and this on a daily basis for years. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the people I cared for, and that was the problem.  I would become very attached to my charges and their passing was devastating to me.  It is as emotional as losing a parent.  Having a intimate affair with a gentleman, even repeated affairs, does not come close to this intimacy.

Bad days, well I am fairly new to this ... 10 months or so and I have been very fortunate that I really have had no really bad experiences. I don't do drugs or drink and so I go into every situation with a clear head. I try to make sure that I do not get myself into situations that put me into danger. As far as clicking, if a gentleman is clean and respectful, I have no problem clicking. It is all about providing a service, and I must say that I really enjoy what I do, and plan on doing it for several years.

This is a wonderful threat, and I'm very grateful for sunray and LG for all the good info here.

I've long been very interested in how providers decide to enter the profession - what thoughts and emotions go into it, and how they handle it.

I agree with LG that this is probably not a product of 'training' but a self-conscious decision (repeated with each client).

There's a story here in Boston that confirms this, at least to me.  A absolutely top-rated provider here (all 8's and 9's on performance, with more 9's than 8's) confided to me that her husband left her (before she entered the profession) because he was seeing another woman.  She had been working long hours to advance her career, and felt she had indeed not given him enough sexual attention!

So here is a woman who (a) decided *not* to have sex very often, and then (b) decided to have sex often, professionally...and who now does so extraordinarily well!

Now, (c) she's moving to another city, in connection with her other career.  There, she will not be a provider. But she'll come back to Boston briefly about once a month, to practice her TER profession here (but not there).

If that doesn't exhibit LG's thesis that sex arieses from conscious control, I don't know what else could.

To be clear about what I am, and am not, saying: I do *not* mean that biologically-inherited instincts and preferences don't play a big role.  In fact, they do.  But those instincts are still subject to conscious control.

An evolutionary biologist would argue that women have inherited two competing evolutionary strategies for survival:  

(1) The "slut" strategy.  Have sex with a lot of men, and a lot of men with then take care of you.

(2) The "wife" strategy.  Stick with one man, and he'll then stay around to help you raise your children (difficult for a woman to do alone).

But women can *decide* which set of instincts they want to follow, and can switch from one to another strategy, when they wish to.

Both promiscuity and sexual fidelity have instinctual roots, in my opinion.  Women (and men) always have choices.

I hope this makes sense.  I don't mean to sound dogmatic.  These are just some analyses I've developed, which I've found helpful.  Hope some others may find them so, too.  And would love to hear from women and men who disagree with me.

I agree with BG that this is a fascinating thread. I have enjoyed reading everyone's contribution and it has challenged some of my ideas, thank you!  I agree a women (or man) has the capacity to change at will their sexual attitudes/norms/behaviors.  But constructing a framework in which to view their world in a holistic and healthy way is not so easy.  Personally I do not believe compartmentalizing is a healthy thing. It can create cognitive dissonance which then may lead to a myriad of problems at a deeper level. I am striving to connect all the dots of my life in an open, healthy and positive way. When it comes to our sexuality this is a great challenge but I hold out hope, attainable.

Re:Question for juliemyers posted by sunray1 (also above)

Thanks to Greg and julie for fresh insights.  Don't mean to pry, Julie, but you make no mention of using your income to qualify for a better paying less emotionally draining career than eldercare, or perhaps having a permanent relationship/marriage with the "right" man, if such a person exists.  Are those not on your radar screen, or have your insights into male behavior convinced you that a permanent relaltionship is not workable, for either men or women?

Greg,
I don't want to disagree with you but would put it into the more primitive context of early homo sapiens (and his female counterpart gyna s.) if not homo erectus.
Therefore I postulate that homo e. and gyna e. had inherited from their simian ancestors (great apes) the notion "sex is fun". Since a pregnant gyna made a lousy hunter - or evader of sabertooth tigers or tyrannosauruses (shouldn't that be tyrannosauri in correct latin?) - she latched on to homo who would trade a nice chunk of meat for sex. And, more than likely, she traded for the biggest chunk since (instinct!) chances of her survival and of the species were better with a proficient hunter. Berry gathering she could do herself, but who wants a totally vegetarian diet? Besides, protection from the elements came from the ski of those animals that homo killed, not some plant leaves. Better hunter kills bigger animals with thicker fur, warmer wintercoat. It also looked better than the stuff Susie in the next cave had to wear!!
Thusly, I'd say that nothing fundamentally changed, we only got more complicated trappings. And sex is still fun, especially for those that are good at it which, by definition, must include hobbyists (there is the h of homo) and providers (couldn't come up with a suitable word starting with g for gyna).

Nina,
Am I reading right that you postulate being a seductress (supposing this is THE key attribute for a long-term successful provider) is a female trait with which some are abundantly endowed  and know (or learn) how to use it? And, once learned, it cannot be unlearned, just suppressed as needed?

I have to demur on the notion that nothing has fundamentally changed, although the basics are still happily in place.  For one thing, since the 1970s and the sexual revolution, and women's advances towards equality, women are much more skilled, much more open about what they expect as well as offer, and much less inclined to hide their sexual natures, if that is the way they are inclined.  So we now have the "erotically gifted" and "princesses of the bedroom arts" proud and pleased with what they do, with a chorus of hobbyists applauding.  And why not?  It's a couple of steps towards ending the hypocrisy that always surrounds sex.  Now, we have the great skill levels we note on TER, plus the warmth, understanding, and fun that many providers also seem to have.  The combination is devastating, and I doubt if courtesans in any age up to the present could have matched it.  I started this because I was curious if there were any downsides for the providers, and most of those who responded gave a level-headed and happy "no," but I know there is stress in any demanding profession, just like happy baseball stars who keep saying, "I can't believe they pay me to play this game!"  They hit home runs but they also worry about the fickle fans, injury, decline of skills, and other endemic problems.

This pedantic therapist wishes to point out that Shlain and his theories aside, the Linnean (scientific) classification, Homo sapiens (literally wise/thinking man,) takes its root from the Latin word for (hu)man, homo, whereas the root Gyne is from the ancient Greek word for woman. Shlain should have concocted his home-grown Linnean classification using the Latin word for woman, viz Femina sapiens.

Then again, Leonard Shlain is a laparoscopic surgeon by trade, and probably got bored to tears during his med-Latin classes as a young adult...as opposed to us dreamy-eyed girls in high school who burned for Catullus et al...

Keep 'em comin', 2ski469 ,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 10/10/2006 11:58:58 PM

Thanks, LG for the correction on linguistics - I just happen to like the gyna label better, considering...
May I also humbly mention that I love the title of your post, the judiciously cunning use of lingua being a pleasant experience (if done properly).

BTW: There was (maybe still is) a Femina brand of chocolate bonbons made in Switzerland by the F.L. Cailler company (part of Nestle) that women used to rave over giving some credence to the old saw that "candy is dandy..." I didn't like it much myself, too sweet.

I have to admit being spoiled by the gentlemen I have met, at this time, I can not see another job I would want.  I have learned a lot about a man's sex drive, I had no idea just how strong a man's sex drive is.  Funny thing is as I get more sex, I find myself wanting it more!  So, it all seems to work out really well for right now!

Wouldn't it be more correct to use something like Gyna and Andro Sapiens since to refer to males as Homosapiens and women Gynasapiens, carries the odd implication that men are human and women are something else...perhaps equal but still something else?!?
*insert smartassed smirk here*

You are right.
And women are something else - otherwise why would men be interested in them. *smartassedly smirking back*
Besides, who needs a qualifier ("perhaps") to the equality? The more enlightened men - a small percentage of the total population - have realized that women wield great power in controlling the supply of sex. But then, WT, you might simply be too modest to go down this road *questioning smirk*

Well then, Ms WebTerrorist,

While we're at it, shouldn't we change the terminology utilizing the words 'homosexual' and 'lesbian'?

After all, 'homosexual' implies homo [man, human] sexual, whereas lesbian just means someone who is from the island of Lesbos. This doesn't give credit to females having sex with other females at all!

Changing Linnean designations after they've been used for 300 years or so might be difficult.
By the way, in some languages, "man" IS female. Yes. It's true. In Swedish, the word for "man" [as in human species] is "människa." The gender for that is "she." Isn't that neat?! In Sweden, the default setting for man is really female!

Those egalitarian Scandinavians...
the Love Goddess

Latin: sinistra vs. dexter for left/right.  Of course modern language took these roots to give us sinister and dexterous

French:  gauche vs. droite for left/right.  This resulted in gauche (the word is so literal why mess with it in translation) and adroit.

This particular 13%er has struggled with such discrimination all my life
Now the fact that I'm also a redhead is a whole other story...

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa for the tangent...

But did you grow up the proverbial outcast nerd, too?  

I pretty much found my way during the hippy days.
But this particular left-handed, red head was also cursed with very curly hair.  God how I wanted to have long hair around my shoulders or to be able to wear a pony tail.  And I tried with disastrous results.  Eventually a hot hair dresser convinced me to accept mother nature and I caved and went for the Afro look.

I soon had the biggest, roundest Afro in town.  Black dudes were envious.  The problem was that I was very slim and I'm tall.  I very much resembled a Tootsie Roll Pop.  Thank God for the promiscuity that ruled the land because I honestly have no idea how I ever managed to get laid.

The good news is that pictures of my youth serve to crack up my kids to this day. They are grown up and married now but they cannot believe how freaky good ole dad was... and they give thanks each day that they are not red heads.  LOL

I was the definition of geek in my teens: showered about once a week, Buddy Holly glasses, dress shirt never buttoned right.  My pasttimes were sci-fi/fantasy and AD&D.  Girls in my high school barely acknowledged my existence.  Hell, guys barely even acknowledged my existence.  The only people who ever had anything to do with me were from other schools, and they were very few and far between.

As time went on and I "matured," about the only friendships I found with women was as an ear to bend, a shoulder to cry on, a few extra bucks.  Anything more was just a fantasy for me.  And the couple of women who wanted more out of me in my 44 years, omg, how did they get out of their straight-jackets?  (lol)

I still haven't found my way.  I don't expect that I ever will.  But I do intend to enjoy the scenery all along the way!

-- Modified on 10/13/2006 11:47:12 PM

I have to agree here. I have always known that my favorite thing to do was to make people happy, but I couldn't figure out what job would make good use of that. I used to work a horrid job in customer service for a communications company; that wasn't the right job.
Nothing is worse than being berated on every call, at least 100 calls a day, eight hours a day, five days a week, and chained to a desk at that, when all I want to do is try and help, though many times I couldn't because of "company policy."
I LOVE being a provider. Nothing is more satisfying to me than seeing that smile on someone's face when they have just had a great time, or even better watching them drift off to sleep, happy and content, as I walk out the door. I don't necessarily feel like I have to compartmentalize anything. I do this because I enjoy it- if anything, it enhances my sexuality because it gives me a great amount of confidence and also a better understanding of men in general. It may help that I do not have to hide anything from my SO, and not everyone is so lucky.
On the issue of being with men that are not so physically attractive- there is always something to like. It may not be their looks; it may their voice, their touch, their tongue, their technique, their mind....there is always something.