I have been "hobbying" for several years.  Like most I am married and just have had a much higher sexual energy than my wife and I like the variety.

Recently my wife has been becoming more sexual and not only increasing her frequency of wanting sex, but also the variety...making me very happy.

I was thinking of trying to quit completely, though part of me still loves the variety and I just plain love sex.  I would LOVE to think that this was a phase, and I could "grow" out of it, and return to a more monogamous relationship with my wife.  In your experience, are most guys lifetimers or can you get out of the addiction?  Any pointers?

. . . I would quit when I find an SO.

I once was married. I started hobbying when I was separated. I would rather have a "sexual" SO than hobby; my standard has become pretty high. . . so I might not find an SO at all and stuck in hobbying.

A very wise person once told me:

Hobbying is like a drug addiction, and TER is the crack pipe!

Hobby on Garth!

If you are using this as a substitue for real intimacy, then its a fools game. However, if you are satisfied with life on your own and this is a way to gets your needs met....just enjoy hobbying for what it is.  You might want to consider what it would take to drop those standards.

Hi there adambede,

Well, IMHO, the only way you'll know if it's a hobby or an addiction FOR YOU, is to quit...and then assess your feelings.

As to most guys being "lifetimers," we have to separate using paid sex as an outlet for sexual expression when there is no other non-paid relationship available - or the non-paid one isn't working too well - as opposed to guys truly piddling away all their earnings and getting into very risky behavior, all for sex. Now that's a true sexual addiction. What I mean with this, is that a man can hobby on and off during his lifetime, but it's not a central focus of his life. Someone could be married to a nice but not very sexual person, have a super sex drive and need to express said drive very frequently. In that case, hobbying provides a convenient outlet. But is a person with a prominent sex drive a sex addict?

I've seen sex addicts in my practice, and they don't really seem that highly sexed per se. No, it's all the stuff SURROUNDING THE EXPERIENCE that gets them going..all the calling around, the netsurfing for hours, the triggers like being bored, lonely, angry, the nervousness around being caught, etc. It's a whole production and the production goes on every night...or day, if they're really troubled. A highly sexed guy can be married to a fine, upstanding woman who just doesn't care much for sex, and so he goes to see girls to honor some of that excess testosterone. But he's usually not making a big production of it. It's quick, friendly and then out the door...and back to normal life. Paradoxically, sex doesn't occupy a big part of such a man's life, because it's mainly about the release, and not about "a lifestyle."

As an aside, I think the complex subject of addiction has been hyped in the press, then trivialized, then entered the general consciousness as a form of paranoia. No one wants to be "addicted," and the "lure" is always around the corner. We [and yes, therapists are also guilty, thank you] tend to medicalize everything possible. We also know that addicts in general have disturbed dopamine pathways, and so we create medicines to help with that issue. But as it stands now, a lot of people call themselves "addicts" quite needlessly. Which is sad for the true addicts, since it trivializes their problems and makes a diagnosis more difficult, since a lot of times we depend on self-reports for just that.

So, in conclusion - try it - and see if you like it. Your wife may keep surprising you over and over again!

the Love Goddess

The previous thread's poster's problems began when his wife lost interest in sex; yours are caused by your wife's interest in it.

I think every person's experience is unique, so all I can do is tell you that in my case, I decided to give up a marriage of 20 years with two teenage kids in order to continue to hobby.  I tried to quit and that lasted about three months.

It just wasn't the fact that sex with my wife was no longer interesting (to say nothing of not available).

I truly loved the women I had met, and could not bring myself to live without them.  I keep very long term relationships and I value them to this day.

I am also extremely happy about how things worked out and despite losing more money than I cared to, would never go back to what is was.

For one thing I met a SO (She is an escort, so she understands me.) and the last year of my life has been heavenly.

I intend to pursue this lifestyle to the end of my time, even if the time I spend with women is just holding hands some day.

I thought for years that I too, would outgrow this hobby, but I am certain now that it is just a part of who I am, and in that, I don't think I am alone.

I that be addiction, then pass the hookah.

The "lifestyle" vs. the "release" hobbyist.  I thought that was really interesting how it was the parallel activities and not the act per se that was really addicting for them.  Makes a lot of sense, now that I think about it.  It doesn't sound fun, exactly.  All are sex addicts unhappy and feel out of control about this aspect of their lives, the way a drug addict might feel?  Is there treatment for sex addiction--does it work?

Yes, my dear Duchess_4_u,

Addiction, as research increasingly points to, is a problem with dopamine pathways. It doesn't seem to matter much whether it's gambling away the family farm, or screwing yourself through Dodge. The highs and the lows, the extremes and the withdrawals are remarkably similar. Most sex addicts are unhappy when they experience withdrawals from the activity...as are addicts of all kinds, whether it's drugs, alcohol, food or gambling, to mention a few.

You can apply the 12-step paradigm to addictions in general [or rational recovery, if you want to exclude the religious aspect of the process]. But yes, an addict is biologically "ill." And when an addict hits bottom, whatever/wherever that may be, that's when the realization of going downhill fast usually clicks in, and s/he begins wanting to change the behavior and the attendant feelings. If not, there's frequently death, severe illness, bankruptcy, or other kinds of disasters looming.

According to Mr Rob Weiss, guru of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Beverly Hills, behavior mod/medical treatment does work for all sorts of addiction. But it does take 100% willingness of the addict to quit the behavior, or else, the treatment doesn't work.

You've seen what they've done with sex offenders; some have been so incorrigible and the recidivism has been so great, that they opt for chemical castration. This means doses of the female hormone progesterone, which in essence renders the male person asexual - without desire or even physical ability to engage sexually. And even then, it's not helped. There are pedophiles out there who have undergone the treatment, and who are still plagued by ideas of engaging with children in sexual acts. Just goes to show that the brain is the strongest sexual organ we possess.

A difficult topic, to say the least,
the Love Goddess

Maybe our society has gone a bit too soft.
I do not want to advocate the use of an ax in the public square, although there might be a deterrent value in it. But in a clean surgical environment, suitably broadcast?

Dang it.  

eom

She just said you had a compulsion...

You know, Miss Goddess, I have been accused (ok accused is my word...they used "diagnosed") of a number of disorders...but "oppositional" was never one of them...cool a new disorder for my collection...I'm gonna get a personality disorder "Bingo" pretty soon...I just have to become anti-social (that pesky empathy was getting in my way anyhow), then I think I win a toaster.

Oh and just for you Miss Goddess...in case ya wondered... Avoidant, Borderline, and Obsessive Compulsive (but the odd OCD...Trichotillomania)...and now Oppositional.