but I'll share my experience.

Part of my answer deals with what you mean by love. If you're thinking about the typical attachment and possessive type of love, then you're probably going to be terribly disappointed. If you're able to deal with all the boundaries and compartmentalization, then a very rewarding and unique relationship may be possible.

I've managed to establish such a relationship with a provider. As far as I'm concerned, I'm as 'in love' as I've been in any other relationship but I've learned to accept the relationship for what it is and treasure it. So has she. That has taken a great deal of self-examination on my part to try to discover what I want out of the relationship as well as what I'm able to give. It's truly been one of the more rewarding experiences of my adult life and I'm a much better person for this experience.

Be aware that it's VERY easy to mistake the initial rush of dopamine/endorphins/oxytocin for 'love' (actually, I don't know if there's really any difference, but the rush fades after a while). Wait a few months before declaring your undying adoration, but at some point it'll probably be very worthwhile to discuss what you're feeling with the lady. Hopefully, you'll be able to do that without a freakout occurring.

Good luck!

Dear ImNLoveWithAProvider,

As "wormwood" so astutely points out, there have been many threads regarding this issue on this very board. In fact, I jokingly say that "it must be that time of the month," or, "I've fallen in love with a provider and I can't get up" week.

We've had posters who stated that they "love" so-and-so; that they would gladly marry so-and-so if they could; that it's possible to truly "love" many more women than just your wife or s.o. [viz. "bostongreg," our board's most vociferous advocate for polyamory]; that love knows no boundaries of jealousy or competition [viz. "mrfisher" whose undying attachment for a particular provider has caused him to adopt her "last name" as his moniker]; and, the list goes on.  

My answer is - IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE "LOVE." In one of our many threads and sub-threads on the topic, I came forward with the definition of the meaning "true friend." To me, this meant undying loyalty, being able to call said person at 3am when in a crisis, etc. etc. To other posters, this interpretation proved much too strict and many came forth with their own definitions which in many respects made total sense - to them.

So from that perspective, maybe you are capable of "loving" a provider, in your way, despite the "compartmentalization and limited nature of the relationship." As to needing my services if you have such feelings? Only if said feelings cause you distress, discomfort and you wish to be rid of them.

Is it foolish or misplaced? This is for you to find out, my friend. I have never been one who trumpets modesty in declaring one's amorous feelings. Why not trying to verbalize them and gauge your response? Heck, you're a grown man. You can do it. Tell her you "love" her and see what happens. Only then will you know the answer to your last question.

The rest, I leave up to the boys in our band. Why, "wormwood" is getting to be a pro at this!!!

Hit it, boys,
the Love Goddess

What we've both accepted is that the situations in each of our lives necessitate certain boundaries to our relationship. In my case, I'm very happily married and wish to remain so. T'wouldn't be gentlemanly to chat about her situation. Both of us would like to spend more time with one another but we do talk frequently and, in my case, I've found that the opportunity to get to know her more intimately in intellectual and emotional/spiritual terms makes the time we do get to spend together much sweeter. That's what I meant by being disappointed if you're thinking in terms of possessive love with the accompanying attachment. Of course, your situaton may be far different from mine and that aspect of 'love' may work out for you but, judging by the folks here, it rarely does.

IMHO, the key to enjoying being 'in love' with a provider is to learn to enjoy what you have and not try to make the relationship something it's not. That'll happen in its own time if it happens at all.

Hmmmmm. Maybe I should charge $300 per hour, eh? LOL

In this case, the answer is yes.

What it means is to care for the person and respect them based on knowledge of their and your sitution.

The best way to be loving to a provider is to treat them well and create a spot in your heart for them.  Applying this in practice involves reading the various threads on these boards and determinining what it means to do the right thing by them.

If the question is more along the lines of: "Can I have some kind of an SO relationship with a provider?"  the answer is "perhaps".

Obviously it depends on all the varibles of both your positions.  I wouldn't try it if you're married and have kids and a ton of responsibilities; you're begging for a train wreck.  Nevertheless, it can be done.  Bev Fisher and I have been hot and heavy for almost two years now. It works because we work at it.

It is well worth it, but it isn't just something that "happens".

I like your phrase very much, Mr. Fisher.

I guess any 'polyamorist' like me would.
First I'd heard of that term, LG - thanks for telling me what I am!  

If I don't feel I can develop some warm and friendly feelings for a provider, I lose interest in seeing her.  'Conquests' don't interest me, at my age.  Relationships do.

BTW: I googled 'polyamory' and have just discovered, there's a Polyamorist Political Action Committee.  But I don't totally agree with its agenda.  I think it's good for there to be a primary relationship (call it 'marriage') which may, over time, decrease or lose its sexual content. In such situations, supplementing it with informal polyamory seems, to me, sensible.  But formalizing it with legal multiple marriages - I'm not sure I'm in favor of that - would have to think that one over.  In any event,  multiple marriages at one time is obviously an academic issue in this country. Can you imagine what would happen to Mitt Romney if he endorsed his grandparents' views on that subject today?

-- Modified on 6/9/2007 7:30:43 PM

for that is up to her.  Also, it is impossible to say exactly how it will manifest itself, if she does.

But should she do so, I bet it will be a nice surprise; and aren't surprises one of the nicest things about life?

my ex accused me of being a polyamorist.

My thoughts are tending to make me ask the question:

Whither marriage?

I too am "in love" with a provider.  We call it good friends.  At first we would say "I care for you."  We now say "i love you."  And it is natural.

I asked her if she was upset that we can not take our relationship farther, and she said no.  She is happy the way it is.

I agree with the others.  I need a meaningful relationship emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically.  To not have that is a waste of time.

I admit I used to get jealous and such, but over time I learned to enjoy my time with my "friend."  Now I am just happy to be with her when we are together.

Beyond that, a full blown relationship -- not in my case -- but as stated before within boundaries, a loving relationship with a provider is not only possible, but great.

I have been with my provider for 8 months now, and going strong.  I have no intention to leave her, and every once in a while, it is good to have a little "chat" to make sure we are both on the same page.

MrFisher, my view:

Women are evolutionary driven to do two things I(sometimes conflicting):

1.  Find a stable partner who will help them through the very demanding and difficult job of raising a baby until its able to follow along more independently, say till age four.

2.  Find the best genes, for the other half of her baby's.  Those from a strong, well-built, intelligent man have the best survival value.

1 & 2 may not necessarily come from the same person. The best genes may be from a handsome stranger, only briefly around.

Men have parallel interests.  They need to see their baby survive, too.  But they also need to spread their genes widely, to have the most survive.

So, a man and woman will cooperate to raise a baby for a few years.  (The man can never be completely sure it's his - but that's the way the game works).  

But both partners will be continually on the lookout for a better genetic partner, or another one.

This pattern didn't evolve because it's right or wrong.  It arose because of Darwinian survival rules. People who follow these precepts have more babies survive.  At this point in time, we don't know how genes operate to produce these instincts.  But Darwin didn't know anything at all about genetics (Mendel's work was unknown) - yet he finally sensed that he couldn't explain every aspect of his theory. So he finally published it.

Evolutionary psychology, which assumes such instincts, can't yet explain every genetic connection.  But that doesn't mean it's not right.

So: I think men and women will always have instincts to stay together - thus marriage.

But both men and women will always have instincts to screw around, too - thus Peyton Place (written 50 years ago) and TER.

So - *both* marriage and polyamory should stay around, for a long, long time.  
.

that in evolved societies, new members of that society are created in a gene matching labortory where they spend the first 18 years of their life being programmed and conditioned with all the knowledge and training they'll need to step out and become productive and successful members of society one day.

One can always hope.  

if all of us who use an alias to post here - rather than our handle - talking about having amorous feelings towards their providers - are possibly talking about the same one!  LOL.......I wouldn't be surprised.

I'll add to the discussion...I've got the same thing going on.  It's definitely not easy.  I think we're both bumping up to the "L" word but instead using more diminutive forms.  But we'll probably "get there".

As for me, I'm going thru all the symptoms...infatuation, difficulty in sleeping, difficulty in concentrating.  I'm hoping I'll get tolerance at some point.

So, if you like a bumpy road, this is the one to be on!

Salud!

I became star-struck after hobbying less than 6 months.  If there was anybody who was ill-prepared for this, it had to be me.

I'd be willing to bet my situation is far more complicated than anybody else's here.  Add that to not really having a wide range of provider experiences and you've got one tripped out stalag.

Yes...infatuation, difficulty in sleeping, difficulty in concentrating, loss of weight....I'd say I've been bitten rather squarely!!

At least right now I'm kinda laughing about it!