Sounds like the opening for a joke... but it isn't.  

 
My newest SB, a Philippina/Latina spinner, with perfect D's on a tiny 5'1", 103 lb frame is sweet, inquisitive, appreciative, affordable, and says she loves fucking. She has no "no-fly" zones, follows directions, and is generally submissive.  But if she's not performing some specific activity I asked for, she's a starfish.  If I didn't see her eat and drink, I might think I got a "Real Doll" sex toy, rather than a 24-year old aspiring singer.  

 
Now before you go too fast with the jokes (yes, I'm thinking of them as well), I have gleaned a few details about her life that probably have an impact on her "in-bed" behavior.  She was abused by a close family member when she was a child. And the rest of her family knows about it and is actively covering it up and telling her to deny it ever happened.  The abuser has never been reported to LE, and she has never had any counselling. She still has to deal with him as he remains an active part of the "family."  

 
So it's a pretty easy to speculate that her abuse has "trained" her to 'just take it' and not complain. And that may explain why she's a minimal participant in bed.  

 
So here's my dilemma and why I will end the arrangement. I think I am contributing to her pain. As a Sugar Daddy, who she increasingly sees as a better "Parent" then her real parents, she's getting emotional support, encouragement, and guidance from me that she never received (and still isn't receiving) from home.  I think I may be actually increasing the harm by mixing a sexual component into her need to have a loving support base. I don't want to reinforce the concept that every relationship she has with people she trusts requires her to be used for sex.  Now that (I think) I understand more about her "hidden pain" and how much it's affecting her adult life and future potential, I just won't be that guy who takes advantage of her vulnerability.  It's one thing to be a "Daddy" with a 20-ish hottie that gets off on sex with older guys who help her with bills.  It's another to be a jerk who perpetuates the idea that she doesn't deserve love unless she accepts abuse from those she trusts.  

 
So I'm going to end the Daddy part - no more sex and no more allowance. But I will offer to continue to be her friend and offer advice, emotional support, and a "safe space" to talk.   Not sure if she will want that, or how much more drama I may be signing up for... but I have to at least give her the chance to grow into a better space and sense of self-worth.  

 
Anyone else here dealing with this?  

 
Life is (mostly) good

 
The Cat

I hear you. When I was in Japan 9 out of 10 were starfish (we called them maguro) even though there was no admitted abuse history. In their case duty taught them to lay back "and take it". It was a cultural thing.  Also kissing was a turn off for most.  I had a lot more fun with the non-Japanese Asian girls there

While a submissive hottie is a ton of fun, I need them to be an active participant. I want to see and feel emotions . If the young lady is too submissive, or doesn’t express some passion and emotions, I’d get bored fast and feel like I’m taking advantage of her. Thats definitely not my style. There are way too many hotties that are sexy participants bcd, to hold onto a starfish.

Passives are perfect for BDSM submissives. If you have lemons make lemonade.

It's difficult to be in any kind of relationship with someone who has suffered any type of abuse whatsoever, and it's especially difficult when it's childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a supposedly trusted relative.

Back in the 90's, I knew a woman in a civvie situation who told me her childhood had been stolen from her due to sexual abuse at a young age, that she had never had a chance to be a little girl, so she recreated it in her 30's. During the day at her job, she was a complete professional, acted and dressed the part appropriately for her age and station in life. At home, however, when it came to men and relationships, she was completely different. She had adorned her bedroom in a child's motif and stocked it with childish items, including coloring books, crayons, a mountain of stuffed animals, dolls, a doll house, a tea party set on a tiny table with two chairs, a toy box full of children's toys (no adult toys, no sex toys). When she adopted this persona in the evenings and on weekends, she dressed like a little girl, acted like a little girl, and even altered her voice to sound like a little girl. This was more than role-play for her, she seemingly reverted to the little girl she had been before the abuse, or the little girl she would have been without the abuse.

IT FREAKED THE HELL OUT OF ME, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
 
At first, I found it both unbelievable and weird, I was not interested at all, but then she dropped the true bombshell on me. She expected me to interact with her as if I was a little boy of the same age, and all we would do together is what little kids do: play with toys. She assured me that there would be no sex, no nudity, no kissing, no intimacy, no kinkiness, nothing that adults do. She was just an innocent little girl, and I'd have to go along with it.

I got the heck out of there and never called her again. I wanted no parts of anything that even looked like playing kiddies. Since then, if any red flags come up warning me of an abusive past, I bail out quickly. I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, I don't know how to do or say the right things that help a woman in those situations.

-- Modified on 6/24/2021 9:28:04 PM

Way too many women in our society report having suffered some sexual abuse.  I've enciuntered quite a few in my sugar career so far. Some are actively working on healing themselves from that trauma. They want to reclaim their sexuality and take back what the trauma stole from them. In that spirit, being their sugar daddy seems like a worthy thing to be for them.  But if I feel like I'm actually perpetuating their abuse I am absolutely out of there.

Sometimes it's not so easy to make that call.  I had one younger SB in 2019 who seemed to enjoy sex and was also happy to talk about her past. But she totally refused any oral activities since that triggered her memories of abuse.  I was ok with that, in that situation, since I knew she was working on herself and seemed aware of what worked for her and what didn't plus she was getting professional counseling.  We had a good arrangement for about 6 months.

I always hope that many years from now when a SB looks back on this part of her life and the role I played in it, she'll think, she was fortunate to meet such a nice man who treated her kindly and with respect.

Typically such arrangements become quite boring after a month or so...think you've answered your question.

On the other hand, I sort of expect them to resent me in later years where they absolve themselves of all fault and believe that I took advantage of them.  Chicks are narcissistic.